How can I get my husband to understand that me getting away is not a sign that I hate him or I want a divorce?

Thanks for all the comments. I need to hear that my life isn’t the only one that is not normal. My husband became so violent at times that I moved into an apartment. I take him meals, clean house, do yard work whenever possible. I feel so guilty at times because he is so lonely but no one wants to be around him. As my daughter said “ he sucks the life out of you”. He accuses me of affairs with other men. He really believes I have participated in sexual acts with other men in front of him. As one has already stated “he is always the victim “. Sorry for complaining so much. We all have our mountains to climb.

"Whenever I discuss getting a nurse to stay with him while I work or go visit my dad it turns into an all out argument."

Rule #1 in Fight Club - we don't discuss what needs to be done!
Rule #2 in Fight Club - we DO what needs to be done!

He's going to think what he's going to think. He's going to say what he says. Nothing you do will change that, you just have to try to tune it out (headphones can help!) I wouldn't give him the opportunity to "discuss" some topics, like this one. Getting help isn't just for him, it's for YOU.

I would bring help in, starting with when you are home. IF you can find aides who can do some house chores as well as husband care, start with them. You can repeat to him that you've hired them to help you. Even if they don't do "housework", they can hold a broom or dust rag and pretend, while they watch over, chat with or help him. Have them helping YOU do what needs to be done. For instance, when it's time for his medication, get Jim or Jane the care-giver to do that, telling him that you are elbow deep in his laundry and he NEEDS his medication NOW. Definitely use that time the helper is there to get tasks done and/or take time for yourself. It also allows you to see if any inkling of personal connection is made between him and the help, and decide whether the person is a good fit, has the skills needed to "work" with recalcitrant clients, etc.

After they've been there a while (days? weeks?) and you're off elsewhere in the house doing "chores", skip out to take a break, run errands, whatever. 15m, half an hour, then return. Do NOT tell either you are leaving (you can give the aide a head's up before hand.) Over time you can increase your time away, as he hopefully gets used to having this other person around. Even if he doesn't, increase your time away anyway. You know he's safe and there's help should he need it. Load off your shoulders. It should probably be every day help, the same time each day, so that it becomes part of the daily "routine."

He may never accept the person, but again, this is about YOU as well as him. He's getting the care he needs, from you and the help. You need to take care of you as well, which you can safely do while someone is there to watch over him. I would NOT answer his calls, either in the house or on the phone, during the times this help is there. Also, if he needs or will at some point need help bathing and toileting, this "help" can take over. If he complains, you just state matter-of-factly that you can't physically do it and if you try and hurt yourself, he would end up in a facility. Period. NO further discussion. BTW, if mobility issues means he can't get around on his own, could you try a medication dispenser? They have timed/locked ones that can be set for a time, usually up to 4 times/day, which alert visually and audibly and open that time slot. If only one/day, it can be filled for 1 month's worth. Assumption is difficulty or inability to walk, but if the dispenser is left near where he can reach, he could do this himself (and probably should be.) Ensure there is water available as well. It prevents over-medicating, but allows some independence. It can help those with early dementia, but unless they see/hear the alerts, doses can be missed. However, with someone else around, it can be monitored. My mother's hearing was really bad and she'd either misplace/forget the hearing aid or neglect to change the battery, so would sometimes miss the alerts. While still in her own place, I tried bringing aides in, 1hr/day only, to check on her and her meds. They can't dispense, but they can point it out. In her case, this didn't last 2 months. She refused to let them in. In your case, YOU can let them in, he won't have a say (well, he will, but let it fall on deaf ears!)

Keep conversations with him short.

I don’t know that I would classify a person with a damaged brain as a narcissist. My husband is certainly self-centered and totally unable to see a burden he might be placing on others, but that’s part of his dementia. He wasn’t like this before. He used to be able to see someone else’s side and was just about always willing to compromise to accommodate other’s needs. But dementia has made him child-like in this regard. And, like a child, he just can’t see the world from anyone’s perspective but his own now. He absolutely does not see that he can drive someone around the bend with his many delusions - which ALL feature him as a victim. But it’s the disease that’s trapped him into thinking he’s so wonderful and I’m so selfish. Tonight he asked about our cat. I said she was fine rather than remind him the cat was dead. But he remembered and said “you killed her, too!” Yep. I did indeed take our 19-yr-old cat, who hadn’t eaten in 4 days and who I carried to her food/water bowls and litter box for two days, to the vet and pet her while the deed was done. I didn’t want to risk her crying in pain in the middle of the night and not being able to find a vet to help her til morning. So he’s right. I did kill the cat, but it sure wasn’t nice to hear his accusation. Before dementia, he’d have thanked me for handling it.

