Mom & Dad are moving into Assisted Living, I have been there every weekend. I have been making the trip to my parents apartment (in a life care community) every weekend since my Dad fell last March 4. It was Christmas week that I had last seen them.
Admittedly, I had gotten a little out of touch with them. I had not realized how bad Mom's memory loss had become. On the night that Dad fell she tried to drive home from the Hospital and got lost. I had to out her in respite care while Dad was in a Nursing home.
I am the only child who lives nearby (I live and work about 70 miles a day). My two brothers and two sisters have all been down at least one time this year. Though, I have spent nearly every weekend visiting and helping out until there is a space available in Assisted Living. My Dad is my Mom's primary caregiver. His health and eyesight is failing. I mostly help with groceries, trash, recycling, pill boxes, etc. on the weekends.
In a couple of weeks, they can move. My two sisters are coming to help pack, and my younger brother will be there on the move day and for a few days after.
Once they are settled in Assisted Living, it is my hope that I can cut back on the frequency of my visits. I certainly so not want to slip back into losing touch, and I don't want them to think I am abandoning them, but a lot of what they need me for should be taken care of. What would be an appropriate frequency?
She knows us. She enjoys us while we are there. Her memory is such that she doesn't know if anyone visited her yesterday and if so who, but she does have a contented awareness that her daughters visit.
My mother is 94. She is in a nursing home. Our situation is not the same as yours, FavoriteSon. Each situation is really unique and you have to make judgments based on all the factors in your case. Your Mom and Dad have each other. They can still converse on the phone. See them in person a couple times a month might be just fine.
I think the jury is out on whether leaving them alone to settle in to their new environment is the best policy or visiting them more often to ensure they don't feel abandoned is better. If you do decide to visit more often in the beginning, try to incorporate community life. Go at a mealtime and join them in the dining room. Go with them to the live entertainment the ALF offers. Yes, visit in their rooms, too, but also get out into the community activities with them.
There is no one-size-fits-all answer. It sounds like your goal of cutting back but not losing touch is a good one. Trial-and-error will teach you how to achieve that.
Good luck!
~SS
Once the actual worry part is out of the way, suck it and see. Go as often as you guess will suit you, then vary the frequency to more or less often depending on how it goes. There aren't any rules. What suits you and makes you comfortable in your mind about them is all that matters. As you say, your parents' practical everyday needs should be being seen to; so you can concentrate on supplying the emotional bonus and just watching out for problems they might need a bit of extra help sorting out. It's all good!
Now we visit weekly often twice.
You do stay a long way off, but it is nice for them not to feel abandoned or for you to feel you're coping with however many times.
I have one question. Do your parents have access to a computer with internet and do they have the ability to get onto Skype? If not the staff at the extended care facility should be able to set them up. This way they could be in touch with ALL of their offspring, at least, every few days. I have found Skype to be such a blessing to talk face to face with my daughter who has lived overseas for five of the last eight years. She's even helped me be able to figure out how to use things on my iPhone and instructed me from afar. Best of all skype is free!! Person to person is far better but at least your siblings could visit with your parents in a more face to face manner as well as yourself. Its really up to you how often you visit but if you feel they are being well cared for and involved in the community and it is a burden for you to visit weekly then perhaps every other week would be fine if you feel your parents are happy in their new living situation.
To make sure she was being taken care of. My Mother had Alzheimer's so she couldn't tell me when something was wrong and it seemed that there was always something wrong and this was a very expensive $6300/month AL. If your parents don't have a memory issue you shouldn't need to be there as often. I agree with one of the responses that if they know you are there a lot they seem to take better care of your loved one.
My Dad is now in a Memory care facility, again very expensive. I visit about one to two times a week. Most of the time things are great but again I do find things that weren't told to me. So you need to make sure and tell them To let you know if there are problems and what I am doing is having a Family Meeting with the Executive director, nursing director, my Dad's nurse, etc. every 3 months. I just found out that my Dad hasn't been showering but wasn't told until I asked. Keep I. Touch with your parents by phone and ask questions and call the director so they know you are watching.
(She has no family - just my daughter and me.) She always wants us to take her out someplace for lunch and/or shopping. I try to call her midweek to make plans for the weekend. This is working very well for us.
First I can empathize with your reticence to visit more than over the weekends.
It's a depressing experience no matter how well our parents adjust to life at assisted living centers. I do not have this experience, yet. My mom is 90 and still lives at the original homestead that she and my late father bought in the 1950's.
From discussions with my cousins about their own experiences with placing their parents into assisted living centers I can tell you that it is/was emotionally hard on them no matter how often they chose to visit. I have a set of cousins, 4 siblings whom all lived within comfortable locale of their moms nursing home. They chose to do round the clock sibling rotation vigils from morning to night. There was always a child present in the morning when their 'mom' woke up for the day, and a child present when she was drifting off to sleep. They did this for 7 long years till Summer of 2014 when my elderly cousin decided she had suffered enough and was ready to enter her 'next life'. I have cousins who visited their mom once or twice a week, weather permitting. She lived in the Northern Mid-west. Snow storms were always an issue. I have a cousin in Michigan who visits her mom every other day or two...or once a week, weather permitting during wintertime.
With your father's current ailing health I would consider an option to switch up the caretaker/POA and transfer it to you or one of your other siblings per your fathers decision, provided he is of sound mind to do so. If your parents are not of sound mind for decision making you should have a sibling meeting and find out which of your siblings will step up to the plate to help ease your 'full plate of stress'. That not only includes round the clock care of a parent (even from a distance they can call to check in or call a neighbor if you are unavailable). Also the appointment of a POA among your set of siblings should be legally adopted. IF you feel you should be POA because you are presently overseeing everything that is happening. Then it should be so. Sometimes the siblings that live at a distance may not want the extra burden of the financial monitoring of a parent or the medical monitoring as well. Some are born to be caretakers, others are not. Don't condemn your siblings if they want no part of the care-taking rituals.
Do what you feel is best for your parents...even if you never get a solid answer from your siblings. Give them time limits and stick to the deadlines for decisions. They may b*tch later but then you can say to them that they never gave you an answer by the 'deadline' you asked for so you made the final decision. Bottom line is 'if they wanna be a part of the decision processes they better show up, step up, and communicate their opinions, advice, etc. If they do not ...don't force them to make a choice...make the choice as if you were literally the ONLY CHILD.
Hope this helps you. Good luck.
Barbara M., Author
yes to family relationships. Theyare so important and often the stress of placing a parent in a AL or LTC puts a strain on what you thought was a good relationship with your siblings. They don't go to visit or always have an excuse not to do something or one of your sibs who you thought couldn't care less is the one who is there for you and your parent in ways you never saw before. it is eye opening. I think you need to go to the facility frequently to keep an eye on what is going on. Even the very good ones sometimes miss things or let things slide. You really need to be your parent's advocate. Just like when they are in the hospital and maybe don't understand what is being said or can't remember what the doctor said. Having said that, it is important for them to have some alone time in a new place and find their own pace there. It is a balancing act. Phone calls and skype can also be beneficial if you can't get there as much as you want.
When i visit her its for myself really cause the guilt I feel if I don't wears me down. She says she is fine with just the phone calls but if I don't get out for my visits I miss seeing her sweet face.