I have written here before, some years ago. It's been 9 years since the passing of my beloved mother. For every time I fall into this black hole of blaming myself for my mother's death, it tends to get deeper and deeper, and I honestly don't know how to continue living.
My mom was dying and one night had rapid, hard and loud respirations (no mucus) without any pauses. This went on for 9 hours before she passed.
It was my fault that she passed that night.
I rang the nurse who came and gave her a shot of morphine and sedatives (called Stesolide in my country). Maybe it eased it a little bit, but the rate was just as high, around 50 breaths per minute. In panic I rang again after 30 minutes, and said that I didn't think it helped. I thought that the shot would have a significant effect, so Mom's breathing would ease, little did I understand at the time. It was the experience for HER that it helped, the morphine couldn't CHANGE her breathing. It was I, a scared daughter who panicked. I so wish the nurse would have spoken to me, telling me this, calming me down and also telling me what another shot of morphine that close to the first one would do.
My mother died 2 hours after the second shot.
So, I basically killed the one person I loved the most on this earth. :(
My mother was totally awake and alert that night and would have lived some days more. But I destroyed her remaining time and I made a farewell impossible.
My brother had gone home during the day, and I WENT TO BED AN HOUR BEFORE SHE PASSED! I didn't understand what was going on. I thought that she would be able to rest after the morphine and we would meet in the morning (a lady from the nursinghome staff went to sit with her).
I hastened my mother's death and I went to bed, and I feel this guilt has destroyed my remaining life. I feel so alone with this, I have tried to look for other people that have experienced something similar, but I haven't found anyone.
My mother was dying from pneumonia, she had been sick for 15 years from multiple strokes, we had been there for some days before this happened, but the nurse had said it would take time. It breaks my heart that she had to pass this way. :(
I don't know if I have a specific question, besides how do you carry on living with a guilt like this?
If someone have experienced the same kind of regular very fast breathing without any pauses, that would also help to hear. It was so hard to witness.
One thing my counselor taught me ( and I still use it sometimes still) is to limit the amount of time thinking about a subject. For example, in early counseling/grief, I allowed myself 2 hours a day ( 1 in the am/ 1 in the pm) to cry, scream, cuss, condemn myself., the doctors, the caregivers who helped me....my family - EVERYONE. Then I DISCIPLINED myself to STOP - made myself do other things -work, exercise, talk to friends, etc...until I weaned myself down to1 minutes a day ....then 1 minutes every other day - you get the idea.
Emotions are. They are not wrong or right. But, if we don't learn to control them as part of us - they control ( and often can ruin) our relationships, our lives. I have faith you can get to the other side - you have already proven your strength. Love yourself now like you loved your Mom - get better...day by day.....xxxooooo
Thank you so much for sharing. It will surely help others who are feeling alone 🤗
Are you a trained doctor, nurse, palliative care attendant? Or have you lived experience from attending many family deaths & have witnessed various end of life breathing changes?
Warning: more tough love;
Was the timing, doses & deliveries of medications inc morphine up to you? Only you?
No. These things are prescribed, timed & delivered by medical staff.
STOP beating yourself up over any lack of medical & end of life knowledge.
STOP telling yourself so many lies. #1 lie is that you had all the control over someone's life or death. A lie. You didn't.
Absolutely reach out for grief counseling. Lay this burden down where someone professional can help you sort through all the emotions. Show you the lies too.
I do honestly wish you peace.
No, I am not a trained nurse and yes, it was the first death I ever attended (not really attended, since I went to bed).
I wish the nurse and the doctor haven´t agreed to try and "save" her, they later admitted there wasn´t any chance, they said yes to that, just to please us, her kids. So the night she died, we didn´t know what to believe, was she dying or wasn´t she??
it was not the chief nurse that administred the medication that night, it was a nurse that was on night duty.
Later I recieved my Mom´s records( is that the word, medical journal in my country) and they had changed the times of when the morphine shots were given. This is clear evidence that thing were not handled the right way.
I later also found out that the nurse who worked that night had been fired..
and the
It eased a little- but then I told myself that maybe she hadn´t been given too much morphine, and so on.. but this time I fell into this black hole, I just feel very certain that that is what happened.
And I cannot understand how I could neglect my Mom trying to tell me NO! with her eyes when she was about to recieve the second shot.
