I've posted here before, but can't find it. So, I'll sum it up.
3 yrs ago my husband and I split up and I moved to Georgia from Alabama along with my elderly mom. Only 3 months later, my mom passed from Covid, and I moved back to 'Bama to be closer to my kids and grandkids. My husband and I still had not divorced at that point, as we got along fine and were in no hurry. Exactly 1 yr after splitting he had a terrible car accident and currently suffers from a sever TBI. He's not even close to the person he was! After spending a month driving 2hrs each way (I stayed a few days at a time) making sure to talk to Dr's and better understand his condition, my stepdaughter informed me that my services were no longer needed since we were split up. She stated her and her family were going to move in and care for her dad. I wasn't allowed to even go see him even though we are STILL legally married! Within 2 months, she finally allowed me to visit briefly. The next time I went to visit she left and to this day has never returned. I live just over an hour away, and work. So, that evening her mother (ex-wife) showed up with pillow and blanket in hand to take care of him.
Fast forward 2 yrs... I still drive once a week to care for him, cook, write bills, errands, etc. His daughter, who lives on his land btw, still does not call, visit, bring the grandkids, etc.! His Son does come to visit once a week and brings him breakfast. Other than me and his Son, no one calls, visits, or interacts with him whatsoever. I feel his health is once again declining, which hasn't been very good since the accident.
I've looked for help everywhere I can possibly think of (Google, asked around too). I need help in some way. The drive, the stress, the guilt and not to mention my own mental health is all suffering severely. He's on Medicare. Makes too much for Medicaid. I need someone that can perhaps help me with food (meals on wheels does not deliver where he lives), light house cleaning, and most of all someone who can just sit and converse with him and stimulate his mind! I even posted an ad on social media a year ago, with good response. His niece saw it, called me, and insisted that she do it. Wonderful! That lasted 2 months and back to square one. Please don't suggest that I move back, I can't. I'm still married to him because to divorce him now would be very cruel. I'm doing what I do for him out of respect and the love I've had for him. It's not enough and I don't know what to do. I've called every place I know for assistance of some kind and he can't pay for a personal sitter. Does anyone have ANY ideas?
... is this your (or someone's) opinion or did someone actually apply for him and he was denied?
Some states have a trust fund (akin to a Miller Trust) where people who over qualify financially can offload the excess income into this trust so that they do qualify. I assume your not-ex is in LTC? If so, this is the other half of what Medicaid requires in most states. Then once he passes away, the funds put into the trust go to the state to cover the cost of his care.
If he has property that his daughter is living on, why isn't it being sold to fund facility care for him?
Does he have other sellable assets?
Is no one his FPoA or legal guardian?
Is someone is a legal representative for him, this person can consult with a Medicaid Planner for his state of residence to get more/better insights into possible strategies to qualify.
We really need answers to these questions in order to give you our best guidance.
What do you want to do? Not what you think your husband needs?
You mentioned that you feel that it would be cruel to leave him now. Are you doing this out of guilt? If you are, then that isn’t a good enough reason.
Just because you are still legally married and his daughter isn’t involved isn’t a good reason either. Or that the son only visits once a week.
His daughter sounds awful. The son is at least trying to help his dad.
I am sorry that you are in this situation. Wishing you peace as you continue on this difficult journey.
Not to mention the nightmare of trying to get someone to move out after services are no longer needed if they have established residency.
It's important to figure that out. Before you go to see a lawyer, make a list of the assets. Ask when you make the appointment which state's laws determine your situation. If a Georgia lawyer informs you it's Alabama, consult an Alabama lawyer. You really should get the legal matters straightened out right away.
You're setting yourself up for people to be cruel to YOU (for instance, his daughter, who has already shown her true colors). The last thing you should be worried about is finding someone to stimulate his mind. He's not your toddler needing entertainment, he's your estranged husband! He can make do with solitaire and cute animal videos on TV!
Tell him you can't do this anymore, send a note to his doctor and say that you can't do it anymore, and request the doctor to find a better situation for him. Social services then get involved, one can hope, and accommodation will be found. Good luck.