He puts a guilt trip on you and it works. He can say whatever he wants about being your caregiver if shoe on other foot, but saying and doing are two different things. And it may well be that he would take care of you AND ask for some time away to regroup, just as you do. Who really knows?

When others are around, you can force his hand. He may want only you, but he gets what he gets. Why not start with a family member being present and wait for him to ask for something. You say, I'm tied up right now, but Mary said she would get it. Then let Mary get it. Do not give in. Maybe once he gets over the hurdle of letting someone else do something for him, he won't be so resistant to the idea. Also, bring in a cleaning lady to help YOU. Tell him YOU need the help. Ease cleaning lady into doing little things here and there for him. Make her and any relatives aware of what you trying to do before they arrive.

You don't say what his condition is, but is it possible for the two of you to get out of the four walls you look at each day? Perhaps take a strong healthy friend or relative with you to help with him on small day excursions or walks. Maybe a couple that you know - husb could stay with him while you and the wife do something else.

Let him throw his fits. It takes two to conduct an argument. At the start tell him you are not going to argue about a trip from years ago. Then shut up and no more comments that engage the conversation. Tell him you're tired and need some down time without catering to another person for a few days - then make a reservation and go. Arrange someone to be with him. They can be paid to just sit idly by or can help him. You may find that he can do much more for himself than he allows you to see.

Read up on interacting with the narcissistic person. It may help you in replying to his remarks.

Go on the trip. Also, find other outlets to have fun. You NEED it and you DESERVE it. When others come over, leave whenever possible. Don't come home early.

If there is an emergency, the caregivers will let you know. Don't answer the phone, especially if you know it is him calling. Four days is a reasonable length of time to be unavailable. If you are tempted to answer the phone wait at least an hour. It will give you time to think about whether it needs to be answered and give you time to think about how you want to respond. Just because the phone rings, doesn't mean you have to immediately answer. If it is important, they will leave a message or call someone else in your group.

My husband's psychiatrist told me that "Going over and above, for an extended period of time, NEVER ends well for the caregiver." (Direct quote) His social worker also told me to step back as much as possible.

Many AL facilities offer respite care. You can tell him it's a hotel, because the ones my mom was at, sure look like a hotel.

Learn about Grey Rock. My caregiver group leader called it similar to the martial art of Akido. You let his words flow around you and don't let him see that it upsets you. Let him think he is winning and still get what you need.

When my husband tried guilt trips on me, I told him that he was right and that he would do so much better than I can and that I was sad that I wasn't as capable as he is. And that he deserved the best care possible and that I was just not capable of it. Agreeing with him usually took the wind out of his sails. It also fed into his sense of superiority. It's hard to yell at someone who keeps agreeing with you.

You need to remember the plane analogy. You must put on your oxygen mask before helping others to put on their oxygen masks. SO, self-care is not being selfish but is actually enabling you to love others. Start with covering the basics: 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night, 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace every day, "time off" daily and weekly to take care of your needs (health, other relationships, and activities that nourish your soul). You may need to explain this concept to your husband that you need to care for yourself so you will be able to care for him. If you can not care for yourself, then he will need to go into a residential facility. If need be, find a way to make a picture that embodies this concept and put someplace as a reminder for both of you.

Next, please consider finding a group or counsellor to deal with boundaries, identifying problem behaviors and deciding on coping strategies to employ. I like all the books by Townsend and Cloud on boundaries; they are Christian counsellors that have successfully helped many people deal with boundary issues in a loving, firm way. Read one of their book and start putting their principles into practice.

Widen that group of care providers. Ask family members, friends, members of faith community and/or paid help (sitters, home health aides...) to get involved in your husband's care. Remind him that you can not "do it all" and that others need to help. Remind yourself that if you were sick or injured, somebody else would have to care for your husband. Involving others makes sure that there are plenty of care providers when you must be away or can not care for him. It is love that makes sure another is kept safe and healthy.

My mom is a narcissist. You are right, they canNOT empathize ever.... ever.... ever. I have pretty much learned to save my breath in trying to explain things.

You can never ever change them. Remember that, dwell on that for a bit. And then stop trying to.

Keep things simple and refrain from explaining. It does not work, so stop doing it. ( That has been hard for me, but once I figured this out, I do not get so upset anymore. It really really helped. )

I finally got a wonderful caregiver and had her come over and meet us. Mom likes her, too. Mom is forgetful. I waited until the afternoon before I had to leave for a few days to tell her that the caregiver would be there during the day until my daughter/her granddaughter got home from work, and that everything would be fine. She of course was upset and a bit tearful, but it worked out well.

