Help dealing with family. Is it wrong that I feel that her own daughter should be stepping up to help her mother?

I feel like we are missing a big part of the story.  Was your SIL taking care of both parents while her brother (your husband) wasn't involved?  If so, I can see why she pulled the "tag, you're it" move. This is a conversation your husband should have with his sister. The two of them need to figure out the care of their mother.  Additionally, if your husband is not taking care of his mom and leaving you to take it on, then you need to tell your husband he needs to find care for her.

If she dropped mom off right after dad's funeral, does that mean daughter had been caring for both parents in her home? If so, how long did she do it? Is it possible she thinks it's your husband's turn (in the same way you want her to participate now)?

You are setting yourself up for the 'no' answer when you ask someone to fill in for 6 weeks. Start with your 2 week vacation from work and then add 2 weeks here and there.

Your husband and her need to talk about this. What each of you can do to keep things going without wearing anyone out totally. If mom is mentally functional, can she go back and forth so she can stay with both of her children? I don't understand how a large home is hard to manage mom there - so ask her what she means by that.

Ultimately, she is going to say yes or no to ongoing help. You'll have no choice but to accept it and make your own decision of what to do after that. If mom has money, hire some people to take care of tasks you handle for her. Hire someone to stay in the home while you're on vacation (if sis says no). If sis is POA and there is money, bring that up when y'all talk. If you can't come to relieve me and mom can't go to you, I will need some help to hire people that we can call on to assist as needed.

From the tone of the answers, it feels like everyone has been on lockdown and duty for too long. This was the meanest spirited set of responses I have ever heard. So glad the Mother in Law has a decent disposition.

Wow, I have been reading this post and I am pretty flabbergasted by you and the responses that you have received, some of them, not all.

You have been assumed into the main caregiving role by your husband and his sister, yet you justify your husband's lack of caregiving and bash your SIL. I see that you are being used mostly by him because he doesn't want to wipe mom's bum or let her go to a facility, therefore, you are the obvious choice to step in for him and insure that he doesn't have to do something that he doesn't want to, but, his sister is the scapegoat and bad guy. They both are.

I think that a mediator would be a wonderful idea to help you see that neither of this joyful woman's offspring are stepping up to their, their not yours, responsibility and they, they not you, need to work together for the best interest of their mom. Time for both of them to put their adult undies on and take care of the business at hand.

Get your MIL vaccinated and get her in for a needs assessment, her doctor or the area on aging can provide this assessment. Then you can call both of them in front of the mediator and give them the professionals opinion of the level of care that she requires and make them pull their heads out of the clouds and do what is best for everyone, not just themselves.

I am sorry if what I said is offensive. I think that you are awesome for stepping in to care for this woman and that both her children are responsible for the mess you are currently in, your SIL was out of line just dropping her off and your husband is out of line for placing restrictions on options for facility care, both are dumping on you and forgetting that EVERYONE lost your FIL, no one person's grief is more important than another's, so use mediation and come together as a family to support one another through the grief and pain of death and Alzheimer's.

Ott, my advise is to sit & talk to your SIL. Talk & LISTEN to each other.

SIL dropping MIL off on the doorstep was super aggressive & rude.

You demanding SIL be your backup for 6 weeks because it suits You is unrealistic & rude.

Stop bossing each other around like two lionesses & work TOGETHER.

Quit the family squabbles & put MIL's needs front & centre. *What does this recently bereaved widow with Alz actually need?*

Is it something like a stable residence, a regular routine, things she enjoys, company of others & reliable carers?

Work with your DH, all get on the same page & look for that.

ott1234: Imho, mediation IS required and is a very valid idea. It was pretty bold of your SIL to just drop off your MIL at your doorstep, not to mention the bag of clothing that doesn't even fit her as that may be a moot point.

