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After 5 years of her rages, threats and oppression at 54 years of age I am finally evicting my mother. She won't leave on her own. This morning, she flew into one of her rages and threatened me. Threats are commonplace. I walk on eggshells in my very own home. She dared me to call the police and I did. They came to my home along with EMS and she voluntarily went to the hospital for examination. The police noted how remarkably calm she was. Well of course, she knows how to turn it off and on..... she has NPD! The police said you will have to pick her up from the hospital, like in any century my mother would be rational enough for that to happen. She arrived home (who knows how) walked in and promptly threatened me...... again. I told her; you realize you have to move, right?!? She said, I will have to push her out and that will take a while because she talked to the police. She pays a few small bills (her choice) and she told me she was putting them in my name on Monday. I know there is a moratorium in evictions because of this stupid pandemic. Technically, because I feel unsafe. I would think I could apply for an EPRO. I am trying to evict her in the least aggressive manner. She doesn't have 2 nickels to rub together and wastes what little money she does have. She was a Jehovah Witness for decades and they tell everyone not to get an education or save for your retirement because the end of the world is coming. She used to gloat how she was going to be saved and everyone else including me was going to be destroyed. Typical of NPD behaviour she is going to engage in a smear campaign against me. I have a high profile career, so she can do a lot of damage. I am walking on eggshells and terrified of the next 30, 60 and 90 days. She always says to me....that she wants her revenge, she wants her pound of flesh. I have a dog and worry about his safety. I am going to an attorney on Monday and find out what I can do, to move forward. Why would anyone think they can stay in your house for free and abuse you?? Why would they want to live like that themselves with all the tension and hostility??

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Good. Do not let them return her to your home if her testing shows she is impaired. Hence they will not be able to just discharge her on her own devices and they will have to find placement for her. Do not agree to take her home. If they release her and she COMES home you will need that lawyer. But tell them you will not accept her back into your home, that you are not physically nor mentally able to cope with her and that you fear for your safety. Wishing you luck. Hoping you will update us.
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In most states, the moratorium on eviction is ONLY for non-payment of rent.

See the attorney tomorrow and follow her/his advice.
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Ugh, what a stressful situation. A friend of mine grew up abused by the leader of the same JW "church" that Prince attended. Makes me sick when I think of what that congregation put her through. She left the church (ran away from home where he was sexually abusing her at 14 by the leader of that cult), then when her own 16-yr son tragically died in a freak accident, no one from her family who was still a JW went to the funeral or supported her in any way. Later when my friend's JW mother died, the JW leaders and cult members wouldn't let my friend attend her own mother's funeral at their "church". A very very very sick (and unbiblical) cult. Sorry...had to vent that out...

Just want to confirm that you know that eviction is an actual legal process? The actual process may differ from state to state. In my state you need to fill out a form and pay a fee, then post the eviction notice on the person's residence for 30 days. After that time period I believe she can be forcibly removed, but be aware that the police may be hesitant to get physical with an elderly woman. Also, it may make it easier to get her out if she has a place to land, so maybe find out if there's a woman's shelter they can take her to or help her apply for section 8 housing. Otherwise she may just decide to hang out in front of your house. Wondering if you can file for a restraining order? Recommend motion-detection flood lights and security cameras so you can have proof of her antics, if she goes there. I wish you all the best and healing from the abuse.
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haileybug Nov 2020
Geaton

I read you response and I would like for you to know "a cult is not a church,"
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As far as the eviction moratorium, there are exceptions to it. The moratoriums really protect those who cannot pay their rent. If you have a local or state moratorium, read it carefully because you probably can evict your mother in this situation. If it comes down to it, there is what some consider to be a “dirty” way to get her out right now. The trick? Get a restraining order against her. That will keep her from coming back to the house. If she does the police can and will remove her. Good luck!
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You should call the police EVERY SINGLE TIME, that she threatens you.

If you think that she will interfere with your career you should be proactive and speak with your human resources personnel and your boss. Find out how to stop her from making good on her threats. Damage control is easier before the situation takes place.

