My mother in law has developed dementia. It has reached a point where she can't stay home by herself, and my husband and his brother have moved her into an assisted living facility. It's a beautiful, expensive facility, but she's unhappy there because it isn't her house, and she wants to return home. My husband has been stressing himself out running to her house across town to get things for her and taking them to her in the facility several times a week, and every time he sees her, she complains and wants to go home.
My husband brought up to me the possibility of having her go back home and having us move in with her, to take care of her. My husband works full time. I stay home and homeschool our early elementary aged child.
I really think this isn't a good idea, for multiple reasons. Our child has developed severe food allergies, and I'm still learning how to cook for this diet. I have health issues and am on a special diet. Adding another person to cook for who has fixed preferences for convential foods would add another layer of cooking labor when it's already overwhelming. I also have limited physical capabilities due to injuries.
My mother in law can be very sweet, but she is often very critical and speaks negatively about people, and has her TV on constantly, tuned to angry politics and violent news. She also collects papers, magazines, and other things, and her home is full to bursting. Not quite hoarders level because it's mostly organized and clean, but there are many boxes and piles of papers. She's been this way as long as I've known her, and I can only imagine it getting worse. My husband gets irritable after spending time with her (again, this has been going on since before the dementia). I don't think I'm physically or emotionally capable of meeting her needs. I think it would be very detrimental to our child. I think it would be extremely detrimental to our marriage. I don't know how I'd be able to adequately homeschool and take our child to activities while being responsible for someone with dementia at home.
On top of this, my mother (who lives in another city) is dealing with cancer right now, and I need the freedom to be able to go and see her on occasion.
Everything in my gut tells me that moving in with her is a bad idea, and that she needs to stay in care, but I dont' know how to tell my husband. I don't want him to think I don't care. I do care, but I think we need to be realistic about what we can handle, and I think this is more than we can handle.
It sounds like you already know what you want and need to do and need/want support to do it. Could you sort this out with a therapist - for you - and/or couples therapy for short term? There are trained social workers who also might be able to help you - who work with families.
Give her time to adjust. It takes a while and she may continue to express her dismay about the change. This is somewhat natural when losing so much independence. Of course she wants to be in her own house. Rather than respond logically with 'answers' or the why this is better 'this way,' offer REFLECTIVE LISTENING, acknowledging her feelings in the moment. This doesn't get into an argument or discussion about her moving back into her house; it is acknowledging she feels however she feels about the situation.
Your husband may be dealing with feelings of guilt - or some very deep feelings - to even bring this up as a possibility. I believe a few sessions with a trained professional (therapist or social worker) could be very helpful to both of you. It is 'easy' to give advice here - and much of it is very helpful/supportive, but it isn't like being in real time talking through feelings with a professional - who is likely experienced in these matters. Gena
It was great to have multi generational homes when grandparents could help. Most died before they developed dementia. Modern medicine can cure cancer and heart disease, but dementia is a terminal illness with no turning back.
Mom may seem good now but what will her needs be 2 yrs from now? Is he prepared to live with mom under her roof and thumb for the next 29 yrs?
The burden will fall on you. You will be a 24/7 prisoner at beck and call of his mom, every meal, dr appts., she'll be expecting to be included on all outings, vacations, weed getaways. You will be trapped.
You and husband should have a consult with facility director about moms needs, future prognosis, how they can better deal with her wanting to go home (they should have expertise and success in dealing with residents regarding this)-- do this before you make any decisions.
You and hubby need to have full discussion on how this will affect your family long term. How you are not equipped nor desire to be caregiver at this stage in your lives.
Don't do it. Don't be guilted into it.
I agree with all of the above. Dementia is a family disease - it affects everyone involved. My mom with Alzheimer's lived with us for 2 years. MIL will become the topic of every conversation, will be the deciding factor in every thing you have to do. You will lose your freedom, you will give up a portion of your life.
She is exactly where she needs to be. Dementia is a progressive disease and she will get worse. My mom has been in memory care for 1 year and she has deteriorated mentally and physically. She has never accepted it as home. If there is any comfort to be told, tell your husband that yes, she wants to go home; but in all honesty she will eventually forget.
In one years time, from living with me - my mom thinks I am her sister. She believes she is in her hometown as a child and that her parents are still alive. Mom is 94. I am sure this process if very painful for your husband, it was for me to. But she will eventually forget about her current house and who you are. My mom has forgotten her home of 60 years. So if there is any comfort in that - go with it.
This is what first stood out with me when I read your post - pay attention to what you wrote; "but she's unhappy there because it isn't her house, and she wants to return home."
