I'm the primary caregiver for my father. I know that the mind changes as we get older but I have noticed that he seems to get jealous when I do something that does not involve him. Also, it seems as if just because he has gotten older and can not do many of things he used to do, he wants me to stop doing things just because he cannot. I know that it bothers him to be limited as to what he can do and I understand but sometimes he has an attitude towards me because I'm happy about something. I recently received a job offer that I have wanted for a long time and he does not seem very happy for me. He even told me that I should not tell anyone (such as posting on social media) because people will try to sabotage it. He said this before when I received something I was really proud of. It is like he does not want me to celebrate myself. As I said before, I know the aging process can change people but he has been like this since I was younger. I just wanted to reach out to see if anyone else experiences this.
If your dad has always been like this, then it's not aging. It's the way he thinks, for whatever reason.
My mother grew up in a family that subscribed to the notion that children should be taught to not want to further themselves, because it would lead to failure and humiliation.
Perhaps your dad had a similar upbringing?
You are probably right! I think he may have had a similar upbringing. He will also seem to "find" things for me to do sometimes when he knows I'm going to do something for myself such as just an outing.
Start saying "no, I can't do that".
What a terrible thing to say that she wishes your husband dead. Even my mother who will go very low with what she'll say to me, never wished either of my husbands dead. If she did, she never said so to me.
I can see that you aren’t swayed at all by his opinion. You are living your life as you see fit, which is great.
Who knows why some parents have these ideas? Most likely because of experiences with their own parents, so they don’t have any other frame of reference.
Some of us broke free from antiquated beliefs. I am glad that you did as well.
She is especially jealous and resentful of me though. Can never be happy for me over anything. Always trying to sabotage anything good I've ever had in my life.
So I keep her at arm's length. I don't share any happy news with her. I don't talk to her about business or really anything else. There's no point in trying to include her. She's always been a negative person who instead of promoting her kids to be successful in life constantly tried to pull us down.
If I'm feeling charitable I'll listen to her complain about her list of health problems and about how no one does anything for her.
If I'm not, I cut her off before she starts up because I don't want to hear it.
This may be how you will have to start being with your father.
You have undoubtedly heard the expression "Misery loves company"?
My bro, when in ALF said that the entertainment was sitting about talking about your ills, about all you couldn't do, and commiserating with others about their ills. That and watching for the hearses.
I am 81. I don't know if I would use the word JEALOUS, but yeah--maybe I would.
I used to be able to RUN down to the corner to catch the #36 bus. Now? Nope. I have to pretend I wanted to wait the extra 20 minutes anyway, and just nonchalantly saunter on down the street while my beautiful young neighbor Sam races down with a wave.
So yeah, Faithful. I am glad you can still run. Still shop and clean and have energy to spare. I remember when I could. I want to be able to now, at the SAME TIME I thank the powers that be that I am overall so healthy while my friends are having so many problems. That scares me. So add fear to my jealousy. Or envy. Or whatever we want to call it. As my bro always said "Ain't no substitute for youth!"
We are human. We have some nasty traits. We get achy and we get mean, and sometimes hearing what a perfect day YOU are having if WE are suffering? Well, it makes us cranky.
So just continue to practice forgiveness. It comes so soon, this infirmity. You will think of me when it's here and say "That old bag was right! I am a little jealous".
Enjoy your health and vitality. Sympathize with dad over his loss of his. And I sure do wish you both the best it can be.
If we understand points of view from another person’s perspective then we are able to see it in the proper context.
Having said that, everyone has to assess their individual situation with their family members and determine what is at play.
I strive for harmony with those who are in my life. I believe in compromising when necessary. Yet, I feel it is so important to be true to ourselves. Others opinions are just that, ‘opinions.’
We don’t live our lives according to what others desire from us. It’s our lives, not theirs.
The elderly are feeling the losses of not being able to do what they used to do . However you said your Dad was even like this when you were younger . Therefore he is not going to change at this late stage . If anything it will get worse as he is unable to do things he wants to do .
Not making light of what you are dealing with at all , however, I have a ridiculous ( you can’t make up this stuff ) jealous story regarding my ( deceased) mother . My mother was a jealous narcissist . Appearances meant everything to her . She always had to have the best house in the family and on her street . She lived to redecorate .
Nearly 20 years ago my husband and I bought the house we live in now. It was 2 years old , a divorce situation, got a good price. It is bigger than our tiny first house . Not a huge house , 2200 square feet , but has a decent amount of nice upgrades. At the time my mother who was close to 80 was irate that I was buying this house. She told me that I “don’t deserve to buy this house “ because I “ would not decorate it properly”. And she got angry with me, and told me I should let her buy this house . She didn’t want me to have it . She wanted my kitchen as she liked it better than her own . I’m somewhat of a minimalist in decor because I grew up in my mothers museum of collections where you could touch nothing .
When I moved out I declared that I will use any and all bath towels hanging in my own home. Lol. My mother even introduced me to one of her neighbors once as her “ daughter with the bare boards house .”
Your mom reminds me of my husband’s grandmother! She had everything in life, yet she was never satisfied!
"You look better than I do!" I once heard when it was time for Sunday brunch.
Ok, you have 35 years on me but, whatever.
"Gee I wish I had THAT kind of money."
I told her I didn't know what that means. "Oh well... you know," my mom said.
"No, I don't." She played dumb and wouldn't answer further.
When I told her how excited I was for a weekend spa day girlfriend weekend I got this low voice, "must be nice..."
