My spouse is always wanting me to help him with something, his work, his school, getting things for him, etc. He diminishes what I do for others or the work I do around the house. My parents live with us and both are very sick. I have help seven days a week. If what I do for my parents interferes, or even if it doesn't, with what he wants me to do for him, he gets angry and says very hurtful things about them. Our relationship has never been great. I just don't like him saying things about them. He has no heart. He only thinks about what he wants. I really dont like doing most of the things he asks me to do because they take a lot of time and are usually annoying. For example, he has started an online course for an advanced degree program and can't figure things out so he enlists me to read the syllabus and figure out the assignments. In the meantime I have other pressing things to do, but he thinks those things are unimportant compared with his stuff. He is 70. If I could l would like to get a divorce but I have my sick parents to think about. Saying no to his requests always leads to arguments. What can I do?
Did you guys discuss the "what happens when dads bedridden? How do we deal with Alzheimer's?
My husband and I talked about the "just to much" issues before deciding and we both had deal breakers, mine is incontinence, I just can not deal, PERIOD. He can't deal with someone laying in bed hollering for others to do everything for him. Maybe some people find those petty, but we know are limits and instead of having a house of hell we really looked at and talked about what we could in all reality do.
Maybe your husband didn't think it would be forever, no matter what. You know the answer to that, please look at the hear and now of what their needs are, it could be time to place them and your not seeing that because you are burned out and just coping.
I pray you find a way to save your marriage and the best possible solution and care for your parents. (Sometimes, it's not us.)
This doesn’t have to happen with you and your husband providing he can agree to a schedule for your help and time together. Use the help you get to make the time for him, either several times a day or for a set block of time. I hope he will agree for your sake but I will say most of the time I didn’t even like my husband so the request for a divorce was actually a relief.
My FIL died at the June 28 and I told my hubby that I thought I could live with my sweet MIL, but we hadn’t discussed it with her. In two months, her health has taken a complete nose dive. Hospitalized twice for a total of 12 days, in rehab currently for therapy. Today, she sees a kidney specialist for a brand new problem. In that short of time, her health has become more than what I think I can reasonably handle. I can easily see how your parents health was a big knock in the face to your husband.
I do do not think anyone can be prepared for the changes created when someone else comes to live in a family home. It sounds like your husband was used to you having time to meet all his needs whether reasonable or not. Now he is faced with your time being limited and having a temper tantrum.
Only you know if you can continue to live with him and if your marriage is worth saving.
As far as his course work is concerned, take a look at the section on academic misconduct in the syllabus. Also the section on available help through the program. When he asks you to help with it, point out that information to him. I am taking university courses in my 50’s done online some in class and I know that any reputable university or professional course provider has lots of help available.
If he is feeling lonely or neglected, invite him to help you fold the laundry, make dinner, do the washing up together. Point out that he is more than welcome to participate in activities to help you out, which will free up time so the two of you could pop out for a cup of coffee, or go to a matinee while the care givers are looking after your folks.
If you feel your marriage is over, go talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are where you live. Be prepared for the changes that option entails. Could you ‘get’ the house and still live there with your parents, or would you have to look into assisted living or a nursing home for them? Would you have enough to live on? Can you afford to keep the full time in home caregivers? Keep in mind Medicaid rules and look back periods if you are in the US.
good luck.
Some people replying seem to miss the information that the marriage has not been happy for some time, and that the husband is trying to disrupt her time with her parents.
Probably he needs more help from the course providers - his wife, with limited knowledge, is not the ideal person!
Reading through all this, I also think that he may have undiagnosed problems.
PS I do not understand the 'advice' that one is supposed to completely switch allegiances on marriage! That is certainly not what I signed up for - my husband and I looked after my Mum for years before she died. And now he has dementia, and my daughters are very supportive.
