I do a lot of things out of the goodness of my heart for my 82 year old father, like do all kinds of chores around his house and get take outs for him on a regular basis. These things are not a burden at all. But sometimes in my life I get a little discouraged and I say or do something (or not) and then my father picks up on this and ignores me as if saying "You need to work this out for yourself." I get no support from him at these tough times, nor do I want any but I don't want to be disrespected by him ignoring my pain. He should say something like "You sound kind of down. Why don't you come over and we can all your uncle and have some laughs'. Something like that, not silence.
I have said it before in this forum but I really feel like leaving and going to an environment that makes me feel good. A place of my choice. Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion but am I right in feeling this way?
The title of your post might better be "Daughter treated this way. Is it wrong?" And my answer would still be, "No, it's not wrong." It may certainly hurt your feelings not to have your moods and woes acknowledged, and to not have what you do openly appreciated. But you probably expect too much of your father. How do you know he picks up on when you are discouraged and therefore is ignoring you? Has he always been this way? Have you always felt this way? You need to seek emotional support from peers or a therapist and not continue to expect something from your father he may never have given you or does not seem to be able to give you now.
Even if there is no dementia or aging decline, a lot of men in that generation were not raised to be empathic, just aren't very good at direct emotional support, and might express their gratitude in other ways. I'm from that generation myself, as was my husband, so I'm well familiar with this. For your father, acknowledging all that someone does for him is also acknowledging that he himself can't do those things any more, which is painful. Or, as others have said, some aging folks just take for granted that their children or others will do things for them.
When you become a parent's caregiver, you need to be prepared to get no support from the parent. They are done with being supportive of others. They are in need of nurturing, coddling and caring. It's like expecting a 5 year old to be supportive of theitdepressed and needy parent.
You need to find outside sources of support if you are a caregiver.
Therapy is one place to get that support. Consider that.
Also, given that your dad seems to have lots of support from your brother, it seems like your efforts might be duplicative. Moving away might be your best course of action.
Some people indentify with the 'empath' label. I believe empathy is a spectrum - some certainly have more than others! Some folk have very soft centres that need a tough shell for everyday life. If this is you Lisat, what soothes you? Helps you to re-store & re-balance you?
I would look for those things.
Forget waiting for others to say the right thing (eg "He should say.."). Expectations that others know what you need & will give it it sort of sets you up to be disappointed a lot. I reckon pets & nature say the rights things more often!
I will keep my answer short and sweet as you don't ever really listen or do anything that any of us suggest anyway, but your last sentence you say that "Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion". You continue to blow EVERYTHING out of proportion in your life and I would venture to guess that you've yet to seek therapy for your ongoing mental health issues, and instead just want to come on this forum to waste our time.
Please get some help(real help and not form this forum)and get a life. You really need it.
If dad asked you to move in or take over the caregiving contracts with your own time, you might actually be estactic…but dad is showing you that you’re not an option for either.
Maybe your dad is like that too.
Wherever you go, there you are.
You don't like your father to ignore you. You don't want any support from him, but you don't want to be disrespected by his ignoring your pain. ? Support seems to equal respect in this case. You seem to be very sensitive. I'd suggest spending less time with him, hence less chance for him to ignore/not support/disrespect you (or whatever it is that you think is going on).
Whatever you do, or he does, he’s not likely to change at age 82.
If you are young enough yourself to realize that he’s stubborn and snarky and may be burdened in what is happening in HIS life, his actions may be a little easier to put up with.
You can do things that are very kind, and not expect much gratitude from the recipient, but you can also do kind things for someone else that make you uncomfortable.
Maybe his “silence” is the best he’s got.
Either way, decide how you want to handle this with your comfort and contentment as part of the deal. If he’s particularly sullen, you could give it a shot (if you want to) to her him up, and if he doesn’t seem to enter into your frame of mind, say “Well Dad, I guess I’ll go home and do the laundry (or “Gee Dad I better get to the store before it closes” or “Time to let the dog out”) THEN blow him a kiss or give him a hug AND LEAVE.
Maybe he’ll realize that he needs to give a little more enthusiasm for your next visit, and maybe he won’t, but YOU will feel less neglected, and that’s important too.
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