Handling the finances for an elder that lives with you. Are you feeling lost too?

my own finances just won't stretch anymore. I can't run the house, buy all the food, provide all the transportation, etc on one salary. My utility bill is way way higher with her here running a heater all day, my food bill is way higher because I have to cook a whole meal for her twice a day..where as if I was alone, I would grab a sandwich half the time. I had to have my septic tank pumped because she flushes her pantie liners and TONS of paper down the tank...the first time he came, he told me I wouldn't have to do it again for two years...it's been 8 months!! Not to mention the cost of cleaning up the TWO septic tank backups over two weeks...

When I agreed to $280 for the rent, I assumed she would be buying groceries and cleaning stuff along (which she DID while she could go to the store or if she goes with me) but now that she doesn't go out, I buy everything! My sister doesn't think I deserve more...she says I 'squander' mother's money.

As a retired accountant, and POA for my parents, I suggest you keep impeccable records/receipts of your expenditures. Set up a simple system of file folders to drop your receipts and statements into. Just make sure you can substantiate all purchases, including yours, while your mother is alive. When purchasing items for your mother, ask the cashier to ring them up separately from your own items when possible. Then, encourage your sister to review the documentation if she has any questions or concerns. Once she sees tangible evidence, and that you can support all expenditures, she may back off.
Good luck to you!

Snap out of it! You're obviously morally OK! $280 a month isn't "squandering" money by any definition!
Your sister's behavior may be the (obnoxious) way she's dealing with the suppressed guilt of not being the hands-on caregiver for your mom. OK, now I'll stop playing amateur psychologist and encourage you to let your sister's poisonous barbs bounce right off of you. You're the one in the trenches and the amounts of money you are accepting to care for your mother would undoubtedly be considered trivial (and inadequate) by any court in the land.
The key for you is to keep METICULOUS records and, if you want, periodically email them to your sister so she can see the expenses and your mom's minimal contribution to them. Personally, I think that if the money is there, you should be taking an amount that is more in line with the actual costs of supporting your mother.

If I understand your math, you're going to have spent down your mother's money in the next couple of months. Then you will be able to get her into a nursing home or assisted living.

I don't have the same financial issues as you are dealing with, but my mother did want to know about the bank accounts. So I made an appointment for us to go to her bank and have the manager explain things to her. She liked getting the information from someone other than me. Problems and questions pretty much vanished after that. Would your sister agree to a meeting with the bank manager? Or could the manager write a letter to your sister explaining how the accounts are being used? Getting information in writing is always helpful, at least for me.

Can your sister still remove money from your mother's accounts? If so, is there any way you can get her name off the accounts? To keep my brother, who lives 1500 miles away, informed about the accounts, I send copies of the monthly bank statements to him. Would your sister be satisfied with that?

Taking on the finances is complicated enough. Taking care of her daily needs as well is a lot of weight to carry. It was good to read that you are getting some financial contribution from your mother.

I hope you get some other helpful responses. It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job of keeping all the balls in the air.

Get to an elder care attorney ASAP!!! Mom's been on Medicaid for nursing home care since 2011 & we have a Wonderful Medicaid person who's helped us since Dad's stroke in late 2009 - she's NOT accepting new clients BUT I urge you to see an attorney ASAP!!!

If you have paid down her excess cash, your mother would now qualify for Medicaid in a nursing home, I believe. Are there any near you that you and your sister would feel comfortable placing your mother in? That could solve your ongoing financial problems with your mother.

Sounds like you are doing the best you can and it would cost way more than $280 per month for an assisted living facility. I would suggest you set the payments up on an auto pay out of her bank account, including whatever comes to the $280 per month like electric & cable... Then write checks for her needs, Rx, Depends, ensure... and half the groceries and keep the receipts. You can also spend down on hearing aids, dentures and eye glasses which Medicare will not pay towards. It's a hard job you are taking on, especially without some support. Give yourself a break and don't let your sister get to you. Best Wishes!

280.00 dollars a month sounds like a BARGAIN to me, it sounds like your sister in law is like mine. Mine wants to do nothing and I mean nothing to help care for her mother except complain about everything. All she is worried about is the money she thinks she has. I know that 280.00 a month does not cover the costs. costs of the care you give her. My mother in-law has to go out to eat at least 3 times per week and if she don't she is raising all kinds of h*ll that really puts a strain on you budget but what else can you do?

