I have become increasingly dissatisfied with my job situation. I have been working at my job for nearly 20 years, am well paid, have excellent benefits and some flexibility with scheduling, as my supervisor understands that I am sole caregiver for my mom with dementia. I am 59, so not quite old enough to retire yet. I wish I was because I just can't stand my job anymore for reasons I won't go into. I also have zero time to actually search for and apply for new jobs because in my spare time I am caring for my mom.
Lately I have started to think that I could quit my job next year, take some time off (have enough saved to live job-free for about 2 years) and have enough time to do a proper job search. Getting paid to take care of mom is my worst case scenario, in case I can't find a job that I enjoy. We would of course consult an elder law attorney, draw up a contract, etc because I am mindful of the possibility that mom may some day need to apply for Medicaid.
She is 82, has mild dementia and will probably live for many more years as she is in generally good health. She currently has 3 caregivers, one who works 5 hours a week, another who works 15 hours a week and a third who works 25 hours a week (two overnights). I would replace the ones who work a total of 20 hours a week and of course pay myself for things that I have been doing for her without pay.
Curious if any of you have done this, what it was like, what the advantages/disadvantages were ... Again it's a worst case scenario situation for me. My preference is to leave the job where I am dissatisfied and eventually find something more enjoyable for the last 6-11 years of working life that I have left.
I am her POA, so I pay the bills, keep track of all of her financial and health necessities. I log in these hours and get paid for it, and why not? If we hired someone, they would get paid. If she lives long enough and the money runs out, we have all the documentation needed for Medicaid.
When I consulted an elder care attorney a few years ago, I had already researched for the contracts, I made up my own timesheet using Excel, and was keeping the records of everything. The attorney looked it over and said it was just fine and would satisfy Medicaid requirements. The timesheets I found on the internet were just too complicated. Your mom is already paying for some care, so you know what it costs. The attorney advised us to set our rate a little lower than the rate charged by caregiver businesses, but we charge more than what those businesses pay their employees, it's in the middle. You want to make sure it's not too high for eventual Medicaid filing, but high enough for you to have to pay the taxes because mom has to file a 1099 for you (which you will have to do for her).
You mentioned in a reply that you have been giving more thought to cutting back your hours to take on more care of your mom. I can see you are good at brainstorming, but it's also nice to get feedback from those of us who have traveled this path.
I think you already know most of this, as indicated in your post. There are even available allowances for respite care for the caregivers to take time off. We haven't done this yet. It can be so mind-numbing caring for an adult like this. I was a licensed daycare provider for many years, it was a lot of work, but also so rewarding watching the kids grow and learn. The caretaking of an elder is very difficult. Cleaning up a poop mess from an adult is not the same as changing a baby diaper. Giving a baby a bath is way different than having your mother grit her teeth and scream "I hate you" because you try to get her to take a shower.
Good luck, this aging care is tough stuff, but somebody has to do, so why not get paid for it.
I was in the same situation, i left good job, because stress was worse, no regrets.
Now, being caregiver, there is stress, but I have some control and choices.
Maybe work part time or take some time for yourself as you have flexibility. If you decide to become caregiver, make sure your pay is as high as possible, it is not taking advantage, it is one job that is under appreciated.
My Mother was ailing and I was having issues at work...
There months later I had an ephiany that I committed the worst mistake of my life... By September of 2000, things quieted down and life wasn't as chaotic..
My Mother died October 2002 and in those 5 years afterwards I grieved something awful but with our Lord and Blessed Lady's help I was able to accept my Brother's death in November 2007.. Life was difficult after my Mother's death as I didn't return to work...
Tall to Family before you make such a commitment..
Good Luck...
They will send someone to the home and determine what she may need and how many hours she qualifies for. Then the state pays the care giver. Services provided are light housekeeping, meal prep, etc. Family members are eligible to be paid care givers. I am a provider for my developmentally BIL. As a provider you would have to submit an application, background check, fingerprints, etc.
