I've been caring for him, off and on, since his accident 10 yrs ago. The man I know now is of course not the same walking man I loved back then. Besides the obvious, I really think he needs some pyschological help with this. He used to be a gentleman and decent human being. Lately, I've been verbally abused, disrespected, and demeaned for simply following his verbal directions. They are half spoken directions with mostly head nods and eye glances. So you really get a full chance to touch every part of his body he doesn't want you to. He's not trying to communicate clearer or taking any suggestions to make things easier and possibly less painful. He actually gets mad and annoyed when you bring up something that has to do with the caretaker' s duties. He woke up the other morning accusing me of ignoring his dog, (who slept with me, btw) and then accused me of abusing him for the past 4 months. I'm not the only attendant to feel his wrath either.
So for his safety and mine, I'm open to suggestions on how I can possibly help him more from the sidelines. I'm trying to find more sources for 24 hr care. I myself am now available for more than 40 hrs a week but he doesn't even want to see me anymore. My love for him, from our past and throughtout the recent years remains. I just know I'm his newest Target to focus on so besides the emotional heartache I'll be ok...I'd also like to get paid for at least a 1/4 of the time I've been there. I'm not sure which direction to go..he needs more help and support. Professional mental and professional physical help.
If he is your ex, why are you caring for him? Is he paying you? Do you have POA and an official Caregiver Agreement? Do you have another job with retirement and health benefits?
You cannot force him to accept psychiatrist or behavioral counseling. A person has to want to be helped before they will accept and participate in it.
I could not live with this constant anger and emotional and mental abuse. Where is his family and why are they not helping care for him? Even if you still love and care about him, it’s asking a lot. It may be time to speak with his family or his doctor and explore other alternative arrangements.
You should expect to get paid for ALL the time you are a caregiver for him. Why would you want only 1/4? If you were working for an agency would you accept 1/4 the pay every one else was getting?
Second.
Why are you his caregiver? Yes he is a friend (according to your profile) but being an EX significant other puts a different focus on the duties. This is one reason that "professional" caregivers and other workers in this field have "Boundaries" that they will not or should not cross.
But you are under no obligation to care for him, you can still be a friend and advocate. I am wondering if this might be a reason he is treating you badly.
Personal opinion I think you need to step back. Let family arrange caregivers.
I do not see in your comments that he has seen a doctor for his anger, anxiety or whatever other issues he has but until that is resolved I think you might be a bit to close to be an effective caregiver.
If you want to work 40 hours as a paid caregiver there are probably a dozen or more agencies in your area that would hire you in a heart beat. And you would get paid for all your hours not just 1/4 of them.
Your ex may do better in a small home that caters to younger adults with profound disabilities (particularly if money is tight). Those kinds of homes are accessible, have occupational therapy to allow your ex to learn how to make the most of what he has left, activities to keep the mind engaged, socialization opportunities, and often accommodations for limited local travel. Living a better quality of life makes it easier to recover from depression and other problems he may have developed post-injury.
Often when a person so young suffers such a profound injury, the first impulse is to remain near existing family and/or friends instead of considering a group home or perhaps moving to a larger city where more services would be available. As time passes, some to most family and friends move on with their lives and the disabled is left alone. If not physically, then a loneliness of having been left behind; others advance in jobs, marry, divorce, have children, go on vacations, etc. while the disabled is "stuck". In order to get unstuck, something needs to change. Help him make that change and you might get a lot of the "gentleman" back too.
You are so young. So much in front of you. Help him find resources then let go. You are not married to this man. You need to find a life of your own. You maybe able to be friends but you don't want to be responsible for a person with all this anger. You can show him the way, but HE has to do for himself. You don't want to enable him. He has years ahead and he needs to learn how to get thru them.
Where are his parents?