Hi everyone.
I'm wondering if there's any other carers out there like me who struggle to enjoy their vacation time.
I've organised care for my father while I'm away, so I'm not concerned about him.
But when I go on vacation I feel so wound up from all the demands that come from being a carer and knowing that when I go home this is what I'm facing all over again.
The holiday is good for the first few days and then as it draws to a close I start to feel dread because I don't want to go home to my responsibilities and difficult life.
Anyone have some tips on how to manage this?
Thanks
i might be in a bit of a similar situation: not your last sentence. but this sentence:
“Guilty if I take a break. Exhausted if I don’t.”
i don’t feel guilty, but i worry.
i’m on a break right now. i worry, still help. i think i’ll need to take a total break for a while. totally switch off.
i’m not able to focus on me, while worrying.
i wish us all well! courage and strength to us, and our loved ones.
will attempt total break now,
bundle of joy :)
While you do seem to recognize his current day issues and have a handle on things in the here and now, it seems you are projecting on what the future might hold in the care and responsibility of him, and you are stressing out on it, while you should be enjoying your family and your vacation. The time is now to begin focusing on how you can set those boundaries and implement ways in which to make his life and your life easier, so when you do have time to yourselves and are vacationing, you can stay in the present, enjoy yourself to the fullest and postpone thinking about what is to come once you get home, as That stuff is Always going to be waiting.
Those excellent exercises by TOUCHMATTERS listed above are things we All should be doing for a healthy and well balanced lifestyle, so thar we can easier take on the stressors of normal day life, as well as the ever changing and difficult tasks of caring for our parents, and man oh man, It Ain't easy!
Is it possible for you to get him involved with the local Senior Center, a men's group, or perhaps learning class on something he is interested in, cooking, photography, computer or art courses, wood working,, or the local Theater group? The sooner you can get him interested in some lifestyle changes, and making more friends to be involved with, the easier it would be for you as he would have other things taking up his time instead of him focusing on himself and his own problems.
It will benefit him to remain active and involved with outside activities as long as possible! To keep himself fit, and his mind will stay sharper longer too!
In the meantime, focus on how you can make the most of those vacations and your husband and children, enjoying your life is important too! I might speak with a counselor about managing your stress, and ways to relax in the here and now! I also recommend staying on this blog site, as there is always great advice on so many relevant topics, it helped me tremendously during my caregiving years!
but now...no vacation plans for me as nobody can or willing to stay with my mother ...
enjoy your vacation
Ditto for my husband and I but if it makes you feel any better, we haven't had a real vacation since 2010!
We've done "turnaround" day trips but, that's not enough!!!
When you get back from vacation look into some homecare help, adult day care, or even assisted living facilities.
HOW TO RETURN TO PRESENCE?
1. Focus on your breath.
2. Look into the eyes of those around you; people you are interacting with.
3. If out in nature, marvel at the beauty in a tree, colors of the bark, the magic of flowers. (I revere trees, earth tones (colors) nature and am a designer so when I look at the formation of a tree, for instance, I see it 'for the first time' and am stunned with its beauty).
4. If / when walking, be aware of your body and moving.
PRACTICE GRATITUDE
1. That you are no worried about your dad now. That is huge. Be grateful.
2. With Covid, wherever you are going, be aware of being grateful for your circumstances - that you can travel.
DEALING WITH UNFINISHED BUSINESS
1. The 'business' of caring for a loved one is never done however you need to put people and procedures in place to lessen the stress/strain on you.
2. Whatever you do not take care of when you are taking care of day-to-day needs will be with you, heavy in your head and heart, until you make or investigate / pursue what you need to do - what care you need, etc.
3. If you feel you do not want to 'go home,' all the more critical that you dive in - with the help of whoever you need to assist you, be it a social worker, therapist, neighbor, friend, family memberS (everyone) to change your circumstances.
BEING WOUND UP
1. Anxiety, overwhelm - we know it well (or I certainly do) - self care is critical.
2. Meditate, move / exercise / stretch / take a walk
3. Eat well.
4. It is essential you take care of your self / health and not 'stuff in' feelings of stress with overeating or just collapsing in a chair.