The only thing I can think of, is that i didn´t understand the severity of morphine AND that the horrible fast and loud breathing told me that something was not right and I tried to fix it.
The good caring daughter who always tried to fix things for Mom...only this time it turned out I did the opposite.
you need to know to stop this guilt. If you have faith she is at a place we all would hope to be when we pass. It has become a nasty habit now. When you can do nothing about the choice you made, let it go. That the only choice you have. If you
enjoy feeling the way you do, or use it as an excuse to do nothing or stay on drugs
like anti depressants its a high I am told. Look I was raped and sodomized for 6 hours in a hospital! That was in 1985 and I was 30. I had a good reason to be screwed up. Hell no, I was not about to let that horrid experience keep on going. No way. For that reason in a few days, I considered it part of my life and forget it,
because like you there was absolutely nothing I can do about. Life is what you make it. Ask the Lord for forgiveness and really mean it and he will. Tell him to tell your mom your sorry, she knows you made the right decision at that time and she does not want to grieve for her. That is the reply that will come in your thoughts. Recognized them, and dont talk about anymore, MOVE ON.
What gets me through was knowing how totally miserable she was after being put on oxygen and she had broken her hip with the last fall she had and was bed ridden. She hated being bed ridden and having to have people wait on her. She was always cooking, cleaning, canning... I still miss her and she has been gone for 6 years. We do the best with can. We are not nurses or doctors all we can do is Love them and take care of them as best we can. Since you and her were so close I'm sure she was glad it was you that was with her at that time. She would have wanted you to get some rest and would have probably told you that had she been able.
I know it's hard, but try to think of the good times when you see yourself diving into that dark place. She knew you loved her or you would not have been there. Honor her memory by taking care of yourself and loving those in your life now. She would have only wanted your happiness. She knows she was fortunate to have you with her.
Like yours mine was also very fed up with life lived in that way...
But she had been sick since I was 16, and died when I was 42, we should have needed a proper goodbye. But she knew we loved her very much, I only think SHE would have wanted to express her love and gratitude towards us.
I know she forgives me, but I am so so sorry that I destoyed the end.
But if so... do you think she is looking at you now and thinking "she killed me"?
No! She is able to see your soul and the pure heart you had then and do now. Would she want you to use your remaining time on this earth being sad and self-blaming? No! Honor her by living your life to the fullest and happiest you're able. The last thing she would want is for you to feel as if you've died too.
You've grieved for nine years now. It's time to move forward. Of course you'll always miss her, and maybe get sad when you're reminded of her. But your mother brought you on this earth for a reason, and it was not for you to grieve yourself to death!
If she hadn't gotten those shots, would she still be alive today? If so, would she have a good quality of life? It doesn't sound like it.
Her passing did not happen the way you thought it would. It's hard to accept when it doesn't end the way we'd expected. You obviously loved your mother very much... be thankful you had her for as long as you did! What a blessing that is!
We feel terrible when we have caused hurt to someone we love. Would you want her to feel terrible now? That her death caused you so much anguish? That you hold yourself responsible for it? Don't do that to Mom or yourself. Honor Mom by releasing this pain and hurt.
We're happy you have found the support of others here on this site. You've already received some excellent advice, but there are limits to what untrained members of the forum can provide for you.
If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, please reach out to experts for additional support. "Mind" offers mental health resources in Sweden, including an anonymous Suicide Line you can reach by calling 90 101 or by starting an online chat on their website: https://mind.se/.
You may also want to learn about complicated grief and specialized therapies proven to help family caregivers who are experiencing ongoing struggles with loss and trauma.
Read more about complicated grief and how it's treated here:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/accelerated-resolution-therapy-may-help-family-caregivers-cope-with-complicated-grief-439255.htm
Hang in there and please take care of yourself!
I know you love to give your armchair diagnoses, but it is best we remember that we are NOT medical professionals, ( if we ARE medical professionals, we would NEVER make so bold as to diagnose a person we have never met and examined thoroughly.)
We have really no IDEA what might help Karin, and we can only suggest things we think "might help", ask questions, sympathize, empathize, and TRY, out of our individual life experiences to help in some small way.
It concerns me that you keep throwing out what I call Fortune Cookie diagnoses to our folks.
