Family doesn't want their Dad to lose his license. They won't listen to my observations, nor to the report from the OT. He did well in written work, but very slow reaction time in other tests. Seems unaware of one-way streets, speed limit signs, drives too fast or too slow. Poor lane placement, etc. I am the bad guy when I try to explain his bad driving habits to them. What should I do?
In the book, Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon, the author devotes a section to driving. She told her husband, little by little, that SHE would drive, to please sit in the passenger seat. In short order, she took over driving entirely and the husband didn't even question it. Pick up a few copies of that book for your own children. Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I personally wouldn't let my husband drive at ALL if he's "unaware of one-way streets, speed limit signs, drives too fast or too slow. Poor lane placement, etc." Lose the keys or insist on driving yourself. Be the Bad Guy for everyone's sake, someone MUST BE. especially in the case of dementia. And why, pray tell, do your children get to weigh in on such decisions at all? Really, unless they are doing the 24/7 hands on caregiving and dealing with the ins and outs of all this, they GET no say!
Wishing you the best of luck taking the bull by the horns and corralling all of the trouble makers into the barn!
If they aren't doing Dad's daily caregiving, they have NO SAY.
Tell them this:
You aren't the "bad guy" by preventing deadly accidents to innocent people.
You are the SHERO.
You have enough to deal with doing Dad's caregiving. Like Alva says, tell them to "Hush up and mind their own business." PERIOD.
Tell the kids if they want to continue to let him drive THEY can move him into their house, use one of their cars and put him on their insurance.
Tell them that you are not going to shoulder the burden WHEN he gets into an accident and the reports WILL show that he has been told to "limit" his driving due to a diagnosis of dementia and poor performance on the driving test.
(frankly I would put a total ban on his driving)
If this makes you a "bad guy" then I wish there were more "bad guys" doing the same thing.
Ever heard of a wrongful death suit? That’s a thing where you and your husband can potentially lose everything you’ve worked for and own. Both of you, even if he’s the driver. It would certainly be brought up in court that you knew he had Alzheimer’s and took no measures to stop him from driving. Vehicular homicide is not something that law enforcement tends to overlook.
Here and in real life, I’ve really learned to dislike “the kids want this,” or “the kids say that.” Why on earth does anyone think they have to do what their kids want, especially when they’re adults and out of the house? As a parent of adult kids, I just don’t get it. I do what I want and they do what they want, and we’re all happy with that arrangement.
Available online. Get a copy of the doctors diagnosis attach it. Include everything in your original post that you have observed.
An OT is not a medical doctor and most doctors do not want to say if someone is capable of driving in writing. (been there, done that) They will give a proper medical diagnosis but not include if they can or cannot drive or play the violin.
Driving is a privilege not a right and a degenerating brain does not understand this. Sometimes a full functioning brain does not understand this. It is irrelevant what the kids or anyone else thinks but it is understandable to desire a united front backing up your decision.
We are all here backing you up with our collective experiences.
Went thru this with my father, had lots of unsolicited advice and remarks how terrible this was to "do-to-HIM". My retort would be -I am not loading a gun and handing it to HIM when he is angry, nor am I letting him drive when he is not in capacity to do it.
The DMW process took a while but it was then up to the state agency and him. The agency got the blame not me.
I live in an over-55 community where these people are all over the place. They run into things and people and over plants and into store windows. They run stop signs, speed, and ignore flashing lights at crosswalks where pedestrians are passing. No effort is made to get them of the roads by either police or the community.
Bad things happen. My neighbor almost sideswiped a stop sign on the other side of the street because she never stays in her lane when she makes the left hand turn. It made tire tacks on the adjacent lawn. I was watching and it was scary. Someday a person will be there walking her dog and Mrs. Redvan may run over both of them.
Ask the family if they are okay with losing their dad or possibly having to deal with the lawsuits against him, after he kills or injures someone. He could lose everything he has in a lawsuit. OOPS - there goes their inheritance!
My youngest brother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease at age 60. One of the first things that I told him was to stop driving!
My brother had several accidents. His doctors have told him that his driving days are over. His doctors also told him that he can no longer fly alone. He was getting lost in the airport.
My brother was saying that he only had to be “more mindful.” There is no way that he can be “more mindful” because he is living with an incurable, progressive disease.
It is hard to see someone losing their independence but everyone involved must adapt to facing the truth. It is counterproductive for this family to feel as if their father can continue driving.
I'm 87 and still drive locally during the daytime. I drive my small manual-shift SUV safely with self-imposed limitations. (So far, I've had no tickets, accidents, close calls or near misses). Admittedly I dread the day when I can no longer drive to the grocery store, but I hope/think I will know when/if that time has arrived.
One way to deal with this is to type out an ‘agreement’ for each child to sign, agreeing that they will pay for all and any damages that result from a vehicle accident involving their father as a driver. One for each child. Make it as formal as possible, dated and witnessed. My experience is that signing something like that sets people back on their heels. At the moment it's all a bit abstract. Making it very personal also makes it very different.
If they won’t sign (and they won’t if they have half a brain) you can then have a different conversation about why your own finances can potentially be badly affected but they won’t risk their own money. Let them argue about it between themselves, not with you. It's even worth paying a lawyer to prepare the agreement if you don't feel able to, and getting the kids to sign it with the lawyer's staff as witnesses. Just saying that's what you are going to do may tip the balance.