5. Do little things for yourself - get a rose (one flower), read a few pages of a book each day, do a body scan - a relaxation and 'letting go' exercise/meditation, journal writing - whatever will support you to feel better / relieve the stress - as you decide to change your daily patterns 'habits' you will develop 'self care habits' over time.
Remember, whatever you do not change will remain the same. You need to take action-for your well being and for your ability to care for your dad. Gena.
I feel exactly the same as you when in nature. Not everyone does though. I wish they did. As you say, even one single flower is special.
It’s true, just breathing deeply is so relaxing. My therapist taught me breathing exercises long ago. I continue to use this calming practice.
I find it interesting that colors effect me as much as they do. Certain colors cause a peaceful atmosphere for me, while I detest other colors and find them somewhat disturbing.
Music and art definitely soothes my soul. Moving too. Exercise releases endorphins and make us feel better.
If we keep seeking peace, I believe that we will find it.
Starting each sentence with, “I can’t.” will definitely kill any peace.
Addendum: Just realized your dad is only 65 (my age). Is he seriously disabled from his stroke? If not then he should be able to care for himself for a few days, especially if he has folks to go the cleaning up for him. As for the computer/phone issues, I wonder if there are some high school kids you might be able to find to help him out with tech stuff. Beg off fixing the phone/computer by saying (I just don't understand the newest updates---did you try looking it up on You Tube?)
Also, maybe he's just plain old bored and lonesome. Being the designated helper can be really, really annoying especially when you believe the person you're caring for is able to do more for him/herself than they let on. Sorry that this wasn't more helpful.
He is in a facility that SHOULD be taking most of the burden from you not adding to it.
You need to establish and maintain boundaries.
Your priority is to yourself and your family and they deserve your time.
You are young. When I was in my 50's my Husband was diagnosed with dementia. All the travel we wanted to do became impossible. You need to realize that we need to take advantage of what we have NOW. Travel with your family enjoy your family. You never know what the future holds.
I don't think the OP needs MORE stuff to do and has NO extra time, so suggesting she create these magical moments to self care aren't going to happen. Her dad is still VERY young to be having issues such as he has--and he could easily live 30 more years. 30.
I have very little compassion for people who basically abuse their CG, whether they be their family or paid CG's from an agency. It really sounds like dad is driving you up a wall sideways--and that, plus your job & kids--your plate is too full.
Sadly, time for that 'talk' with dad. He needs to learn to access what is out there for help and use it. No more being mean to the CG's who show up. And no more being mean to YOU.
Explain to him that he comes 3rd after your DH and kids. Suport him in finding activities, if he wants, but not in negative nasty behavior. When he gets over the top, you can walk out. It's a super effeective tool in shutting down pointless discussions and arguments.
You are also showing your kids, by example, how to be used and downtrodden and it's not pretty.
My SIL is there with my MIL right now. MIL is only 'allowing' SIL into her life. She will not allow a single other person to 'do' for her, except her housekeeper of 20 years. And she doesn't even really like her. This will happen to you--almost a sure thing if you allow dad to run your free time like this.
You might call your local Senior Center and see if there is a support group you could join.
Try more days of self care too.
I bought myself a massage chair and I have a hobby I do when my dad sleeps.
Make sure you get exercise, enough sleep and call your friends and family.
Seek out a good church.
You are right, vacations alone are not enough for Caregivers.