There is no sense with my mom due to her anxiety, forgetfulness to tell her something like this a long time in advance to "prepare" her because she would be upset 24/7 until the day of. And she did do well ( well except for the sundowner part when she was mean to daughter at the end of the day and made a nasty, pointed comment .... but that is part of her normal self...... it upset daughter a lot and I had to help her try to get over being hurt by her words ).

I planned for the caregiver to be there an extra day when I got home so I could take some time to be by myself in my room catching up on things. And when I came out a couple of times to get coffee and check, Mom and the caregiver were sitting on the porch having a great conversation.

That bit of relief was so very helpful... I know I will have the caregiver back a time or two during the week so I can get out and do something... I do not even know what yet. But I KNOW that Mom needs to have that sense of someone else caring for her and that her world is not going to end if I am not around.

Sorry for the long story.... I just thought it might help you.

Go anyway. Let him know that you need a break and it gives him a break too

Dear JPWeller88,
I am a patient who was diagnosed with Early onset ALZ a month before my 57th birthday, almost 5 yrs ago. My mother was DON for a Catholic Rehabilitation Center for about 15 yrs, and she gave us some wisdom about Caretakers needs. What she told me I held on to throughout my teens and now in my early 60's.
My mother always said always take some time for yourself, a little breathing room between spouses, people you may be dating, or living with, always have some kind of activity that is just yours. I know my Stepfather was a bowler, always played in a league and once a week for 40 weeks each year, and he was President of his Church's Council for around 20 yrs. My mother would sometimes go off to a family camp owned by my uncle and spend a weekend on one of the Great Lakes. with some of her friends. They always gave each other room to breath.
My DW and I have always had a couple of activities we've done on our own, mostly we participated as members of Charitable Organizations, and a meal out with a friend every couple of months. My DW would have a weekend with some of her friends and they've gone away just the women for a 3 day weekend every fall for over 20yrs. Every other month they gather at one house, bring apps and wine, make meals in the cabin they rented. I would go off and do volunteer work with a Team of Guys from a Fraternity I belong to for a weekend. Occasionally my wife and children would come along too. We made time for our immediate family and my MIL & FIL, aunts and uncles. This has always worked well for us, and both my DW and me have been together 27 yrs, dating and married and never had a fight. Should we have a concern, we've always talked things out with civility. We had great role models my Stepfather and Mother, and my MIL & FIL, on how to create a welcoming home life for all of the family.
Please keep taking your weekends with the ladies and enjoy yourselves. Looks like you've been doing some things for yourself over the years, don't give it up, it is medicinal for you and your husband.

"I am caring for my husband Jim, who is 55 years old, living at home with anxiety, depression, diabetes, incontinence, mobility problems, and stroke."

You married a narcissist. The sooner you accept that you cannot change a narcissist and that a narcissist's only goal is to manipulate people in doing his bidding, the longer you will feel "overly stressed".

You cannot change your husband. You can only change your own behavior and attitude. You need to learn to establish healthy boundaries and stand up for yourself and your own needs and desires.

Hire in-home help for your husband on a regular basis. Use that time to get away and do your own thing. Do not ask your husband for permission to accept help from family who offer to help him and give you respite. And when your son wants to help just enlist him and let him help his father.

Perhaps both you and your son need to establish a unified front with Jim. If Jim declines help, that's his *choice* and it doesn't mean that you then have to jump to his rescue.

Establishing new ways of doing things is never easy. Your husband is used to my-way-or-the-highway. That never works and it's not a partnership. When he starts with the manipulative you want "him to be in the hospital or a home because he is a burden and I hate him...he would be happy to take care of me if the shoe was on the other foot. He would never feel stressed because he loves me. I must not love him..." NONSENSE, learn to say something like "Jim, you will not speak to me like that" and walk away. He has trained you to give up all your power and independence and now it's time you trained him to treat you with the respect and courtesy that you deserve.

Only you can change the dynamic of your marriage. You have choices. You matter.

Your husband is a narcissist thinking only of his own needs and wants what he wants. YOU stand firm. You are going to take a break and make appropriate arrangements for his care while you take a break - caretaker (whom he can't control or dismiss) or put him into a facility for a few days. He is NOT going to understand and won't give in but that does not mean he has to destroy you. Law the law down with boundaries and let him know YOU are in control of you and he must stop. He won't so decide what then. And walk away and don't argue.

There now even without the caregiving which I see is coming sooner rather than later. I see things and worry, he needs evaluating. My husband has a way of pissing off everyone but he's not at fault.

No good advise. Hang in there and do what ya gotta do.

Jim is only 55?

I would be blunt and put my foot down hard.

