So, I need help. I recently brought my brother from our country to help him because food over there is getting really hard to find. Keep in mind he was working, but that is not enough. My brother is hydrocephalic and the right side of his body is much weaker than the left but he still have mobility on the right side. I stoped seed my brother when he was 11 years old he is now 23. I would see him whenever I went back home to visit my family. Now that I have my brother with me, my husband that had never seen my brother in person (just to videocalls) is now telling me that my mother did wrong sending my brother here because I am just 27 and he is going to be a problem. I have no issues helping my brother. I work and he can work too, but even if he can’t work he can get help here and live like a normal person. My husband is telling me if my brother can’t work he wants a divorce because he will not help me with my brother. He is saying that if my brother can’t work he will make choose between my brother or him. Please advise, I am really worried and hurt because I tought that instead of being so radical and saying he will leave me, there would be 100 solutions he would help me find.
Your husband is being selfish and has forsaken his vows to you. I'd kick his butt right to the curb if he's that devoid of compassion and empathy. You are clearly trying to do everything right for your brother, while your husband is throwing in the towel at the first hint that he's not going to get his way. Let him. He's showing you exactly the kind of person he is. There is no hierarchy of "who comes first". Husband doesn't always come before sibling.
I do second the notion of reaching out to an immigration attorney, if your finances support it. Otherwise, you may have access to low-cost legal help through the county or state or even a local university.
Best of luck to you and your brother... I hope he finds his way forward.
It is also not the responsibility of the American or European (I don't know where you live) taxpayer to provide for the disabled relative you decided to bring over.
The American government was starting to crack down on people bringing relatives to the U.S. then heading straight to the welfare or Social Security office the second they put a foot on American soil. Those days are done in the United States and rightly so.
Your mother should not have put you in such a position by sending your brother for you to be responsible for. You're young and should be making your life with your husband. Not your brother.
It’s in your nature to give and help others. Your husband’s nature is only self interest. If it’s good him and his family, he’s ok with it, but if he has to help you and yours, he wants a divorce.
Answer these questions as honestly as you can. It may give you more clarity as to what you should do.
Are you willing to stop helping your brother to stay married? Yes/No?
If yes, how would you feel about yourself?
Will your husband divorce you if you can’t or won’t dump your brother? Yes/No?
If yes, how would you feel being divorced?
If no. it means your husband will stay married. Will he be happy in that marriage? Will you be happy?
When you reach the end of your life and you’re looking back, what would you rather have done?
I don't think it's fair to say the OP's husband only cares about his own interests.
Helping someone so they can help themselves is different than assuming responsibility for them.
The OP should have thought more about bringing her disabled brother to the U.S.
Did she consider if he'd be able to make a living for himself in the U.S.?
Did she discuss any kind of a timeline with her husband about how long the brother would be with them and how long they would be providing for him?
My guess is probably not. I can't blame her husband for giving her the ultimatum of either the brother goes or he does. I'd do the same thing. I did do the same thing.
My first husband's cousin fell on hard times and we agreed to let him stay with us for a couple of months so he could "get back on his feet". He wasn't spending his days looking for a job. No. He spent his days drinking, partying, and hanging out around town.
I told my husband he had a month to get him out or I was leaving. He got him out.
Your husband may have threatened divorce in the heat of the moment. The way I see it, he needs you in order to stay in the country, so he might not be so quick to get rid of you.
If I was you I'd admit to all my own mistakes in handling this and see if some solution can be worked out. However, if he's adamant, then you get to make some decisions.
You have two issues.
1. Whether to keep your husband and if you don’t
2. Whether you can keep his brother.
A wise woman said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time”. Maya Angelou
None of us are perfect and perhaps you can forgive your husband for taking this stance but be very aware you will always have to deal with this side of his personality and won’t know when it will show up next. He wasn’t lied to. He uses you to tend his family but isn’t willing to do the same for your family. Not the partner you deserve. He will always be a problem for you.
If you thought like your husband, you would send him back to his mother.
During these very hot summer months your brother should be able to find work. As you say, he comes legal and with skills. There are plenty of people who do not think very fast yet are good workers.
Thank you for your reply.
As an outsider, I think you love your brother a lot. You wanting to help him to have a better life is a noble and selfless thing. It does sound like your brother has marketable skills and training and can eventually be working and support himself. At 23, he is still young. given his mental health condition, he needs more time and support to achieve independence.
Your husband on the other hand doesn't want any part of this. He doesn't want to help your brother or you to help your brother. He only thinks of himself. His marriage to you means very little and it becomes disposable as soon as he feels he has to extend a helping hand. Is this an accurate description of his of character? If so, is this the type of person you want to be married to for the next 50 years or more? Can you count on him to stand by you to face the ups and downs that life will throw at you?
Thank you so much for all your help.
Sounds like your brother is awaiting a US work visa? Maybe consult with an immigration attorney to figure out the realistic timeline. He can be very delayed in getting a work visa. Then, if he isn't a citizen, is he ineligible for any social benefits/support? If he doesn't qualify for welfare or section 8 housing or food stamps or SSDI... this will become a financial problem. You say you will support him, but isn't your money also your husband's and visa versa? It is in my marriage, but I understand not everyone's is the same.
Your husband/marriage is priority over your brother. This doesn't mean you don't love your brother. Put yourself in your husband's shoes if the situation was reversed and he was spending time and resources on his sister then he became 100% financially responsible for her at the possible cost of your future? Life here in the US is getting very expensive, in every state. My son, who has a masonry business, can't get immigrant workers (who in the past have made up a large percentage of that worker base) because they are returning to their home countries due to the cost of living here.
Let us know if you've ever consulted with an immigration attorney so that we have more context for your situation and solutions you've explored.
Most immigrant families I know feel a huge obligation to sacrifice to bring their relatives to this county, i.e. living together in crowd quarters until the family can afford a house, then moving in all together until the next couple can afford a house
Most folks who have been here for more than one generation don't see supporting relatives as an obligation.
Your brother maybe able to receive Supplimental Security Income (SSI).
"Some noncitizens can get SSI for up to 7 years. If your SSI payments are limited to 7 years because of your particular noncitizen status, we'll send a letter to you telling you when your 7-year period ends. We'll send another letter explaining your rights to appeal before we stop your payments."
I would go to your County Social Services and see what type of help he can receive.
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