My dad (60) has been showing significant mental decline for a little over a year now. It started last year in August of 2023, he met someone online that’s clearly a scammer and has scammed him out of thousands of dollars. I have given him proof that this woman is not real (reverse searching her images- they were of some 19 year old porn star) and not to mention all the times he’s gone to meet this woman and she has some bull**** excuse like she was in the hospital cuz she has leukemia, which magically cured itself. No matter what, he is in denial about it and insists she’s real. And my dad is on SSI, he’s not a rich man by any means at all. He has put himself into debt and left himself with no money from sending it to this person.
Since then, he now believes that people are following him, that they’re drugging him, trying to kill him, and it’s gotten to the point that he thinks we (me, my mom, my sister, and other friends) are “in on it”. This is mostly what I am worried about. He threatens random people that are just trying to go about their day, but since they drove next to him or looked at him for a second, in his head that means they’re part of it. He carries a knife around with him and he’s pulled it on people before. He’s going to get himself shot or actually end up killing someone or something. He’s also threatened suicide on multiple occasions.
It’s getting way out of hand and becoming very hard to deal with. He’s become a danger to himself and others. He does have brain damage from an accident many years ago and he has been an alcoholic for his whole life pretty much. That being said, he doesn’t drink much anymore. Maybe 1 or 2 drinks a day. We think this is early signs of dementia but are unsure.
We have no idea where to even start to get help for him. I want to have him committed, honestly, but idk how to even begin that process. At the very least, he needs a psych evaluation. That’s what I know for sure. I just don’t know who to contact about that.
Any help is much appreciated! I just want him to be ok.
You get hold of the hospital social worker and tell them that he is a danger to himself and others.
Tell the hospital that discharge home would be an "unsafe discharge".
He could have a medical reason for his behaviors, and could possibly be treatable. This is a reason to make up a therapeutic fib to get him in to see his primary doctor (and one of you goes with him and discretely passes a pre-written note to the staff telling them about his history of alcoholism and continued use, his paranoia, his aggression, his loss of reason and logic, etc. They will be happy to accommodate you. I have done this with both my MIL and Mom.)
All possible weapons should be removed from his home (even cooking knives should be hidden). If he is still married and lives with your Mom, she needs to do whatever it take to protect her half of the money before he is scammed out of all of it.
FYI a person is still an alcoholic if they are "only" drinking 2 a day... those are 2 that you see or he's confessing to. It's more than that, I'm sure. If you want to know if he's still an alcoholic, remove all of it from the home and tell him everyone is participating in a week-long sober time (for "health" reasons, or whatever you want to tell him). See how he reacts and what he does next. Smell his breath everyday. Search his room.
Please consider taking your Mom to Al-Anon meetings for support and to learn healthy boundaries. I'm so sorry for this distressing situation. May you all receive wisdom and peace in your heart as you work to help him and protect yourselves.
ANY threat to you or a family member warrants a call to 911
If you see him threaten anyone else, on the road, on the sidewalk you call 911.
If he threatens suicide you call 911
There is a dementia brought on by alcohol abuse.
If he is a Veteran you can call the VA there is a special number or prompt as soon as you call the VA that will direct your call. (Or you can call the Veterans Crisis Line.. dial 988 then Press 1 this is a National number. You can also call 1-800-273-8255)
Being scammed is likely to enter the DSM-5 soon enough as a mental condition such as hoarding and believing in conspiracy theories. There is no convincing anyone, often even after deep therapy with good psychologists, that the scam is not real. It is a sort of fantasy land akin to mental illness that someone, no matter the age, enters and cannot exit.
That this has all moved now into the realm of paranoid ideation and violence is of even more concern.
You are very unlikely to be able to get him committed even long enough for diagnosis unless you are willing to LIE. I would be. And that lie will have to include his being a danger to self (as in threatening to harm himself). He will say he never said it and go ballistic. They will believe you because you will be remaining calm and sticking to your lie. Even this drastic action will only get you a 5150 hold for 72 hours in which you will tell social workers and MDs all the aboce.
You will have to scurry in to talk to social workers to find out what can be done. Sad truth? Likely almost nothing. But this may at least get a basic physical to rule out stroke, hormone imbalance, electrolyte crisis of low sodium, diabetes, UTI. And may get a psyc evaluation. If you get those things accomplished you are looking at a minor miracle.
You are unlikely to get conservatorship of this man. More on why you don't WANT it, later. The courts are loathe to take a citizen's rights from him. They will discharge him on meds and call him "stable" and he won't take them and will descend again into this state or possibly even worse, as his paranoid delusions now will be proven to him and YOU will enter the realm of the enemy.
You are likely dealing with a combo of things here, all mental illness related. This doesn't sound like dementia to me.
You will be helpless to help it and should at once join a support group for families of the mentally ill.
Also read Never Simple, the memoir by Liz Scheier about her mother's mental illness. She tried for many decades to help the woman along with the auspices of the entire city and state of New York. All to no avail. The woman died after spending her life in skid row housing or homeless.
I am sorry to level the tough stuff all over you when you are suffering but the facts are dire here. Please go to support communities for the families of mentally ill wherever you can find them. They are the ONLY ones who will provide you good tips and clues.
A 5150 72 hour hold is the best I can offer you and I have to tell you that you will have to LIE like a RUG to get it.
I hope you will update us. I have mental illness in my extended family. When out of control it is utterly impossible to deal with in our society. They have in their wisdom closed down any asylums and as judges now say "It isn't against the law to be mentally ill". And it is my guess here that you are dealing with mental illness; if you're dealing with early onset Alzheimer's this is a very unusual presentation.
There is little violent acting out in that. This sounds like mental illness and they now believe that bipolar is occurring in diagnosed patients 25% of the time over age 50.
You need a diagnosis. I am of the rather nefarious mind set that no matter how drastic the measure to get that diagnosis, they are legitimate in terms of hoping for some way to deal.
Back to the guardianship of conservatorship issue with an elder in this condition?
He's uncooperative and will always be so, and it is a nightmare of unimaginable proportions to take that on (again read L. Scheier's book). Once you get guardianship you can only be excused (quit) from it by a judge, and they will NOT let you quit. Even when ill. So I would say it is a death wish to take on such a thing.
Not everything can be helped. Not everything can be fixed. I hope this can. But not everything can.
Practice the serenity pray as your mantra, your chant. And I say that as an atheist.