Bear in mind that it is eventually TOO MUCH WORK for one person no matter who is getting paid to do it.
Consult with an elder care attorney as you mentioned. Start keeping receipts for EVERYTHING. Keep ALL copies of every receipt and and ALL the pages of every bill (even if page is virtually blank), bank statements, etc. If the bill say 1 of 4, etc, be sure you have all pages. Medicade will want them ALL.
I tell you this from Medicade processes we went through for my BIL and mother.
Be sure you have copies of birth certificates, death certificates (fathers?), copies of any trust, bank statements, POAs, house titles, etc. Once again this comes from experience.
My moms care taking journey was a LONG difficult experience. Some of the paperwork processes were horrendous and complicated by Covid.
If you decide to be your moms caregiver check with your local Council on Aging for respite services. You’ll need it.
Good luck.
I have done exactly what you said, about retiring and taking care of my mom, and because of my job. Different ages. I did this around the beginning of the pandemic, and with my age, was able to take full retirement. So I do have my monthly social security income. But I've never gone forward with having Mom pay me. I think about it, but just haven't. However, Mom's elder attorney advised me of the above.
What I do know, is that Mom was 95, 2 years ago, when I retired. She was still easily able to ambulate with a walker. In the last 6 months, she has declined a lot. She can walk with a walker in the house, but needs a wheelchair anywhere out. At this rate, I am thinking only wheelchair by the end of the year.
I tell you all of this, because things change, possibly slower or quicker than you might expect. And you are 5 years younger than I was when I retired, so you may really want to go back to work, whereas I've been undecided on that score.
As someone else said, as you already have caregivers set in place, seriously think about just changing jobs. I am very happy I quit mine then, at the end, a job I grown to hate. But I'm not so sure I should have just not gotten another job then. Once you are not working for 2 years, you may not want to go back to work. If that matters to you, just think about it.
Otherwise as much as I bellyache and lament sometimes about the woes of caregiving, I and my daughter who lives with us, are happy and ok "right now" with being there for Mom. But in the back of my mind, I know a nursing home may be closer in time than we realize.
Good luck with your decision, and know you have this forum for support. (And ignore the negativism. )
I’ve been dealing with physical and mental slide for 10 years, 5 years ago moved back to California and took over to get my home in a home. Her health has improved here. I visit and make sure her care and insurance is paid. Now moms money is running out. All she has is 3200 in ss/survivor benifit. Basically her expenses in the home are a wash.
Just be POA and pay her caregiver and love her.
I do not provide direct care for my mom and live in a different state. than her. Since she cannot live alone due to stroke-related dementia, I hired 24/7 caregiving for her.
My plan is to wait until after my mom passes away before I actually reimburse myself, just in case she needs the money. If she passes away, and there is money remaining, my compensation will be taken our first, then the estate will be divided equally. If she needs all the money, then there will be no compensation.
I don't think I could provide 24/7 for my mom, directly, even if I wasn't already taking care of my own family and had time. I'm not trained to do it and emotionally, it's very hard to watch my mom decline to the point she doesn't always recognize me, or her caregivers.
very kind of you.
not only are you a wonderful daughter, but i bet, full of integrity and wonderful values.
If I understand, you are considering taking on those extra 20 hours a week replacing the current caregivers (5 & 15) & retaining the caregiver working the nights you aren’t. You would be paid for your time allowing you to leave your job.
I would find a balance. You would need to determine what works for you. If in fact you find this arrangement wasn’t what you were expecting, post pandemic has opened up endless possibilities in the job market. There are still employers who value knowledge & experience.
My mother is turning 85 in September with some dementia. We travel together & I care for her when needed. In all honesty, I’ve never gotten paid or expected to. Its important for me to know when I need to leave, I can & do.