If this job is TOO much, make a change. If it is what you want, increase your self care with walks, better eating, more sleep and a hobby.
one thing you might want to think about is that the ONLY thing you can change is you and your thoughts. When we worry, we are living in the future. So when you go on vacation, and you begin dreading going back, you are not in the present enjoying the gift of being on holiday. You are projecting into the future some awful even. Ask yourself, how does that serve you? The honest answer would be that it doesn’t. You say he’s always been abusive and from your description it appears he is not appreciative of your help. Did you know as an adult, you are allowed to set boundaries? Is it easy, if you’ve not been used to doing that? No...however it is the healthiest thing you can do if you want to gain control and power over your life and not allow his wants to take precedence over what you need. You do not have to talk to him daily...surprise. You can let the call go to voicemail or you can tell him daily calls are too much for you with a young family so set a schedule. Perhaps every Sunday and Wednesday...or similar. You need to find out now how to control this as it will only get more difficult as he ages. If you don’t know how to set healthy boundaries, a good therapist can help and there is a book by Henry Cloud on Boundaries that is helpful.
You should take at least 2 Vacations a year but you also need time to yourself every we.
Line up family members or friends to come by twice a week for 3-4 hrs, to watch while you go out to lunch, go get a manicure or massage, ect or hire a Caregiver once or twice a week for 3 or 4 hrs.
You also need at least one day a week off.
You might also try several mini vacations thruout the year.
Prayers
when I worked and had two small children, I didn’t have any time for myself and felt I wasn’t enjoying the time with my children the way I wanted to. For 15 minutes each day, I would place a sign on my bedroom door “Mom is meditating”. My children couldn’t read yet so I had some pictures on it as well. they eventually learn to respect the sign. I’m still not sure if it was meditating that helped or just having 15 minutes a day that I knew was just for me
Occasional vs Beck & Call
How I have learned to operate now is - if you are independent & just need a little help, fine! Call me.
But if you expect me to be at your beck & call 24/7 & want everything done all your way, forget it!
There is no negioting with unreasonable people. If you are acting unreasonable, I will stop negotiating with you.
I arranged for mom to have round the clock care and I called to check on her.
Never in my life have I thought about home when traveling. I enjoyed the trip.
I never thought about something happening when I was gone or what I would return home to. I was so glad to be away and was completely able to live in the moment.
I had tons of anxiety while caregiving as my mother’s health declined but fortunately not during the very few times that I went away.
Only one time did I go away for a whole week. Mom didn’t require as much care at that point. We went to California. The other times were only weekends here and there.
Before caregiving I was able to travel quite a bit and missed it. I love traveling.
I hope that you will be able to eliminate your anxiety next time you are able to get away.
Consider speaking to a therapist to sort out your feelings.
Think about future needs of your loved one and start planning. Having a plan to follow will allow you to put your mind at rest.
You deserve peace and joy!
Read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It's a good lesson in learning how to live in the present moment instead of the past or the future. While on vacation, if you're able to live in the Now, you're then able to enjoy the moment w/o projecting about the future when your life will again be less than ideal due to your father's irritating personality. Living in the future prevents your enjoyment of the Now, and your vacation is ruined by several days at least. Living in the future creates anxiety. Similarly with dwelling on what's happened in the past, which creates depression or sadness. You can't change the past, so don't think about it; same with the future. It takes a lot of practice and in the book, you're given a blueprint on how to actually DO it.
Even though you may not be much of a 'hands on' caregiver for your father or living with him 24/7, a person with a difficult personality lives inside of one's HEAD, taking up valuable real estate in there. That real estate is better served elsewhere so having it hogged up with dread & worry is an ugly thing. I know, b/c even though I'm not a hands-on caregiver for my mother (who lives in Memory Care), she hogs up a HUGE portion of my mental real estate and causes me a lot of anxiety and aggravation.
A good thing for you to do with your father is to decide what you will and will not do for him, and when you will do it. On Tuesdays & Thursdays from 5-7 pm (for instance) I will be available to fix computers or do whatever tasks you have for me. I will not be available at other times, so anything that needs doing will have to be saved up for the times I AM available, dad. Sorry/not sorry, but that's the new terms of the deal. Phone calls can go to voice mail and not returned until and unless you have the time and/or the desire. You are not at your father's beck & call and YOU are the one who needs to understand that. Once you do, you can make HIM understand it. As long as you feel like you are obligated to jump when he says you must, then you WILL. Stop feeling the obligation to, and you will begin to feel strangely free from the burden you've taken on. It's all about rules and boundaries, similar to those we set with our children. If we didn't, our children would be walking all over us & eating candy & cake all day long, right?
