Our mother is in her late 80s and in solid health mentally and physically, financially stable and still drives regularly (short distances). A number of years ago she allowed one of our brothers – who is gainfully employed full-time -- to move in on a temp basis so he could sort out issues. She did not ask him to contribute to the house financially or otherwise, and they didn’t discuss or set a timeframe to move out. The arrangement went on and on and it became obvious several years ago that he had no plans to leave, and while our mother regularly maintains she wants him to get a place, she will not press him on moving out because he gets defensive, but we also think she is worried about where he will end up. There is likely a small part of her that appreciates the company, and at this point it is probably better that she is not alone at night. We are unclear how much she asks him to assist, we cannot get a straight answer out of her, we know he makes no monetary contributions, and it is typical to go there and notice quick projects haven’t been done or a larger job is needed and she is procrastinating or ignoring. We are of the impression she doesn’t ask him to do much in terms of chores or projects and he doesn’t take much initiative. This whole situation was never acceptable to the other siblings, sometimes his occupancy has meant family members couldn't stay over and visit, but as she ages and this arrangement continues, we are resigned to him living there and expect him to proactively take charge of small issues and notify siblings of more significant matters. We are not looking for him to be her caregiver or to quit his job, but we want to know he is keeping an eye on her, taking her to appointments or running errands (sched permitting) and handling simple home maintenance, so that she doesn’t always do these things herself (or not at all), alone, or rely on friends or other children, the latter of whom assist her very regularly in person and/or remotely. We want all siblings to be involved in our mother’s care and home maintenance and feel we have a very valid reason to ask our brother to step up and pull his weight given the accommodations he is being provided. To be clear, his local, FT job is essentially his only obligation, so added responsibilities at our mother’s house shouldn’t be an undue burden given he is at the house when not working and it makes no sense for others to handle some of these matters when he is there and available. We feel to some degree he is a bit oblivious to her needs and home maintenance, but on the other hand, our mother enables the behavior and rarely asks him to do anything. If communicated in the right manner, he would likely assist more than he does now, we just need to find the right balance between making him feel needed and letting him know he has no choice. How do we delicately broach the topic with both or either of them on these issues without her getting offended that she isn’t capable, or telling us not to upset him and him getting defensive relative to expectations?
I wouldn't bring up the monetary elephant in the room during the first meeting. That way he won't close up automatically. Maybe start with a "We don't want you to feel burdened as the only caregiver here. We want to know what you see, how we can help. " Let him lay out the tasks that he does and then you can be like "who takes mom to do this? Can we help with that?" Hopefully, he will see this as an eye-opening meeting and decide to step up or step out. It also will help you all maintain your boundaries with who's in charge of taking mom to the store, who's in charge of taking mom to doctor's appointments, who's in charge of maintaining the lawn, etc.
I get that. But each will choose for themselves what they can/will do.
"How do we delicately broach the topic with both or either of them".
Honesty is your best policy. Be polite but direct. Tip toeing around can be exhausting.
My family has 'hinters'. They drop hints & wait.. but don't clearly ask so it's hard to work out if it's an actual request or not. I suppose they are trying to be polite but it just causes confusion instead.
My Aunt on the other hand, says it like it is. Her kids are asked directly if they can or can't & they answer yes or no. We all need more of that!
Also, your mother is in charge of her own life. You have said your Mom is likely glad to have the company there. I would think his being there is a comfort to her at her age.
Please don't start a sibling war. Why not just get all siblings together ALONG WITH MOM and ask her, "What can we all do for you to make you feel more secure and safe, Mom?" We know you may need help with shopping, appointments, now and in future and we all want to be here for your support. And then go on about how "_________living with you now must be a comfort in terms of home safety. But what can we all do to divvy up some chores".
Help your brother and your Mom instead of causing problems about his free rent.
Again, your Mom's life; and while she CAN make choices, she should.
I am 78. Lo the child that comes to me and tells me who can live in my home, and under what circumstances. Or the child who tries to interfere in my decision making while I am capable of making decisions. We lose enough, and if we live long enough we lose EVERYTHING, including the memories that make us who we are.
Band together now in LOVE and cooperation, would be my advice to you all.
And by the way, "letting him know he has no choice?" Ummmmmm. He does. He has a choice, if you approach him as an adversary, to blow you off completely. It is not your home. It is not your decision. You don't make the rules. Sorry if I sound harsh, but as a nurse I often saw children make it so awful for their parents over these issues that the poor parent was left to weep to ME, a nurse who could do nothing to save them as siblings warred, sometimes literally over their very beds. It is dreadful for a fragile elder to witness this at the end of their lives. And it had a dreadful and lasting effect on how I feel when siblings clash. I am trying to prevent that for all of you. It will do awful harm to someone you love and are trying to protect.
Now, clearly I could be missing something. There was a sentence there about possible "fear" in your mother regarding asking your bro when he plans to move out. I don't know your brother; but I suggest you other siblings get to know him well; be there with groceries and casseroles and support so you can fully assess if there is any fear there.
Sure do wish you good luck.
