My first question of this forum, which has been of great help to me. Background: my mother in law moved in with my wife and I 11 months ago. Very short notice. She has Parkinsons and fell twice in 2 days. So, overnight, we went from total freedom to practically none. Some days I handle it fine, some days not so much. My wife and I hardly do anything or go anywhere together anymore. Our marriage has definitely suffered and numerous friends have told me that neither of us are the same person anymore. But I think I'm actually handling things better than my wife. In the past few months, I find her constantly losing her temper with her mom and was even swearing at her yesterday. That's NOT my wife. I resent that this is what she's turning into, and that I'm doing 99% of the work around the house, which my wife even admits to. We have a caregiver coming for a couple hours in the morning when we are both working, and one during most of the night since my MIL can be up 3-4 times to go to the bathroom. The money to pay for care comes out of her bank account. Her SS payment doesn't cover all her expenses and her savings will run out in about a year and a half. My wife thinks we should pay her expenses with part of my pension, and I say I didn't work all those years to pay for that, and this coming from someone who has always been very unselfish. Honestly, I've said to myself that I will give this living arrangement another 2 years. Then my wife will need to make a decision. Either me or her mom. I hate to think that, but I feel I/we have given enough. I'm not happy and she's not happy. Myself, I can handle, but seeing her this way really bothers me. I've highly suggested counseling to construct a long term plan but she wasn't too keen on the idea. Help!
In your mind, you’ve decided to give this arrangement 2 years. Then you will drop the bomb on your wife that if she continues to care for her mother, you’re gone. Don’t you think you should let her know about this plan? I’d say from your wife’s demeanor she’s wishing she never made the decision to care for her mother but she most likely is dealing with what we call FOG, Fear, Obligation and Guilt. She may have been told by her parents years ago that it would be up to her to care for them in their old age and she felt she had to agree.
Its ok to have an honest conversation with her and tell her this is not working out. You don’t like what this arrangement is doing to your marriage or to the both of you. Do not threaten her with divorce. Offer your support to help find other living arrangements for MIL like a facility. Under no circumstances should you be asked to foot the bill for MIL’s care. When it gets to that point, put on your Man Pants and tell your wife you are filing for Medicaid for MIL.
Get your MIL out of your house and save your marriage, your pension, your life, and your wife's life. It's that important. If she's swearing NOW, just think where things are headed! Not to mention, without your pension, your own retirement years will be wrecked! DO NOT let this happen. Please.
Best of luck!!!
Thank you for being honest and saying that having a parent living in your home definitely effects your marriage. My marriage took a hit as well. Everyone has friction in this situation. My husband and I love each other but the situation was stressful.
It’s true that we become different people because everything changes in the relationship. It changes the husband/wife relationship and it changes the parent/adult child relationship too.
For the husband and wife, privacy is gone, essentially freedom to be a couple is gone because the elderly parent becomes a priority due to their needs.
Resentment naturally builds. Your wife isn’t a horrible person. You know this. Her behavior changed because of the circumstances. You aren’t a horrible person for wanting to have your wife to yourself again.
For the parent, they still see the adult child as their ‘child.’ They resent losing their independence which is a tough adjustment and sometimes they express exerting control towards their ‘adult’ child, which is not only unfair to the ‘adult’ child in their own home but extremely frustrating to them.
So the vicious cycles continue. At least this is what we experienced. I would say it is fairly common among multi generational relationships.
Then there are criticisms from outsiders, siblings, well meaning friends, etc. who don’t have a clue what is going on. This adds to the stress.
I made a rapid emotional choice to move mom in because she was homeless after Hurricane Katrina. Looking back I wish I would have had the insight for her stay with us to be temporary.
I burned out! My sweet husband tried to tell me. My daughters tried to tell me. Friends tried to tell me. People on this forum tried to tell me. Why didn’t I hear? Because I wasn’t ready to hear. I felt that I would be failing mom. I foolishly thought I could do everything on my own. I was blind to reality.
