Hello All,
Long time lurker, never posted - thank you for this community!
I need some advice / outside perspective on follow-up care for my mother. It's a complicated relationship - Mom is super needy, and distance really helps.
I (41F) moved my mother (77) into a lovely active senior residence home in Florida in February of '23. She is on the independent track, but the residence has assisted living options also. She is a widow as of April 2022 and is very lonely and has multiple health and mental issues. She needs more help and company lately and she cries every night and begs to be close to family. The closest family member is her 30-year old granddaughter who is 1 and a half hours' commute away, but the granddaughter is very busy with full time work, school, and wedding planning and cannot always visit. Granddaughter visits briefly once or twice a month.
I live in Chicago, Illinois. I visit every other 2 months for about a week at a time. But, it's never "enough" and she is very lonely and doesn't have family visit her much and would like to live near me - whether in Chicago or Florida - wherever.
The director of the Senior Residence is concerned she is failing and will become ill due to lack of family visits. They have also noticed her depression, loneliness, and isolation. The consensus is she must be near a family member for her mental health. The family member she prefers is me.
I am debating on moving her to Chicago to be near me to help her out, or moving myself to Florida to be near her. If I move, I will leave my partner behind or force him to come with, and we will have to worry about housing (he owns our small condo) and getting new jobs. Also, I do not like Florida very much. If I move her nearby in Chicago, I will have to find a new senior residence or assisted living place for her and find all new doctors for her.
I struggle with undiagnosed ADHD, anxiety, and depression and it is very difficult to be her caregiver. She is very emotionally dependent on me ever since I can remember and it is very exhausting. I have not been taking care of myself for the last year or two because I am so burnt out from family issues*. But, I am her Power of Attorney as well as favorite emotionally available scatter-brained daughter, so I have a lot of responsibility and guilt to help her. I don't think any other family can step in and help.
I am not looking forward to this decision and I'm very overwhelmed. I am also worried about how expensive moving will be. Even now, the location I found for her and "put her in against her will" is quite expensive (though she does have savings and her IRA and makes just a bit too much to qualify for Medicaid in Florida yet), and I haven't been able to research how to make it more affordable. I just can't get myself to do the bare minimum because of my own issues.
I see a few options: 1) Leaving her where she is and upping her health care; 2) Moving her to the Chicago area in a senior home near me; or 3) Possibly moving myself (and partner) to Florida. No matter what, all of these require me to figure out money and will be very time-consuming research and I will be stressed and obligated to visit her often and help her with errands and her emotional needs that I am not sure I can always provide without detriment to myself. I even made a pros and cons list for each. (As much as I DON'T want to be her helper, it would actually assuage my guilt and DAILY anxiety about calling/helping her.)
Does anyone have any similar stories and anecdotes or possible options on what to do, including ones I have not thought of?
*Extra BG: I'm only family in Chicago. All extended family in PA, rarely see each other themselves. 1 older sister w/ 4 kids (30F, 16M, 15M, 13F) in FL. Sister out of picture. I quit my job and lived with Mom for about 1 year in FL while Dad in&out of nursing homes - took care of all Mom stuff / Dad's death and lived out her condo contract with her (w/o my partner). I'm... tired.
You are a grown child with your own life.
That's as it should be.
Your mother is responsible for her life. Many elders have no children, and the fact that some care worker actually told you your mother would become ill because you don't visit enough? Well, that is simply ludicrous. She/he needs to get a new day-job. Families are honestly the LAST people to give a senior any good help with depression. Mom should see her MD.
In my opinion your Mom should stay in care where she lives.
You should get on with your life.
You should visit when possible.
You should understand you are not responsible for the happiness or unhappiness of your parent. That is your parent's responsibility.
Again, seeing as how our recent threads have gone out of control completely for trying to solve everything for everyone I would say this ball is in your court. If you have trouble knowing your own mind in this situation do consider counseling. Sometimes Social Workers in private practice for counseling are best at life transitions.
Wishing you the best of luck.
Hope you'll update us about your decisions.
I would leave mom where she is.
"The director of the Senior Residence is concerned she is failing and will become ill due to lack of family visits. They have also noticed her depression, loneliness, and isolation. The consensus is she must be near a family member for her mental health. The family member she prefers is me."
Sounds like mom needs to be on medication because of her depression and anxiety. And the director of the Senior Residence sounds like an idiot. Telling you that she has to be near family for her mental health (more like for their mental health).
