Basically, father left when I was 12-13 years old and only reason Mom got back in touch 15 years later was to get him to sign over house so she could sell it. Have only seen him maybe 1 x year on holidays, sometimes not even that. Mom struggled with Alzheimer’s for many years without any help etc. from him before she passed couple years ago. He basically sold his dump of a termite infested house several years back and blew through the money on God knows what with his new housemate who had mental illness as well. Now his housemate died unexpectedly and he was going to be evicted as roommates parents rented them the house they lived in; so I managed to get him into a sober home thanks to the hospital staff. Only found out about his drinking when packing his things. Apparently has had a drinking problem for over 30 years and in denial about it.
Frustrated since he’s been in sober house for going on 3 months and first 2 months was sneaking bottles of liquor in room. They have been easy on him and not kicked him out since he is 76 and they know he has nowhere to really go. Now since he has no cash as I pay his rent out of his ss check he has been clean for the last month. Problem is I resent helping him since he’s never been a “father” to me or my brother. My brother was smart to write him off years ago. I feel guilt though as I love my Aunt (his sister) and worry she wil think less of me if I don’t help him. She wants me to get POA for him and apply for Medicaid for him, and after taking care of my Mom for 6 years with Alzheimer’s I am burnt out and feel resentful to take care of him at all. Told her I wouldn’t mind leaving it to the State to deal with.
He calls me at least 4-5 or more times daily leaving me duplicate messages to Please help him by driving him to get groceries or go pick up his van. Mind you he lives an hour from me and the house manager can take him to grocery store with his food stamp card. Also hate it when he says he misses me on phone and says hi it’s Papa here! What can he possibly miss?! I have hardly been involved in his life for over 40 years and haven’t called him Papa since I was 4! Am now almost 52!
His van cannot be driven ands sits in his old neighbors back yard, since he stopped paying insurance on it, which then led to a suspended license. I have told him no van over and over and he just keeps on everyday; can you help me get my van… making me nuts. I don’t answer most of his calls now; but my Aunt keeps asking me if “we” should pay out the $800 or so to get the van legal again so he isn’t depressed stuck in the sober house all day. He is in no way responsible to be driving at all. The way he seems to forget things lately I think he has alcoholic dementia or maybe just manipulation. He says hasn’t had a drink in years; forgets I found the bottles in his room multiple times. Just shocked and disgusted at his behavior and the way he has conducted his life…Sorry just venting here; my husband is tired of hearing about his dramas…
That's a hard no. His being stuck in a sober house is what he earned. If you rescue him in any way then you're an enabler. In fact, I don't even know why you are helping him at all, especially since you say you resent it. And to impress your aunt? If she truly cared about you she wouldn't discard you so easily for not participating in rescuing her loser brother (who she obviously has enabled her whole life). She has learned the manipulation game from her dysfunctional and co-dependent family. Stop taking his calls. Do not become his PoA. Let the county become his guardian when the time comes because without any money the outcome will be the same anyway whether you manage his care of the county does: he will eventually require more care than anyone can give him, and he'll need Medicaid in order to go into a county facility where he will have housing, food, medical attention and social exposure. Why go through that yourself when the county can do it. Please step back and make non-emotional decisions about this situation and your involvement. (FYI he wants the van so he can live in it and escape sober living).
Now then. It sounds as though Aunt has a lot to learn, and it also sounds as if she is the only person with any reason to feel warmly towards her brother. I'm glad she does, it would be sad indeed to think of any person having no one in the world to care about him no matter how much he's done towards putting himself in that position.
But be honest with her. Be truthful about the situation. Your father can't be "rescued." He can be helped, he can be cared about, but indulging in naive fantasies - e.g. he's stopped drinking, he just needs his van and then he'll be fine - is not the way to do it.
Decide for yourself what *you* feel it's reasonable to contribute towards your father's wellbeing, whether that's time, money, thought, energy, sympathy or whatever. And then be truthful with your aunt about it. Not being a sucker does not make you a bad daughter. Being a sucker will not make her a better sister. Your father doesn't have to have any intention to make suckers of the pair of you - his alcoholism and his history will do that perfectly well without any evil or selfish intention on his part. Don't get fooled yourself, and as far as possible don't allow her to be either.
You have an Aunt, wanting to be the nice sister, pushing you to be the 'good' daughter?
I have folks, wanting to be the good folks, were pushing to me to be the 'good' sister.
I think they truly think they are helping. Are being kind. My interpretation is they were trained that way. They eventually get old & look around for the next Care Bear to take on the responsibility for the Rag Doll family member. (I picture a floppy Rag Doll 'I can't do life - YOU do it for me').
Many people 'can't do life'. Can't become fully independent - many reasons: disabilities, genetics, hard childhood, real trauma. It happens. But some learn to do great by finding folks & services to help them. Some others medicate & muddle along as best they can. Some stay stuck expecting the world to do it for them - find someone to be their 'fixer'.
Does it really fix things?
What would fixing the van for Dad achieve? Like a kid in a lolly store. Buy one. Kid will ask for more I reckon.
Excuse my ramblings...
I am glad you started this conversation. Separating out what is Dad's life, what is yours, where they may connect & where you fork off will be a journey. Many here have walked that road or are still walking.
"Aunt (so-and-so)...
First, let me tell you that I love you very much; and I sincerely hope what I am about to tell you doesn't cause you to think less of me.
While I can understand your concern about your brother, and your desire to try and help him, I need to be completely honest with you - I do not feel the same obligations to him. The fact that he is, biologically speaking, my father doesn't make me feel beholden to him, to help him or to enable his bad behavior. I understand he's your brother, and you have a relationship that spans back many years, but you need to understand that I don't have that same kind of relationship with him - and that was as a result of HIS choices, not mine.
I have helped him as much as I am willing; I have already spent (X number) of years taking care of my mother, and I am NOT willing to head back down that rabbit hole for this man. I have already contributed all I am willing in time and money to him; and quite frankly, I have become deeply resentful of any resources I find myself using for him. So as of this day, I am stopping my support of him.
If you feel this makes me a bad daughter, then so be it; I am sorry that you feel this way, and I hope we can at least continue a cordial relationship with each other. But I will not be swayed by guilt or pressure to take care of (his name) any further."
I hope you can come to a peaceful resolution with your aunt, at least.
Good luck and ((( hugs )))