I am so sorry that she condemned you to perish based on religion. It is not biblical and we should never use the word of God to take people down, only to lift them up, lest we fall ourselves.

Good luck with the attorney and getting her out right away. A protective order is a good idea.

Can someone keep your dog until she is gone? I would not be stopped if someone intentionally hurt my dog. They would not be able to do it again, so I would do everything in my power to circumvent the situation.

You have gone above and beyond with helping her, it is time to stop accepting her abuse and move on with your life. No excuse for abuse, ever!
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I think in order to protect yourself you need to install cameras in the public areas of your home. You will then have evidence of her behaviour and proof that if she is hospitalized again that it is an unsafe discharge for you.

Also contact an attorney to discuss eviction procedures. You will want to have all your i’s dotted and t’s crossed.
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I am all for the cameras. If she does physically threaten u again call the police and tell them she is not to return to your home because you are afraid for your and your dogs lives. Call the hospital and tell them you refuse to let her come back to your house. That the State will need to step in. Again saying that you are afraid for your life. If she still finds away back, don't let her in, call the police and say she is a threat.

I am 71 I am capable of caring for myself. Unless Mom has physical challenges, she can take care of herself. If you can evict her, then I would get APS involved and have them find a place for Mom. Let the State take over her care. Tell them you wash your hands of her because she is a threat. Always, she is a threat. Because it takes you so long to commute, I would consider moving closer to work. Do not give the post office a forwarding address. The only people who need to know where u live are the Utility people and you can always go online or call to get your balance owing from the old address. I would actually get a POBox. Then you can't be traced. Post offices are not allowed to give out addresses. Disappear. You owe her or your brother nothing. 54 is not too old to find love. Change your phone number.
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abusedbymom Nov 2020
Thank you so much for your supportive words!!! It actually made me cry. User: Haileybug has sent multiple messages condemning me, which is so very hurtful. When I have done everything for my mother all the other members of my family. When no one else was there for them. It's taken a huge toll on my health and my own mental state of being. I could lose everything because of the mental torture. I literally fantasize about faking my own death and just disappearing! She never took care of me growing up, so why do I feel so obligated?
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If you evict her, Will she be homeless?
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2020
When she is being abusive that doesn't really matter. She can do what it takes to not be homeless. Every town has services for indigent people.

Sorry, her behavior is atrocious and she has created the consequences by intentionally being destructive to the one person that has helped.
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And keep calling police..when she goes to hospital, change your locks and refuse to have her return. Then stick to it
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No, the daughter doesn't deserve abuse.

However, isn't NPD considered a mental illness?

It's cold outside and I would hate to throw someone in the streets who may not be able to help themselves.

There are so many homeless people here that have a mental illness and they are not receiving any help. They don't even have the ability to go through the channels to get the help they need.

It's so sad.

If it were me, in my humble opinion, I would guide her the steps and then let her be.
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JoAnn29 Nov 2020
No, it's a personality disorder.
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Can you get a protective order? That she has to stay away due to threats to you? Not sure how that works these days.. but worth looking into
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A personality disorder is a mental illness.
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2020
We live in a day and age that there is not excuse not to seek treatment for your mental illness. If someone chooses to live in the chaos without seeking to help themselves it does not mean that their family has to tolerate the abuse. So really it doesn't matter what is wrong with her, she enjoys tormenting her child, that has gone above and beyond to help. Time to change the situation before her bad choices take out 2 lives instead of one.
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Oh boy, what a nightmare! Do you have grounds for a restraining order? They are not easy to acquire. You need proof.

My youngest daughter was dating a young man while in college that had issues. Of course, he was charming at first until his true colors surfaced.

She did eventually have to get a restraining order on him. He did hurt her little dog and caused the dog to lose his eyesight in one eye. Fortunately, one of my daughter’s neighbors was a policeman who kept an extra eye on her apartment because she was afraid that he would try and break into her apartment.

My daughter was heartbroken about her dog. She was afraid for herself and her friends. She got a great attorney and they had enough proof to get a restraining order.