You wrote "She is very emotionally dependent on me ever since I can remember and it is very exhausting." YES your entire life she has been like a parasite sucking the very life force from you. Do not allow her to continue to do this to you. It's time for your mother to find a new host or grow the hell up and live her life without destroying you.
My mother's anxiety and depression, caused by her "broken brain" was only temporarily alleviated by family visits. She needed meds to replace the chemicals that her brain was no longer producing.
I am caring for my mother Betty, who is 78 years old, living at home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, depression, heart disease, and mobility problems.
I'll tell you a little story about MY mother who also suffered from dementia and mental health issues her entire life. I'm an only child who DID move my parents close to me from FL to Colo into Independent Living so I could help them. Dad was sweet, mom was a pita. She was SO needy that no matter HOW much I did for her, it was never enough. She was also a BS artist to the point she had everyone convinced she was The Poor Soul and The Victim, so Lonely and Nobody Bothered With Her. Sniff Sniff. All lies. Anyway, she was going down the dementia highway when I moved them nearby, and 3 years later, I had to move them to Assisted Living after dad fell and broke his hip.
Mom continued the nonsense as her dementia worsened, saying she was lonely, yada yada, even when dad was living with Her! Then dad died and she was FINE! Socialized like crazy with the other widows in AL until she got pneumonia and her dementia took a turn for the worse.
I had to segue her into Memory Care Assisted Living across the parking lot where she lived for just under 3 years. Complaining the ENTIRE time how lonely she was that no family EVER visited her even on the days WE DID! Such is the nature of dementia combined w mental illness and a manipulative personality where too much wasn't enough. She had caregivers convinced nobody ever visited her bc she could Showtime like an Academy award winning actress! There were many days I stood outside in the SNOW for a phone/window visit during covid lockdowns freezing my butt off where she'd lament 10 min later how LONELY she was, while playing bingo and doing crafts!
Your mother probably has the administration boondoggled in her IL facility! She belongs in Assisted Living with more care and activities and to stay where she is. If she has dementia and mental issues, she's likely to tell you how LONELY she is 10 minutes after you put on a parade in her honor 😑!
Stay where you are and leave mom where she's at. Wellbutrin max dose worked well with my mother to take the edge off "the blues" she suffered from since I was a toddler. It didn't stop her from the suicide threats or the Poor Me Pity Parties though. Unfortunately. Take Barbs advice and get her an appointment with a psychiatrist and then into the AL, pronto. I love ya ma, but I'm not giving up my LIFE to your care and management. While hearing about what I'm NOT doing for you the whole time!
Your mother is 78. Mine died at 95. Be careful what decision you make here, and do not let FOG guide you. FOG=Fear Obligation and Guilt.
Good luck to you
Residents getting mopey about family is one of the most common phenoms in a facility. It’s their job to tell her that in fact family is far away and that they’re there when family is not.
Contact your mothers doctor.
BUT....Don't let her take the best years of your life. She has had a long life and has to face reality. She can adjust and get involved with people her age at the facility. I agree the Facility Director is an idiot, trying to guilt you into taking her elsewhere and disrupting her adult children's families and busy lives.
Get her a cute 14" laptop for Christmas with ZOOM (free) installed. You can arrange a monthly Zoom meeting, where family can all see each other for a fun chat for 10-15 minutes. She can SEE everyone LIVE. It would give her something to look forward to. Cheaper and easier that sucking up your best years of your life.
Read the Forum how so many adult kids did the same thing, spending all their spare time, trying to make an elderly and needy parent "happy"...moving them somewhere close by, and the adult child ends up being a servant/babysitter, stressing them out for years. They couldn't make them happy, ruined their marriages and lost years of valuable time that you WILL NEVER GET BACK.
Trust me, 40-60 are your PRIME YEARS. Don't let ANYONE take them from you. Ask yourself this...what was Mom doing in her 40s? Being a caregiver for her elderly parents? I doubt it. She was finishing raising her kids and enjoying herself with Dad.
As Alva said: "You should understand you are not responsible for the happiness or unhappiness of your parent. That is your parent's responsibility."
I wish you strength and luck to get past this difficult situation.
What qualification do the people at the senior residence have to decide this sort of thing? Did they actually tell you this? Do they have degrees in psychiatry? "Become ill due to lack of family visits" seems like someone is handing you a ticket to a guilt trip. Or did mom pass down the "consensus?" Or did someone else?
