Every time I visit my mum who is 82 lives alone but has carers she is always depressing. So on Christmas Day I went round with her gifts and she started again saying how she doesn’t want to live and this is the worst Christmas and has every illness under the sun according to her. So I just said I hear this all year round and don’t want to hear it on Christmas Day and walked out. She seriously depresses the life out of me and I hate her for it. I offered for her to come to my house which is round the corner but she has always an excuse about not feeling well or she doesn’t want the hassle. Am I being cruel as I tend to lose my patience with her as she has been like this for years and life is hard enough without being around her she has slight dementia thanks
Is your mom being treated for depression? Has she always been like this or kind of new?
So that you don't lose your patience so much, maybe try to accept that this is the way things are with her. It is doubtful that you will be able to change her negative talking. While it's NO fun to be around, if you know that this is what she's going to say every time you see her, then don't get upset about it. Plan on very short visits and don't let her standard complaints get you down. Change the subject - have one or two topics ready. When that ends, tell her it's time for you to leave now. Maybe there are ways to try to "train" her to talk about something other than her depressing topics? Not likely if she has dementia.
Working on getting a dementia diagnosis for my mom but I know she has it. Conversation with her is soooo boring. It's so hard for me. She doesn't engage or says awkward things that are hard to understand and she can't explain it further so that I can know what she is actually trying to tell me. I dread talking with her cuz it's just so strange. When I have to drive her somewhere, and everything is at least 30 minutes from our house, I seriously dread it. I turn the radio up a bit and sing! A little convo but as little as possible and basically only what's necessary. I feel cruel but I just can't force myself to do better. I'm not the peppy cheerleader type that seems to be needed to deal with this. Who has the energy for that??
If she has been like this for 82 years she is not going to change.
What can change is how you deal with her.
What you did, walking out when it got to you is EXACTLY what I would have done.
She is not alone so she is safe.
She may not connect "cause and effect" when you walk out but it will save your sanity.
You are not being cruel.
She probably has absolutely no idea why she depresses you if she has been like this forever.
(by the way I probably would not invite her to your house, much easier for you to walk out when you are at her house.)
My mom was critical of my efforts to care for her at the same time she was apologetic for needing the care. Of course, the criticism is what rankled. It’s not the actual caring that bothered me as she was fairly independent.
Your mom sounds like she needs a place to vent or a person to vent to. By default you apparently are it. I agree that you should not bring her into your home as you would have to deal with it constantly and it is hard for you. You feel better in your home but mom probably wouldn’t. Or if she did, she would soon feel “at home” and start complaining. But a change of scenery IS good for depression. Just not in your home. That’s YOUR safe place.
What helped me was to set my intention before each visit. A mental or actual check list of what needed doing. The next step was to stay focused. After the chores were done, I would sit a minute and visit. Not near long enough in retrospect. But I had a long drive and would be off fairly soon. I regret that now as she knew I would.
Since you are nearby you have a chance to try different things.
Tell mom what the ground rules are. Since she has caregivers, you can’t easily hide behind the chores like I did. But you could have a checklist of her health issues. Perhaps you could reassure her a bit by taking and recording her vitals. This way you touch her, observe her and show concern when appropriate. That would take less than five minutes. (think how short doctor visits are). Then bring up three topics for discussion. If she’s not having it, leave. Those are your terms for visiting. Start there and adjust as you become more comfortable but do not allow yourself more than 10 or 15 minutes. That’s long enough. Perhaps too long. If you are going daily, stop that and only go when YOU want to.
Hate is a strong emotion that can affect your health and better judgment. If you truly hate her in those moments, please do something to soothe your spirits.
I hope you feel better soon and if the caregivers say she is the same with them, just know it’s not personal. She does have dementia.
No, you weren't wrong to lose ur patience. But, she has been like this for a long time and SHE has done nothing about it. Its was up to her to make a life for herself. If she has Dementia, it will only make her depression even worse. I suggest you take her for a goid examination. Tell her Medicare asks that everyone get one once a year. Labs will show if there is something physical. Low potassium will cause depression. Low B12 can effect cognitive ability. Thyroid can cause problems. Dehydration. I would write a note to the doctor telling him her history and ask that it be given him before her appt. That way he can ask the correct questions and look for certain things. He can give a basic cognitive test but a Neurologist is what she needs to get a diagnosis of Dementia.
You, don't try too hard. This is Mom she is not going to change. You need to except this is her personality and work around it. Next year give her her gifts on Christmas Eve. Only see her when you feel you can deal with her. If she has a Dementia, she will not be able to live alone. If u do not have POA, get her to assign you and make it immediate. Its a tool. It gives you the ability to know where she stands financially. Gives you the ability to talk with her doctors. It does not mean ur at her beck and call. Does not mean you physically take care of her but gives u the ability to place her when the time comes. You set boundries for you. You did good walking out. You ask her to come over and she says No, then u say to yourself, I tried.
You aren't being cruel. This is making you hopeless and depressed. Making you feel guilt that your mother is no more now than a burden from which you expect nothing but depression and unhappiness.
In the coming year I would discuss with your Mom how you feel about all of this, that you understand the losses and the agonies of old age and you sympathize, but that there is little you can do about it. Ask her if she would consider speaking with her doctor about mild anti-depressant. Other than THIS it is on YOU to understand that not everything can be fixed. And that YOU, as family, are the one who should fix it.
This is a sad time. For your Mom and for you when you are with her to witness it. So the only answer is that you are so very sorry; is there something you can do right THEN in that moment to help her. And then move on with your life.
I have never liked the "holidays". To me they put an onus and burden on us to "make nice". For your Mom that isn't a choice any more. Would it help a whole lot it she DID?
I am so sorry. This is all over soon, and we will be back to real life. Wishing you the best.
Best of luck to you in these here difficult times.
Phone calls. Same action. The first time, sorry mom, I'll talk to you when you are feeling better. Subsequent calls, sorry mom, I've got to go, goodbye.
Then, there's the rest of us, caught in the quandry of shifting personality changes, odd behavior, anger isssues, and ya know what? We're only human, grappling with these transformations of how we can deal with difficult people and circumstances. This is incredibly difficult and there are no easy answers.
This is my second stint as a caregiver. Learned a lot the first time, and this time-I'm standing up for myself, and it feels really, really good.
But I do have help.
Has she always been this way? Is she like this with other people? Turns out that my grandmother and mom both thought that it was fine to deliberately make me upset, so that I felt worse than them. My mom's social worker heard her admit it. I'm not saying that your mom is doing it on purpose, but it could be a possibility.