My mother is in a private care home. She was diagnosed with dementia (Alzheimer's). I placed her in the home 9 months ago with my Father, who also had dementia. My father died in August. (One week prior to that my MIL died), 3 of my mother's sisters died after that, one in September, October & December. In January, my oldest grandson died of a heroin overdose. I have been caring for them since 2011. At that time my father was very sick. We moved them here from out of state into our rental. (We live on the same property). I have four siblings who all live out of state. Two of them would come twice a year for a few days so that we could go somewhere. One brother moved in with them for a while. He made an agreement with my Dad to do the coming and chores around the house for room & board and a small weekly compensation. That was for about 8 months before we put them in the home, and it ended badly. 😥 My mother is slowly losing her memory and having other issues as well. She's gracious when I visit, had stopped giving me a bad time. But she's not happy. Missing my Dad (61 years of marriage). Cries out for me at night when she wants something (to pull up the covers, etc). The care home is wonderful. I got the flu, then bronchitis, then the flu and pneumonia & now bronchitis again. I've had to stay away from the care home. My Mom's depression has increased since I've been unable to visit. Even though I call regularly. For the past two weeks I have taken a break. I have called less and haven't visited. I'm just so weary of it all. I'm still trying to process my father's death, let alone the rest. 😢 I called yesterday and ended up talking to the nurse who let me know that she's not eating (except for sweets). They try to encourage activities and she won't participate. Walks around, just very sad. Incontinent now. When I talked to Mom, she just wanted to talk about Dad. Poor thing, she's in excruciating emotional pain. I usually an able to redirect the conversation and make her laugh. She wouldn't let go, kept talking about it. I told I'd come today and take her out to lunch. She still wasn't happy, but was glad I am coming. The problem is, with all the deaths, and the emotional turmoil that surrounded my brother's departure, putting them into the home and now her grief, I just want to have a life. There have been many problems with my husband... He's done. I'm exhausted. I don't want to go and be there for her anymore. Feel like I need to go somewhere and lick my wounds. I need to heal! Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom. Dearly. I know that many of you have been in similar circumstances. How can I cope when I don't have the mental and emotional resources to do so? How can I be there for her when being there sends me into a tailspin emotionally?
I think I would discuss your mom's condition with her doctor. She could have depression on top of the dementia. That can affect her mood and make her more sad, tired or withdrawn. I'd explore about medication to help her feel better.
And if you are also feeling really sad, I'd discuss that with my own doctor to get some options. It's tough to deal with a LO who has dementia. Sadly, this condition sometimes means that they are not happy.
I mean, just read back over your short version. God knows it's plenty for any one person; and seven years you've been carrying all this.
It must be just awful to think that your absence is having a detrimental effect on your mother. But then again: if you were dead you couldn't visit her, either. Sometimes it just isn't possible to give someone all the things you would like to give her; and it sounds as if you're so close to breaking that you just don't have any more to offer.
Or not at the moment, at least. Suppose you took not just a couple of weeks, but a real sabbatical? Do you think if you knew you had definite breathing space ahead you might get a kind of caregiver's second wind?
In any case, how long has your mother been a resident at her care home? Could you ask them to give her the same level of pastoral support they'd offer a childless resident, and propose a review in - whatever you think - a month, three months?
There is the risk that your mother might lose touch with who you are and not be able to recognise you. But - it doesn't make any difference. I think you are in the classic oxygen mask situation; and I think perhaps the best recourse would be to ask the home, or if they won't help look for external charities in your area who might offer befriending or enrichment. Churches are often a good place to start.
Do not feel guilty for needing help. Do not feel guilty for not being able to do something that is simply beyond you. And, yes, you do need to heal. Feel better, hugs.
I can imagine that you can use some grief counseling too. My goodness, what an extremely difficult period of loss and stress! You need some time to heal emotionally as well as physically. Do the best you can to arrange for mother to get support in other ways, then take significant time off. Get therapy for yourself -- at least that seems appropriate to me.
You deserve time and space to heal, because you are a very special and worthy individual. You need to go this for yourself. You can also be a better support for the parents of your deceased grandson and your mother and others you love if you are healthy yourself. You deserve to heal for your own sake, and others will benefit from it, too. Be good to you.
The care home has been calling because of the behavioral issues my mother is having. This morning they let me know that she's got a UTI. In the past that has caused severe behavioral issues. Hoping that there is some relief for her with the antibiotics. The doctor has also decided to increase the dosage of antidepressant that she is taking. So hopefully these things will help her.
