She's great with him and has so much patience, but I'm the one that has to say something to him because it's not right that he gets to cuss at her under his breath which I always hear or makes faces I can tell he's irritated. If anyone should be irritated it should be us, which I AM! If I had a choice I would put him in a home, but he can't afford it. How do I deal with his bad attitude? I was hospitalized for 3 days from stress, anxiety and depression for caring for him. I don't want to end up in there again.
If the caregivers are just letting his comments rolls off their backs, then follow their lead. They have been on this rodeo many times over.
If Dad complains about the caregiver, play along and agree with him, even though you know differently. In fact, ask the caregiver how does she deal with the cussing, etc.
I remember one time my elderly Mom said something very inappropriate to one of her temporary caregivers, and I knew the caregiver heard it. I mouthed to the caregiver "I'm sorry", and the caregiver just placed her index finger to her lips as to say "shhhhh", meaning don't say anything. I will always remember that :)
You are not going to be able to change your dad's attitude and that is what is stressful and frustrating. So you need to learn ways of handling you because that’s the only thing you can control. I recommend a book that was very helpful to me and my sister. Called Loving Hard to Love Parents by Paul Chavetz PhD. He’s a psychologist who deals with adult children of difficult parents. Also, perhaps begin seeing a therapist who can offer suggestions on handling him as well as letting you vent. I’m so sorry this caused you to be hospitalized. As his caregiver you are always going to have stress so you have to protect yourself. Under no circumstance get rid of this kind caregiver. He’s hoping you will capitulate and stop hiring. Don’t! And get out of the house when you can. Set up boundaries that protect you and help keep you sane. This is one of them. He doesn’t have the right to dictate your life anymore than he does via you being a caregiver. Please keep in touch and vent anytime here
Good caregivers won’t expect you to change him or defend her.
It isn’t unusual for people with dementia to develop nasty dislikes for people around them, even when the targets are loving and concerned relatives.
You protect yourself by knowing that there’s nothing you can do about the behavior and letting it slide off instead of reacting to it. Easy to do? Absolutely not.
Good alternative to letting things slide? None.
Take good care of yourself, inform Dad’s caregivers that you realize that he’s difficult and you know they’re doing a good job, LET THE REST GO.
was appreciated.
His world has shrunk, taking you with him. Now that you have caregivers, get out, go do something for yourself. Let him be unhappy, you did not do it and my experience is that he'll suck your life because misery loves company. Find things that make you happy and let the caregivers do their jobs, one of which is to take the load off you. 😝 try it, it feels good to be silly when you get so frustrated and can't say anything. That's why kids do it, it helps.
Have you considered Medicaid for Dad? If his behavior is affecting you so very badly that you are needing hospitalization, have you considered a therapist?
If Dad has nothing, you maybe able to get him on Medicaid. Either for a NH or homecare.
My only advice for you is keep the caregiver. Honestly, he is just going to have to deal with it so you can have some time off and your health.
Here is another take on your issue. It is possible that your father has a legitimate complaint about these caregivers.
The best way to learn the truth is to set up a hidden camera.
Otherwise it will be his word against theirs.
Their are no federal requirements for criminal background checks. It is up to the state, but some states do not require them. You can google this to verify it.
Not all of these workers are angels. Many of them are simply very good at APPEARING TO be an angel, when in reality they are abusing their charges.....sometimes physically, sometimes financially or by theft.
There are numerous horror stories regarding financial fraud involving these care givers as well as emotional and psychological abuse.
Some of these caregivers are superb actors and present a sweet and tolerant fact to the family while secretly abusing their charge.
Here is a link to an article discussing the issue:
https://leadinghomecare.com/blog/2015/04/02/outrage-the-stranger-in-your-home/
Here is a portion of the article:
FROM THE LINK: [ “Only about half of all states require home care agencies to conduct any sort of training for their employees.”
“Just 15 states require agencies to conduct periodic in-home reviews to make sure workers are doing their jobs.”
“One 2012 study published in the Journal of The American Geriatrics Society found that less that a third of home care agencies screened their employees for illegal drug use, and 16 percent tested for basic knowledge about providing care in the home.” ]
The above link also has a pdf of a recent AARP article about this issue.
Sometimes it is a relative caregiver, reimbursed by the state that is abusing their elderly relative
Here is a link discussing that issue:
https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/01/when-home-caregivers-kill-the-elderly-with-neglect/384221/
A neighbor recently had all her jewelry go missing after her children hire a caregiver.
If you google hospice and medicare aids and home health aids you will see many criminal cases.