Best wishes from the UK to all of you
Emmdee
Like the song says: ‘Before you roll those dice, Baby think twice.’ It almost certainly would be a good idea to look at other solutions besides your father’s death or divorcing your husband. An answering machine rather than responding immediately to 15 calls a day could be a good start.
you still have an obligation to your immediate family and must balance the two. Look to the Lord for guidance, yours is definitely not an enviable position to be in.🙏
We had a neighbor who used to be an accountant and every year took the H&R Block Course - but it was to keep up-to-date on doing taxes. Even that was silly because he no longer did people's taxes, but it kept him occupied.
I'm thinking that your DH might be starting "early onset" something - be it dementia or something else. I would mention his irrational behavior to his primary physician.
While 70 is no longer old - it is a time to start winding down from the working world for most people.
Instead of "saying no to his requests" - just start saying, "I don't understand it either, sorry I can't help you," and walk off to do your own thing.
When you say "our relationship has never been great." Now: is that really true, something you've felt for a long time; or is it more about how you feel at the moment, upset and hurt because of how torn you are between your husband and your elderly frail parents?
The second issue is that your husband’s unhappiness is working itself out in totally unreasonable ways. Has he tried and failed to talk the whole arrangement through again with you? Is he trying to make things worse to force you into thinking again? Or has he always been a pain in the neck, and retirement is just giving him more scope? Can you sit down with him and focus on your overall living arrangements, rather than on his unreasonable requests?
Perhaps thinking these things through can give you a start in a very difficult situation. Good luck!
The CNAs should be doing more.
Heres what my DH and I have worked out. I leave for Moms NH daily at 10 and return home about 2:30. On Sunday we look at our calendars for appointments during the week and decide if that schedule needs to changed or it’s ok. Then, more on a daily basis in the morning, he figures out if he needs help with some task...finances, just holding the ladder for tree trimming, dropping off at car repair, computer help, etc. We decide if I can do it that day, and figure out if it’s before I leave or when I get back. My point is he (usually) doesn’t jerk me around with constant requests/interruptions, and I get to have a pretty well planned day. He gets my help and I’m not annoyed about it. So maybe you could try a more “planned” approach. Just a thought.
Another thought, the other thing we do is I will actually offer to DO the thing for DH that he needs done, in exchange for him going to the NH for a little while that day. I get a little break from my routine and he gets his thing done. Maybe something like that would help.
They tend to him, manage his meds, cook his food, do laundry, keep the house clean, etc. My step sister who lives next door oversees them, take care of dad's finances and gets him to his doctor's appointments. She and her husband are free to do many things together and they are retired. I don't understand why the cnas for your parents can't cook, do laundry for them and manage their meds. That would leave you with only finances and doctor appointments to deal with.
To me, I would feel unhappy, if my spouse insisted on caring for 2 parents in the home who are very sick and have dementia, without me agreeing to it. That can be extremely stressful. So, I get why he would be unhappy with it. And why he might be verbal about it. At least he's letting you know his thoughts. Plus, you have need for your life too. Not just your parents and your husband. You may be so overextended that you are spread too thin.
It sounds like he needs you to help him with some things too. To me, the spouse is the first priority, after yourself. I might explore other options for the parents care, but, if you want to separate anyway, I'd probably consult with a marriage counselor first to sort through your feelings.
It can be extremely stressful and exhausting to care for two sick people who have dementia in the home. It's likely you are fatigued. At least try to get some RESPITE time, so, you can rest and think things through, so, you are sure of what you want, before making any permanent decisions.
Taking care of 2 sick parents is a phenomenal amount of work, even with help. And then to have to also deal with an immature and jealous husband and his nasty behavior is even worse. Even if you placed your parents in a facility, you’d still have to deal with and be subservient to this mean and unreasonable man. Who has to go; your parents, your husband or you? Something has to give. Maybe call or go see your local Area Agency on Aging to see if they can help you find someplace you could go with your parents. Or,do move them to a facility and then you, yourself find an apartment close-by them. The Agency can go over your options and help you find assistance.