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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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"I am caring for my mother Sue, who is 86 years old, living at home with anxiety, arthritis, and depression."
As we age and decline, people do generally have more health issues, and those issues are more difficult and take longer from which to recover.
When the very elderly don't have enough to going on in the course of a day to occupy their minds, they focus more on themselves since their worlds have become much smaller with less variety to distract them.
Then there's always illness as a way to get attention (because bad attention is better than no attention at all). She may not consciously realize she's doing it. My MIL was famous for this (before she became elderly due to a dysfunctional marriage) until we decided to just change the subject every time she tried to make it about her health issues (which were not true medical emergencies). This is called "extinguishing" the behavior. It worked.
Hypochondria can lead to the "crying wolf" dilemma when she does have a legitimately concerning problem, so whomever is her MPoA or main caregiver will just need to not get too cynical about her complaints.
By referring her to her own doctor. Because you really aren't qualified to judge. Your mistake in thinking a complaint of hers is without merit could be a costly mistake. Let Mom's MD handle this.
Send her to the hospital for the 'emergencies'. Call 911. There are certain 'emergencies' when it comes to dealing with elderly people that really are the farthest you can get from being real ones. Casper's mother should certainly be seeing her doctor regularly. She should also be living in a safe home environment with her son keeping an eye on things. That's appropriate care. No one has to give another person their undivided attention every waking moment of the day. No one has to be part of someone's drama because they want attention for some fabricated "emergency".
Several years ago, an old friend told me that her mother was always complaining about her stomach. My friend believed that her mother was a hypochondriac. A couple of years later, I casually bumped into my old friend and asked about her mother. She said: "my mother died of stomach cancer last year". Not long ago, I found out that my old fried also died from stomach cancer. Hypochondriacs are not immune to real disease. Be careful!
You need to give more specifics if you want replies. What is her age, what she complains about etc.? Your question is too broad without any background information unless you posted it in your profile.
Casper, is your Dad still alive and living in the home? Its been 3 years since you last post so Moms 89 now?
I don't think Mom is going to change at this point. Its you who has to change. Except this is who Mom is for whatever reason. Set boundries for yourself. You received some good answers back in 2019. I don't think we could add much to it.
As Geaton says on this thread, you have to "extinguish" the behavior. When she starts complaining about her health or working herself up to get attention and there's no real emergency, totally ignore her. Walk away. I call this 'Ignoring With Love'. My mother sounds very much like yours. Her anxiety, arthritis, and depression has been going on my entire life. From the time I was a little kid I lived in a constant state of crisis. My mother who is elderly now has been actively dying for nearly 50 years now. Old people will often fabricate an "emergency" be it a staged health crisis or some other kid to get attention. Sometimes it's more than that though. They're miserable and want others to share in it. You know what they say. Misery loves company. Do what I do. When mother isn't getting enough attention she'll work herself up into a real scene. She'll carry on like a lunatic, singing as loudly as she can while rocking back and forth. This isn't dementia because she's been doing this and worse to get attention since I was a little kid and I'm almost 50. I hand her a phone and tell her to call her other daughter or 911 and I walk away. You should do the same. Protect your own sanity and mental health. Your mother is not more important than you. Try doing this and see if the complaining and crying wolf decreases. It will if her behavior does not result in attention. I've been a caregiver for many years as employment and to many people. When I went into private caregiving, I had many clients who would call me repeatedly with some "emergency". I always made it clear to every client that I don't take work calls after hours unless it's for a cancellation of services and if there is a real emergency call 911. I had one client, an old lady who left around 30 voicemails on my phone in a matter of a few hours. When I showed up to work the next day, I told her to never call me again after hours and if she did I would not work for her anymore. I dropped her from my service because she didn't stop. I had another who called me crying the 'I've fallen and can't get up'. I called the paramedics and sent them to her house. She answered the door. Her plan was watch for my car to pull into the driveway then get on the floor so I'd find her laying there when I came in (I knew where the spare key was). She got a bill for the ambulance because it wasn't an emergency. You have to understand something that many people don't get when it comes to elderly people. You do not have to be the whole world and everything to your mother or the care clients. You do not have to give them your undivided attention every waking moment of the day, or respond to their attention-seeking fake emergencies in order to be a good caregiver.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
"I am caring for my mother Sue, who is 86 years old, living at home with anxiety, arthritis, and depression."
