I'm new to this forum but not this issue. I apologize if this has been addressed before.
To make a long story short, I'm trying to return to work after providing oversight of all affairs (initially addressing them 460 miles away while still working during 2012 - 2015 at a mid-level role, that required international travel at times) then travelling bi-monthly from my home to hers with little to no assistance from family. Remember during 2012-2015, eldercare information and online forums, especially for small towns did not exist. Women were just expected to automatically be the primary "caregiver" for parents whether they had other responsibilities or not.
My mother had a difficult personality. I was not her first choice as the Durable Power of Attorney (DPOA). In addition, I was the youngest of of three. My sister, the eldest, had been very ill for many years and unable to assist. My brother, the original DPOA, chose not to participate, and with no prior knowledge or discussion with me, rewrote the power of attorney assigning the role to me and FedExing her files to me.
My wonderful husband, who is 14 years my senior, was already retired. We already had plans for our future, but he returned to work so that I would not have to continue to work and focus on my mother's issues that escalated quickly. This included selling and emptying home to cover her care, organization of travel and medical care often across state lines and not covered by insurance as well as billing statement and contract review for errors as well as final arrangements and the distribution of all assets as per her will.
I leveraged my background in third party vendor management, project management, claims review and management as well as ICD-9 coding. I characterized the work I did for my mom as such. However, AI continues to bring up caregiving roles and returnships pertain to "mothers with gaps" which I am not and have never. I have nothing against moms but my experience was totally different.
I'm now 60 my contacts from these years are gone and I want to/need to return to work. Am I characterizing my work experience incorrectly for the work I did for the past 8-10 years the wrong way???
Open to suggestions :)
I don't see where what you did for Mom was much different in what you did for your jobs. Once a manager always a manager. It takes a well organized person with an analytical mind to do what you did. That does not change. The problem I see is technology in the last 10 yrs. Are you going to need to brush up on some skills? Bring yourself up to date on coding? Are there any Career centers near you that can help you research how things are done now?
#1. It is not legal for a POA to write a document assigning someone else as POA. A POA can "hire" a fiduciary to act, but that is almost never family. Can resign, but cannot "appoint". Now, if no one checks or cares, this is a moot point if you made things work with your documents.
#2. I would have resigned as POA in a difficult situation also. I was POA and Trustee of Trust for a brother: competent, organized, meticulous and cooperative. I would not/could not have done it otherwise. He's gone now 4 years.
No one has to accept POA for anyone. That was a CHOICE you made, for whatever reasons. And you could have resigned at any time.
#3. I do not think that your average child just "assumed caregiving". I am 81 so been around a long time. My parents are gone many decades. They made it VERY CLEAR their children were not to assume their care. Anything else is, imho, selfish. Your parents assumed their kids would take on their care; I would have corrected that assumption.
#4. I lived in Cali and my parents in Missouri. I always say, once grown up, the best thing is to move 1,000 miles away.
When you get the call from the parent: "you need to move home to care for me" you respond "Sorry; I couldn't possibly do that; I've my own life and family.".
When they say: "Then we will move to YOU" you say "No. You WON'T."
I am 81. My daughter is 62. This will NOT BE HAPPENING TO US. This "circumstance" you present as tho it was an "accident". Why won't it happen to us? Because it has been discussed in my family since I MYSELF was a child and my parents were elders living across the country.
In my family the children do not throw their own lives on the burning funeral pyres of their parents (which makes NO ONE HAPPY). The parents work hard, save all they can, hire their own care, move into care. My daughter, 62 will not be expecting this of her 25 year old son, either. These things are made clear in our family at the get-go and throughout our lives; we take care of business. It is expected.
#5. As to your poor hubby. Were I to marry a man who chose to care for his parents I would wish him the very best (again, HIS choice) and I would move on.
I would in fact perhaps remain a friend, bring by a bag of groceries, a casserole and a lovely bottle of red wine now and again. I would move on with my life with a husband with whom I would travel, see the world while we can, foster animals, garden, read, etc. These things would have been discussed before marriage. I learned that on marriage number TWO.
So no, I would not have chosen the things you chose.
I feel in aging care there truly are no good choices, but in LIVING A LIFE, we have but one imho, and I am living it the best I can for myself. It is what I was raised to do, asked to do.
The bad thing about all of this--my choices--is that I will not be caring for others (except in my professional life-long as a nurse) ; the good thing is I will not be expecting others to do that for me. In fact it would SHATTER ME to think they would do it.
You chose to take on the care of your parents. You chose to serve as POA.
Again--choices.
When you make a choice as a grownup you have to own that choice, embrace that it was your choice whether a good one or a bad one. You have to understand that it WAS the best choice you could make given who you are, how you were raised, what you knew, and etc.
You bring up a fascinating question!. I wish you had entered it in "discussions" where I think it may have had a longer life. Yours is but one choice in a world of choices we on Forum see daily.
Caregiving for a parent is totally different than caring for a child in a sense that the responsibilities that you were involved in were very technical, financial, organizational, ect - project-oriented. I think the way in which you are presenting your skills and experience in the past years is very accurate - and I wish you tons of continued success in your next endeavor - I bet you'll do great!