My mother has lived in the same home over 60 yrs & has no intention of ever moving. She will need in home care very soon and that won’t be me. Caregiver burnout is very real. The exhaustion is mental & physical. I relocated 5 years ago putting a healthy 3 hour distance between us. I can make the drive when necessary but I’m still far enough away to avoid calls for simple tasks easily handled by others (home grocery & pharmacy delivery, lift line for doctor visits),
You are 59, you could take an early retirement at 62. Your 2 years worth of savings gives you 1 year left to cover financially.
I am turning 64 in July. I found 2 great jobs in my 50’s. I took an early retirement at 62.
I say do what makes you happy. Carefully considered risk usually pays off.
Wishing you peace & joy.
Your suggestion that I wait until 62 is a good one. I've considered that. Within the next 3 years I could very likely save enough for an additional third year of expenses, and leave at 62 with enough savings to live until Medicare. (But I doubt that I would actually retire at 62 because my SS payment would be too low.)
Thank you also for pointing out that the job market is currently quite favorable for almost anyone. That was my thought. I realize it's a risk but as you said, "carefully considered risk usually pays off" ... I really like the sound of that.
I think one thing most everyone missed is that I see taking care of mom for pay as a worst-case scenario, the option of last resort in the event that I can't find another job. But over the weekend I've also been brainstorming other options, including asking to work part-time for a while. That might be enough of a respite.
Thanks again for your thoughtful reply. I really appreciate it.
I don't actually have a particularly good relationship with my mother, most of the time I don't even like her but I like to work, so that's not a problem. She's a nice enough person, she means well, but we've just never been close.
Thanks for pointing out that it could work if I have help as that is my intention, not to do it alone. But tonight I realized that she may be starting to have difficulties wiping herself after she poops and that has definitely made me rethink my plan!
If your mom goes into MC, would you need to sell the house to pay for the MC? Are you hoping you will be able to stay with her in the house until you can start collecting SS and the annuity?
$ from your own mother? disgraceful
This is misinformation and frequently appears on this site. Yearly gifts disqualify Medicaid beneficiaries.
What will you do when you need time off? What will you do for a vacation?
How will you handle it emotionally if your mother becomes demanding, unreasonable, or does not express gratitude?
If you realize that you do need to get back into a traditional job, you might not be able to.
I noticed awhile ago, her FB occupation says she is the Professional Caregiver of our parents, and whether she is being paid by mom and dad, or our state, no clue. Given the condition of their home, turning into a hoarder’s mess, I doubt the state is paying, as I’d expect inspections to be necessary, but not positive. We are given very little info about anything, all subjective info, e.g. mom and dad’s lab reports are great, not showing us the lab reports. I no longer ask questions cause she is in charge, per mom and dad’s wishes, and I’m starting to just not care anymore. I find peace by knowing our parents never wanted to live anywhere, but their home, even tho they didn’t work hard enough to stay independent, expecting their youngest to be their 24/7 caregiver. Our parents didn’t do this for their own parents.
Another reason why I ask nothing is because I don’t want to be the one that points out how fragile their situation is, because she has been taking care of them alone, for many years now. She never left home, as they never forced her to, and now she is in charge. If I cause problems by asking reasonable questions, and she loses it, who takes care of mom and dad? They just want her, and the codependent bond is so tight, we just let them be. Beyond frustrating.
I would advise you to think very carefully before you give up your home, income and tie yourself to an elder, you seem not so interested in taking care of, rather you seem to dislike your job. I get that too, cause my sister didn’t like her job either, and her obligations to our parents, were getting in the way of her doing a good job. Listen to inkandpaper, this is not a job you easily quit. The person/s you will be serving will not get better, easier, and I have no clue how my sister is doing it, but she doesn’t want my help. Until she does, and then I give it freely.
I do nothing to rock their boat, cause I do not want her job. In my family, saying that is considered uncaring, mean, and thankful for this forum, that has common sense and a realist approach to elder care. I will NOT suffer any guilt, cause I tried my best to be part of a team of helpers, but the one in place has to be their everything. She will say it isn’t true, lol.
