Background: Wife ill with Schzophrenia for the past 25 yrs. Over this time, she was in a mental ward twice, police called 4 times and nothing I've done to get help works. She won't stay on meds. She hallucinates, has long daily conversations with herself, no friends, no family connections. All 3 of our kids have "fled" from her. She is verbally abusive, irate, unreasonable, and has grandiose hallucinations that she is Queen of England, Jesus etc. Her favorite activity is demoralizing me, accusing me of everything from being gay (I am not) to having affairs with every female she knows including my own daughter etc. She is ultra paranoid-doesn't leave the house, believes neighbor is an alien etc. She relies on me for all basic needs. She has no social interaction other than talking/seeing son a few times a year and her sisters many years ago
In 2022, my son helped get her on meds for a while (she will do things for him, not me). A year ago, I took her to ER for pain; they found a lump in her breast. She refused all treatment- wouldn't even get other tests to see if it was cancer. I couldn't force her even though I tried. I made her do a telehealth call with Oncologist and she hid behind a door during the call.
Fast forward- cancer metastasized to all her bones- Stage 4 . I got her into a hospital for 6 weeks recently and no one there could convince her to get help either. They did what they could and sent her home. Now I am caring for her 24/7 with nurse wound care coming in (Her breast is rotting off) and Hospice care several times a week. She can barely walk now and is in a lot of pain. She refuses to believe she has cancer but knows she is sick and thinks she will get over it. I now have to do everything which is fine except she scolds me for not helping her to the bathroom correctly, straightening her bed right, or picking up a piece of lint on the floor - you name it. I'm constantly attacked, told I am an idiot and at fault for everything. Still- I love her and hate seeing her suffer so I put up with it. I cook all meals, manage her meds, clean up her accidents, help her to bathroom, rub her legs, wash her hair, etc. but still it's never good enough. I do this all alone- no family or friends are helping
When she came home from the hospital her 4 sisters did visit (from Canada). Once back, they began texting me daily and demanding that my wife facetime them everyday. Wife won't answer her phone and says she doesn't want to talk to them. I did force her to talk to them a few times but then she was hysterical afterwards and berated me for hours, told me I am having an affair with them and it was "illegal" to text her sisters. I told the sisters this, even sent recordings of her hysteria and saying she didn't want to talk to them but they still blamed me that they couldn't talk to her. The sisters are also demanding I put her in a facility but I know my wife will be worse off there- she is most stable at home and I care for her better than the hospital did. The sisters then called my oldest daughter (who lives in town) but hasn't seen us for for over 10 years. When I told daughter her mom was in the hospital several months ago, she only conversed by text for a few days and then told me not to contact her anymore...that she would reach out if she wanted more info on her mom. But now, since her aunts called, daughter has decided to take over. Demanded I put mom in a facility and told me I was "cheap" because I didn't. (Money is not the issue) When I said I was skeptical of her concern, she went ballistic, called APS and said I was mentally/physically abusing my wife! APS came twice and unfortunately my schzophrenic wife did not help matters as she is a complainer about everything. The report came back that charges are dropped for physical abuse, dropped for "no proper care" yet on the mental abuse charge it was "inconclusive". What can I do? It is just too much to bear. I am falsely accused
You can let the staff do the "heavy lifting".
((((((Hugs)))))
I am so sorry for your troubles.
It sounds as though you are a trigger for her
Consider that having her in a Nursing Home or Hospice Facility might be better for all concerned at this point.
It is admirable how you have taken care of her despite how she treats you but it is time to let go.
How are you doing your wife a favor by keeping her at home to suffer to this degree? Or yourself, to be abused by her to THIS degree and now investigated by APS for bogus charges by a severely mentally ill woman? She needs to be in a facilty where SZ meds WILL be administered along with pain meds to help her. She will be stabilized mentally and physically and kept comfortable until it's her time to pass. Versus you trying and failing to care for her at home all alone. Next thing you know, she'll call the police will a trumped up story of you beating her and then what?
Save yourself and your wife by holding up the white flag of surrender now. Even great "love" has it's limits.
