My husband, 76, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s about 3-4 years ago. He is a retired professor and continues to think he’s just fine. He debates with his neurologist about his condition, won’t accept the diagnosis, and I am starting to worry that sooner or later his safety will be an issue.
He thinks he can still drive. His neurologist forbids it but my husband says that his doctor doesn’t know anything. I have to hide the car keys and beat him to the driver’s seat as if we were playing Musical Chairs. My daughter installed a stopper to prevent him from driving but it broke. I had to pay for a tow and had to rent another car. I have no family nearby.
He repeats himself constantly but, of course, to him each time is the first time. As a retired accounting prof, he has become obsessed with our bank accounts and bills. His mistakes are constant so I have to undo his errors and then correct our financial records. He refuses to give up being the head of finance in the family.
I am at my wits’ end. My 97 year old mother is fading. She lives far away and refuses to move up here. I have good facilities for seniors in our town but my husband refuses to utilize any of them. He shows no recognition that his condition is deteriorating. It’s not really denial, but more obliviousness to what is happening. I am afraid to leave him alone.
I identify with your situation. I am sorry you are going through these challenges with your husband.
My husband also has no cognition of
the severity of his Aphasia/Dementia
disease. So, he is happy and hopeful.
it is called anosognosia. Not understanding the disease. Perhaps a coping mechanism? ( a blessing in disguise, for him...)
He was a University Professor of Physics and he thinks studying the English language will make him better... He has hope and he participates in life with family and friends. In order for me not to loose my mind, I accepted the situation. It saves me a lot of energy. I do not disagree with him. It keeps him calm and happier. It would be a lost battle anyway... Why convince him of something horrible? What is the gain?
He wanted to drive, and not to sell his car. I put away the keys and kept his car in the driveway, paying for the insurance etc to keep the peace...Recently, at the Neurologist’s office, using gestures, he expressed that he wants to drive. The Neurologist said “ absolutely not
safe” My husband accepted it and told me to get rid of the car! I did that, selling it to a car dealer, the same day! But, I told myself to be patient... Something I try to be everyday...It pays off!!!
As far as handling the finances, they
do not want to loose that control, but, little by little you have to take it over. Talk to someone at your Bank. Bring the Doctor’s diagnosis and a POA if you have it. Open an account only on your name. Do $ transfers. Set up automatic payments. Make sure your name is on all insurances, electricity accounts, phone bills etc. It will make life easier for you to
manage, as he deteriorates...
Also, you said your husband does not want anyone to come and help in your house. YOU need help. So, tell him the help is for you...
My husband got used to the Caregiver by now. As he is deteriorating, I already have help in place, before I burn out. It works. Not perfectly, but it is invaluable to have help for you and for him...
Stay calm and take actions. You two are not a team anymore. You do not need his permission. He is like a child...Accept this horrible change the disease brought and follow what you think is right.
Keep a good support system, like family and friends and get some advice from Doctors, lawyers and Therapists. YOU will survive this!
Sending you good vibes, good wishes and hugs 🤗
my husband is like this. It helps to understand this. My husband was a successful builder. I think the smarter they are the harder it is.
I also deal with stress and anxiety. I really can’t leave him unintended. I am slowly adjusting to be home constantly with him.
Blessings to you.
Prayer helps so much
Anosognosia. It will help you understand
blessings
eloise
Being more educated might make this all harder, but what is the purpose behind trying to make someone understand/accept their condition when that condition is going to make them forget it? It’s the same philosophy I use in not telling mom that her mother is gone (40 yrs.) It’ll upset her and then she'll forget, so we have to play Groundhog Day until the end? It's easier to come up with plausible excuses (she's in FL for winter, etc.)
Safety can be an issue, but if you educate yourself about what to expect and monitor his comings/goings, at least for now it is doable. You are "afraid to leave him alone" and likely should be. If you need to run errands but he doesn't want to go, can you hire someone to be there (pretense is they are doing chores to help YOU - use any excuse!)
As for driving - hiding keys can work as can disabling the car, but can lead to arguments over it. Something that might work, since it sounds like this is the only car, is a kill-switch. Often this is an option with alarm systems. A good mechanic could install this for you, just be sure hubby doesn't know where the switch is! It prevents starting the car until the switch is thrown - so long as he doesn't see you do this, it could be a good deterrent. Later, when it "works" you can tell him you had the mechanic or AAA come by fix it....