Wishing you the best of luck managing a difficult father. And wishing you an awesome vacation that you can truly enjoy!
Read up on boundary setting. You can give him suggestions of solutions to the void that you pulling back may make. Then it's up to him. He's young enough to be more independent and he should be forced to be as independent as possible.
I want to say first that I always tried to do what my parents asked of me. Being the oldest I had the most responsibility and the one child who could be made to feel guilty. So, I surprised myself as an adult I set boundries with my parents. I too worked and had 2 children. I overwhelm easily so when I did for them, it was when I could. TG Mom handled most of Dads stuff but a few years after he passed, she was no longer able to drive. From day one I set up one day a week for her and I to run errands and grocery shop. We eat out a lot, she went with us at least 1x a week. TG she had her friends and Church, it kept her busy.
Your profile says Dad has a Dementia. He may need an Assisted Living. If not now eventually. Do not let him live with u. Things will not be better. Boundries will be hard to set with someone who has a Dementia but you can set them for you. Ignore his calls if your in the middle of something. Let them go to VM and then screen them. Maybe he needs a more simple phone and a simple tablet. It may just be that he can no longer use them. He is forgetting how they work. Learn to walk away or hang up when he is abusive.
Someone with Dementia can no longer be reasoned with. Their processing becomes slower and they lose the ability to show empathy. They get self-centered and get like a small child.
i find your answer very useful.
i wish you both well, alva and holly.
hug!
Thanks for your answer.
Yes. I do realise that others are in a much less fortunate position than me but because I am young and so is he, we are both just at the beginning of what looks like to be a long road.
I work in aged care myself. Sometimes in the high dependency areas. So I fully understand what carers go through.
I also know from the work that I do that a person's experience is not a competition. I'm feeling overwhelmed with my situation where another person might say "oh that's nothing"
I do have a young family. I also work 50 hours a week.
His rudeness is borderline abuse which I've dealt with all my life. He's rude to his workers and he's rude to me too
By client, I meant he's a difficult client for the companies that provide services to him.
Thanks for your reply. It's given me for for thought
thanks for your answer. Yes, he’s independent in that he lives alone. He can cook his own food gets help in for heavy housework chores.
he gets a call each morning from the Telecross which is such a relief for me as he recently told me he has had some falls which he had kept from me.
where it gets hard is things like his phone and computer. He gets stuck asks them demands I fix it out. He doesn’t say please etc etc. he also has me take care of booking the housekeepers etc
he’s extremely rude and difficult as a client. Due to the stroke he’s become extremely neat and tidy to almost an ocd standard. I would say this is due to memory issues
i have a young family to take care of. he expects me to drop everything and talk to him on the phone every day about the same things
I know the situation isn’t the same as someone caring for a person with severe dementia
I’m still quite young 40 and dad is 65 so I’ve got all that to “look forward to”
As short term memory, working memory, planning & judgement all decline, things like phone calls, dealing with non-familiar people & technology get harder & harder. "This phone doesn't work! My computer is not doing what I want!" Sound familiar? (So you become his chosen fixer of all things).
Sadly, it's probably his brain that's the problem. No easy fix. Just frustration for both of you.
His anger may be partly due to this process of losing his independence. Some are happy to move to AL & have the staff fuss over them but others will go down fighting hard!
All I can offer is to start by setting your boundaries over your own time. Then the bigger boundaries on how much you will do when he moves into the next phase: semi-dependant. One day a week help & visit? Or just phone calls. What's right for you?
My parents offered 2 days a week to their own folks but their sibs stopped at 1 & said move to AL!
Do I want to return to what was before? My job? My studies? Partner? House? Garden full of weeds?
What changes do I want to make??
I am on vacation now, so maybe I can relate. I have in the past had spells of worry that interfere with my holiday but have (mostly) resolved this.
Tell us about your Father? He is living in Independent Living (on your profile). So my first question is: is he independent?