I am honestly at my wits end. My mom is 88 and my dad is 90. They live in a two story home with the primary bedroom being upstairs and no full bath downstairs. Mom has lost all interest in bathing, cooking, cleaning, going to church… all the things she used to do all the time. Definite signs of dementia but the hard part is now that I am trying to help them get into an older adult living community she is resistant. My dad wants to, but he tries to keep the peace so he goes along with what she says. Any help or advice?
You do not need to tell your Mom anything until they day they move.
I'm hoping your parents have assigned PoAs... if not this is a guaranteed problem when trying to manage their future care and affairs.
You will not convince anyone here of anything at all.
It is useless to attempt to and I would imagine your attempts have gone on long enough now for you to have an inkling of that.
Let me ask you if you are POA for these two? Or for even your father?
At some point you and your Dad need the hard talk. Your mother needs a diagnosis from her doctor (perhaps a neuro-psyc consult). You may want to have this talk with Dad and her doctor if HE is POA or only next of kin.
She will not agree to the placement.
If her AGREEMENT is the only circumstance where this is to be done
then this WILL NOT BE DONE, and given that you will have to make other plans.
That may include getting home care in home. If there is not income for that then a reverse mortgage would be good here. It would perhaps sustain these two in their home while they live out their lives, then be paid off when they enter care, and the proceeds pay for the care.
There are some options here FOR THE FUTURE because for now they are not going anywhere until a crisis comes. And it WILL.
The options for their future greatly depends on their assets and what the future brings.
I would buy yourself an hour of time with an Elder Law Attorney or a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice to talk through the facts, the assets, the future and present options.
I sure do wish you the best. You are right where so many on this Forum are. When my brother got Lewy's dementia and made me his POA/Trustee I was SOOOO relieved that after talking and exploring the options he agreed with me that ALF was best for him, because any disagreement with an elder moving into aging and dementia is a no win situation with a whole lot of grief on all sides.
I wish you the best of luck and hope you will update us.
it’s so hard to make these decisions…. It feels like I’m the bad guy. 😕
My parents are self-sufficient in their two-story home. Clearly, I maybe didn’t answer some things correctly, but I don’t believe there’s any reason to be rude.
I do have power of attorney.
Thank you for your helpful counsel. I appreciate it.
If your parents have the financial resources, aging in place could be a great option. Many older adults prefer staying in their own homes, and with the right modifications (like adding a full bath downstairs or installing stairlifts), it can be made much safer for them. You can also bring in home care services to assist with activities like bathing, cooking, and cleaning, allowing your mom to stay in her familiar environment while still receiving the care she needs. It can help preserve their independence while offering the support they need.
If resources are limited, there are options like Medicaid or VA benefits that might cover in-home care services. Medicaid’s Home and Community-Based Services (HCBS) waiver programs can sometimes pay for personal care or homemaker services in the home, depending on your state. If your dad is a veteran, the Veterans Aid & Attendance benefit can also help cover in-home care costs.
Involving their primary care physician (PCP) is essential. They can assess your mom's cognitive health and may be able to help by discussing the importance of care, safety, and well-being with her, which might reduce some of her resistance. Sometimes, hearing it from a medical professional can make a difference.
Finally, offering choices rather than pushing them into one decision may help reduce friction. If aging in place is presented as an option with a solid care plan, it might ease the transition in the future.
”Darling daughter will be picking me up for lunch and a tour of XYZ tomorrow. Would you like to come?”
My dad at one stage stopped bathing cooking - did surface cleaning. It wasnt dementia -
he was tired and we found out he had underlying health issues - wearing him down. We altered few things to help him.. so for bathing we replaced it with bowl with water and a little disinfectant and flannel to wipe down - helped apart form private areas and left the room or turned around. He still make excuses but we insisted on his daily wipe downs and helped him change (turned to allow him dignity for private areas... but enabled us to see how much he was struggling - what a chore it was lifting his arms for instance. How long it took to change. We purchased a size larger on clothes to get in and out of faster and that helped. When we are in pain /aching its hard to feel like socialising. We insisted on dad sitting in the garden for short periods now and again and enjoyed a chat until he was suggesting it himself as he started to feel better. For my dad it proved he had a heart issue so there was an underlying reason why he felt extra tired. We got additional aids to hep him - 3 prong walking stick - disposable undies - they all help. Sometimes correct whats underneath (unless of course it is dementia) and a lot of other stuff starts to fix as a domino effect. I'd contact a few places and ask if they can have a night to test so to speak or visit? Its not going to be plain sailing - it wasnt with my dad - he even accused my sister of bullying him - later he thanked her and acknowledged her efforts. So bear with it.
Another route is to organise a care person to come in - non negotiable or doctor and they can assess/advise further. Good luck