This is right up my alley. When my dad's second wife died in 2010, my brother, sister and myself started to handle my fathers "everything" He had so much it would have been overwhelming, so my husband started taking care of my fathers 12 rental homes and 14 renters, my brother moved into dads home and helped him with baths, food and as a companion, my sister took over all my dads medical care, doctors appts, home visiting services, medication, and I took over all my dads finances. This includes working with property management companies, rent collection, all bookkeeping to include personal and business. My sister and I share POA, both medical and financial. Then we had his 2nd wife's family accusing us of taking my dads money. I understand completely how you feel, you have to spend money to take care of your mother. If she was taking care of herself, she would spend her money, so let your sister know that.

I had to get a bookkeeping software program, you can get them on line. This helps for you to bring up every penny you spend, you can break it down to money for scripts, clothes, toothpaste. I had to do this, because I had to be accountable to both families.

As for as getting a small salary or stipend for being your parents caregiver, ask a tax professional in your state, I had a lot more money to handle, but that is not the point, the point is, what should you take for job as caregiver. My tax guy told me that we should get paid for our service. Now the money you spend on your mom, for her needs is separate. If you get a bookkeeping program, or even a laptop, this is not for you, it is for your mother. It is amazing to look at everything categorized, it helps with taxes also, your sister can not see all that you do for your mom, so I can suggest using a excel program to do a daily worksheet, this is what I did for all of my siblings, with those two things, you can just show anyone questioning you, facts, and documentation to support your hard work.

It is a fine line, your parent does not understand how much work you do, way more than just being a daughter. Your family will not understand, because, the old saying "out of sight, out of mind" if they do not deal with it every day, how can they have any idea. Yes, you take care of your mom, and you do not expect to get paid for that, but if your mom was taking care of herself, she would have to spend money to do that. Separate the two. You have started, keep all documentation, track your daily work, take your utilities and things like food and divide them in half. Your salary or stipend, is going to be less than if you paid for a caregiver, because it is your parent, but you should get something. The amount of money you are talking about is very small, I would do some research on the cost of a live-in caregiver, the cost to pay someone to do what you do, and the next time that topic comes up with your sister, show her what kind of money you are saving.

One more thing about having a bookkeeping program, all of those receipts are organized, so if you bring up just one category, it will blow you away, it keeps track of a 1.50 item and they add up. You can keep track of the rent, moms part of electric, food etc. YOU WILL NO LONGER HAVE TO JUSTIFY anything again.

Legally, keep good records. Morally, you're a saint. Your sister sounds like a first class pain in the you know what@ It's her guilt talking.

From my own experience keeping records is vital. My crazy sister tried to start a problem for me with my mother's elder attorney. She tried to make it look like I was stealing my mothers money and miss managing everything. I do have records and told the attorney that I could send them to her if she wished. The attorney immediately knew something was us. I don't trust my sister as far as I can throw her. I have discovered over the last few years that she has stolen items from my mother over the years without my mother knowing it was even missing until now. It is a very stressful tightrope walk with my sister, but at least now I know just how she really is. Hard lesson but now my records are even MORE detailed. With good records comes piece of mind! Hang in there and listen to the people on here. They are a great source of info and support. Now take a deep breath and know you are not alone with this problem of crazy sisters.

Wanting, I know it's not good etiquette to criticise other people's family, but please remember a) that your sister isn't the one caring for your mother - she's not in the trenches - and b) that your sister is nuts.

Your mother should be paying as far as she is able for her living costs. I know it feels hard-nosed to be calculating household bills like this, but neither should you be having these qualms about spending her money on her legitimate living expenses. I sympathise; I'm a bit on the ocd side of things and find myself worrying about getting separate receipts for newspapers (??) and is it ok to spend her money on her birthday card to my brother, and do I have to check with the POA siblings before I buy her present to him… And then think, what? This is ridiculous!

You're supposed to carry on on their behalf as was their habitual practice, as far as funds and practicalities allow. You are doing everything right, except that things like additional heating bills, a share of the grocery bill, things like that - these are HER expenses that HER income should cover. Keep good accounts, make sure you're not buying gin and cigarettes for yourself (! - like you would!) with her cash, and tell your sister she can come and look at the accounts any time, bring it on.