My husband's mother who had severe Dementia lived with us, until her passing. She always talked about 'going home' - referring to where she grew up - even while living in her own home she made those comments.
This is a common challenge with Dementia patients. They often speak of how they are not happy with where they are. I personally believe it has to do with the spiritual aspect of them 'wanting to go home' - to pass from the misery they are experiencing emotionally, to leave the home we call Earth. So her comments may seem she is only referring to her 'physical place' known as home, but her comments may actually be based on a deeper emotion - spiritually speaking.
Not saying this is yet where your mother-in-law's state of mind may be, however chances are that if she moved in with you she would still be saying, "I want to go home." If not now, eventually she will probably be saying she wants to go home - even if she were in her own home.
There is of course always an adjustment period. Not wanting to advise that you ignore her pleas, but when she brings them up perhaps thats a good time to ask her questions like, "Did you make a new friend here today?" etc.
Regarding your family: Your marriage and children are your first priority. For my husband and I it was just us - no other family members in our home when my mother-in-law lived with us. Even then it was extremely difficult having her live with us. In her case - she could not live alone, but even worse she could not be left alone at times for even minutes - let alone hours. You have to realize that with Dementia you eventually have to become the memory for that person - to assist them with their every need, and at times nearly every minute! It's a daunting task, and one that could destroy your marriage and your family life.
My best advice: Don't allow your mother-in-laws pleading to 'go home' to give you or your husband a guilt trip, which could result in a devastating decision for your family if she moved in. She most likely would not be happy - no matter where she would live! Your husband I'm sure wants to do best for his mother, but he needs to first do best with your marriage and family.
Almost forgot to say: Regarding your husband taking things over to his mom from her home. I feel it would be best if he would only deliver to her the 'must have items', and in one trip. The problem with him making multiple trips to deliver things to his mother probably intensifies her desire to 'go home'. Every item he delivers to her from her 'home' would only serve as another memory for her that she isn't home. The material items really won't help her to feel at home, but most likely just remind her of where she came from.
I only wish to add something which may help your husband deal with his mother while she is in the facility....
I placed my Mom in memory care 5 months ago, after my husband and I had moved in to care for her for 5 years. That was extremely difficult, as we had no privacy at ALL. Constant interruptions and crisis due to her dementia, falls, confusion...and there came a point where we could not work anymore, and were getting sick ourselves from all the stress. (I have shared this in the context of other answers on this blog.)
When I moved her into the memory care facility, I was warned by the social worker that the more I, or my brother, visited her the less she would adapt to the facility. They suggested a couple of weeks of NO visits at first. But I could not listen to this. How could I just dump my mother there and not visit her? I could not do it. So, the first 3 weeks I went to visit her every day, and she wanted to come home every day. Then, for my own peace of mind and my ability to work, I cut down to visiting one day yes, one no. This gave her a chance to get to know the caregivers there.
Now, I go only 2 or 3 times a week, making one visit a longer 2-3 hour visit, and the others just a 30-40 minute hello. Mom now is adapting more. It does not mean that she has stopped wanting to "come home", but she brings up the request less and less and when I tell her she needs 24/7 care which I could no longer give her, then she understands...for a few minutes then dementia takes over and she asks again. Patience.
In relating to her, I have learnt that "come home" means something different to her, as she thinks that we live in a house with an upstairs which we rent out...We never have! She lived in a condo for decades. Asking her about it, I realized that she is thinking of her house when she first married, decades ago.
Please tell your husband that the process of her adapting to a new home is not easy. It may take months for her. And, it WILL take strength from within him to not react to every little whim or request his mom has although guilt may arise at times. He needs to learn about the disease for his own sanity.
Your husband needs to weigh your marriage on one hand, and his mom's professional care on the other, without sacrificing you. He needs to make a tough decision. I did. It was very difficult. And truthfully, he HAS to know it is her illness speaking out most of the time, and that it will get more difficult to deal with her as the illness progresses. By that time, if she is at home with you, you will all be very tired and lifeless.
I apologize for the drama here, but my husband and I, with love in our hearts, went through this for 5 years and do not wish this hardship on anyone. Don't take on this burden as it will cost you more than an emotional $5,000 a month in the long run.
Again, listen to your gut, have courage and put your foot down for the sake of your health and family.
2. If he does not listen, show him the posts from here.
3. If he still does not listen, tell him that you two will need some marriage counseling from a therapist or a pastor.
4. If he still does not listen, then calmly tell him that when his mother arrives at the house that you and your child will leave.