We had a family 'conference' about 5 years about getting mother some 'in home' help--she had agreed to it (she lives with YB who still has 4 adult kids living at home--not a real healthy dynamic, to be honest)...
All us sibs met and tried to have a conversation with YB about mom's health (he is VERY protective--to an unhealthy degree) and what could we do to help. Her place is not clean or hygienic, she will not allow anyone to clean and she doesn't see well enough to get that she needs to let us or someone get in there and clean deeply and minimally get rid of the bird mess and the dog pee and--years of thick dust...on everything.
I did not see the BLOWUP coming that YB had. I mean, he went ballistic on me. Screamed and ended up crying--so our concerns that he was overwhelmed were supported...BUT, in the end, he agreed to ZERO outside help, even though mother wanted it.
Yes, he's mentally ill, but we realized we cannot help him. He put the kibosh on everything and so we (the other 4 sibs) backed down and let him know we'd do anything and to please stop trying to be a martyr about mother's care. None of the rest of us would have taken her in, he has done a good job but is burnt out.
He is SO ANGRY if one of us tries to 'help' mother. I do not know what sick dynamic pushes him to be so weird about her.
The other sibs and I quietly agreed to sit back and let him run the show, It was not worth the drama to 'help'.
YB doesn't know he stands to 'inherit' exactly the same amount as the other 4 of us--less than $10K a piece, which frankly, pretty much nothing.
"walking on eggshells" perfectly describes how we feel about him. He's definitely NOT doing for mom what she needs, but she complains and we remind her she has to work things through HIM, we are powerless.
Im 66 year old man. Spent my life fixing stuff, taking care of parents house, my house, friends houses, everybody’s cars, you name it. I’m not a hero just a typical blue collar guy who works his hands. All the men I know are pretty much like me so this really seems odd to me that dear brother seems to feel he lives in a motel.
I truly sympathize with your situation, just trying to understand.
Im guessing that you and your family are willing to put up with him because at least he’s a pair of eyes on the situation. Can you rely on him to let you know if mom needs help?
able bodied and sound mind parent who chooses to have her son live with her
it may not have been intended this way but it comes across a bit manipulative when folks use the fact that a parent is a senior to vent over their own personal sibling issues that have nothing to do with health or caregiving concerns
move in without a time limit or setting expectations of any kind. She wants him there or she would ask him to leave or ask for help on this issue. My brother lived with my mother until his late 50’s .. make no mistake, it’s a trap. When my brother finally moved, he went to live with his daughter. My mother then invited me to move in, I told her thanks but no thanks. It’s very easy to live free with little or no living expenses in exchange for providing company to a lonely senior. As a sibling of this situation, it is annoying as it appears your mother is being taken advantage of, yet she set up this living arrangement. Your brother has become complacent, enjoying having all his income without any cost of living. I wasted too much time & effort trying to get my brother to move out of my mother’s house for his sake & hers. My mother defended him saying he was taking care of her when in reality, she was taking care of him. Again, co-dependent relationship.
It also suits him. He gets to save his money for whatever reason, she may cook, clean, do laundry, even make his bed for him. He has companionship and a mom's love. He sounds like a teen. Not wanting to do small chores.
No empty apartment to go home to. No schlepping to the store to drag home groceries after being tired from work, then cooking something. Then spend a few hrs doing laundry. Then a boring eve alone. Or to go find a mate which can be hard. So its easier, and its working for them. It is keeping her young. Is it an enmeshed relationship. But its working for them. I knew a lady in her late 40s. Lived with her parents. Never married. Called home every day at 11 and chatted for a half hour about what their doing for dinner. Every day! They loved it.
I wouldn't be surprised if he expects the house if she has to move into assisted living. Or if carers come, he will have a say in what their doing or when they are there.
I bet you he wont step up more. He's a guy. A lot think thats women's work. Or will say I cant see to her personal needs. Were related. When the time comes, make him pony up $ if he won't help. Maybe as a family you can all have a meeting. Even face time/skype it. Ask him to do chores. Might work. Probably not because she will say later don't worry about it.
But from one who knows, the roof should be checked. When was the last time shingles were put on. The chimney checked. Furnace, hot water etc. Checked, maint kept up. That can go by the wayside if someone gets sick. Then house needs major repairs done to sell bc no one thought about it. Or roof starts leaking bc it hadn't been done in 30yrs. Something to consider by Poa/Exec. If that's him good luck.
My money is on he is expecting the house in exchange for company. He also might be expecting everything in it too. I've seen that situation too many times and the person never moved. Id ask both of them so you know. Nothing wrong with that if everyone is ok with it. Or medical bills/estate bills don't need to be paid. Just be prepared if she needs $ for her care. I think he is her new favorite and you won't get them apart. She will resent the rest of the family, and it might kill her if you all gang up and tell him to get out. Id hate to see her cry and get upset and mad at the rest of the family. Then her health deteriorate bc she has no purpose any more and thinks she's been abandoned. Have a meeting, get everyone on same page and have contingency plans for her later care. Good luck.
She's needed now. And I think your brother is crapping up the house so no one can visit on purpose. So if anyone does come over, have them come early and clean and throw his junk back in his room lol. If u keep doing that enuff times, he'll get the idea. But if everyone says I can't stay in the spare room, he's won.