"Accountable" doesn't equate to "family whipping boy." You're doing a difficult job well, don't take any wotsit from your sister.

And, actually - what's she still doing on your mother's bank account? You have sole POA, right? If so, you want to get her off there. You can't take responsibility for anything untoward that she could get up to in future. Seriously, if the POA is active then you can't let your sister have access to your mother's money, or to her confidential financial information. It's got nothing to do with getting back at her; she shouldn't be on the bank account.

I think you are doing good. If you think it will become a legal hassle, take the above advice. As my DIL and I say, it seems like "NOTHING CAN BE EASY"!
My mom has few resources, but had her funeral per-arranged and a few things on paper when she became dependent on me. (honestly, I feel grateful at times that my brother wants nothing to do with either of us! No arguing there. Doubt if he'll show up when she dies :( There will be no estate to settle. I am helping her financially now. It took about a year to get through all the "paperwork " but has calmed down. Now we deal with dementia/Alzheimer's . Hugs!

When in doubt consult a professional! I take care of my boyfriend's aunt. All of her financial, medical, and legal work! My boyfriend and I were handed the responsibility and were fortunate to find a good estate attorney that deals with all the aspects of elder law. He has been a Godsend. All of Aunt N's affairs have been neatly covered. She has a DPA and DPAH. I doo the bookkeeping and we go to an accountant or her financial advisors for any questions we may have and when her other relatives want any information on her finances I refer them to the professionals. Seeing that my guy and I are primarily the ones dealing with everything and no one else can be bothered to care for her (even on Mother's Day!!!) I no longer feel obligated to explain things to family and there is no guilt trip. People need to realize that when you are dealing with a person afflicted with dementia/Alzheimer's the primary person is on call 24/7, if you have to pay a person to come into his/her home to be a companion it is going to be between $15.-$28/hour. Don't under value what you are doing. It is a difficult task and at times heart wrenching. Remember to set aside time for yourself and pamper yourself. Find a support group most towns have them now and they are a great place to discover local resources. Wishing you well my friend.

If your sister has mental issues she needs to get off the DPA. You are attempting to do the best with your mother's financial assets. You paid for her funeral, pay for her grave stone etc. You should have home health aides with her so you can work and get out for chores etc. Use her money for this.

Once you have spent down her assets, then you need to figure out if you can handle her in the home or need a placement in a nursing home. I would get a consultation from a good elder law attorney. He/She will know how to become Medicaid eligible and how to keep the elder at home with you or in their home. Only you will know which works for you and your mother. Let their advice and your heart/mind guide you.

But get the mentally troubled sister out of the decision making process. It is not being mean but you need all your mental capacity to help an elder.

It will work out.

Yes, get to an Elder Care Attorney. Hopefully she already has a will drawn up. When talking to her about finances or also with her banker plan to pay off the burial expense now. Then when you understand how much money she has to work with for you and other family members sanity place her in a Memory Care Facility They are expensive, but if you research you may find one that meets all your requirements - cleanliness, good food, interaction between staff and residents, how are doctor appointments handled -do they take your mother or does a family member take her. For every bodies sanity your mother will be happier in this type of facility instead of hearing her children quarrel. She may complain for a bit, but set her room up with family pictures and other familiar items. Her bills should be minimal by this time to include - rent, medicines, health insurance, few toiletries. If she has other outstanding bills - focus on paying them off. Remember the money she has accumulated over the years is to FIRST take care of her, before it is squander and given to her children.
Yes it is very hard to not have more than $2000 in an account and to live off of, but that is what the government wants is for us to live in poverty. Than again there are other programs she may qualify for. Was her husband in the military? There might be a little money from that. Good -luck and research you will all come to a happy ending.

don't try to do it all your self....if you get an elder care lawyer, they can help with every problem you are having......you shouldnt be worrying about the funeral..........please contact your social services in your area and they can get you a list of elder care lawyers that know what to do and won't cost you a million dollars...

You mom is lucky to have you! Hang in there. If you haven't already started filling out the paperwork for Medicaid, do this as soon as you can. The filing of the application doesn't necessarily take a long time, but there you will need to get copies of various things, which does take a while. As hard as it is, it sounds to me that you will need to get your mom into a facility which will accept her "Medicaid pending." Please don't feel guilty about this....
Maybe you could take a couple of month's worth of bills over to your sister and ask if she will pay for half of your mom's care!