Your sister-in-law has a 3000 ft square home and can't make room for her own mother?!! There are many things that can be done such as a commode and safety bars in the bathroom. If stairs are a problem there are riding seats that can be installed. Don't allow your SIL to take further advantage of you. I think it's terrible how quickly she abandoned her own mother when she was grieving. If your SIL has a job there are people who can come in and assist with showers, meals etc. Do not let your SIL put it all on you. Be firm and insist she do her part. You need to be very firm with her. If she won't help, after covid would your MIL consider moving to a retirement home and can she afford it? My mother moved into one 6 months ago and aside from the boredom due to covid restrictions she is happy there and is well looked after. My family did our best but it was the only solution that allowed me to have a life and make sure my mom was also cared for and less lonely. She was totally dependent on me to entertain her and keep her company. That was not ideal. If there comes a time when my mom can no longer afford it my brother and I will both put in an equal amount of money for her stay there. Good luck and stand your ground! It might cause some tension but if the situation doesn't change your resentment will eventually boil over. Your husband needs to tell his sister that she isn't the only one who is entitled to have a life. Good luck!

I agree this is not an ideal introduction to caregiving. Most families have difficulty when caregiving is thrust upon them suddenly, especially on top of grieving a death of a loved one. In an ideal world, all the family would gather to discuss and work together to find ways of helping. Everybody would do "their part" or agreement would come easily.

Reality. Nobody is perfect. Everybody has differing viewpoints and ideas on what to do. Agreement and doing "my part" looks different to each person. That's the reality in most cases. That is frustrating and also the challenge - and the challenge you are facing. Whether or not another should step up more is always going to be an issue.

Those who hold POA, for medical or financial, have legal documentation to act on behalf of the person it is for. Financial POA would require paying bills and doing financial business (move money between accounts, start or stop services, pay for any services or products used by the person...). It is never a requirement to use one's own financial resources to cover bills or services EVER. Those who hold a Medical POA take on responsibility of medical decisions about the person's healthcare issues. It is never a requirement to care for the person in their home or even to provide hands on care at all.

I expect there is some friction between siblings about their mom. I also suspect that you are doing a lot of the heavy lifting when it comes to caregiving right now. Instead of fuming, even subtly feeling irked is resentment, decide with those in your household how to manage this new development. SIL can not just dump MIL on you and expect you to do caregiving and wash her hands of the new arrangement she has thrust on you. That is unethical and probably unlawful. You have to agree to this too. If this is NOT what you agree to, then another living situation must be found for MIL.

Meanwhile, start considering how to make it work. Ask for help from spouse, family, friends, members of faith community. Hire people to help lighten your load. If you need respite for 6 weeks, start researching who will care for MIL at that time - it may not be SIL. Most nursing homes provide respite care.

If you do not or can not continue caring for MIL as you are now AND SIL holds financial/medical POAs, then she needs to be informed that change must happen. Give her reasonable timeframe to find alternative care arrangements for MIL or you can research and give her top 3 recommendations.

Dropping her off on your doorstep was despicable & unforgivable!!! I hope someone does the same to her someday... SIL should not be poa...I’d suggest to hubby to see Elder law Atty...Even if SIL unable to be caregiver to her mother, this was not acceptable behavior to do to YOU...since your husband won’t be the one ending up caring for her..it will be all on you!!!

& I would tour facilities in your area close by. They have the Covid under more control with vaccines & restrictions...

This should NOT be just shoved in your lap...especially after caring for your FIL...you had NO BREAK from caregiving...& didn’t even agree to it! ...Wow 😳
Do not let SIL push you & bully you around. HUGS 🤗

We need to hear SIL's side of this situation before judging people. Sounds like there is a long backstory here. But it does seem as if OP is expecting SIL to act according to traditional stereotyping of family life, which may (or may not) be realistic in terms on their family history. Of course it should be MIL's monies being used for her care - not SIL's. And POA is not guardianship. Much different responsibilities. Husband has POA too so maybe SIL will resign her joint POA and then let husband take charge. But trying to force SIL to act as a traditional family member is a waste of time and energy.

So from other responses further down the line, I read MIL has dementia/Alzheimer's, and you won't do long term care. That's a very hard road. I think it's valid to try mediation with SIL, but you can't expect that she HAS to care for her Mom, either financially or otherwise. She is only responsible for doing what a POA does. What was the relationship between SIL and MIL? Bad, if so- that is understandable to not take care. Good, that one is hard too- be in a caregiver position and be reminded daily as to loosing them? I'd just say if the decision to take care of MIL was decided by yourself and husband, then she isn't obligated because it wasn't her decision. Seems like there is more to understanding the SIL perspective also.