And this too shall pass. My husband died seven years ago. His death anniversary was December 1st. He died from liver cancer. I don't think that I would have survived emotionally if he would have died at home. We didn't go through any emotional support other than me asking for the hospital chaplin to come in and offer the last rites. He had two days of pallative care in the hospital. He would not have received that level of care at home that he did in the hospital. The staff was wonderful. I knew that he needed a higher level of care. He started coughing up blood that last night at home and died three days later.
Please seek emotional support and spiritual support of your choice. I sought help from my parish after my husband passed, but I wish that I would have sought out emotional support much sooner. Towards the end, we were both tired physically, emotionally and spiritually. Seven years later, and I'm still not fully recovered and have some PTSD lingering. I recently started working after being unemployed for almost three years. I got laid off due to the pandemic. It was a rough and depressing time for me.
Trust that you will survive this. You are tired mentally and physically. Please do not try to carry this burden alone. It is too much to bear alone. You wife is in the hands of a Higher Power. Continue to work along with the social worker and hospice. Hospice provides grief counseling. What you are experiencing right now is anticipatory grief. Try to rest and take time for yourself. Take care of your health and your emotional health.
The other difference is that you have really poor emotional support in place. You aren't complaining about the workload care, its other people making your life difficult and stressful. My mantra is "they are idiots, ignore them".
Some people always think facilities are the answer - they would not be the answer for my son. Our family members with mental illness aren't understood at all by the poorly paid, overworked staff members at nursing homes. My son's mental illness and its "quirks" isn't understood by his highly paid oncologist and his cancer center's medical team. Fortunately, thanks to us, my son ended up in the ICU recently when his brain mets were discovered. His dad and brother and I are the only people who know the difference between a real new symptom and the usual psychosis. When I took him to the ER with his brain confusion (that was entirely different from psychosis) I knew better than to tell them he had schizophrenia. Because I didn't tell them they did a brain scan, discovered the brain mets and immediately began treating his brain in the ICU for swelling.
I think you are doing a great job, I am sorry about the accusations, but you know the truth of the matter.
This will not get any easier for either of you, I have walked this 1st hand, so I know of what I speak.
People get stupid when they are scared, just like you are seeing with your family. I recommend asking them to step up if they feel like she is NOT getting the care they THINK you should be providing, make it CLEAR that 1 person can not do this alone. Then tell them that you can not handle them and their accusations if they won't step up and help to pleaserespectthat you are doingthe best you can in a difficultsituation. It would be easy to tell them where to go but, you really need them to be supportive and not provocative at this time. Then if they continue, bl9ck them from any contact.
May The Lord give you and your family strength for this difficult time.
Edit: it is common for breast cancer to metastasize to the brain, so what they think she should be like is not the reality anymore.
I doubt that this woman is able to see anything clearly. Her mental illness isn’t controlled by any means since she doesn’t take her meds.
The combination of fear and mental illness is incredibly hard to deal with. I feel for all of the individuals involved in this tragic situation.
Now, you are at the end of the road. I am glad that you have hospice on board. Do they give you any indication of about how long she is expected to live? If it's very short term, I guess you just have to hold on for a wild ride. If it's more than a few weeks, which I suspect it is, I would hire some in home help to assist you with things and give you someone "normal" to talk with. If your wife has a fit about helpers, which she certainly might, have the helpers do things around the house for your wife. Clean her room. Cook for her. Do her laundry. Do the dishes. Etc. Your wife will likely get used to the caregiver and then you can get out of this toxic and sad environment for a period of time.
As far as her sisters, I'd pretty much ignore them. Or tell them, sorry, she is mentally ill, dying of cancer and does not want to talk to anyone and that you are not going to force her to. If you're OK, tell them they can come visit again.
Hopefully APS will be drop their nonsense.
If you're willing, I second the idea of putting your wife in a facility. I think she is way too much to handle at home. You have carried this load for decades and now she needs more help than one person is able to provide. You have to think of yourself and your health and well being as well. You count too!!
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