My mom is 69 years old, 100 percent mobile and healthy. There is no care needed at this point. She works full time as a legal secretary. She moved in with us about four years ago because she couldn't afford her house anymore. I have always been close to my mom but we don't really get along too well. Kind of like oil and water. However, this situation is really the only option possible currently. I live with my husband and two children. She pays us rent of $600/month (she chose that figure). The catch is that when she moved in, she made it CLEAR that she was never going to cook. She just doesn't want to; it's not that she can't. Initially, for the first couple of years, she sat in with us every dinner as we cooked and bought the food. Then, as time went on, I became VERY resentful and annoyed at this. I mean, we are not running a B&B here! It must be nice to just come out when the dinner bell rings and sit down to eat every night. Plus, we also have to buy extra for that fifth person too. I work early mornings and I am also a homeschooler, so it would be nice to get some help in the cooking area. My husband is great and does cook on occasion too when his schedule allows. You'd think since her living with us has been a bit of an inconvenience, she'd want to at least help out in this area more. At least on the weekends, breakfast, holidays, ANYTHING for crying out loud!
Anyway, my husband began to get annoyed at the whole thing too and I eventually got to the point where I told her if she wants to eat with us, she has to cook at least once a week and go shop for the food. Again, she made it VERY clear she did not want to cook. So, I told her then we'll do dinners separate then and she said that was fine. So, now, we mostly eat separate, but I know deep down she wants those meals I cook and she's like waiting for a spontaneous invite all of the time! I cook for my boys and husband and she cooks her microwave meals. Of course, because she's family, when we cook her favorite like pasta, I will invite her to dinner with us. I never intended her rent to include cooking and all of the shopping. That's just not fair for us and once I started feeling resentful and angry as I am cooking and she is doing nothing, I knew something had to change. Any advice? Are we doing the right thing? I can't think of any other way where it would feel fair to me.
If your mom made it clear in the beginning that she wouldn’t cook AND she is now fixing her own little meals, I don’t think it’s fair to try & make her cook for the entire family. It’s so much quicker/easier for her to just prepare meals just for herself, no wonder she doesn’t want to cook.
Does she help clean, like vacuuming, dusting, etc? If not, maybe some of those tasks can be negotiated. I assume she does her own laundry? Maybe your Mom thinks that $600 is supposed to cover every single thing & y’all need to come to a new agreement.
I think there’s more going on here than just the cooking/not cooking. Since it’s your house, it’s your rules. If she’s paying that little for rent and not helping with utilities, doing her own laundry, helping with housework and even babysitting occasionally, you might need to have a family meeting to set things straight.
It also takes time to plan family meals and buy groceries. She still works and should be able to afford buying ingredients for a meal for her family.
Slow cookers are the easiest way to cook for a lot of people without using a lot of pots and pans. There are many cookbooks dedicated to slow cookers. You can make practically everything in a slow cooker including lasagna and other pasta dishes!
You need to sit down with your mother and explain your food budget and family meals to her. Perhaps she would be willing to use the slow cooker.
If she's not willing to cook even one meal for her family, then I think you will have nothing to feel bad about and can tell her "Mom, I'm disappointed that you won't cook a meal for your family and, perhaps it's time you looked into a senior living community where they will cook for you" and then be quiet and see how she reacts.
There also are other living arrangements that are becoming more popular among active seniors. Many have large homes but empty nests, and rent out bedrooms and share communal spaces like the kitchen. Many times bedrooms have their own private bathroom. It's like real life Golden Girls. Perhaps she'd like to look into that.