You say below that your mil has little to no money. I suggest you apply for Medicaid. They have in-home care programs that would pay you and/or other caregivers to care for her in your home. ( If she was in a nursing home with no money Medicaid would be paying her expenses.) An elder lawyer could advise if you need help through the red tape. Also your sister in law should turn over the full POA to your husband since your mil lives with you. If she won’t, file for guardianship.

If both your husband and SIL are POAs, would SIL be willing to resign as POA and let hubby be sole POA?

If not, would SIL be willing to work with brother for resolution of what to do with mom other than being in your or SIL's home?

Does MIL have resources for a MC facility? If not, will cause more work, but get MIL enrolled in medicaid and find a facility with medicaid beds which can be a challenge.

If husband has access to mom's finances, then hire more help (as much as she can afford) using mom's money until you can get mom's future determined. You can't keep going like this and "this" is guaranteed to get much worse.

Prayer that you all may be able to resolve this peacefully.

A few gaps were filled in by your replies. You and hubby oversaw care for a while. You indicate both SIL and husband are POAs. Was it set up as joint or primary/secondary? If joint, husband should take over the finances and medical decisions. No point wasting time or effort trying to convince her to do anything. He should be aware of her income and assets. As someone else pointed out, the time for discussions around MILs care should have taken place before FIL passed. That ship sailed, so now it's time to make the right decisions for her care. I wouldn't rule out facility care - most places have vaccinated everyone, so they should be safer than bringing in help who may not be vaccinated. Facility care will be dependent on her assets and income.

My YB and I were both appointed POAs. At no time did he EVER take any responsibility or even question anything I did to manage her finances and care. NEVER. We were also both appointed executors for the will. The bulk of assets were in a trust, no need for a will, but several checks came in, like the facility deposit plus interest, the 2nd stimulus, and TBD the remainder of the 1st stimulus they cut as they used the previous year tax return. He was asked to decline and did so WILLINGLY - the only quick turnaround ever!!! I've managed everything for the last 6 years, despite trying to include both brothers in decisions.

Dropping her off at your doorstep wasn't a very nice thing to do, both for you AND MIL. No idea what the relationship between them was, but why was SIL involved? Did she take MIL in when FIL passed? If she didn't want to provide care or couldn't, she should've at least discussed it with her brother first. From what you've said, you and hubby were providing care (with some hired help too?) prior to FIL passing. Perhaps she felt that should continue? As far as expecting SIL to take up any slack, don't hold your breath. It is what it is, so unless husband can work with his sister, he needs to make decisions for his mother going forward. Since you indicate her dementia is fairly progressed, I would consult with EC atty to see if there's anything that can be done to negate her POA. Perhaps if asked she would willingly revoke it herself (in writing!) That would eliminate any need to consult with her about assets/income or any other decision about MIL's care.

IF mom's only income is SS, he can apply to be Rep Payee (legally this is the ONLY way one is supposed to manage someone else's SS funds.) Also, if her husband's SS was more than hers, she might be entitled to more. If he becomes Rep Payee, SIL would have no access to MIL's income.

If this is her only income and there are no assets (such as bank accounts, house, etc.), then she might qualify for Medicaid. Depending on her needs AND income AND state rules, that could be facility care or some (limited) in home care. Medicare might cover up to 5 days of respite care IF the person is on hospice. Could she be approved for hospice care? Given your description, she might qualify - talk with her doctor. They also provide supplies and necessary medical equipment at no charge as well as some help like bathing and support for the family.

Is there a house or just an apartment? If house, it could be sold to ensure funds for MILs care, either by hiring help or seeking a facility for her. Another good reason to see an EC atty. If apartment, can you either move what items you'd like her to have to your place or storage until residence is decided?

"...I think she should pay for the respite." "...has the responsibility to step up with help or financially until things are settled. This should not fall on my husband an myself only."

NOTE: POA does NOT put any financial or care responsibility on the person/people appointed. It shouldn't fall on you & your husband, but it isn't her "responsibility" and you can't force her to pay. If MIL doesn't have enough income, it would be nice if children could/would chip in but it isn't required.

"Both my husband and I are not happy that we are stuck with trying to arrange care to get a break when we feel she should step up and figure it out."