It seems very unlikely that a director there would come up with a pronouncement that pins mom's decline and future mental health on what you might or might not do. It's more like something a fake psychic might tell you in her booth at the county fair.
My mom was in assisted living for years. There was plenty to do. I visited often. I never once heard of someone who became ill due to lack of family visits. And lots of people there had NO family at all. NONE. Somehow they managed. They went to dinner, played bingo, did puzzles, swam in the pool. Exercised. Rode the facility's van to the mall. Wheeled themselves around in their wheelchairs. Played miniature golf. Walked their dogs. Socialized at the bar.
Your moving to Florida is a terrible idea! You don't like it there anyway. Your partner will have to accommodate somehow. And then you're stuck being the family member who must be there morning, noon and night so mom can keep her mental health. That is a sure recipe for disaster and too much responsibility for you.
Leave her there. Let her find friends that aren't you. Make sure she's assessed for mental health and possibly gets meds to help her. Also, help yourself. You should definitely not sacrifice yourself anymore. Enough is enough is enough. And stop calling and going there so often.
My own consensus is that your mental health is much more important than hers.
The question is the PoA issue. If it's not active, you'll need to work on this if you want to move her into AL. She's resistant, so you'll need to come back to this forum for strategies on getting this transition to happen.
I agree that you shouldn't move there or bring her near you. I'm PoA for an elderly Aunt in FL who lives in her own home helped by 2 family caregivers. I live in MN and I go down at least once a year just to have eyes on her situation and take care of any business that is too difficult to do long-distance.
You have the option of resigning your PoA and allowing the county to step in once she gets to a level that would cause them to acquire guardianship. Then they will manage all her affairs and care and make decisions for her.
In most states, Medicaid only covers LTC, so she would need to qualify both financially and medically. The need for LTC is assessed by her doctor, which means someone is bedridden or has a profound injury or illness that requires daily medical care.
You can consult with a Medicaid Planner for FL to see what it would take if in the future she needs that type of care. If you don't think your Mom has enough funds to pay for IL, AL or MC until that point, then maybe guardianship is the solution.
Is your Mom on any meds for her anxiety or depression? If not, why not? Is she resistant to them? At the end of the day, if she's chronically resistant then I would resign my PoA. Considering your own personal issues, it won't help you -- and you need to make yourself a priority or you will turn into cold ash. I wish you much wisdom, clarity and peace in your heart as you consider your options.
Your mom has lived the majority of her life. She has more years behind her than she has ahead.
You on the other hand have many more years to enjoy. Enjoy your life in Chicago with your partner.
Don’t even consider moving to Florida! You already know that you aren’t fond of Florida.
Your feelings on Florida won’t change and you will grow to resent being there.
You could move her to you, but doubtfully that will do much more than cause you even more stress b/c you will be her only go to.
Can you maybe take a long weekend and gets boots on the ground to assess the situation in person?
If she needs a psych eval, that would be helpful. She's still grieving her husband. Maybe she needs an anti depressant? Maybe you could reach out to some of her friends for a little support (realizing she may have already burnt them all out).
Her gdaughter should not do more than she is doing--if she steps in more, she will find herself trapped.
At this time, I would 'vote' for leaving her where she is and upping the care level. I hope you are in contact with the people who are caring for her. You don't see her day to day, and they do. Maybe she's not quite as miserable and she's playing it up to be.
I would put off any moves until she has passed through all the grieving. That sounds harsh, I know, but you can't deal with her pain--only she can do that.
NHWM is 100% right. If you move to FL, you will come to hate it more than you already do. And you'll be resentful towards mom on top of it.
Many people are in ALF's and are 'alone'--it's sad, and it's hard, but it is done every day by many people.
You sound totally burned out and you haven't even been to see her yet--sounds like family is not helpful. You may have to lean more on the residence to help.
I kind of think that them telling you she's failing because she needs more from her family is a little, um, manipulative.
You do what is best for YOU. You've already seen what FT cg is like. It won't be better this go around.
Good Luck!
What does your mother want to do to solve her own problem? She may want to be close to family, but, as you and they are scattered about various states, that is unrealistic. Does she acknowledge that?
I foolishly thought I could win my mother’s approval by moving her next door to me and my family. She was always difficult and I was never enough. She developed dementia and expected me to leave my husband and children to be by her side 24/7. When I refused to move in with her she threatened suicide. We were fed up with being manipulated and, during her last suicide attempt, I phoned the police and EMS. We were so stressed. She is now in a fine care home.