I can tell you the animal abuse, him trying to choke her, stalking her and her friends, attacking new guys that she dated, destroying her property, he attempted suicide and threatening to kill her was concrete proof in her case.

He left her a note at her work saying that if she did not reconcile with him that he would kill himself. My daughter immediately called his father. His father is a policeman and tracked him through his cell phone. When police arrived on the scene he wanted them to kill him. They tazed him and brought him to a mental hospital where he was evaluated.

You’ve got reasons to be concerned. Be careful. Collect data. Keep in contact with your attorney. Watch your back. People who are mentally ill carry out their threats.

I am so sorry that you are in this horrible situation. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Best wishes to you. You are doing the right thing by separating yourself from her.
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Dear Abused by Mom;

My daughter has a friend who had a mom with NPD. Charming, flamboyant, abusive... Forged daughter's signature on a lease costing daughter much money in legal and rental fees.

Woman finally got evicted from her apartment for non-payment of rent. Daughter worked long distance with social services to get mom into a nice AL that accepted Medicaid vouchers. Mom left to try to get to a hospital in another borough where she was sure they could "cure" her. Ended up dying in a homeless shelter.

There are some people you can't help.
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AlvaDeer Nov 2020
This is so true. Not everything can be fixed. And some things cannot be lived with. We all have individual limitations, and have to decide for ourselves what they are. My brother spent the last 10 years of his 85 entangled with someone actually diagnosed with this, and add "Histrionic PD" and alcoholism. It honestly made a nervous wreck of my bro as he became the "co" of this person. He did move away from living with him, but could never bring himself to abandon his ex partner as he descended into alcoholic encephalopathy, which he remains in to this day, getting his hands on any listerine or hand sanitizer he can find in his memory care. It is amazing the destructive power one person can have to those in their sphere. And sadly it is a living hell to themselves as well.
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OK. So your mom abused you and you did not like that? Right?

So, don't you do to your mom what she did to you. OK?

I'm sorry for what you are going through. I really am.

Let me say this. A lot of things in life or not by choice. Your mother did not choose to have NPD. Somewhere along life pathways have affected your mother. So, this is where she is at in life now. It's sad.

Please don't beat her down because of it. Besides, evil for evil is always wrong.

No, I am not making excuses for her but it is what it is.

I would say, your mom needs help. Don't evict her whereas she will be homeless and helpless. Get her the help she needs first.

At least "You will know you did the best you could do for her."
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abusedbymom Nov 2020
I will send her to you, you sounds just like the compassionate person she needs
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abusedbymom

Yes, I am pretty good with loving and caring for all types of people. It doesn't matter to me.

It doesn't matter to me how they are, I love them anyway.

Besides, for some reason, they are always good with me.
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SnoopyLove Nov 2020
I find your comment offensive and extremely unkind. Are you implying that the OP is somehow deserving of the abuse she has experienced? This is a forum to support caregivers and discuss options and problems. Not to insult and argue.
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Good luck to you, OP. You got this. You are strong, caring and compassionate. You are NOT a human punching bag and you don’t have to take anyone’s abuse PERIOD! You do not owe your mother anything. Your safety and your metal health are what is important here. Take care of yourself! If the eviction process takes too long, a protective order will get her out now IF you qualify for one. Good luck to you, we are all here to support you!
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Why was it mandated that you have to pick her up from the hospital? Are you her conservator? No one should allow an abusive person to live with them even if they're paying. Throw her out. From what you're saying, she more than deserves it.
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Thinking about you. How are you doing? I posted earlier but I just want to reiterate that no one ever deserves any type of abuse.

It doesn’t matter one iota if the person abusing you has a mental illness. You are not called to be her doormat.

Lady, you are one step ahead of this game because you absolutely know that you don’t deserve abuse. Good for you!

Thanks for setting a healthy example of not being a martyr or masochist. Let us know when this nightmare is behind you and we will celebrate your independence from the h*ll you have been in.

