My elderly father refuses outside help. After a recent fall, refused xrays because he "feels good for his age". Refuses shower assistance and goes several weeks with no bathing, insists he bathes every other day. Has fallen numerous times, insists each time was just an isolated incident. Insists he can fix his own meals but has only tried twice in 2 years and burned himself both times. Insists he doesn't need outdoor/lawn help even though his kids have been killing themselves keeping up with it for 5+ years. It feels like twilight zone. Is there a helpful approach to get around some of this??
Second you probably should contact APS as well as his family doctor.
As long as he has family, friends doing everything, the chances of getting is not going to happen. Independence is one thing the elderly seem to need as once that is gone, they feel their life is over. Kind of like when your car keys were taken away for your Friday night outing when you were a teen.
I know as I age I see things that I can no longer do and become scared of how I will cope with when I need significantly more help.
It comes down to a delicate balance of providing help and hiring help to maintain our own mental and physical health.
Does anyone have a POA on your dad?
Would he be able to afford someone else to cut the grass?
Can he write check or does someone else have the ability to do it for him?
Best wishes.
It is very hard to accept you need help, and even more so when you are older.
Assuming you are (very sensibly) no longer prepared to kill yourselves to keep up pretences, what are the options?
Who is doing all the work for him for his daily needs: food, probably house cleaning (if he isn't bathing or cooking, he isn't cleaning either), laundry? Does he call when he falls or do you just see bruises. Or is he calling a neighbor. If calling others, you can tell him that the children are going to get in trouble for leaving dad in an unsafe situation, alone.
Get a large calendar and mark down every fall. Ask him when was the last time he fixed his own meal - what was it? Someone is probably doing laundry, so ask him why there are no towels to wash if he bathes every other day. Mark known baths on the calendar. Start small - we can get you a bath chair so you don't slip down. We can get a lady to come in and pick up/do laundry twice a week - you might even tell him she is a friend of yours who is looking for work.
If you are too available, he's never going to see a need for help because he already has all the help he needs.
It's understandable why you would be sad and why your daughter would be too. But, you're the type of elder everyone dreams of and wishes they were a caregiver for. The elder who is reasonable. The kind who doesn't make their adult kids lives a living hell because they're in denial about still being totally independent. I'm also guessing that you're not a senior for who complaining is a form of entertainment. I'm sure you don't instigate trouble either because you want someone to fight with. An elder like you is a blessing.
You could get him to buy frozen Microwaveable Healthy meals and other food that is easy to fix and easy to eat like yogurt, apple sauce, Instant oatmeal, breakfast bars, ect.
Hire a Caregiver or Maid to come once a week.
Put a handle to help him from falling in the Shower.
PUT a shower seat in the shower.
He coukd be doing bed baths or just washing up with a face cloth.
As far as yard work goes just let him know the kids don't want to do it any more and hire a weekly or by weekly service and tell him to pay for it and if he can't afford it his kids can go in together and pay for the yard work.
When it comes to falls and the unwillingness to be examined, this might be tricker and absolutely depends on your father and timing but might the approach of saying the thing that would prove to you he can still make those judgments would be the willingness to get checked out. It doesn’t cost anything and it may prevent bigger issues later on why wouldn’t any rational, responsible person take care of themselves? Does he have a Primary Care doctor he sees and trusts? That might be the route to take instead, you know him best. Pride or fear, to some degree your approach depends on the main driver for his resistance. The other thing to consider is his hearing, if he is that hard if hearing he probably resists medical intervention in new surroundings with people he doesn’t know. My mom is very hard of hearing and has aphasia, she simply can’t follow or trust that she is hearing practitioners and going for tests she isn’t used too…well she misses the reassurance and explanation of what to do…so either my brother or I go to every appointment with her and into testing rooms unless she expresses that she is comfortable enough without us in there and basically interpret. When she doesn’t catch something she turns to us, we make it clear to anyone walking in the room that she is hard of hearing speak loudly, slowly and directly to her. This also gives us the ability to bring up things she may not like in your case “Dad has had several falls in the last few months, nothing major yet but I’m concerned about that”.
Work your way in while building his trust (don’t throw him under the bus unless you really need to and then do it side hand if possible” lighten everything by finding the humor in everything to break the ice, it makes the moment less threatening to him and the way you react can really affect the way he reacts. Good luck
https://youtu.be/mkRvK26bkTQ
K. Allen
REMEMBERING WHAT I FORGOT
"I know you can do this, but I'd like to help with...." for tasks,
"I know you can bathe yourself, but it has been a hot day, or worked a lot, or... so let's get another bath/shower now."