"He repeats himself constantly but, of course, to him each time is the first time." - typical. It was one of the signs noted early on with mom. It doesn't get any better - mom is now into year 3 at the MC facility and still does this! You have to get a deaf ear to it... mutter some kind of benign agreement or answer - don't try to correct or tell him he's repeating himself. That’ll just lead to anger/frustration for both of you! It gets tedious, but also gets easier if you know not to disagree/correct.
Can you have all banking/account/important information sent to a PO Box? We had DPOA, but taking over wasn't enough – brother had to take mom out and I cleared ALL paperwork out! She lived alone then, but was digging out old papers and driving me nuts! Also, if banking/accounts are done online, CHANGE the passwords (and security information) so he cannot get online. Blame the banks for having a broken system! Do all banking, etc when he is occupied elsewhere. Perhaps you can buy him an accounting notebook and let him have older statement copies to make entries and "reconcile" them - busy work ;-) to keep him out of your hair? Open new account(s) in your name only and have deposits done there. Typically you can't close joint acct w/out agreement from the joint owner. Request rep payee from SS.
Not sure what to do about your mother. If she refuses to move, not much can be done. Are there other children who can help? You can’t manage her from a distance AND negotiate the path with hubby. Even if she agreed to move, would she be in AL or at your home? Juggling two is likely going to be too much to handle!
While it is nice to have elder services available, we can’t force them to participate. My dad didn't like the place mom tried, because he was still okay mentally, while the others were pretty much gone and immobile. Your hubby doesn't think he has an issue, so isn't likely to want to go there.
While implementing suggestions made, learn all you can about dementia/Alz so you are better informed and prepared for what is to come.
First of all it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job supporting him and letting him continue with tasks that he finds fullfilling. I’m not sure it’s really necessary for him to except the diagnosis however you might need to create a new dynamic between you and him in regards to taking care of household tasks, accounts, the car etc. Perhaps re-assigning roles not because of his Alzheimer’s but because you would like to have more involvement, perhaps learn more, something on that train of thought.
I would be curious as to whether he thinks there was any kind of memory loss or confusion happening. Another thought is maybe if you heard the diagnosis from a different family member. But again my gut feeling says that he doesn’t really need to know the diagnosis or even to mention a neurological disease, but perhaps just talking about changes in personality and behavior changes. It might be a good idea to bring other caregivers or helpful friends involved in his life. As it progresses he’s going to need more help. And if he refuses to go into a facility then he will need to bring caregivers into the house. So getting him used to having people help him around the house and possibly with a few of his needs like laundry etc. it would ease him into that potential future. Hang in there and take it one day at a time. Hugs, Melanie
Can you contact Social Services re: your husband? They can step in and make recommendations. Plus, if your mother is over 65, she should qualify for Medicare which pays for home health. Contact your loved one's physicians and ask for referrals for home health care.
It's an awful disease and painful to watch someone you love, who was once vibrant and energetic fade away. Just know that you're not alone.
Looking up the term "anosognosia" for you:
People don’t always feel comfortable admitting to themselves or others that they have a condition they’ve been newly diagnosed with. This isn’t unusual, and most people eventually accept the diagnosis.
But sometimes, the rejection is long-lasting, and it’s not simply denial that’s causing a person to reject the facts. It’s a condition called anosognosia. This loosely means “lack of awareness or insight” in Greek.
Anosognosia is a lack of ability to perceive the realities of one’s own condition. It’s a person’s inability to accept that they have a condition that matches up with their symptoms or a formal diagnosis.
This occurs despite significant evidence of a diagnosis, and despite second and even third medical opinions confirming the validity of a diagnosis.
Can you get the garage to add a separate immobiliser on your car - that alone might help if he did get the car key first?
Are your bills online? Sounds like if you have POA you should implement it. If not, would his neurologist or doctor be able to help you re a letter enabling you to act to restrict your husbands access to accounts or switch them to an account with a password.
Its so difficult when they won’t recognise or acknowledge the problems they have and /or are causing. Do the facilities include befrienders? They can come in supposedly for both of you and if accepted by your husband might give you a well needed break.
Another, might be respite care, whilst your husband might object - it might be advisable to start having times there so that you can visit your mum and hopefully, should you need to go, there will already a routine set up for your husband by then. It would also provide you with a few days of rest from the 24/7 care you currently are doing.
I understand your reticence regarding leaving him alone and hope that you are able to find a solution that, along with the debates they will inevitably cause, enable you to care and have time to deal with other important issues and people in your life.
If for no other reason, you need regular breaks to stay reasonably healthy yourself. Do keep us informed, whatever you decide is best.
Regards,