My husband had a heart attack last week and had blood clots in both lungs and both legs. I’m caring for him and can’t deal with my parents issues right now. I have asked/begged ALF to call one of my brothers instead, but they keep calling me (two brothers and I’m the only daughter). I’m getting a call a day about falls Mom or Dad have had. I live a state away and can’t leave my husband alone right now. The stress from these calls has been overwhelming.
Got advice to get a lawyer to draft a letter to change who is primary and secondary to get these calls. Anything else I should do to make it stop while I care for my husband?
All 3 of us kids are burned out by having both parents cry wolf for the past 12 years, that it’s hard to determine what is a real situation vs what is attention seeking.
I moved our parents to an ALF last year so they would have more support than the senior apartment complex offered. Mom has continuously called me to complain about it and has been verbally abusive to me. She has told extended family I am awful for making them move. I have had to block some of her friends so they cannot call me to further harass me.
Mom has serious health issues, but will feign illness to get attention (always has since I can remember). Dad has dementia and is verbally abusive to Mom and us kids (again, this is a long held pattern).
I have let calls go to voicemail. They then call my husband (obviously not ok right now).
I need my brothers to be “it” for now and have told them this. Neither one is stepping up to help.
I’m still working as are my brothers.
ALF calls for EMS to come out and assess parents after these falls. Parents often refuse to go to the hospital. Dad was discharged from hospital after a week and was supposed to go to rehab, but the hospitalist thought he was progressing (why, I don’t know) and Dad didn’t go to rehab, but was back in the ALF where - surprise - he has fallen every day since. Mom is currently in the hospital after her recent fall which she broke bones in her foot. She has been calling me to complain about her situation.
For now, I have blocked my parents and the ALF. I simply cannot handle their problems anymore.
It's good that you've blocked the fall calls. Don't even listen to them on voicemail. There is no point - you can't rescue, you can't be there, you have done your part as long as you could.
At this point, everyone in your family needs to be trained to find another solution to everything besides you. You can even tell them that you do not care anymore what happens to anyone but your husband. That isn't cruel or callous - it's taking care of your husband in his time of need.
I hope your husband recovers soon, and good luck with your new modus operandi.
One suggestion is to let the message go to voice mail. If the facility needs an emergency response then of course it should go next in line. Think about this...if truly an emergency then second in line can call you to tell you the news.
If a parent goes to the ER and no one can return the patient, the ER will make those arrangements.
Second, it may be time for a family conference about changing that number plus contacting the PCP about the falls. You are failing to explain to us what the family dynamic is concerning communications.
You may have to go the attorney route. And then again nothing may work. Just am very sorry for all that is on your plate and I so hope for your hubby's rapid healing.
As BIL
You should not have to get a lawyer. There should be no problem changing their records. And if this is POA thing, and a secondary is listed and this is a brother who is close by, I may step down and allow brother to take over. This will need a letter from a lawyer probably. Being a State away, you can't be expected to run to ur parents aid at a drop of a hat. I would also question why so many falls. Maybe your parents need more care than an ALF can give.
Let all calls from Al go to voicemail and listen to (or not) as you feel you have time and energy.
I don't know how the 'line of command' goes in situations like this--only how they are set up with a fall pendant on a patient.
DH routinely ignored EVERY.SINGLE.CALL. from the 'I've fallen and can't get up' alert for his mother. He let it go to his YS and she dealt with them.
The calls are routed out acc to a pre-set plan of who to call. You are probably first. I KNOW you can ignore the calls. Since your folks are in care, it's less crucial that you pick up.
If your brother won't accept the calls, well, you can't make them.
If I were in your shoes, I'd put DH first, and leave him first forever. Your parents are being cared for, what good does it do for you to race to the hospital or wherever every time they fall? Sounds like they fall a LOT.
Good Luck, you have a lot of your plate right now. At least mom and dad aren't in their home demanding your immediate attention.
I don't think rehab would have done Dad any good. He needs to be able to remember exercises and understand what is being asked of him. But I would ask the AL nurse if she can have PT ordered to be done at the facility.
As I said in my first response, your parents may need a higher level of care, Dad does. He will need Memory care eventually. He will only get worse. But, thats in the future...you take care of your husband for now. Your parents are safe where they are. Seems Mom is capable of speaking for herself and Dad. Have no idea why they need to call u.