And the short fuse is so you and everyone else backs off. Just let him slam doors and hollar. But if you do that just remain calm and act like you dont hear it. Again sounds like a sulky teen. Is he smoking pot? Seems like it. The attitude, no help, no independence. Maybe u should read up on how to deal with moody teens and use ideas on him lol. i think that would work.
Yes, so does the roof and shelter they provide. I would not be able to afford at this point living independently as my income is part-time. So I am available more to meet their needs. This isn't in general always a terrible/bad situation for the parties involved. IT also can be a win win. However the frustrations of living this way for me are there as well. My mother has dementia and my father is deaf. Communication is exhausting. My food is taken and often a source of stress. Notes are ignored. And then I wonder why I am tired....
You and your other siblings can start by declining to do something that she asks you to do and tell her that the brother living with her can do it and let him do it or it doesn't get done.
Onow legally she gives up her rights to one of her children to make choices for her, then you canet the brother know what is expected of him if he wants to continue living there.
For now, even tho he doesn't seem to contribute much, he's still there for some companionship and at night if something happens which is like having an overnight Caregiver which woul cost you $12-$20 an hour.
If you visit and see things that need attention, you might offer references for painters, plumbers, repair people. Then check in a few months to follow up to see if the repair has been done.
Your brother may continue living with your mother for free and getting the house in the end for his troubles which obviously feels "unfair" to you. Your mother could put the house in trust to all of her children, so all of you would eventually benefit from ts value. If your brother continued living there on his own, he would be responsible for routine maintenance, property taxes etc. Structural repairs should be shared by all the trustees.
since you stated she’s of sound mind - both physically and mentally solid how did you get the idea that it’s something for you to feel you need to manage?? I read somewhere in your post about this and it may be a sibling rivalry thing for you but apparently she likes having his company with her. This isn’t a caregiving related issue, from what you write it sounds like it has to do with interpersonal sibling issues you could sort out with a therapist
When she really does need it--i.e. incontinence, falls, ER trips, whatever, he'll elect to move out if he can't handle it. And if he does, it's not necessarily bonus points with Mom.
If there's no POA, I'd say let them handle it--because if they can't I'm very sure you'll hear from them.
Historically, is he a handyman type? Did he ever do repair things? If not, he doesn't know how now. When you see something that needs repair, hire a handyman to do it if you think it's over his head. Keep communication with him open so that if mom needs more care later on, decisions can be made. Help can be hired to tend to her personal needs, while he is there to keep her from being alone.
You simply tell both of them: If you need something over here, let me know and we'll figure it out.
He was lazy because mom waited on him hand and foot.
What incentive did he have to be motivated to do anything?
He worked too but blew threw his money like water.
I felt it was her business but I soon tired of her boo hooing about his behavior.
She allowed him to move in. I didn’t have any super powers to change him. It was her problem.
Trust me my family reads like a soap opera! I can’t decide if I would rather write a script for a soap or do stand up comedy!
Does your mom stir the pot between siblings? Does she tell embellished stories to others for sympathy?
My mom did both and then was foolish enough to wonder why there was friction among the siblings.
I never corrected her embellishments to others. I figured they were her lies and she could correct them if she saw fit. I was fine with knowing the truth myself.
Some people are fortunate enough to have loving relationships with normal ups and downs.
Others have complicated situations that are difficult to bear. The people who have walked in your shoes will relate and empathize with you.
I hope things will work out as best they can for all members of your family.
How many siblings are there total? There is a disabled sibling that you will become the guardian to when your mother either isn't capable or dies.
Here's what I predict is going to happen. And, since your mother is in her late 80s, it can happen at any time and things can progress very quickly.
1. You are going to be increasingly called upon to do things for your mother that your brother can't/won't do (particularly of a personal nature). Just how close by are you? Where are the other siblings? If no one else is as close as you are, you will be the one doing all of the work.
2. Since the house appears to be the thing to leave for an inheritance, chances are you are correct that Mama intends to leave it to your brother. And so her moving into a facility at some point will be fought long and hard. Mama won't want to move into a facility, for the usual reasons plus because that will put your brother out of his home. It sounds from her financial situation that she could be Medicaid eligible. But I am curious as to how much SS she is able to squirrel away, since you mentioned there was a large amount in the hedge fund that was lost. Where is the excess SS money now? How much is in that account or account? Has she loaned or outright gifted your brother money? Because that could cause problems for Medicaid eligibility down the line.
I definitely think a family meeting is in order. Perhaps all of the siblings are going to be satisfied with what I suspect is what is actually going to happen, not that they have actually figured it out yet -- as Mama needs more and more help, YOU are going to be the one who either does it or facilitates it. Your brother will do no more than the little he does now.
So...are you willing to accept this? If not, then time to get moving to change the course of what I suspect is going to be your future.
(Or are you and your siblings all financially comfortable and can hire any and all help for your mother, including possibly at some point 24/7 around the clock care, or a very nice private-pay facility? That way, your brother can continue to live in the house and eventually inherit it.)