You don’t mention dementia, but my mother’s started with her isolating herself, demanding only me, making excuses to decline all solutions except me and becoming combative. She soon forgot how happy she was to move next door, and accused me of stealing her old house, forcing her here.
From my personal experience, step back.
My mother has been getting forgetful and "very confused" lately - she blames the fact that there's no "stimulation" (but she never was very social and always stayed in to begin with, and she avoids the social calendar events most of the time because she doesn't feel up to being extroverted) - but she did literally cry to me several times over the phone recently that she most definitely is "*NOT* getting dementia, I'm only overwhelmed" lately, which I'm taking as an admittance that she's afraid she actually is getting dementia. My Dad had a mild case before passing and she spoke about it constantly - her mother did in later years also. None of us have ever said the word or anything to indicate we thought she might be - so I think as a retired registered nurse who worked on a geriatric floor and took care of many old, failing, and dying patients, it's her biggest fear and might actually be happening.
I'm aware that may be happening as well - and I wonder also if that's why she's doubling down and becoming needier with me. She's already upset whenever I visit for 10 days at a time (beyond my comfort zone, but not enough for her) and trying to reiterate my boundaries and limits.
Thank you for giving me food for thought.
Your Mom has been emotionally dependent on you for as long as you can remember, and now she’s actually got the director of the facility saying that you need to be there for her mental health. Did you hear that directly from the director or from mom?
It sounds like emotional blackmail. I am personally grappling with the fact that I was literally born to give my mother comfort in her old age. I’m 57 and I’m tired of it, I deserve my own life and so do you. At 77 she could live for decades.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but literally save yourself. No one is responsible for another adult’s happiness. And even if you blow up your whole life for her she probably still won’t be happy.
The "everyone can live to 100" bunch and our current user-unfriendly eldercare system are not likely to change in my remaining time. Still, my "happiness" or lack thereof should be MY responsibility, not that of my family. I will need to work hard at living that philosophy as my health and abilities decline, but I'm committed to doing the best I can. I hope my fellow elders will try to do so to the extent they are able.
I think you are already doing a lot by visiting her every two months for a week each time. That is six times a year. I like the family Zoom idea.
If you think long and hard about it and think YOUR life will be easier if she relocates to Chicago, maybe consider that. But bear in mind she will only become more reliant on you and won’t complain any less even if you see her twice per week. You will have to have very firm boundaries to make it work.
My situation is fairly similar, and I did move my parents up near me. So I am speaking from experience.
good luck!
Thank you for sharing. <3
That’s backwards (unless someone wants to move to that area anyway) .
In your case with all your anxiety , I would not move Mom near you either . Leave her where she is , but maybe move her to assisted living for more socialization .
There should be no guilt . You should never have been made your mother’s emotional crutch your whole life . Take it from me , I WAS you , and learned too late as well . Mothers should not put us daughters in servitude. We hear from many that were though from early on in our lives . FOG. Fear , obligation , guilt is making you feel you have to make Mom happy .
You ARE NOT AND NEVER should have been made responsible for your mother’s happiness. You are feeling grief because she isn’t happy. NOTHING you do will ever be good enough because your mother has a mental illness . This is not your fault , nor your problem despite the fact that your mother makes it your problem .
Save yourself , live your life with your partner . See a therapist to help you break free of your mother’s grasp . You can be her POA and advocate from a distance . In your case that is best to protect yourself. I’m dumbfounded that the facility is saying you should live near your mother BTW. That’s ridiculous and out of line for them to say .
You also can always give up POA if it becomes too difficult , either another family member picks it up or the county/state becomes Moms guardian .
If you decide to move Mom near you or God forbid you give up your life to move near Mom , she will expect you to be with her all the time. Are you prepared for that ??? You will have to set boundaries and limit your time with her in order not to have her drive you crazy . She’s already driving you crazy from afar when you at least have distance . I also suggest you limit phone calls. Cut them short. “ Sorry Mom I have to go now “….
You May be thinking , how can I resist trying to make Mom happy , when she’s lonely , miserable etc ? I used to think like that , and now regret that I spent too much time on Mom and not enough time for myself and my own family .
Good Luck . Keep posting and reading threads with demanding mothers like yours .
I had my life planned by family members behind my back that I would uproot my life and job to move to another state, move in and take care of aunt. Forget about my life and job. Aunt needs you.
