After my mother called me a thief, I haven't heard from her nor have I contacted her. She was talking about going to a nursing home but I don't know if she did or if she is still at home. I thought about calling one of her neighbors and asking, but no - it's kind of humiliating to have to ask a neighbor where your own parent is. And it wouldn't make any difference anyway because I'm not having anything else to do with her. I'm not going to ask anyone. I'll find out, sooner or later. I'm sure she's flapping her gums, telling everyone within earshot what an awful person I am.
Does her neighbor have your phone number? If so, they will most likely contact you if there is any serious news to report about your mom.
Wishing you peace.
I would also not spend a whole lot of time in conjecture about what the estranged person is saying about me. Of course it will be unpleasant. How could it not be? And what does it matter.
If you are willing to allow your mother to literally die now, without knowing anything about it, then no contact is the way to go.
I myself would not go no contact to that extent.
I would simply tell the person "I cannot get along with you, despite our trying for a long time. I am ready now to move on without you in my life. But I understand you are aging and I would like to know that you are safe, and not in need of a system you cannot contact. I will call you once a week. Is there a person I should call in absence of my being able to reach you to check in on your safety?"
I would then ask this person if this is amenable to him or her. If they said "no", then no contact is the way I would go.
I would make it clear I wasn't there to hear a litany of complaints, but was there to ask if they are able to function for themselves, and to seek help for them through the city and state if they are not. (ie ambulance, APS and etc.)
Up to you which way you go, really, but if you intend to treat her as tho she were dead already (a real option for some) then do stop thinking about her.
Often people play games in order to cast out a fishing line.
Don't bite.
I don't want anything to do with her. I was estranged from her for many years - I wish it had stayed that way!
Big mistake.
She hasn't changed at all. Still a nasty, hateful HAG.
When my Rude Aunt started telling people that I must have stolen money from my parents, I broke off with her permanently. No words, no response, I just disappeared from her life. It was NOT true, and I have no idea what she meant or why she'd accuse me. She was 89 at the time and extremely paranoid about other things, so I wrote it off to a mental issue on her part and still believe that to be true.
I have never regretted Rude Aunt's removal from my life even though she cut me out of her will. Life is too short to put up with liars and other wacko people who want to ruin us. Congratulations on excommunicating your mom from your life, and may she remain excommunicated forever!
I am NOT going to call her, for any reason.
Don't worry about a very elderly and demented mother "sullying your reputation" by flapping her gums to others. Just decide if you want to be involved with her in any capacity during her final time on earth. And go from there. Dementia says ugly and hurtful things to loved ones quite often. It's up to us whether we take those words to heart or chalk them off to a brain disease.
It's easy to say "who cares about the old bat", but you have to feel that way in your heart. Otherwise, YOU will live with regrets after she passes.
Personally, I don't think she has dementia. She's always been nasty and hateful; I think aging just accentuates it.
I hear the pain in your heart through your words. It’s really difficult to endure these situations.
Family dynamics can become so screwed up at times. I remember hearing a therapist once say that people will throw around the words, “I love you.” so much that it doesn’t mean anything anymore.
This family therapist said something that I really appreciated. She said that if parents don’t ever say, “I am sorry. I was wrong. I know that my actions hurt you.” that a child will lose trust in their parents, even if they say to them, “I love you.”
She explained that the children no longer believe that their parents truly love them because they don’t care enough to apologize to them or admit that they were wrong.
Some parents have pathetic excuses for their behavior. Others have been through tough times themselves.
She ended her discussion by saying that saying, “I am sorry.” and acknowledging the hurt is more important than saying, “I love you.” The words, “I love you.” has to have meaning behind them.
Saying, “I love you has become as common as, “Have a nice day!” Most people don’t mean that literally either!
Some parents never tell their children that they love them or that they are sorry. It’s very sad. It’s perplexing to me that they expect their kids to love and respect them.
When a parent has dementia though, they aren’t capable of any rational reasoning. If they weren’t kind and loving before the dementia, I think that’s the worst possible situation for a child to be in.
Pain and frustration often turns into apathy. Sometimes we go through anxiety and depression as well. I wish you the very best and hope that you will find peace as you move forward.
FW, if you want to see if Mom is in a NH, just call the ones nearest to her. Ask if you can have the room# of Mrs ? to send her a card. You will either be given the room# or be told she is not there. If not there, just say "Sorry, this was the place I was told she was. Thank you" and hang up. I scanned ur previous posts and agree, let sleeping dogs lie. Block her and. You tried and it did not work.
Whatever you do, just make sure that you do it for you.
If later, you wish that you had chosen a different path, remind yourself that it was the best path for you at the time.
Btw, my mum has made some wild accusations, including trying to get money off her (that she can't even access) and trying to poison her, mostly against my step-sister who was helping her and my stepdad.
I know it hurts, but I suggested to my step-sister that she shrugs it off, as Mum doesn't always have a grip on reality. I just say things like, "I know, I'm a dreadful daughter. It shouldn't be allowed." And when she tells me to "piss off" because I'm getting her to drink her milkshake, I say, "Okay," and walk away for a moment to collect myself, then go back and tell her to drink up so I can wash the glass. I try not to take what she says to heart. But, I know it's not easy and we have to look after ourselves.