Hi. I'm my mom's caregiver and have been for 3 years. I'm constantly feeling like I'm being micromanaged. She needs 24/7 care. We live in the same household and I rarely get respite so her complaining about how I'm doing things frustrates me and sends me into anger. It's not all the time but it's enough where it makes me feel defensive, combined with burnout, I’m really just tired. I know that before she had her accident she was pretty independent and opinionated on how things should be done but it seems like her opinionated attitude has gotten worse and shifted into what and how I operate my life and how I care for her. I try to be understanding that it's difficult not being independent anymore, I try to allow her space to grieve that. I don't want to put her in a senior home. I generally enjoy having her with me, I just need help to phrase that I don't like being micromanaged and it needs to stop and how to actually make that happen. An example is she comments on my driving, if I should slow down, have my blinker on, wipers, etc. Which drives me insane. I've never had an accident and I used to drive kids from school to the after-school program that I worked at. She also complains on the order of how I clean, even when I should take out the trash and how to tie the bag, my thoughts are that it shouldn't matter, it gets done just fine with how I do it. I just want more peace between us.
The next time she does the backseat driving thing, stop the car. Tell her you won't start again until she stops the comments. If she starts again, tell her she will need to make other transportation arrangements, and stick to it.
Read the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.
You don't have to, and shouldn't, put up with this behavior.
My mother has always been a bit like this--though she's mellowed quite a bit over time, if that gives you any hope. (An example: When I was young she'd ask if I was wearing a slip with my skirt. If I lied and said yes, she would literally reach her hand up my skirt. Compared to that era, she is now a super chill lady.)
But she'll never be completely *not* like this. So I try to focus on what's within my control (such as the sight-line thing).
When someone is burned out and exhausted even the littlest of things can send us into a tizzy, and that is what's happening with you.
So the first thing that has to happen is that mom needs to hire some in home help(with her money of course)to give you the much needed time off to do things that you enjoy and so you can step away from the situation for a short time. You'll be amazed how just getting away for a few hours at a time can rejuvenate your soul and help you continue on this caregiving journey with your mom.
You will then be able to much better handle the petty little things she says and start enjoying your time with her.
So make sure that once some in home help is in place that you in fact are taking advantage of that and getting out with family and friends and doing things that bring you joy.
I believe that once you've made yourself a priority by taking better care of yourself that you'll better be able to handle whatever your mom throws your way.
Until then have a heart to heart conversation with your mom and remind her that you're doing the very best you can and that if she doesn't like the way you're doing things that it's either time for her to hire full time in-home help for herself(again with her money)or time for her to move into an assisted living facility. And mean it. Even though she's your mom you still must stand your ground and set your boundaries.
You must remember that someone can only "micromanage" you if you allow them to. So quit allowing it.
You are raising your sister. (does your sister help out at all?)
Other than "mobility problems" what conditions does your mother have that she needs 24/7 care?
At 68 if this continues you might be caring for her for another 20 years!
If you are doing things for her that she can do for herself STOP!
Have you looked into Assisted Living for her? She would get help when she needed it.
If mom is cognizant when she gets on your case when driving tell her if she does not stop you pull the car over when it is safe and tell her to get in the back seat.
When she complains on your cleaning...hand her the dust cloth, the vacuum or the broom. Let her clean as best she can.
Let her take out the trash.
If she doesn't have a cognitive problem she will eventually get the hint. If she does have a cognitive problem, then you will have successfully learned how to ignore her behavior and remember that it is her condition that is causing it.
Your profile only says she has mobility problems, which doesn't mean she needs a minder 24/7 unless she is a quadriplegic. Talk to a social worker for her county to see if she qualifies for any in-home services or transportation, etc. You need to force her to become at least semi-independent from you.
You can have a discussion with her that if she doesn't stop grinding you to a pulp that you'll look into facility care for her (which may be the best option in reality). Maybe that will wake her up. But don't make any threats you aren't ready and willing to carry out.
BetterHelp.com is affordable, accessible counseling with online therapists. Maybe consider talking to one who can help you find and defend strong boundaries so that you can make life-saving decisions in your complicated situation. I wish you all the best as you reclaim your life.
Gretchen Staebler has written a wonderful memoir about returning home to the PNW to care for her aging mother. She did this care for 5 years in home. Her mother died at 102. I recommend her book to you as the power and control struggle started on day one and honestly it never ended. It is not a sad book and is full of even some funny moments, but I doubt many would take on living together after reading it, and Gretchen had the help of two sisters, one who lived in the same town.
You have written a question really with no good answer, because these things don't change.
First time, he did it her way, resentment in his stance.
Next time I saw the same situation, he said I am doing this. So I am doing it MY way. If YOU want to do it your way - YOU do it.
He was a grown man. He knew how to use a microwave & read packet instructions.
Anxiety at giving over control.
I would say give control & choice to your Mother where you can. She may have lost so much.. keeping choices where she can may help.
Then you decide things where you need to. Eg which shirt do you want to wear today?
(How you wash the shirts will be your decision).
Even in the most loving relationships this behavior occurs. Too much togetherness is a recipe for disaster.
I went through what you are describing. It’s extremely difficult to deal with on a daily basis.
Our parents become set in their ways. They aren’t interested in doing things differently at this point in their lives.
We can tune them out or we can tell them that they are driving us nuts. Trust me, I did both!
What works for some people, doesn’t necessarily work for others. Caregiving is NEVER a ‘one size fits all’ kind of deal.
I am not going to repeat the advice already given to you by other posters. I will say that I have walked in your shoes and I feel your pain. Please try to schedule regular breaks. It will greatly help you and your mom cope easier.
Take care.
I chose to do what your mother did with my daughters. I wanted them to know that I had faith in their capabilities to do things.
I told my daughters that I was there if they needed me but I don’t have any desire to be overbearing in their lives.
I would feel uncomfortable micromanaging my children. It’s really uncomfortable to have someone who is looking over our shoulders every minute of the day.