As we age and decline, people do generally have more health issues, and those issues are more difficult and take longer from which to recover.
When the very elderly don't have enough to going on in the course of a day to occupy their minds, they focus more on themselves since their worlds have become much smaller with less variety to distract them.
Then there's always illness as a way to get attention (because bad attention is better than no attention at all). She may not consciously realize she's doing it. My MIL was famous for this (before she became elderly due to a dysfunctional marriage) until we decided to just change the subject every time she tried to make it about her health issues (which were not true medical emergencies). This is called "extinguishing" the behavior. It worked.
Hypochondria can lead to the "crying wolf" dilemma when she does have a legitimately concerning problem, so whomever is her MPoA or main caregiver will just need to not get too cynical about her complaints.
Are you *on call*? To attend any symptom/illness/event? Maybe as driver to the doctors/emergency care?
Or is symptoms a favorite topic of conversation? Or worse, ONLY topic?
There are certain 'emergencies' when it comes to dealing with elderly people that really are the farthest you can get from being real ones.
Casper's mother should certainly be seeing her doctor regularly. She should also be living in a safe home environment with her son keeping an eye on things.
That's appropriate care. No one has to give another person their undivided attention every waking moment of the day. No one has to be part of someone's drama because they want attention for some fabricated "emergency".
Hypochondriacs are not immune to real disease. Be careful!
Casper, is your Dad still alive and living in the home? Its been 3 years since you last post so Moms 89 now?
I don't think Mom is going to change at this point. Its you who has to change. Except this is who Mom is for whatever reason. Set boundries for yourself. You received some good answers back in 2019. I don't think we could add much to it.
I call this 'Ignoring With Love'. My mother sounds very much like yours. Her anxiety, arthritis, and depression has been going on my entire life. From the time I was a little kid I lived in a constant state of crisis. My mother who is elderly now has been actively dying for nearly 50 years now.
Old people will often fabricate an "emergency" be it a staged health crisis or some other kid to get attention. Sometimes it's more than that though. They're miserable and want others to share in it. You know what they say. Misery loves company.
Do what I do. When mother isn't getting enough attention she'll work herself up into a real scene. She'll carry on like a lunatic, singing as loudly as she can while rocking back and forth. This isn't dementia because she's been doing this and worse to get attention since I was a little kid and I'm almost 50.
I hand her a phone and tell her to call her other daughter or 911 and I walk away. You should do the same. Protect your own sanity and mental health. Your mother is not more important than you.
Try doing this and see if the complaining and crying wolf decreases. It will if her behavior does not result in attention.
I've been a caregiver for many years as employment and to many people. When I went into private caregiving, I had many clients who would call me repeatedly with some "emergency". I always made it clear to every client that I don't take work calls after hours unless it's for a cancellation of services and if there is a real emergency call 911. I had one client, an old lady who left around 30 voicemails on my phone in a matter of a few hours. When I showed up to work the next day, I told her to never call me again after hours and if she did I would not work for her anymore. I dropped her from my service because she didn't stop. I had another who called me crying the 'I've fallen and can't get up'. I called the paramedics and sent them to her house. She answered the door. Her plan was watch for my car to pull into the driveway then get on the floor so I'd find her laying there when I came in (I knew where the spare key was). She got a bill for the ambulance because it wasn't an emergency.
You have to understand something that many people don't get when it comes to elderly people. You do not have to be the whole world and everything to your mother or the care clients. You do not have to give them your undivided attention every waking moment of the day, or respond to their attention-seeking fake emergencies in order to be a good caregiver.