Just another idea.....if your sister will not agree to remove herself from your mom's current bank account, then open up a new one with just you and your mother on it, and use the new account for all of your mom's business.

I have been handling dad's finances since 12/13. He has nothing but social security income. I have DPOA. I pay all dad's bills every month from his checking account. Each month I send dad & my brother a list of expenditures I have made on dad's behalf. I also send another list of all the money I have paid/spent for dad. So far there have been no issues.

Also I have been told by reliable sources that I can expense $500/month for my mom living with me.

One thing I would do immediately is open a checking account in your mother's name alone or with you as joint owner. Keep your sister out of your mom's money.

I feel for you as I have been there with my mom and family. Yes, you are doing the right thing both morally and legally. You have your mom's best interests at heart and are not trying to take advantage of her in any way. Your sister likes to stir the pot...I have one in my family too. Best of luck and you are a good care warrior!

Several years ago my mother felt her mind slipping away and decided to get her finances together. She was living with me at the time, and I got advice from my boss and her husband, both of whom had delt with the same issues with their moms. I tried to recruit my sister to be a part of this, but she declined, saying "I'm done with this whole f**ng family". So, mother and I went to the lawyer, had a trust drawn up with me as the trustee. My mother "gave" me her assets and I put them in the revokable trust.
My mothers dementia got worse and she became paranoid and started thinking that I tricked her into giving me her money. She and my sister talked on the phone a lot during this time and I am sure dear sis encouraged this thinking. Mother moved out to live with my sister. I didn't know it at the time, but Sister had mother taken off of her Arecept and Namenda, telling the doctor that she was allergic to them (she actually is allergic to some detergents). She revoked my POA and got Mother to sign her as POA. She ran through all of mothers money that had not been put in the trust-- about $15,000 in three months. She asked me for money to "pay mothers taxes".. and I sent her $10,000 from the trust which she used to pay a lawyer to file a lawsuit against me, each of the two lawyers who wrote the trust, the bank where the trust account was held, the broker, and the brokerage firm (all and jointly for $250,000 each)... And, after the lawsuit was well underway and she was tired of my mother, she dropped her in an assisted living apartment without telling me or my brother where she was. She also sold her $15,000 Highlander for $7,600 and gave the money to mothers (crooked) lawyer for "safe keeping".
As soon as I found out where she was, my husband and I drove up there and took her home with us. The manager of the complex said Mother was not doing well there--- she was down to about 85 pounds! (she had been up to 102 when she lived with us), had fallen and broken two fingers, couldn't use her tv remote or phone anymore, and they had been making plans to move her to a "memory unit" where she couldn't have her little dog that she is so attached to.
So, now Mother lives with me again and the last two conversations I have had with my sister consist of her screaming at me that I should "die and go to h*ll" and "rot in h*ll".. that I am a thief and she will "ruin" me and will "destroy" me and get me fired from my job, get me hauled away in handcuffs... send documentation to all my co-workers, family and friends that I embezzeled $40,000 from my mother. (I truly have no idea where that sum of money came from. Her imagination I guess) All of this at the top of her lungs, screaming, with both middle fingers extended.
Yeah. She's bipolar.

She actually has more money now than when we started the trust. We rented her house out for $950 a month. We use that $950 to pay for her groceries and such. I take money out of the trust to pay three ladies to stay with her at alternate times during the day so I can go to work.. and for 8 hours at a time on the weekends. The weekend lady loves thrift stores and yardsales and they have a good time when they are together.
So..
When my mom lived with my sister, it cost her roughly $5,000 a month. Now, we have 16 hour a day care (8 hours on weekends) and she has one on one attention and it doesn't cost anywhere near what my sister spent with nothing (and no receipts or documentation) to show for it.

I guess what I am saying is, the sibling who does the most complaining about money being spent is the one who would spend freely if they were in charge of the money. The only reason they feel they can complain is because they resent that you spend any money and see their inheritance drifting away. Remember, though, that your moms money is for HER and not for anyone to have an inheritance. Do not feel guilty about spending it on her care. A nursing home would be far more expensive and lots more impersonal.
Her money should pay her way and ease your burden so you can help her for longer. Don't feel guilty about using it.