Maybe your husband and his sister need to sit down TOGETHER to figure this out...I get you're angry about the circumstances, and you have every right to be, but many of your responses seem to have the continuing theme that you think SIL is the solely responsible party. Has it always been this acrimonious between you and your husband and his sister? Has his attitude about taking care of mom been one of "you're the daughter, mom is your responsibility" - especially since you say he is "uncomfortable" with toileting issues...I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but to drop mom off on the doorstep with a bag of ill-fitting clothing sounds rather extreme - like an "I've reached the end of my rope" extreme. Did you and husband think MIL was automatically going to become SIL responsibility once FIL passed, because she is the POA? Being a POA doesn't automatically make you the full-time hands on caregiver, nor should that be the assumption made when someone agrees to POA responsibility!

I agree with the previous posters that, if you and hubby are willing to step into the primary caregiver role, then your husband should be the POA. But that very well might be a moot point, if your MIL has advanced beyond the ability to change the POA. If you truly want to resolve this, I strongly suggest hubby put aside the rancor with your SIL, and work with her to find caregiving arrangements that everyone can live with.

Good luck.

First of all, your feelings are NOT WRONG. Mediation is a fantastic idea: please visit the Ohio Dept of Aging and ask for help: https://aging.ohio.gov/wps/portal/gov/aging/

The consensus seems to be that SIL is an evil self serving 3itch, but in my opinion she has zero obligation here beyond dealing with finances.
You say that you are the ones who have watched your inlaws deteriorate for years, why was nobody looking at the long game and planning for the inevitable need for a higher level of care at some point?
MIL needed 24/7 care and you stepped up, kudos to you for your compassion and care. I never tried to guilt my sister into providing any hands on care for my mother because I knew that was not her forte; she couldn't, she wouldn't, and if left up to her my mom would have been in a nursing home 5 years earlier. Nonetheless she was free to visit and interact with both of us in the same way she always had without the stress of veiled hints and overt or passive aggressive accusations because I owned my decision, I knew if it became too much the fault was not hers. Yes, covid has been a consideration over the past year but as others have already pointed out it does not need to figure into your future now that vaccines are widely available. Stop nursing your grievances and start planning the next step, it's time.

I think mediation might be a very good idea indeed.

Especially as there *must* be more to this than meets the eye.

Your SIL, as POA, can make decisions for her mother. But she cannot make decisions for your husband and yourself - she cannot decide that you are it when it comes to your MIL's care. Which makes this whole situation scandalous bullswotsit!!!

First things first though - what's your MIL's state of mind? Is she capable of figuring out and expressing a practical preference about what she would like to do?

Is there something in the relationship between that SIL and her mother that you don't know or don't say here? My SIL (wife of brother, the oldest) would say my mother is a joy as my mother worships my brother and has showered them with gifts and kindness while requiring nothing from them. (Different situation from yours clearly since you are helping.). My mother has scapegoated me from childhood even though I was the only one who protected her from my father's physical abuse (my mother used me as a human shield) and has treated me like garbage despite my being the one who was there for every surgery, financial crises (most were lies to get money out of me who has little), downsizing her without any help from siblings etc. I'm going on maybe too much here. My point is that my mother made me her POA (not in force yet) as I've always been the free slave, while treating me horribly my whole life. If you MIL has treated your SIL as the scapegoat or abused her in some way you don't know about, there may be a valid reason she avoids her mother. My brother too has always been physically and emotionally abusive towards me, so I now know I will never willingly be around him again. Just throwing this out there in case this horrible situation applies and helps you understand your SIL. (Of course on the other hand, she may just be an uncaring person. I almost hope for all of you that it's this latter situation.). If it is the former situation though, you SIL deserves compassion and the right to have boundaries. She will have suffered tremendously.

If SIL is POA that given her a great deal of authority over moms finances & assets. That she has quite effectively & ruthlessly gotten you & hubs to be responsible for moms day to day living and medical needs shows SIL is clever & cunning. There’s another C word I’d use but let’s not....