I worry about my sister realizing what she gave up, her life, and will be sure to let her know the job was never offered to me, the eldest, as my much younger parents expected me to learn to fend for myself, at a very young age. How the oldest two were raised, very differently from the much younger caregiving sister. When I asked mom why she hadn’t moved out, and started her own life, mid 20’s, mom wouldn’t speak to me for over four months. I was worried decades ago about how our family was headed, but never allowed to say a damn thing, as I’m the black sheep, got sober at 24, stayed sober by living a disciplined life, guided by 12 steps and a desire to be both mentally and physically healthy. The elder women on mom’s side, the side of family we saw, weren’t into moving, were heavy and the attitude was feeling older, much sooner than one should, for best aging. Dad is in better shape, but mom
is both immobile mostly, and incontinent, but both parents want to do mostly as they please, and our sister accommodates that desire.
If my sister read my words, written tbh, in fear, I would be texted a book about how I should think and feel. But I am over it. This forum is where I share my experience, strength and hope, praying you will be careful what you decide to do.
Since you already have people in place to care for mom, use the flexibility of your current job and vacation time to apply for other jobs. The other option is to look at working a few more years where you are and think of the time is the last few feet to the bottom of the hill. Any job has downsides and people who work alongside you who make it miserable.
You're 59 years old and have been at your job for 20 years. Put in a few more and take an early retirement at 62. Or start looking for another job while you're still working. Everyone here is right. It's easier to find a job when you're employed. Don't become your mother's caregiver. What will happen is you will become her full-time 24/7 caregiver. This is what happens when an adult child takes up part of the care for an elderly parent. They end up doing all of the care for the elderly parent. The parent/son/daughter relationship ends when you get the caregiver title. At best most adult children become an employee with the parent as their boss. At worst they become caregiver slaves 7 days a week and the elderly parent is master. Hired caregivers don't have a history with their clients. We leave at the end of our shifts. We walk away if we don't want to stay on an assignment. Sons and daughters have history. When they take up the responsibility of caregiving they can't just hand mom or dad's case off to a supervisor or put in their two-week notice. Keep that in mind.
When a person has had a loving and caring relationship with their parent it gets wrecked when they become caregivers to elderly parents. If the relationship wasn't great and there's abusive history, it will wreck your life. Take it from me, I've been living that dream or should I say nightmare for a while now. Leave the hands-on caregiving and the hour after hour of companionship/sitting work to homecare staff. Stay employed and continue having a parent/child relationship with your mother with some distance.
After caring for mom that four years employment in my field.was very hard to find. I could have found a job as a caregiver making $10-12 an hour with any agency. I was asked a couple of times. I was so terribly insulted, all while being under the stress of trying to find something that paid decently.
Exhausted, that is what it was for me. Yes after a court order, I was paid a ridiculously low amount for 24/7 care of mom. Yes, court! I had been accused of financial exploitation by twisted sissies, investigated by APS (lawyer time) that led to an excruciating couple of years, with attorney fees, followed by another stressful time looking for work, something I wanted to do. APS closed the investigation because, in their determination nothing of the sort was occuring. There was nothing to investigate.
So, exhausted, ignore what others here are telling you. They are only trying to show you another perspective of what could easily happen. I will repeat once more, back away from caring for the mom you have so much resentment for, look for a job you will like while still employed, in a location that you will enjoy, and make the change now. There are so many positions and employers looking for workers there really is not a better time to make a change that will be good for you.
And my mom still toileted, dressed and bathed (with oversight) herself during the time I cared for her. Though she had frequent explosions that I would.need to clean up.
Waiting 2 years to get back into the job market at your age is a fools errand. Let's face it age discrimination in regards to employment is very real and none of your employers are going to care that you took off for 2 years to take care of mom. In fact that 2 year gap will be more detrimental to you.
If you hate your job start looking for a new one while still employed. It is easier to find a job when you are employed than when you are unemployed.
The very last thing I would do is quit my job to care take, it is to me the worst of all options.
Spending 4 nights a week and weekends with your mother is a personal choice, if you feel stretched cut back on the visits.