One thing I did do that I feel slightly guilty about. I had the trust rewritten so I get the house when mother dies. I fully intend to sell it and split the proceeds with my sister (my brother has a large loan that will be forgiven as his "share"). After being told off several times by my sister I just can't imagine owning a piece of property or having any kind of business relationship with her if I can help it. The prospect just filled me with dread until I realized it was in my power to change it.... so I did. Very freeing, that decision. And, as I said, I can still share the proceeds with her. I just don't have to deal with her before hand. Pfft!

I'm currently going through a similar situation. My siblings are not talking to me due to same basic reasons…and have further call the state office EPS, Elderly Protective Services, to accuse me of stealing my mother's monthly income. I do keep records of every payment I make for her personal care. As you, I do not pay much, but every week I pay and provide a receipt for each payment made. I also make notes on each withdrawal made at the bank. Luckily I am provided access to make notes when using the bank's 'bill pay' and also for deposits and withdrawals. I keep all types of receipts: groceries, gardener, pharmacy, plumber, etc. Consequently, the accusations made against me by my siblings were dropped due to lack of evidence. I do have a 'durable power of attorney'. I like you, also feel guilty when I withdraw monies to pay mom's providers, even though, I deposit $83 weekly into her account to help her pay for weekly salaries. Mom now has moved in with me and my husband. She no longer will have to pay for groceries or utilities and Mom has put up her house for sale. My siblings are so angry at me, thus their justification for their accusations. It was my mom's idea to leave her house and sale it, although my siblings don't believe that. I just make sure she is well taken care of, and watch my back at all times. I wish
you luck. I do know how you feel and what you are going through. You are doing the right thing be strong, and God Bless.

It helped a lot when I put all my mother's bills on auto pay through her bank account. You might try that with the funeral home, and did you go ahead and pay down the account to the $2000 limit? If not, why not go ahead and pay that to the funeral home so she can qualify right away?

sherry1anne: in the state where I live it is not legal to prepay for a your funeral. With my mother in law, she had a $10,000 whole life policy that she made the funeral home the beneficiary on so it would not count against her in qualifying for Medicaid. I believe one could also set up a trust that way, though for a couple thousand it may not be worth it.

I'm constantly amazed how family starts thinking in terms of money when a loved one is ill and/or dying.

You are doing your best.

Why on earth would your mother be saving for her own funeral? You should be concentrating on life, not death right now.

The funeral need not be expensive. I'm sure there are other plans available that are much cheaper than $7500! I'd rather spend that money on my mother while she is alive, not dead.

But that's just my opinion.

Seeing an attorney will not cost you anything for the first 1/2 hour. In fact, I've even called one attorney because my mother hadn't signed a health care proxy and he was so nice, he gave me lots of advice and didn't cost me a dime. Sure, if I needed him to draw up actual documents in writing, I'd be charged, but it sure beats dealing with a bi polar sister.

Has your sister been diagnosed with bi polar disorder and is she taking her medications? There may be a way to get her off the POA if she's causing you and your mom trouble.

I wish you the best. This is not easy and others in our families who aren't actually hands on have lots of advice, yet they stay away. Tell them under no uncertain circumstances you are not taking their advice anymore and if they want to give advice, they can come take mom into their homes. That should shut them up.

My mother is also obsessed with being able to pay for her own funeral. She owns a house with no mortgage and has enough cash to pay for a funeral, but I think this is something that gives them some kind of comfort for some reason.

Family members can be the most difficult people to deal with. Keep accurate records, receipts etc. so that you can account that your mother's money went for her benefit. If you are the DPOA for financial as well as medical you have the legal right to manage your mother's funds. You did not mention if your sister was withdrawing money from the account, if so you may want to consider removing her from the account. Now that her assets are at $2000.00 she would qualify for long term care Medicaid for nursing home care. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging or Bureau of Senior Services, they can offer advise regarding nursing home placement. There may also be other benefits such as a waiver program that would help pay for an assisted living facility for your mother. She would still receive the care and supervision she needs. Usually with nursing home and waiver services for assisted living the client, your mother would receive a small amount of money for her personal needs, the remainder of her money that month would go to help pay for her stay. The Area Agency on Aging staff will be able to explain your options. You can sit down with your sister and explain the options for moms care, you shouldn't have to foot the bill for her care, she is living with you so it would make sense to use some of her funds for her needs. Ask your sister what her objections are, ask her opinion regarding mom's care. She may be feeling left out of the decision making process.