We all live together. MIL has back, and incontinence issues. She pays the rent, and the rest of the household expenses are paid for by my husband and a little by me as I have very little income. The problem (one of many) is that he cannot handle both of us and has indicated that if it came to someone leaving this poisonous environment, I am being told to leave all the time. He says he cannot stand her and begs me to help her with every medical and financial need which for the most part I am and have done for the last couple of years. He tells me he doesn't want to hear a word out of my mouth when it comes to her and a frustration I had with her. He is treating me as the outsider and calls me some vile names. She is going to inherit a lot of money very soon, so it seems that he is now treating her better and me worse. He refuses marriage or family counseling as I'm "the one with the problem". I am at my wit's end. He knows he has me by the balls as I have no money, permanently disabled, and no close family. Has anyone else dealt with a mama's boy that claims to hate her, can't stand to be around her, but chooses her over his wife?
But I am going to change my usual response on this one.
Your husband is a jerk, with or without the mil, you are being used and abused, and mentally abused. You need to leave him as soon as you can, like yesterday!!He is not going to change. The way he is acting should tell you who he is as a person, with or without the mil.
No you and your husband should not go to couples counseling, but you absolutely should, to make yourself stronger, to see how wrong this is, to realize, slavery is in the past. And that's what you are.
If you can not leave soon , I would suggest you start detaching your emotions from him.
In this case clearly the husband thinks that the wife is as helpless as SHE thinks she is. The truth is that one visit to a divorce attorney would show that the wife has access to one half the community property, and a smart attorney can help her get it.
NO woman should have to be treated as second class and mentally and verbally abused in their own home by their husband, nor have their MIL come before them.
YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!
Even if that means you leave with no money and move in with a friend, or into a low-income apartment. Surely that would be better than what you're dealing with now right?
Your husband DOES NOT have you "by the balls." You are stronger than you know, and it's time to put on your big girl pants and show him just how strong you are.
You can start by calling a divorce lawyer first thing Monday morning, to discuss exactly you need to do to get out.
NO wife should EVER come second, third or fourth in a relationship, but must ALWAYS come first if the relationship is going to work. Period. End of sentence.
Half of his assets belong to YOU.
See a divorce attorney THIS WEEK.
Honestly, I didn't like what she told me, as you may not like what we have told you. I did go back though, because I new I needed help.
You may be feeling as I did very confused and not wanting to admit just how abused you are . So I would suggest to think about it and not get defensive about it.
Pack your bags and leave. Right now. Go to a women's shelter and restart your life. You deserve way better.
Do you keep finances separate, because you're technically entitled to half of whatever you and your husband have. It's a horrible feeling to feel vulnerable and at someone else's mercy - and without knowing your total situation, I hope there's some means of your attaining your life and taking steps to empower yourself in some way.
And since this bully refuses any marriage or family counseling, why don't you suggest counseling to your MIL for the two of you? Would that be an option to help for the time being? Also, you said that you don't have close family, so if there's any means to other outlets (ie church, organizations, etc), so you're not isolating yourself and can meet others may help too. It would also be wise to seek a lawyer's consult for advice/options.
Really wishing you all the very best ~