Imo as long as shes POA, any solution is at an impasse.
I think your choices are:
- mom is cognitive and competent to handle her own affairs and she does a new DPOA and name you or your hubs as her new one. This you get done at an elder law attys office and at the same time update any other legal that may need to be done.
- mom maybe not quite cognitive and competent to handle “executive functioning” totally on her own, so mom does a voluntary guardianship naming hubs or you to be her guardian
- mom isn’t competent or cognitive enough to do either, so hubs files for guardianship. The elder law atty needs to be one that also does guardianships. It will have costs, but once it’s awarded to hubs he can use moms $ to pay for the costs that y’all will have to front. Guardianship trumps any POA, so hubs will be able to do whatevers for mom, her assets, where she lives, etc w/out Sissy’s interference

It sounds like his folks have a home that is now sitting there empty? Is that it? Are you able to secure the house?
So when FIL died, did he have a will? And is anything happening to open probate related to his death? Any idea if in the will if Sissy is named Executor? If you know this is the case, IMO you need to move fast to get with an elder law atty as he may need to challenge Sissy getting independent administration on FILs estate. Like maybe she stays executor cause it is what FIL intended as per his will but it’s gets done as a dependent administration, so it’s court supervised which means anything she might do to sell or liquidate assets needs to be cleared by the court and mom (or you as her POA or guardian) need to be made aware any asset liquidation or distribution beforehand.

Is Sissy a big personality? Is it that hubs has always tended to defer to Sissy? S MIL scared of the wrath of her daughter? You know your hubs family dynamics best. If so, your atty will be pretty priceless for you as he can take the lead in dealing with Sissy and removes hubs from the emotion of dealing with her. Good luck and let us know how it goes, ok.

There are reasons why your SIL won't be and does not want to be her mother's caregiver. Mom might have an amazing disposition and be a joy to be with for many people. That very likely is not the case when she is with your SIL. Maybe you and your husband could sit down with her and talk about those reasons without judgment or contradiction about what she tells you.
In many families there is often one sibling who grows up as the family scapegoat taking the blame for everything. The one who is the lightening rod and catches all the anger, resentment, bitterness, the parents ever have. In families siblings don't all have the same experience growing up in the house. Many times there is abuse with one of them and the others don't even realize it's going on. In later adult years it's usually the abused sibling (almost always a daughter) who ends up taking the responsibility and being the caregiver to the abusive elderly parent.
I tell you from experience because I've been living it for years.
Please try talking to your SIL. Let her know without getting heated that both of you are upset and resentful of having the responsibility dropped into your laps without warning. At least get her to turn the POA over to you or your husband. Otherwise your hands will be tied and you won't be able to arrange care for mom or manage it. Please have a talk with your SIL.
If you've decided that you and your husband are going to keep mom at your home and be her caregivers, you have options.
If you want six weeks off this summer and want to go on vacation mom can be put into respite short-stay care in a nursing home or LTC. You can hire a live-in caregiver to take care of her for a few weeks in the home. Don't take the option of a nursing home or assisted living off the table. Talk to your SIL too. She very well might be willing to help out some if she knows that she will not have to have mom living with her. Good luck.

Oy...you seriously think she would agree to mediation? Don't count on it. First be grateful/see as a blessing that your mil is a "joy", but I think I would be contacting an elder law attorney for some guidance. You deserve and will need some respite and although I doubt the daughter feels any responsibility, financial or obviously otherwise (sounds to me like she has plotted this whole thing out to HER advantage), something like a caregiver agreement should be set up so that mil's expenses are covered for you, which would include hiring privately so that you can get that counted on vacation. You also want to make sure mil's own paperwork is set up adequately. She could be the type to want to divide the estate she may have down the middle, while her dear daughter has done nothing and you are left holding the bag (literally). I'm sure you don't have it in your heart or would want to do the same thing. Take comfort in the fact that you are doing the right and compassionate thing....but try to create a Plan B in case your mil's needs become too much for you....

There may be other circumstances that you are not aware of that your SIL cannot take care of her mother Assuming that she is uncaring seems right to you but may be way off the mark. I say this from experience.

My SIL and brother were so mean to me because I wouldn't (couldn't )take in my mom, that for 6 months I couldn't even go visit her. They said nothing to me about their assumptions and refused every offer of help from me which was so awful and left my poor mom wondering what happened to me. It was torture the few times I ventured to go. They were the ones who had offered to take her in after all. Their coldness was excruciating and obviously they thought that because I was the daughter I should have taken her. Never mind my circumstances.