Karin MAY have some obsessive thinking. More likely she has just formed habitual circular thinking that talking to someone could help. We cannot know. In fact, we can't have a clue.
Karin is responsive to ideas and clearly very bright and engaged. I trust her to get help for herself from her OWN professionals.
Mark--I know you meant well, but mom signed on for hospice and morphine shots can be a part of that. You don't need to dump the 'blame' on anyone.
Karin--you really, really need to come to terms with this. After 9 years and still feeling some measure of guilt b/c you couldn't 'save' your mom. Picking over her medical records for someone else to blame, maybe? Won't make you feel better.
Your mom died of natural causes. Perhaps hastened, ever so slightly by medical intervention.
If she had been happy, active or even enjoying life, that's one thing, but like my dads, she was ready to die and we have to respect and love our 'people' enough to let them go. And to help them have the peace and dignity that comes with the proper medications.
I would not change one thing about the way I 'helped' my FIL die, and I personally dosed my daddy with morphine MANY times. He always thanked me. In fact, he begged me to OD him, but we were never given enough morphine at one time to do that. Because I would have honored his request if I could have.
Firmly believing in an afterlife helped me to know that both the men are still living, in the next life. I believe death is simply a transitioning to a much, much better place. No pain, no anguish.
I hope you get some serious therapy to help you out of the depression you're in. Your mom would not want that!
My mother had NO pauses, her respirations were without pauses.
Everywhere you can read about Cheyne-Stokes, but the fast, hard, machine-like breathing is nowhere to be found.
Also, my mother got 7,5 mg of morphine in each shot and 5 mg of Stesolid(sedatives). Even in one shot that is a high amount for an opiod-naive palliative patient, am I not right?
When the nurse came back with the second shot, she said mom was going to get a little more. "A LITTLE MORE" IS NOT 7,5 MG AGAIN!!
I did not know this when it happened, but moths later when I recieved her medical journal.
Who knows whether Karin's mother would have lived a few days. What we know is that it is merciful that she didn't, in that condition. I hope Karin can find some peace.
The following comparison is not meant to be disrespectful, but to help me understand the OP's guilt...
I raise backyard chickens, and now and then, one of them would get sick. The sick hen would stop eating, drinking, and basically was starving and wasting away. As much as I hated seeing the hen suffer, I just could not in a million years pick up a hatchet and strike her neck to end her suffering. That very act would haunt me for years. I just could not bring myself to do it. I would have nightmares and would feel very awful that I snuffed out a life even though that life was going to end soon anyway. Thankfully, I have my husband who does that job for me, and I tell him to spare me the details.
Perhaps, the act of giving morphine which snuffs out a life (a little sooner) is too much for some people to handle.
I hope the OP doesn't stop reaching out, and I'm so thankful for your kind and understanding post.
sorry… I thought of something else dear!
I have asthma!
The thought of dying while gasping for my next breath terrifies me to the point -
I have got my own monthly plea bargaining gimmick with God over my asthma!!!
Ive begged Him not to let me go by drowning or pleading for air!
Mine isn’t severe- but the few really bad episodes I’ve had were very very frightening! The utter panic and racing heartbeat pounding is …. I can’t find another adjective! Horrifying!
If you did something to take or calm that… it was a GOOD THING!
Is it perhaps nearing the anniversary of her passing? I hope and pray this lifts from you! And do keep reading! There are more opinions than the one you’ve locked onto about the benefits of morphine during this phase.
My mil had multiple doses towards her end… but she left when she was called! Hugs!!
I totally understand that it must be so very frightening not to be able to breathe when having astmha. Hugs!
The morphine did not kill him, the cancer did.
The morphine allowed him to die without pain and agitation.
9 years is far too long to blame yourself. You did not kill your mother, she died from pneumonia and several comorbidities.
The nurse would not have administered an overdose.
The thing is, when I asked the nursing home for my mother´s medical journal, the time interval between the doses were not correct.
It said 10.45 pm and 01.45 am.
I told them that my aund who was sitting by my mom´s bed said there had not been given a shot 10.45. Where is the shot registred that was given at around 01 pm?? They didn´t answer me...i wrote several emails begging them to admit the nurse had made a mistake, begging them to take responsibility for it. But there was nothing but silence from them.
She was almost totally independent till 2-3 weeks before death.