Mom stirred things up with siblings by expressing a strong disapproval of me when I started setting boundaries in place. My siblings didn’t even bother to hear my side. They just saw a frail 93 year old with Parkinson’s disease and felt that she was right and I was wrong. I couldn’t take anymore and told them to take mom if they felt they could do better. Mind you, for nearly 15 years they barely lifted a finger to help me. It was not a ‘fairytale’ ending.
Please don’t reach the point that I did. I felt that I had to be strong by holding on but sometimes real strength comes from knowing our limitations and simply letting go. I sense from your posting that you already know this but your wife isn’t quite sure about it and is in an awkward place. It’s hard as a daughter. I had to step away to fully see the chaos. It becomes a complicated mess. I sincerely hope you find a viable solution.
My mom will be staying temporarily with my brother and his wife until they collect veterans benefits to help pay for assisted living and if she doesn’t qualify for assisted living then she will have to apply for Medicaid to enter a nursing home.
Assisted living is privately paid and a nursing home is covered by Medicaid.
Start looking at facilities that are appropriate for her. You can contact a social worker to help. Or simply start a conversation with her primary care doctor and she can lead you in the right direction.
I recommend taking her for dinner, maybe a lovely picnic in a tranquil place and tell her that you guys gave it a good shot, but it's not sustainable to care for her mom at home. Mom needs a village at this point and you are not it. Mom needs peers to interact with and she needs to be in a facility that has the expertise to care for her condition.
You aren't abandoning her, you will visit and advocate for her and be her loving daughter and not her frustrated caregiver. It is okay that she doesn't want to go, you don't want to send her, but needs must.
Your wife isn't any happier than you are having her mom in her home, she needs encouragement and validation that she is still a good daughter even though she puts her mom in a facility. It is a terrible situation to be in, you don't want to be a disappointment to your parent, but you don't want to give up your life so they don't have to do anything they don't want to. It is a breeding ground for resentment and you see that manifesting in her actions.
Call the area on aging in your area and get a needs assessment done so you know what level of care she requires, this way you can start helping your wife find the appropriate facility for now and future needs. Gently, lovingly guide her to placing mom in the village she needs.
This is as much an area that has to change as our technology.
Could you do a little research about some assisted living living facilities near by? You want to check them out first lest her first view is a bad one.
Ask her to just be be open minded about it and go with you to learn about options. There is nothing to say that one of you won’t need a facility one day. While you are there, describe your current setup and ask for guidance.
Getting your MIL’s doctors on board to recommend to your wife may also help. Have them explain to her that she will give out, she will get sick, and then who will be overseeing the best care for MIL.
Your wife has a choice to make, and it is hers alone to make. Give her your plan, your boundaries now, then the ball is in her court. It appears that she cannot see the forest thru the trees.
You cannot fix her, she has to fix herself.
Your Mom-in-law now needs a village to take care of her such as Assisted Living or a Nursing Home. In fact, Mom-in-law might like being around people of her own age group :)
And "no" you should not be paying for your Mom-in-law's care, unless you are multi-millionaires. It's expensive getting old, and you both need the money for when those rainy days do come and turn into nasty thunders storms.... [sigh].
We all know that is not true. Her mom will get good, professional care in a facility where she is safe and will better manage as she declines.
Why not suggest a Vacation to your wife, find an Assisted Living facility that meets your expectations (suggest selecting a facility that also has Memory Care and will keep mom if she has to go on Medicaid.) Place mom/MIL there for respite and go away for a week, 2 would be better.
I think you both could relax and your wife will find that placing mom in AL is not abandoning her mom. There is something about being able to be a caring daughter again and not a caregiver. She can enjoy time with her mom and not have to worry about laundry, changing beds, and all the rest of the stress that goes with caregiving.
Talk to an Eldercare Attorney get your affairs as well as MIL's in order.
Begin Medicaid applications if that is what is going to be necessary down the road.
And don't give ultimatums unless you are ready to follow through.
Do not delay, the resentment may make it you lose your wife, for good. I understood, you feel you already lost her. Let her know that, and you want her back. As a caregiver, I realize how caught up you can get in care giving.
This is a wise decision - you don't want to blow up, threaten with ultimatums, etc, just make her see some sense in at least trying AL.