"I know that you're spry for your age, but let's get that checked out just in case."
Most of this is probably pride. We want to preserve his dignity and independence as much as possible. However, if he feels he is doing "us" a favor it may seem less like weakness or disability on his part.
Another problem could be that he just doesn't see that he has any problems. He truly doesn't think that any of the things you mentioned are real. It might be helpful to have him evaluated by his doctor or get a referral to a neurologist for a thorough evaluation and treatment of cognitive issues.
My diagnosed narcissist mother, on oxygen in a wheelchair, told everyone she gardens, and a bunch of other malarkey. She’s never had a garden in her entire existence.
Once she needed (2) aides and her long term care wouldn’t pay for (2), she unwillingly went into a very nice assisted living.
She hated my guts but her attorney and the probate judge, sided with me on the decision.
Her lawyer made her sign a letter saying she would stop fighting it.
Call SS and ask for a welfare check, since your circumstances are different.
You aren’t alone with this madness.
Save yourself at this point.
Yet in the latest post you write that " Insists he doesn't need outdoor/lawn help even though his kids have been killing themselves keeping up with it for 5+ years."
So I'm confused. Are your siblings helping with outdoor/lawn help or not? Regardless, you are the live-in caregiver (slave), so you do the most.
If you in a "very dark place," then you need help. NOW. Are you willing to take the necessary steps to get yourself out of that very dark place? Are you ready to move out on your own and separate yourself from your father? Why do your siblings refuse outside help? How many siblings are there?
The "helpful approach" you are trying to get from this group may be more than you expect...but it is what you NEED.
My mom suffers from it as well.
When something needs to be done I just do it.
I would talk with his doctor and ask the doctor to inform him if he does not straighten up he is going into a seniors home. Worked for me.
You can also leave dad where he is, continue to prop him up but the next time he falls take him to the hospital and let the Drs. know his true situation.
Does anyone have DPOA over dad. If so, that person can hire and pay from dad's money for lawn care and in-home care taking over several of the duties dad needs.
Dad can refuse to move to an appropriate facility unless he is deemed to be living in unsafe conditions - why calling APS or delivering him to ER after an accident/fall that leaves him injured.
Know that dad won't thank any of you for doing this, but what should be in the families' mind is dad's safety. Your family should meet and make plans on what is next. Look into facilities that best meet his needs and pare down the list to a couple and keep them in your back pocket when the time comes to move him.
Wish you and your entire family the best.
My dad had the same perception as yours.
I would just hire help, get a housekeeper, he pays his fair share, hire a personal chef to do prepared meals, he pays his fair share, hire a lawn service, again he pays his share. Be decidedly immobile with your resolve that you need this help, period end of discussion,. Ya know dad, not everything is about you!
My dad was less rebellious when he believed that I was the one that couldn't cope. I learned that he was going to believe whatever about his own abilities, so I quit bringing that subject up.
Maybe have a date night that you both dress up for once a week. Showers, shiny shoes (rubber soles) shave, the whole shebang.
My dad always said it was his 1st fall, every single time. I learned to keep sharp objects out of his way and how to determine if he was hurt or just shook up. Saved many ER visits.
Learning to pick our battles is a challenge and letting go even a bigger challenge but, it saved my sanity.
Can you do that?
His needs are only going to increase. He needs to pay for in-home services like housekeeping, grocery shopping/meal prep, and lawn care.
There's also probably a touch of dementia in the works.
All you can do is WAIT until something happens that will require a visit to the hospital. THEN you can honestly say that he is not safe to return home unless he has help and a plan in place. the hospital will not discharge him if it is no t safe.
The other thing you and the rest of the family has to do is stop propping him up. He is able to stay at home because y'all are doing what needs to be done in order for him to remain. Why would he accept help when y'all are doing the work he would have to pay someone to do?
Why cook a meal when meals are brought to him by a family member. Or why have someone come in a cook and clean and do laundry when you are all doing that.
Is there a family member that has POA for Health? for Finances?
Stop killing yourselves. It will be difficult to do and the house and yard will look terrible. It may even take a call to APS and report him as a vulnerable senior. That might shake him to the point where he will have to accept help.
That is IF he does not have dementia. With dementia you can not reason with him and someone will have to step up and assume responsibility (if no one has POA) A Guardian will have to be appointed.
Sorry I was not more clear.
His lack of reality testing does not obligate you to kill yourself keeping up his charade of independence.
Other than that, there's no "getting around" this. You need to call APS or get POA.