To set the stage, I live in a 15 mile radius of my in-laws and a family business has my husband and his siblings all working together-distance, bosses, and money are not obstacles. I've been married 28 years and none of my SIL (3) attended or more importantly, even texted they wouldn't be able to attend the funeral or any sentiment that day. They texted the day of my Mother's passing, when word spread that she passed, but then crickets for the 12 days between that and her funeral, even after my MIL texted everyone the time and place. I reached out to my husband's sister after the funeral, who I felt was raised similarly to me as far as what family expectations were and asked why she didn't let me know she wouldn't be there or "thinking of you today"or anything, or knew anything about the other two SILs lack of attendance because it really, really hurt. She apologized and explained she was out of town and her husband unexpectedly couldn't attend to represent them. I have never, in 30 years called anybody out on any behavior. Obviously this hurt did not leave an impression, because she continued her vacation, came home and didn't mention the hurt to others for a few days after returning......in steps my MIL, who often lives as the peacemaker but is truly a wonderful lady. Her very diplomatic, Christian explanation for all three of their absence and lack of communication or reaching out was "it wasn't done maliciously". In my grief, that comment sounded as if she was defending them and has strained my respect for this family more than I can explain. Five months have passed and I am have not made any progress besides telling myself "I thought they were better than that", which also being a Christian, sounds so ugly to me. I like to believe in unconditional love, but realize I am a believer that with true love, comes accountability. Again, how do I move on?
My mother died last July and my dad in 2018, and my MIL and two BILs flew down from SF to LA to attend their funerals. (Frankly, I was shocked, because other than my MIL, none of them even know my birthday.). I didn't hear a word from my husband's other four siblings, not even condolence cards or calls. After 32 years, I realize that different things matter to different people, and death isn't too important to a lot of people unless it's their blood relative.
There were 350 people at my dad's service, and only around 50 at my mom's. Both were pillars in their community, but Covid and convenience seemed to make a big difference in who came. Dad died during the holidays and his service was in early December, but Mom died in the summer when people were out of town. It was what it was.
Focus on your mom and the memories you have of her. People will let you down throughout life, and you have to make do without them. Personally, I'd call out the in-law's behavior -- in time -- when the subject of funerals comes up. ("I will always make an effort to attend a funeral, because I know now how it feels to have the support of loved ones at that time.") You don't have to get in their faces about it, but giving them something to think about for the future is a good thing. That's what a good Christian should do -- demonstrate Christ-like behavior -- right?