Then hospital, inhumaine pain, morphine every half hour for days, did not kill her. With her consent and 2 independent drs she got what is know as MAID (canadian for medical aid in dying), one shot, she died peacefully within minutes.
Assistance in dying purpose is to escape days/ weeks of intolerable pain and agony.
If your Mom suffered few more days/ weeks would that make a difference?
You need to find closure which really is that last step in grieving when you experience acceptance.
I can understand your mother had pain, as I understand it that´s when many morphine doses are needed.
My mother was as they call it "opioid-naive" with labored breathing, so she was not used to morphine. Too much in those cases can push them over.
At that time, I did not fully understand that, and I trusted the nurse, but the nurse wasn´t the regular one, she was called in during events happening at night.
In recent years, I’ve had to have several shots of morphine in the ER and after surgery. (Neck hard disc complex etc and issues from there down.)
Some smaller doses, some larger.
With all- the initial “punch” lasted about thirty to maybe 45 minutes.,, I was usually hurting again within 2 hours…
This is just my experience with that med but I think you would find peace in knowing that what you might have seen on movies etc may need re-examined…
NOTE- when they OD on TV - they are usually found with the needle still in their skin. It’s instant.
And no nurse could violate a doctor’s order- the doctor ok-ed a certain amount… and your nurse was under that. She did what was morally and legally allowed- no more no less.
Though it is a different time and place and a different loved one, I really hope this opposite perspective of keeping a LO alive, helps bring you peace with your mother.
To simplify the dynamics and make the story understandable, I'll call my older sibling L and L is my only sibling. This is also only the emotional price paid and doesn't address any of the others.
While passing through the area, I got a cell call that L had been admitted via ER to ICU. I was unexpectedly made medical representative for L.
L has several emergency surgeries and spends several weeks in the hospital with most of those in ICU. As L's medical representative, it was up to me to approve surgeries and all the other procedures associated which meant keeping L "awake". With no sedation, L understood and felt everything!! Eventually, L was released to home care rehab. Months later L remained in major distress with no known reason why. L was in the middle stage of life.
Less than 6 months from hospitalization, L was dead -- not from Covid -- from undiagnosed cancer.
I lived with the "What IF" guilt. Finally, I "released" the guilt for my uninformed decision to pursue full care instead of the better option of palliative care.
You need to release yourself too and get the help that it takes to do this.
This is my life´s hardest lesson, to forgive and let it go.
I did everything for my Mom, and had fought for her so long, it breaks my heart that the three of us didn´t have a proper farewell. But I am trying to listen to one relative who claims mom had said goodbye many many times during her long illness.
Are you a nurse? Do you think a nurse would risk her license and take orders from you rather than do what is prescribed for those situations? Why do you think you bear the responsibility for what was going to happen AT THAT EXACT TIME anyway? She gave your mother the shot, and I have absolutely no doubt that it was within the medically prescribed parameters for treatment. Medically administered morphine doses are not akin to some 1920s-era morphine addict shooting up in a dark alley, for heaven's sake. This sounds like you've watched too many bad movies.
No, your mother did not have days to live, unless you possessed a crystal ball none of the rest of us know about. Plenty of people are up talking and seemingly fine, then die immediately after. I myself have a friend who'd had cancer on and off for 15 years or so, but was not having any active treatment at the time she died. She made lunch for herself and her husband, then went into her bedroom to take a short nap after lunch, and died in her sleep. She was 52, and there was absolutely no warning whatsoever that she even felt unwell. Illness takes a huge toll on the body, and eventually the body decides it's done. Her body was done, as was your mother's.
No, "hearing" that people who die right after their first morphine dose were going to die anyway is not fact. Use your head -- you're operating on feelings and innuendo with no knowledge whatsoever of medical facts.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but I think this drama is part of a bigger issue that needs to be deeply delved into with a proper therapist. If this has been going on for nine years, it sounds more to me like you've made this grieving part of your identity and a way to avoid other things in your life. I'm no therapist, but it certainly seems to me like you've carried this to an extreme.
It's up to you to decide whether you actually want to get over this and move on, or whether it's somehow more comfortable to wallow in this depression and unearned guilt. You should know that no one dies on someone else's time schedule, and the fact that you were not prepared for the timing of your mother's death doesn't mean that she didn't die naturally when she was meant to.