How often should I visit my parents after they make the move?

When my father was 88 he fell and broke his hip, 110 miles away, and was admitted to a nursing home where he stayed for 2 months. I moved down there, used my accumulated sick and vacation time, and visited every single day for the entire visiting hours. It was grueling, but I thought I was doing the right thing. I was the volunteer for outings to watch him, feed him, when the nursing home did outside excursions. I sat with him during all entertainments planned, church services, etc. What it did was caused him to remain dependent on me for his entertainment and company, he didn't bond with the staff or any other patients. If I was out of sight, he bellowed for me non-stop. The Staff couldn't do anything for him because he expected ME to be there to do it. I had been taking care of most of his needs prior to his inpatient stay. The staff knew his room would be cleaned, his clothes would be fresh and changed daily and laid out for the next morning. All they had to do was feed him in the dining room and administer meds. They never got to know him as patient or as a person. I even attended the physical therapy sessions and did the exercises beside him to get him to do them, so the PT didn't have to do much coaching or helping, either. It about killed me physically. But I thought I was doing the right thing. I then brought him home here in town and kept him at home for about 6 months. I left my job, my home, my family, my husband, and started 24/7 care. What I did was cause him to be in full control, making it downright impossible to enforce medical care for him. I ignored my own health and was in a downward spiral. I had him admitted to a nearby nursing home, 35 miles one way, from our home. I decided to not visit for several weeks after talking to the social director and after extensive reading online, allowing him to adjust. And allowing the staff to get to know him 24/7 without me hovering for 10 hours a day. Now, at age 90 and after 9 months in this nursing home, with his advanced Alzheimer's and Dementia, he doesn't know how often I visit or who I am most of the time or even where he is. I visit at least once week to check on him, make sure all is okay, but I find it is harder on him when I visit since he struggles to make conversation and try to find things to talk about since his memories are few. He seems to enjoy the company and visit but I've peeped thru the windows at him and he is also very happy just being left alone now or wheeling up and down the hallways by himself. Every patient is different, I'd say visit when you feel you should. There is no set rules or guidelines or patterns, it all depends on you, your current situation (family, children, job, health, etc), and the patient's ability to receive company. But Samara and the others are right, keep on top of his meds, his needs, his room, his clothing....staff don't always do everything, they can get overwhelmed (or complacent if a family member is doing most of their work) Buy do remember that just because your family member is now in assisted living, memory care, or ALZ patient, you are still under a lot of the same stress, just because they are no longer physically with you doesn't mean that we don't still suffer daily from the stress of all of this. We still maintain their homes, bills, financials, along with our own daily needs. Continue to take care of YOU. And never let another family member or well-meaning friend make you feel negligent because you aren't there every other day for 10 hours straight. Again, do what is right for you and your in-patient family member. That schedule will change as the patient changes.

Lots of good suggestions have been shared - on a high level, I lean toward being there, doing more, etc. than what you think is necessary. Go the distance for your parents... it will help you sleep better at night. It can be a fine balance between taking care of your own life and being there for them. One thing I've learned in the past several years - it's important that I honor my parents. This can look many different ways for many different people, but I've found that I cannot always rely on the level of involvement which would satisfy me. At times, my dad and my in-laws have needed more from me, at times they have needed less. And it's not the same level of involvement with every area of their lives. Also, physical needs are just a small portion... the workers at the AL cannot replace YOU in your parents' lives.

well said, OscarAntonia. Whatever and however each of us do; it is all done with love and respect to our family member.

bettyb21. You make a good point about advocacy. That is another issue discussed in my book, "What to Do about Mama?" There are few "rights" or "wrongs." Caregiving is a constant balancing act.