6 mos. down the road things came to a head and we talked.
None of us wanted LTC so we finally agreed to put her in an adult home for a year(all she can afford) while Covid is still going because the adult home doesn't have the same regulations for visiting. Everyone is happy; my mom especially. Talk to you SIL before it is too late to mend things.
If she really won't talk to you then you need to find out what is right for you and it seems you are at your limit now. SIL had 4 hrs. help a day and was still resentful having MIL there. I'm sure my mom is happier without all the tension between families. She loves it where she is.

I wish you he best. There IS a solution.

As POA, is your SIL using your MIL's money to help pay for her cate, housing, relief help for you, perhaps even paying you beyond expenses for your help? She shouldbe. If she is unwilling or unable todo hands-on care, she needs to contribute by managing your mother's resources for your mother's care.

She is taking advantage of you. She didn't discuss this with you ahead of time. As POA is she reimbursing you for expenses? Can your sister hire an aide to stay with your mother while you are on vacation? Preferably it would be in her house. If you offer your house, be sure to lock away your valuables and financial papers. You need to have a conversation with her daughter about your limitations and wishes and set boundaries. If her daughter will not cooperate to help figure out how to make this work you might want to discuss it with a professional, as you suggest. But a mediator won't work if the daughter is not cooperating. You may need an attorney.

Maybe mom should rethink her POA and give it to her son.

Many times a child will just use their parents money and take their things but try to put all the help and work for others to deal with.

COVID or not you start arranging a 2 week Respite for your vacation.
Mom pays for the respite with her funds.
After the 2 weeks mom either stays for another 5 weeks or sister can come pick her up.
Placing mom in a facility would result in a quarantine for a time but mom (MIL) will be just fine.
The next thing you do IF you manage the vacation is you need to hire (again mom pays) caregivers that will come in and help care for her as well as do some of the tasks around the house to take a bit of the workload off you and your husband.
If the POA does not want to release the funds you might have to talk to a lawyer.

If your hubby is also POA.......then he needs to make decisions. Maybe the sister is not capable or just really never wanted in that position. Both my brother and I are POA's but honestly I do 99% of the decision making, etc. my brother lives half hour away but I end up doing most of everything. Now... our father passed in 2020 (NOT FROM COVID), and our mother is now in nursing facility due to many health issues and both her and I know that I cannot be at her place 24/7 and she didn't want it that way either, so that helps. She was fine with going into nursing care. Your hubby should speak with his mother and they should make a decision together and then seek out an Elder attorney to help protect any assets she has. Find a good nursing facility (and YES there are some out there, my mother is in one)........and hopefully things will fall into place. IF your mother-in-law is still very coherent, maybe she would want to take back the POA of her daughter since its clear that the daughter don't care (unfortunately)......but I guess pancakes have 2 sides so do you know everything that went on between them? Your hubby can inform his sister of what is happening and let it go at that. just make the decisions.........she (sister) doesn't need to be involved IF she doesn't want to be. wishing you luck in this.

Who took care of your MIL before your FIL passed away? Was he taking care of her and suddenly passed, or was a third party involved in her care? Was it your SIL? In any case, it seems to me that you would not be out of line in placing her in a facility to care for her and you and her son could visit her often. I honestly don't know how non-professionals can take care of someone with your MIL's conditions which need 24/7 attention; it seems an impossible job.

Just to clear things up a bit, my MIL is in advanced stage of dementia and alzheimer's. She is unable to eat, dress herself, bathe, walk un assisted.....really do anything. She does understand 50% of the time what you are saying but has trouble responding. This is why she needs care by my husband and I 24/7, this is also why I need to ensure that I get a break and can take my holiday's from work. We do have part time care-givers come in for a few hours per day but the rest of the time I am taking care of her and juggling work at the same time (I work full time) My SIL is retired and not working. She is busy doing her own things and has left all care responsibilities to my husband and I and refuses to help. We are looking at respite now but want my SIL to cover the cost as she should be responsible for figuring out care for the 6 week break that we need if we are taking care of her mother 52 weeks of the year now. My MIL is helpless and does not understand what is going on, I even suggested that we make sure we keep some of her personal belongings and furniture for when she moves in to LTC in the future and my SIL said what's the point she does not even know what is going on.......so uncaring !! How does she know that my MIL would not recognize some of the things from her own home !