No, they need more help than we can provide. We are not the heal makers and the solution to someone's illness.
Continue living your life and let mom stay where she is. Someone else suggested maybe a more social facility, but NOT NEAR YOU.
Perhaps your mother could benefit from antidepressants. I’d start there.
Also I have a sense you are being manipulated by your mother. If she doesn’t like the facility she can find another one more suitable for her. She is responsible for herself. She is not incapacitated.
She is only 77. You will be at this a long time if your jump into caregiver mode now.
Don’t do it just yet.
I think she has a good 5-7 years left in her. She's very tenacious. Her only issue is not taking care of herself once in a while (drinking or eating enough) and also dizziness / falls - which all luckily have been mild with no broken bones or lasting damage (and seem to be medicine related).
Is mom involved in a Church or other religious affiliation?
If so do they have Volunteers that would come and visit 1 time a week?
Can mom afford a paid caregiver that could come in 1 time a week to visit and see if she needs anything? (Maybe even one of the employees at the facility would want to do this, or they may know of someone that would want a few hours)
Would moving mom to the AL portion of the facility help?
I do not think you should uproot your life to move for your mom and it would be unfair to ask your partner to do so particularly if you both are employed and have "roots" here in the Midwest. (although moving some place warmer in the winter does have perks)
It would be different if you could both work remotely and keep your jobs.
And has her depression been discussed with her doctor? If she is falling has she been evaluated for a few visits of PT and OT? Is she using a walker, or is she supposed to be using one?
I am with the majority
Do not move to be closer to mom and IF you decide to move mom closer to you do NOT become more involved with her than you are currently. (I mean as far as doing more, you have to maintain your life, You don't want a parasitic relationship)
I too am exhausted...there is no easy answer. We not responsible for other people's happiness, yes... But I had to do what I could live with. No easy answers.
Managing her care remotely just became too much for me as she became needier in her final ( I hope!) year. There comes a time when it's simply is not easy to manage care remotely and they do become very lonely and dependent as it's harder for them to get out. Strangers and the caregivers and the facility just were not enough and I felt I needed to move out to make the end of her life easier. Your mom is much younger than my mom...my mom was pretty independent but is now very emotionally dependent now is she nears end of life...
Re: Chicago area. I will say the doctors out here and medical care is excellent at least in the suburban area I'm in.
I'm in a very similar position to you in many ways. They're just is no easy answer, I just chose the best one for me at the time. Many people advised me to not get involved but it simply wasn't a choice I could live with. But I will say I completely understand that sentiment. What I did learn is how to set healthier boundaries and I've grown emotionally in many ways
If she is healthy and looks like she will last years, though, I would try to keep her out there. While it was stressful to do my mother's care remotely it worked for about 9 years until it didn't. As it looks like it will be difficult to move her then you can move her.
There really are no easy answers, but I understand 100% about the sentiment of doing what you can live with. That's how I operate too.
My mother is very independent - except emotionally. And she has confessed to getting confused more often lately, which is worrying, and I believe her on it.
But, I do think she has a good 5-7 good years left in her, barring any surprises. She's very tenacious. Her only issue is not taking care of herself once in a while (drinking or eating enough) and also dizziness / falls - which all luckily have been mild with no broken bones or lasting damage (and seem to be medicine related).
I think I will continue the remote care for a bit (I honestly think it's best not to cause another disruption to her life if possible, and I hate holding out but the younger grandkids nearby will have drivers licenses soon, plus the oldest is visiting every other week). There's just more family likely to visit there than in Chicago.
Sister of my heart - hoping the best for you as well. <3
Perhaps M should be in AL rather than SL, because AL has more emphasis on socialising. Perhaps you need to change her facility in Florida to one that can actually do the job they charge for, not just let M pay more for a higher level of care to this lot of morons.
I am the same age as M, and I think you are being ‘played’ by both M and the facility. M is not very ill, or she would not be in Senior Living. So she is competent to sort out her own problems, like getting involved in a social life of her own. She is pulling strings to get you to do what she wants. Chances are that you have always been her ‘retirement plan’ - and it might be worth asking her! She has conned the facility, which is saying what she wants them to say. They should know better and do better.
Stay where you are, think about a more appropriate facility for M in Florida. Yours, Margaret
Ask Facility your mom lives in to get your mom a mental health pro too. You may have no decisions to make after that .