I like Grandma1954's suggestion. First check out local ALs. Take tours, snoop around (go back at random times to observe), get the details (cost, what is covered, etc) and compare. Find out if any would do "respite" care, maybe a week or 2. If you can find any that would do respite, suggest to your wife she needs a break/breather and give it a try. You don't even need to take a vacation, at least not the first time. That way she can still check on mom, visit, take her for outings, etc, without worrying while away. She still gets some relief, without the worry. Once she sees mom does okay, she might be more willing to give AL a chance (of course there may be some MIL begging to go home, etc, but gently explain some work on the house was needed or some other excuse.)
You will have to get wife buy-in to this, but if you propose it as short-term to give her a break, she might be willing. We can all use a "vacation" from care-giving!
If MILs income/assets are low enough, she might qualify for Medicaid. Consult with an EC atty can help to determine if MIL would qualify for Medicaid (if mom has assets, she pays, but generally you can get a 30m+ free initial consult - have all questions ready beforehand!) The atty may even know of places that accept Medicaid and can assist with getting any/all paperwork in order, applying for Medicaid, VA benefits, etc.
Sometimes Medicaid will cover some in-home care, reducing the need to tap into your own savings/income and relieving wife's care-giving. The mistake with using your own income/assets is that if/when either of YOU need any care or run into some other financial crisis, you won't have the funds for it! When in the midst of caring for someone, we tend to forget to look ahead or consider that we may soon be the ones who need care! We are healthy now and focused on another.
When checking the ALs, inquire about Medicaid first (might be wise to get a list of all the local places and call first - skip the ones she can't afford/don't take Medicaid.) Also ask about respite care. Check those places first. There are also alternative places which are more home like which might work too. I can't find the AL search tool I located/posted before, which allowed zip code and provided a good list which gave basic info and had a filter system to narrow down choices, but if you search, there are other tools (most that I found today will email a list, so I did not take it further.)
If/when you find any part of all this overwhelming, take a breather, go for a brisk walk, get some steam out! Holding it all in, or trying to 'tough it out' might result in blowing up, and breaking your resolve to 'approach the subject when my frustration level is low'.
This is not the search tool I found before, but perhaps this can help you - copy/paste the following into search bar:
https://www.caring.com/local/search?utf8=%E2%9C%93&type=assisted-living&location=Millersburg%2C+PA
Can you arrange a week of respite and take her away somewhere so that she can get some clarity?
And no, your retirement assets should NEVER be spent on someone else's eldercare unless you are a multimillionaire, ala Joan Lunden or Suze Orman.
What about people in the past who had multiple wives? When this was a common practice do you think it made it easier on the wives because one wife did not have to ‘be everything’ to her spouse or do you think it was difficult for them because of jealousy or whatever.
Also, what about from the man’s perspective, I wonder how he decides which wife sleeps with him and how often? Is it possible to be as spontaneous as a couple that are traditional, one husband and one wife?
Interesting to think about.
Focus.
Try to help the OP.
I'm sorry to have to say this but your wife sounds like she is emotionally enmeshed with her mom and lacks true emotional intimacy with you because of it. She's still her mommy's little girl down deep on the inside which is how her mother programmed her. Like an old time-bomb, it has now exploaded.
Take care of yourself!
My MIL's health had deteriorated around a month or so ago. My wife was getting more and more frustrated with her mom on a daily basis, with me taking my share of the backlash as well. You could feel the tension in our house all the time. Then one evening her and I had a big argument. I was at the point where I couldn't take it anymore and was ready to move out. My wife came crying to me in the middle of the night and said she just couldn't do it anymore, would you help me get her into a nursing home! I made sure I didn't show it, but I was filled with relief. Anyway, my MIL passed out here a couple days later and spent 5 days in the hospital. While there, my wife talked to the caseworker and after describing her situation, was able to get her released directly to a nursing home for therapy and then to permanent care. It's 4 minutes from our house. The change in my wife was almost immediate. She is a completely different person. We've spent more time out together in the past week than we had in the previous 2 years. I've felt reborn. And her mother is actually doing pretty well at the nursing home too, which was totally unexpected.