We recently lost my FIL and now have my mother in-law living with my husband and I. My sister in-law moved her into our home 2 day's after my FIL death while my husband was still in a terrible state of grief. Basically dropped her off on our doorstep with a garbage bag of clothes (that don't fit her) so we can care for her. Fast forward two months we are now trying to figure out next steps. Due to Covid and lockdowns where we are the option for placing her in a LTC facility is off the table, we really don't want to expose her to anything. I have stepped up to care for her while she is with us, she has an amazing disposition and quite a joy to be with. That being said we still expect my sister in-law to step up and do her fair share of care as she is also POA. I presented the idea of having 6 weeks off this summer so that I can rest, take my 2 week vacation from work before getting back to caring for her full time. She basically said that her 3,000 sqft home was too hard to keep her in and it was not a good solution so we are back to figuring it out ourselves. She was recently in town for a week to gather contents from their home did not visit her mother and took off back home. Both my husband and I are not happy that we are stuck with trying to arrange care to get a break when we feel she should step up and figure it out. Is it wrong that I feel that her own daughter should be stepping up to help HER mother?? While I would never be the type of person to not help, I feel she is taking advantage of both my husband and I. She has been very difficult to deal with and we are thinking of getting mediation to help in our discussions before this tears the family apart.
No one has heard the SIL's side of the story. The poster is absolutely right that the responsibility for MIL should not just have been dumped on them without warning or any discussion about it. In turn it's not fair for families to just assume that a daughter will be have the caregiving dumped on them because they're the convenient choice that's expected.
This family needs to sit down and have a serious talk. If the SIL dropped mom off on her brother's doorstep with a bag of clothes that don't even fit, there's a reason for that kind of indifferent behavior. All three of them need to get together and talk about what it is.
& I would tour facilities in your area close by. They have the Covid under more control with vaccines & restrictions...
This should NOT be just shoved in your lap...especially after caring for your FIL...you had NO BREAK from caregiving...& didn’t even agree to it! ...Wow 😳
Do not let SIL push you & bully you around. HUGS 🤗
Reality. Nobody is perfect. Everybody has differing viewpoints and ideas on what to do. Agreement and doing "my part" looks different to each person. That's the reality in most cases. That is frustrating and also the challenge - and the challenge you are facing. Whether or not another should step up more is always going to be an issue.
Those who hold POA, for medical or financial, have legal documentation to act on behalf of the person it is for. Financial POA would require paying bills and doing financial business (move money between accounts, start or stop services, pay for any services or products used by the person...). It is never a requirement to use one's own financial resources to cover bills or services EVER. Those who hold a Medical POA take on responsibility of medical decisions about the person's healthcare issues. It is never a requirement to care for the person in their home or even to provide hands on care at all.
I expect there is some friction between siblings about their mom. I also suspect that you are doing a lot of the heavy lifting when it comes to caregiving right now. Instead of fuming, even subtly feeling irked is resentment, decide with those in your household how to manage this new development. SIL can not just dump MIL on you and expect you to do caregiving and wash her hands of the new arrangement she has thrust on you. That is unethical and probably unlawful. You have to agree to this too. If this is NOT what you agree to, then another living situation must be found for MIL.
Meanwhile, start considering how to make it work. Ask for help from spouse, family, friends, members of faith community. Hire people to help lighten your load. If you need respite for 6 weeks, start researching who will care for MIL at that time - it may not be SIL. Most nursing homes provide respite care.
If you do not or can not continue caring for MIL as you are now AND SIL holds financial/medical POAs, then she needs to be informed that change must happen. Give her reasonable timeframe to find alternative care arrangements for MIL or you can research and give her top 3 recommendations.
SIL dropping MIL off on the doorstep was super aggressive & rude.
You demanding SIL be your backup for 6 weeks because it suits You is unrealistic & rude.
Stop bossing each other around like two lionesses & work TOGETHER.
Quit the family squabbles & put MIL's needs front & centre. *What does this recently bereaved widow with Alz actually need?*
Is it something like a stable residence, a regular routine, things she enjoys, company of others & reliable carers?
Work with your DH, all get on the same page & look for that.
You have been assumed into the main caregiving role by your husband and his sister, yet you justify your husband's lack of caregiving and bash your SIL. I see that you are being used mostly by him because he doesn't want to wipe mom's bum or let her go to a facility, therefore, you are the obvious choice to step in for him and insure that he doesn't have to do something that he doesn't want to, but, his sister is the scapegoat and bad guy. They both are.
I think that a mediator would be a wonderful idea to help you see that neither of this joyful woman's offspring are stepping up to their, their not yours, responsibility and they, they not you, need to work together for the best interest of their mom. Time for both of them to put their adult undies on and take care of the business at hand.
Get your MIL vaccinated and get her in for a needs assessment, her doctor or the area on aging can provide this assessment. Then you can call both of them in front of the mediator and give them the professionals opinion of the level of care that she requires and make them pull their heads out of the clouds and do what is best for everyone, not just themselves.
I am sorry if what I said is offensive. I think that you are awesome for stepping in to care for this woman and that both her children are responsible for the mess you are currently in, your SIL was out of line just dropping her off and your husband is out of line for placing restrictions on options for facility care, both are dumping on you and forgetting that EVERYONE lost your FIL, no one person's grief is more important than another's, so use mediation and come together as a family to support one another through the grief and pain of death and Alzheimer's.
You are setting yourself up for the 'no' answer when you ask someone to fill in for 6 weeks. Start with your 2 week vacation from work and then add 2 weeks here and there.
Your husband and her need to talk about this. What each of you can do to keep things going without wearing anyone out totally. If mom is mentally functional, can she go back and forth so she can stay with both of her children? I don't understand how a large home is hard to manage mom there - so ask her what she means by that.
Ultimately, she is going to say yes or no to ongoing help. You'll have no choice but to accept it and make your own decision of what to do after that. If mom has money, hire some people to take care of tasks you handle for her. Hire someone to stay in the home while you're on vacation (if sis says no). If sis is POA and there is money, bring that up when y'all talk. If you can't come to relieve me and mom can't go to you, I will need some help to hire people that we can call on to assist as needed.