How do you develop a plan for a family meeting?
I have been a carer for over four years for both my parents and every time a meeting is held my siblings end up fighting, blaming each other and pointing the finger at each other. I have recently indicated that I have found things very stressful and told my siblings this and they have now called a family meeting to ask what it is I 'want' which makes me feel that they will end up dictating to me that things are okay and that I am just been 'dramatic'. I have often been told that because I stepped up into this role that 'its your job, thats what you signed up for' and now when I try to bring up anything up I find I am ignored. So with this meeting coming up I decided that I need a plan to avoid things going pear-shaped. Any advise of ho to approach things?
So that all went well. At least it was quite short!
The other reason it didn't descend into throwing things or frank throttling is that it was chaired by my ex-SO, who also lives in the house with my mother and me, and happens to be superb at moving agendas along and shutting people up charmingly when they wander off the point or become personally insulting. Hence I agree with Pam - a mediator, ideally one who knows all of you but has no personal interest in arrangements, is an excellent idea. The only caveat is that you have to choose very carefully and gain everyone's prior agreement, or otherwise - oh irony of ironies - Act 1 will involve everyone arguing about the mediator's objectivity, purpose, right to be present and quite possibly legitimacy at birth as well, until the mediator quite fairly decides he's had enough of all of you and leaves in a huff.
Anyway. Allow my experience to be your Bad Example. This is how you *don't* do it. It seems to me a positive thing in principle that your siblings are willing to get together to find a way forward. That way may be mined, it may have cross-winds and highway robbers and treacherous potholes, but at the very least they are willing to see if they can find it. I'd be happier if they had *asked* you if you would like a meeting, rather than telling you it's happening; but rise above that and proceed as if it were your idea. It is a good idea. Why not make the most of it?
What you want is an agenda. What are you finding stressful? What support would be genuinely helpful to you? Which of your siblings might you nominate to participate in particular ways, assuming them to be willing and able? What could you do to make your siblings feel more actively engaged in your parents' care, and appreciated for whatever commitment they might agree to? What changes in your parents' and your own needs do you anticipate, and what would be the implications?
Depending on known sore spots and flash points in your family, you might also want to jot down a few taboo subjects, too, which again you hand to everyone. Blaming anyone for earlier disasters or failures is an obvious example, but you probably have your own particular sensitive subjects that must not be brought up. Everyone has to look at where you all are now, and where you want to go from here. Recriminations serve no purpose, no matter how justified they might be.
Lastly, be realistic about your expectations. This won't solve everything, but if everyone leaves the meeting feeling they have been made welcome and had their point of view listened to, it will make for more constructive relationships later on. It'll be a start.
Oh - and don't serve alcohol. Good luck!
Sadly, a lot of us have the same problems with out siblings.
If I ever get the chance to have one of those meetings, I will WRITE it all down while under calm circumstances. Normally I get intimidated and hate confrontation which makes me not say anything... so yes, write down exactly what you would like to make life easier on YOU. If life is easier on you it's more pleasant for your parent's. This should not be a one person show... your siblings should be helping. Be straight up with your needs.
Best of luck!
What DO you want? What are the circumstances that you are in right now? What were the circumstances that caused you to (admirably) step up and start caregiving? What has changed? In an ideal world, what would you like your siblings to do, or do you feel that you need their approval to make some changes?
I'm wondering if a little rehearsal here would help? :)
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/How-do-you-deal-with-over-dependency-175894.htm
many caregivers like me are stuck with no siblings near by, who could never come to such a meeting. which maybe is good, too.
But definitely hire that geriatric care manager, for a meeting with mom, a meeting with you, and then to prepare an Agenda--which is to be followed--for the meeting with sibs. Set a time limit to the whole meeting and don't allow any one person to eat more time than is possible. Then have the geriatric manager send a follow-up report to each of the sibs.
Also make sure there is on the Agenda, compensation for caregiving.