My mom made me POA several years back when she had the capacity to make decisions. It stated in order for me to take effect, two doctors had to deem her incapable. She has a diagnosis of dementia. She helped me pick an assisted living place, etc. She said she could no longer live alone and was now afraid. Now that she has been there four days, she is calling me stating she hates it and wants to come home. She says it is, “MY MONEY.” It does not make sense. Hates the same thing she hated about living alone. She won’t come out of her room, complaining constantly, won’t push the help button, and takes all meals in her room. I can no longer care for her as my autoimmune diseases have really roared their ugly head and my husband is chronically ill. Can she go home? Does she have the ability to override me?
Fellow caregivers, I'm tired. If you read all that, thank you. Just needed to vent.
Its going to be hard to reason with her. One of the first things that goes with Dementia. You do not have POA over Mom. She assigned you. Its a tool. It does not mean you at her beck and call. Means you take carevof her finances. You make sure her bills are paid. You make sure that she is safe and cared for and her basic needs are met. You are jow the adult and she is the child. She can no longer make informed decisions, so u do it for her. You are going to need to learn to let things roll off your back. Don't take things to heart.
Is she on meds for her agitation? If not, this is a discussion that needs to happen with her doctor. Dementia robs people of their ability to bring their own minds to a place of peace and acceptance, therefore meds are merciful.
If you've satisfied the criteria for activating your PoA authority, then you have nothing to worry about... unless she has a phone and calls up a taxi to leave, and has the money to pay them, and has an address to go to, her threats are empty. When you talk to her you tell her that she cannot leave until she can prove to her doctor that she can do all her ADLs, which are required to safely live outside the AL. Then you are not the bad guy... "My hands are tied! Let's go check out what they're serving for lunch..."
My own MIL when she was moved to AL eventually stopped getting out of bed. Now she's bedbound in LTC but now agrees to be taken to all the meals and events in her facility.
She is displaying the same behavior most do, they all hate it initially and want to go home.
Most also hate the food as well....forever, went through this with 2 LO's, still have a 3 rd one in AL and she loves it, made new friends, does activities and so much more.
I would stay away for at least 2 weeks so she can acclimate herself to her new home, back away for awhile, give it time.
Sorry about all that you are dealing with, take care of you.
Way too soon to be concerned about her settling in, it takes time.
You would not need your two letters, as stipulated by the document. The in-facility doctor will be willing to write one and see to referral for the second. You will tell the facility that mom's dementia precludes her leaving and being safe in her own care, and you cannot receive her to do inhome care due to your own illness.
You will then honestly tell Mom that you are sorry, but this is where she lives now.
It isn't a happy circumstance for her. Don't expect her to be happy. Don't consider yourself responsible to her unhappiness; you aren't.
I am so very sorry. The facility is used to seniors complaining about being there and asking to go home. It is more the norm than not. Speak to the administration, and I think you will feel relieved. Stick on the Forum here and you will see many similar stories. Best of luck.
It’s too soon for her to feel like it’s her home. Give her time.
Yes, this is unnerving, but it will pass. Have you considered asking her doctor for meds to calm her agitation?
Be at peace with your decision. Keep reminding yourself that this is the way it has to be and that it’s best for all of you.