I live with mother as she lost most of her sight due to glaucoma. Because of that she cannot leave the house alone and the lost of independence got her profoundly depressed.
It's been almost 3 years, and she refuses to put the glaucoma eye drops, go to the doctor, checkups, etc. During these te there have been other urgent health episodes of different kind and after the emergency is over she says she'll follow her medical plan and treatment, go to the doctor, etc. But once she feels better she doesn't. She has lost lots of weight and neglects her health. I feel I'm not doing enough.yet, I'm tired as she doesn't cooperate and I cannot and don't want to force her. She was always manipulative, but nowadays she's been worse: telling me I'm crazy, abusive, I don't give her enough time, in short "you are the problem not me". I feel exhausted and desperate as I really want to help her but sometimes seems impossible. When I try to talk to her about following her treatments, going to checkups etc she starts a fight, and sometimes I lose my temper and feel super guilty.
If I had a dime for every time I said that here on Forum I would be on my way to wealth.
What you feel more is the exhaustion and a lot of grief for this situation.
Feel what you may, this situation will not change.
Clearly your Mom should be in care. Clearly she doesn't want to be.
And you have, by living with her, enabled her to do as she pleases.
She is reaping what she has sown, and there's nothing to change that.
I don't know if you live with your mother or she with you, but whatever the case is, as long as that remains the case this will be your life. Your mother has chosen her life. Will you choose a life for yourself now? Because the choice is yours. No one else can make it for you.
I am very sorry for all you are suffering in this.
Your profile says she has dementia, which is a progressive disease and not curable. Dementia causes people to lose their abilities of reason, logic, judgment, empathy and inhabitions. They lose their social skills, self-control, memory, sense of time, etc etc.
You will need to be the one to change -- not her -- since she is far less able to (if at all). Knowing this, there seems to be only 2 solutions: you change how your expectations of her or you move her somewhere else. FYI Teepa Snow has some very helpful videos on YouTube about dealing with LOs with dementia.
If she doesn't have the money to pay for AL, and if you aren't even her PoA, then consider contacting social services to see what the recommend. If your Mom has a health crisis, call 911 and have her taken to the ER. There you can tell them she is an "unsafe discharge" because you aren't her PoA and she's uncooperative. Ask to talk to a social worker there to see if placement directly from the hospital is possible. The county will acquire guardianship for her and place her and her needs will be taken care of and you can visit her wherever she lands.
I'm so sorry for the exhausting and stressful situation you're in... you have plenty of company on this forum, and lots of good advice and wisdom from people who have been there and done that. May you receive peace in your heart on this journey.
I think I would also start looking for a facility for Mom to live in sooner rather than later . With Mom’s dementia she will get even more difficult to live with. Don’t feel guilty . You are doing enough . Your mother will be unreasonable because of dementia .
My mother was always manipulative as well and became totally unreasonable and uncooperative as her dementia progressed . She would do nothing I asked of her , bathing , showering , eat anything besides cookies. The doctor told me that my mother would never do as I asked her to do and that she had to go live in a facility . My mother felt that her daughter should not be telling her what to do . The doctor said many people with dementia will not listen to family and need to be taken care of by strangers .
I've made an appointment. We are going this morning. With the primary Doctor as a checkup is due. It will help ME know what the pills/drops are for. Afterwards we'll go get a nice coffee/icecream/lunch.
Kind of a stretched truth + bribe approach.
PS Write a dot point letter of the main issues for the Doctor. Deliver a week before. Eg
* refusing eye drops
* losing weight
* appears depressed
Take a copy of the letter with you on appointment day too - but an experienced Doctor knows how to ask the questions.
I think many of us can relate to how you feel.
While I empathize greatly with someone who is older and is losing their independence, at some point they have to come to terms with their limitations in life.
I am 68. I don’t have the same stamina as I did when I was younger.
I am still able to clean my own home. I do move at a slower pace than I did before. When I no longer feel like I can keep up, I will hire a housekeeper.
I don’t ever want to be a burden on anyone. I will do whatever I need to do so I won’t irritate my children.
There were times when my mom became frustrated that she couldn’t do things that she could before she aged. It is frustrating and depressing for them. If dementia becomes part of the mix, it is even more challenging for them and for us.
Some parents struggle with giving up their authority and want us to agree with all of their decisions. This behavior is irritating and does become unnerving. It’s natural for you to lose your patience at times. Give yourself some grace instead of feeling guilty.
Wishing you peace as you navigate through this difficult period in your life. Engage the help of others when you need it. We can’t be expected to be the solution for all of our parent’s issues.
Trust your instincts and do whatever you feel is best. Your mom doesn’t get to have the last word when she isn’t capable of being rational.
Arlette.
You do not have to tolerate abuse from her or anyone else. Caregiving only works when it's done on the caregiver's terms nd not the care recipient's.
So show mom a little tough love. If cannot being herself to treat you with the respect you deserve for helping her, then she can find someone else to do for her.
Granted, losing independence is hard. It's terrible to not be able to do the basic things you used to do without thinking about them. That still does not give a person a free pass to behave abusively to anyone.
My father lived to be 91 years old and had bad glaucoma for 40 years. He did not lose his vision because he was religious about using his eye drops and seeing the doctor regularly. He'd had about 10 eye surgeries over the years, all successful, again due to him being fastidious about following instructions for recovery.
Your mother is now mostly blind and failing to thrive because she has dementia and isn't having her feet held to the fire about medical issues. You forcing her to take care of herself would only result in more fighting because elders with dementia cannot use logic or reason anymore, and cannot understand why certain things need to be done. Your best bet would be to place her in Skilled Nursing care where they'd take control over her daily care and medication administration. Or else back off and allow mom to pass at home on her terms. Which isn't such a terrible thing, really, since she's mostly blind and dealing with dementia. That's no life for anyone. My mother had advanced dementia and died in 2022 at 95 which was a blessing. She's finally at peace and whole again.
You really can't save mom at this point all by yourself. Unless you place her and even then, if it's vascular dementia she suffers from, that only has about a 5 or 6 year life span to it.
I hope you can find some time for yourself while caring for mom. Allow yourself some grace, too, because you're human and the stress of all this is real.