Jim, you say your would look after me, but you refuse to all me any time off, how is that caring for me?

Jim, when you argue that I must not love you because of my annual woman's weekend, it makes me believe that you do not care at all about my well being and makes me wonder why I put up with you the rest of the year.

Jim, you are acting childlike when you insist that I get up from my rest at the fire to serve you, when our son is right there and willing to help you.

Jim, if you continue to throw a fit about home care coming in to give me a break, I will look into assisted living for you. I cannot provide everything you need. Perhaps if you are in a care facility, we can go back to being husband and wife, not care giver and complainer.

Jim, You know you are right. I really wonder why I am staying when all you do is demand more and more of me. Perhaps it is time to talk to a divorce lawyer.

Try different male home health aides. Just have them come to the house to “review” what you’re doing to “help out with giving tips”. Get his feedback. Maybe he’ll kind of like one of them. If he even slightly doesn’t complain about one of them, have them over for more reasons while you’re there. A few times in, leave the room to go do something. Keep leaving longer & go outside then after a few more times go on a short errand. Eventually he can get accustomed & feel more secure so that hopefully you can come & go & even take your annual trip. Good luck.

Let him complain. Just agree and keep conversation short, then go anyway - and preferably, more often! You might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

And no, he can't empathise. So don't ask him to be happy you're going, just don't let it stop you.

You have said he has narcissistic character traits. This is not likely to change. You will have to deal with his outburst. And just go. The person taking care of him should be made aware of how he will react. You certainly deserve to have a break. It sounds as if he is pretty cognitively intact. But he can’t empathize if he is narcissistic. But he can understand that he is dependent on you. You have not said what his physical condition is. How helpless is he? Is he likely to harm himself? If so, that is a different situation.

Been there. Survived. I learned that discussing things was futile. Walk away. I admitted my husband to an ACF on Thursday. There’s no one here yelling at me. Do you have a POA? If not, get one NOW.

I'd suggest that you don't "discuss" the idea with him - obviously, it's not working. I'd hire someone and simply let in your substitute when he/she gets there. Then introduce him in glowing terms, i.e. 'this is so-n-so; he's a wonderful story-teller, singer, gardener, or whatever would be most flattering to him. Make this very quick and stay cheerful. Don't linger, just tell your husband that you'll be back soon and then leave.

Manipulation = hubby.
Nothing can be done to change his behaviors because his behaviors have worked for him for his entire life and throughout your marriage.
The only thing you CAN DO is change your behaviors. STOP "reassuring" him. And arrange for outside help to ease your workload. Changing your responses and reactions, collectively will help you to break free from his guilt-tripping influences/capabilities.

Thank ALL of you. My kids and friends tell me the same things. I’ve just got to toughen up. All of you are so correct. My son is here so I’m having some quiet time out by a fire. My husband calls me in cause he wants me inside as well, also wants some medicine. I told him that his son is right there and can get him what he wants(which my son didn’t know why he called me or he would have intercepted). I’m back outside

So many people come on this board trying to make the person they care for HAPPY all the time. Not possible. In fact, some people just don't want to be happy.

Think of it this way....no one goes to a job 24/7. Most people work 5 days a week and have two days off...to get a break. Or they take a vacation....to get a break. How is this any different? You can't do the same thing day after day and not get a little break here and there.

He will be unhappy no matter what so you might as well do what makes you happy. Why is his happiness more important than yours? If he pouts, get up and leave the room. Make it clear you will no longer listen to his tirades about how you 'left him'. He probably won't change so you have to change how you react.

You mention your Husband is a stroke survivor, among his other health issues in your profile.

It could be anxiety/fear, lack of insight of his level of care, lack of empathy to understand your side of things, all of this & more.

Ater a stroke, my Mother is similar. Apparently it happens quite a bit with brain injuries( of which stroke is considered to be). She cannot understand why Dad wants to go the shops for 30 mins on his own without taking her in her wheelchair, let alone he recover from an operation in peace or take a trip. Sadly, empathy & insight are now quite diminished. Dad was told to book carers (ie non-him) so he could get a break. To do what was NEEDED, not just what she wants.

I always ask if it passes the *reasonable* test. Is it reasonable a fulltime caregiver gets regular breaks, a weekend away now & then? Absolutely yes indeed.

Tell him it's Doctor's orders that you get a break. Do it.

You know what? There are no answers that you are going to like.

I will tell you anyway, just as others told me about my mom.

My husband and daughters always told me, “Your mom will complain no matter what, so do what YOU want to do. Everyone needs a break!”

Arrange care for him. Take your trip! Don’t answer your phone! Have a great time!!!

When you return, wear earplugs or headphones.

I could have written this. I have no advice,