Best wishes to you and your future.
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abusedbymom Nov 2020
Hi and thank you so much for the kind words. I feel responsible for this situation. I truly want her to be happy or as happy as she can be. She created a very co-dependent relationship, and it has triggered my depression. All my life I just wanted a healthy mother who loved me, I have to mourn the sad reality and the loss. She is the last of immediate family members. Everyone else has passed. I feel very, very alone. So incredibly grateful for the loving people here at this site. She has been packing, so she must have some sort of plan.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2020
Thanks, Alva.
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SnoopyLove

What have I stated in my comment that you find offensive and very unkind? Is it possible because I stated I love everyone regardless of how they are?

You asked if I am implying that the OP is deserving of the abuse she has experienced. NO, Absolutely not. How do you imagine to come with such a theory? If you will read my earlier post, it simply states, "No, the daughter does not deserve any abuse."

Yes, I am on this forum to support caregivers just like anyone else. Just because my response may not be the same as someone else, does not mean I am insulting.

You have not read anywhere in any of my responses that I have indicated to the OP that she should just accept the abuse.

Keep in mind, if OP is caring for her mother, then her mother obviously is dependent upon someone for help. I don't look at things one sided.

So some suggested "just evict her." I am not arguing but simply suggesting, "please don't just evict her to the streets."
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Haileybug, no-one would find you ‘offensive and unkind’ because you ‘love everyone regardless of how they are’. They would just wonder if your “love” has any real meaning outside your head, and how you act it out. Your statement that you “would guide her the steps and then let her be” seems meaningless. This difficult woman is capable of making her own steps to find alternative accommodation. She rejects any ‘guidance’ (like please don’t abuse me). She may have a mental illness, but she is able to mask it deliberately any time she wants to. She has enough self control to do what she wants to do. Are you seriously suggesting that OP has NOT suggested how she can find somewhere else to live? In five years? The problem is that she won't go!

You seem to think that you could manage this difficult situation better than OP. Please explain what you would actually DO. Otherwise it seems like unrealistic criticism, which is not what is needed.
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rovana Nov 2020
Frankly I think this situation is dangerous to OP. I'd take steps to protect myself. And the only way to get mom help is to evict her - otherwise she will not change.
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"She is the last of immediate family members. Everyone else has passed. I feel very, very alone. "

That is so sad, the loneliness. I'm glad you at least have a dog. It's a comfort having a loyal loving creature who always will be by your side.
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You need to asap see a lawyer and work closely with her/him to dot all "i's" and cross all "t's" so that the eviction can go smoothly. Frankly this woman is mental and vicious. I'd board the dog with a friend and remove everything that has value to you from your house. And for sure remove any and all weapons. A nuisance, but better safe than sorry.
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Best wishes to you whatever you decide on. Hoping your days ahead will be filled with peace and joy. You deserve it!
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My heart just breaks for you. My mother was Dx with NPD and I have lived with her abuse for 4.5 yrs. I think NPD people like chaos and destruction. In some weird way it makes them feel in control and perhaps human. I really don't see how, but to them it makes sense. Remember they don't see the world the way we do. People are nothing to them just "something" to use and abuse. NPD people "can not" be helped because they believe that they are smarter than everybody else...oh by the way, they also believe they are special.

On another note, good for you for taking a stand. I myself is abandoning ship. I am giving myself 8 months to move out...if I had the money I would have left 2 weeks ago. I will not be carrying for my mother anymore. I don't know what will happen to her, but I made a promise to myself right after I moved in "I will care for my mother until I can no longer do it. If my physical, mental, or emotional health becomes endanger than I "must & will" put myself first." That time has come!

We all have our breaking points and it looks like you found yours & I found mine.

Good luck to you and I am sending you many hugs.
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abusedbymom Nov 2020
Hugs to you!! She's lived with me 5 years, so it's interesting that we both really came to our breaking points around the same time. I can't deal with conflict, if someone is having a bad day and needs their space fine. But not constantly being upset about every single thing. I have to accept that this is the final end of our relationship. I hope you find a safe place mentally and physically for yourself soon, I know it's a difficult situation.
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