So, mother is on an 'information diet,' as I call it and does not know what I do or where I'm going (not that she ever needed to know or always knew). I'd hoped she'd be happy for me at first, that I was doing these things but when it became a "oh, wow you have so much money," or "oh, I wish I had that kind of luxury," I quit telling her.
That started before her old age but has continued well in. It's like they say, if they're like this before dementia it will only get worse. So now, I tell her I went to the local library for finger painting classes and the teacher told me I'm not as good as the others.
"Sounds about right."
Let.
It.
Go.
Roof damage destroyed our bathroom and I chose a neutral but very attractive tile and white fixtures for the rebuild.
”Oh, I suppose you think you’re entitled to new towels and accessories in a different colour!”
Um... no... all the old stuff looked just fine, thank you.
Ironic because she bought all new everything when she reno’d her bathroom. <sigh>
Isn’t it sad that some mothers feel as if they are in a competition with their children?
It may be easier to not let your father know everything that is going on in your life , so he doesn’t rain on your happiness and he doesn’t get reminded as often that you are having good things happen , while he is suffering losses.
Just a suggestion . You don’t have to hide things from him if you don’t want.
Sometimes I did not tell everything , it worked for me.
THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
Regarding abusers, like your dad:
1.
Nothing is more damaging to your confidence and self-esteem than being in an emotionally abusive relationship.
2.
Realize you can’t “fix” them.
You can’t reason your way into their hearts and minds.
3.
Develop an exit plan.
You can’t remain in an emotionally abusive relationship forever.
The abusers enjoy the power they feel from mental abuse.
I have definitely realized that you can not fix people. It has taken me years to realize this. You are exactly right..there is nothing wrong me. It also has taken me years to realize this as well.
First off it is not their business, I am an adult and both of my parents were jealous of my career and my education, which I worked and paid for.
They were very clear, if I wanted to further my education, it was on me, as they only had a few years of high school and I too could work in a factory.
Factory work wasn't for me.
Share with your friends or other family members who will support you.
OP:
Some family and fake “friends” will sabotage your success, happiness, life…They’ll ruin your life unless you get them out of your life…or at least, less contact.
I didn't tell my mom anything about my life. It wasn't because we were close so I got the good, bad and ugly, it was because she tried to destroy anything good in my life. So she lost the privilege of knowing anything. This sounds like your situation. Dad can be whomever he is, just not on you neck.
Learning to not share is challenging and quite frankly, it sucks but, it's how we protect ourselves from the toxic dump that happens when we do share.
You matter and deserve to have happiness in your life, if dad can't contribute to that, well he doesn't get to be close enough to hurt you. Remember, that separation is his choice and he gets to pay the consequences.
Good luck on your new job and stance with daddy dearest.
Thank you very much!!!!!
You are right, it sucks not to share but it is best when I do not because the negativity only breaks my happy spirit. I have learned to just share with other friends and family.
Respectfully, the person needing "fixing" here is you (since ourselves is the only person we can control). Have you ever worked with a therapist to find healthy boundaries and develop strategies to defend them? We can't choose our relatives but we can choose if/how we engage with them. Can you offload the caregiving to someone else? Even some of it?
People's negativity is exhausting (my Mom is a "glass half empty" "the sky is falling person"). Maybe put your energies into finding great friends rather than spending any more with your father. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you find your boundaries.
This was a response to Barb. I so hope when he finds something for you to do you say "sorry Dad I have plans". Never give up what you want to do.
I agree with Burnt and some of the others. Don't tell him anything. Congrats on the new job. If you haven't already, you need to set boundaries. No calls to work unless an emergency. If he needs you to stop for something on the way home, text you. You will call him every night at 7pm to see how his day has gone. This gives you time to wind down and have dinner and before TV starts for the night. He must realize that you will not have the time for him u had before. That the aide HE hires he needs to depend on.
The reason Dad does not praise you is because, your the daughter and should be doing these things for him. Why does he need to praise u when its your job. (In his mind) If u were a boy, it would be different, he would not expect him to do. My Dad was a Curmudgeon but he knew the word thankyou. Get that therapy just to learn the tools u need to deal with someone like this. And please know its not you, its your Dad.
Does he have a diagnosis of cognitive or memory impairment, or depression?
I'm only asking because it is obviously easier to avoid him if he's not in your home. If he wants increasing amounts of assistance/company then tell him he needs to hire someone because you can only contributee XX hours (per wk or month). You don't need to give a reason (or else he will criticize and negotiate). Just say "I'm so sorry, I just can't do that!" with a smile... it always puts them off their game. If he continues to press it you can say, "Because I don't want to." This ends his ability to negotiate. If he asks why you don't want to, you should change the topic or pretend your phone rang or walk away. This is callled extinguishing a behavior. The more you ignore the unwanted behavior, the less and less he will do it.
My 2 elderly Aunts didn't want an aid but when I found a great one for them they were absolutely in love with her (and had her for 6 years until she retired). Anything is possible.
No, I do not live with him but I'm over at his house often. He is 78. As I stated in an earlier response , he is going to have to have extra help because I'm tired and I will be starting a new job soon. My mother has been gone 20 years and for 20 years and I have stepped in and done all the cleaning. Now that he is older and has a harder time getting around, I'm also washing, grocery shopping, and taking to all doctors appointments. He does have not any diagnosis of cognitive or memory impairment / depression.
I can't force my toxic FOO to respect or empathize with me. You can't do that with your dad either.