MY mother is currently in rehab but will be back home soon with my dad, who isn't in the best health. She has had several strokes and has dementia. She seems to take out her frustrations on my dad the most (I am second in line I guess but I have the privilege of leaving and going home). Any practical tips to help him? I don't want to put her in a nursing home, but I do worry about his happiness and health too. He has help that comes in, but I am afraid she is going to drive them off. My mom was never easy to deal with per se, but this is a new ballgame.
She accuses him of:
- having an affair with the help
- holding her prisoner
- what ever else you can think of.
I miss my real mother. I have a friend that says "at least your mom is still alive"... no, she's really not.
You can't do everything for everyone, and her needs are such that they're dangerous to others around her. Memory Care knows how to handle people like her and they don't get driven off by nasty behavior.
Do they have the financial resources to place mom in a Memory Care Assisted Living facility? If so, that may be what's best for her and for dad, too. She'll get round the clock care and activities there and dad will get his life back. He can go visit her daily once she settles in, if he'd like. Same goes for you. My mother lived in a Memory Care AL for nearly 3 years and received an excellent level of care there from a team of people who really loved her, and vice versa. Look into it, that's my suggestion.
If there aren't financial means to fund this, look into daycare for her so dad can have respite from the chaos she causes him.
Speak to her doctor about calming meds for her agitation, too. Accusing dad of all those things is a sign of agitation.
As far as tone deaf friends telling you how lucky you are to still have your mom go, the most relief I'd felt in years was the day God finally took my poor mother out of her misery and to heaven with Him. People who make such statements need to spend a few days in your shoes to change their tune. I hate dementia with everything in me, I really do.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation
If the UTI test comes back that there is no UTI, then it is the phase of dementia. Sadly it will only get worse.
Sounds like your Dad is the main caregiver any time the caregivers are not there. Please note if your Dad's caregiving is becoming exhausting and stressful for him, he has up to a 40% chance of dying, leaving behind your Mom. That in its self should be reason enough to place your Mom either in Memory Care or into a Nursing Home.
Otherwise you would be finding yourself next in line to be a caregiver 168 hours per week, with no help if your Mom keeps driving off the caregivers.
My own Mom did that, and eventually after she fell, had rehab, Dad and I placed Mom into a Nursing Home because she now needed a professional village to care of her.