I had already decided to cut down my visits to once a week. We have a trip planned for the end of April. 10 days. A family wedding (not my family, my in laws). Won't have time alone. But at least it's getting away for a little bit.
And, I am feeling a bit better physically. But still resting for now. I need to get back into my exercise routine, so many things have been set aside.
Thanks again for all of your loving advice and help! It's a good thing to be able to vent. I really appreciate it. And, doing a little better!
Matthew 11:28
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest."
May God lay his loving hands on you right now and ease your load.
As for the rest, hopefully the UTI treatment and increase of the antidepressant helps, but if it doesn't - remember that YOU cannot fix these things! You can only be there to support mom and give her love (without compromising YOUR health!)
Just like training a dog with anxiety, each time you visit, step out of the room for periods of time and make the time longer each time so your Mom and this person are able to converse.
One of my best friends in high school was a director for an agency through Medicare that did this.
Everybody needs a break. When your children were growing up...it was called babysitter.
People fall into the animal family. Animals become depressed...look at what happens when elephants lose their mate or a baby loses It's Mother. Elephants are amazing when it comes to helping each other. Other females will nurse an orphan and not even think twice. Elephants actually CRY when they have a death in their herd!
I live out of State. My Mom and step-father have dementia. My sister had all the social service people convinced she was their caregiver. She moved out of their house where she has lived 10+ yrs without telling anyone. I AM A PHONE CALL AWAY! She refused my help for the last 2 years, now she has washed her hands of everything and it has all been dropped in my lap. The same thing with our step-sister. We're both here to the up loose ends that have raveled to the point I've been having extreme heart palpitations. I will prevail and do everything to keep my parents in Mom's home AND I will use everything at my disposal to get it done. That doesn't mean I'm going to let her or my other siblings off, they will have to helpn1 way or another.
Me and my step-sister are working TOGETHER to get this done for my Mom and her Fathet; THAT'S ALL MY SISTER NEEDED TO DO...ALLOW ME TO HELP.
My step-sister is equipt financially more than me. I have banking background to take care that things are paid i.e. the bills, Dr appointments etc. My sister just needed to admit she couldn't do the job and ask. She actually cut me out regarding everything, now she's decided I should have been doing things from the start.
Go figure.
Finally, I decided to make a plan and limited myself to 2 visits per week unless there is an emergency. I plan them into my schedule and force myself to go. I feel better after I go because I got to see him and better because I don't have to go again for at least 3 more days.
Perhaps during the time with Mom, you can grieve together. Take some photos or discuss some memories. Make this part of your schedule.
Also, check her med list. Perhaps she needs anti-depressant medication (and maybe you do too)? Our doc said that Alzheimer's causes shrinking of the brain and antidepressants help the neuron communication significantly in Alzheimer's patients.
As far as antidepressants for yourself, seriously think about it. Before I took them, I was concerned that they would make me feel 'altered.' But the opposite is true. Now I just feel like myself. I was 'altered' when I was depressed. I may not take them forever, but for now, they are Godsent.
I have not only welcomed help, I have begged for it. The only way it will happen it's if it is convenient for them. If I'm having a crisis, it's too bad. The reasons given are that they can't stand to see her this way. (As if I can). Ironically, most of them are morally supportive, but don't want to help otherwise. The only one who isn't supportive it's the one who, in 6 years, never came.
My sister shares the POA, that's the way I wanted it. When I am in a situation where a decision is being made they are always informed. I don't leave themout. If one of them were to step up and help, I'd want to be in the loop, so I can understand your being upset at the way your sister dealt with the care of your family members.
There are others who visit my mother(grief counselors, chaplain, etc). And the caregivers are wonderful with her. Today I called and they were painting her nails her favorite color pink! She was so happy!
Take care, I wish you well!
Also, she was already on an antidepressant, they have increased it. Hoping that will help too. For now, she's on ann even keel... just don't know how long it will last... usually doesn't last long. She and I do talk about her grief. Sometimes it goes well, sometimes it doesn't. Pictures never fail to upset her. 😢
As for me, I'm on the mend, physically. I've been on and off antidepressants most of my adult life. I tend to resist because of the side effects. But if I don't get better, I will see my doctor about it. I do take an anti-anxiety med every night. That helps.
Thank you for your loving concern! Hoping that you can cope with your situation as well. Hang in there!