5. It's been three days since starting this thread. Thus, choose now what you will do and make it so.
Many persons with dementia go through a phase where they want to "go home". This happens even when they are in their own home. My mom lived in her home for over 30 years and went through the "I want to go home" phase while sitting in her livingroom. Her needs for physical care will only increase too... You can't do it alone so you will either need to hire help or your husband will need to pitch in. My mom only weighs 80lbs but some days it takes two to change her.
I will say that if you really have a desire and the physical ability, it can be done. I care for my mom with stage 7 Alzheimer's in my home. I also work full-time.. My boss allows me to do all but one 2 hour meeting a week from home. I also home school my 2nd grade grandson....but my husband is retired so I have his support and 4 grown daughters that pitch in. You cannot do it alone.
Have your husband read The 36 Hour Day...and some of the articles and posting about behaviors. He needs to fully understand what he is asking of you and his son. Hang in there and let us know how it goes.
You need to sit down with your husband and explain your feelings and one more thing YOU will be doing all the work!
He'll say you won't but you will, I'm guessing he'll be at work. Then he'll have a bad day at work, you'll be exhausted then the kids will get the heat from it. He needs to understand that this illness is very stressful on families as it is without adding heat to it with moving in with her. There will never be time for you or him. The kids will suffer and he can't say that won't happen because it will. He needs to sit down with the staff their and I bet they have a councelor their and discuss how you will feel and what will happen. My mil hated going also but they got use to it eventually. Plus doctors will tell you the more times you move them the dementia increases with their confusion. If approached in a loving way. Mom you have to stay her for your own safety, get involved with hobby because you need to be here. She'll get mad but eventually move forward. Sad thing she will soon have to move to a nursing home, so the less moving the better. Tell your husband that you have too much on your plate and that it's best health wise for her to remain there and also for sanity of your family and marriage. Good luck and most of all be truthful to yourself!
Knowledge is the key. I don't know if your husband is the type to read and do some research, but if he is, it will absolutely open his eyes, mind, and heart. He will understand that what his mom is doing with her complaining is normal. He may have to stop going less frequently to help her adjust. If you can afford to keep her where she is, I would agree with your gut instincts and keep her there.
As the disease progresses she will need to move to a facility with a higher level of care.
So, I don't know you or your husband, but I do know the caregiver experience with my mom, dementia, stress, frustrations, loneliness, family, friends, finances, my mental health, my full-time job, etc. etc.
You already know the answer, you just need to figure out the best way to explain to your husband why it is not in the best interest of anyone to move your mother-in-law out of the living facility and then your family moving in with her. The level of care that comes down the road can be overwhelming for anyone. With everything going on with you, your children, and your mom. Take care of you, your husband, your children, and both of your moms in a way that works for you and your husband. Good Luck. Take care of yourself :) Many hugs coming your way.
Listen to Your gut instinct. If You do not feel happy with the idea of
moving in with Your Husbands Mother. Do NOT.
You must protect Your Marriage at all cost, and Your Child too.
Suggest to Your Husband that He organise a Team of Carers Who
will work in rotation with Your Mother in Law in Her own Home.
You are going to do the wash
You are the one cleaning
You are the one going to be chasing after her when she wanders
You are the one that will get up at night when she has to go to the bathroom..for the 5th time...
You are going to be the one that will bathe, dress, groom her.
You will be the one that will take her to doctor appointments.
You will be...oh you get the idea!
Personal opinion leave her where she is, she is getting the care that she needs, you can be a loving family when you visit. When you are a caregiver you are never "off duty" at home.
I can bet that once your family moves into HER house she will not be happy either. You will be "invading" her space.
Soon she will resent you there and you will resent her for the amount of time that she is taking you away from the family.
As a parent the main goal is to raise the children you have to "leave the nest" and raise your own family. You have a family to raise. I can also bet that if your Husband had asked his Mom 20 years ago "Would you want me to uproot my family and move in with you so we could help care for you" her answer would have been "NO, I do not want to be a burden"
(Ask your husband if he would want his daughter to move her family in to help care for him when the time comes, see what he says about that)
So unless your Husband and his brother come up with an acceptable solution to hire caregivers moving into her house to care for her does not sound like a good idea.
BTW staff at these places get a bad rap. Sure there are bad apples but there are also great ones. One woman who my mother likes visited her in the hospital on her off day! I found out then that her own father is in a different facility. She said she couldn't imagine taking care of him alone. " I have a whole crew backing me up at work. That's what my dad needs, a crew. I just need to be his daughter. "