My MIL has late stage MS. Her husband died last fall (2020) and she took a sharp decline after a blood clot. She can no longer walk, sit up on her own, or even turn on her right side. Her right leg is pretty much useless. Initially she was in a couple different nursing homes from September to November until my husband was finally discharged from the military. I came home a few weeks earlier than him, and ended up with her in my care right before Thanksgiving. I have been her primary caregiver ever since. My husband is unwilling to properly clean his mother's vaginal area when soiled, and is uncomfortable with her nakedness, so he expects me to do the work. His mother is extremely obese and when I first started caring for her, I was physically exhausted with the effort of moving her to change her and her bedding. I have had ups and downs in my emotional state. I've told my husband many times that I didn't know if I could continue to do the job, but he just basically says I'll be fine in a few days and I have to deal with it. He's been gone now for almost two weeks for Reservists work. I hurt my back today dealing with her, and I'm at the end of my rope. I cannot do it anymore. I just can't. I don't want to hear her voice, see her, or have anything to do with her. She pushes me just as much as he does. She will ask me to do things for her and if I say my husband is going to do it instead, she relents and doesn't make him do it. She doesn't care about what it costs me emotionally or physically to care for her. I know I Initially agreed to this, but I can't do it anymore. I'm going insane. I'm 35 with four children from 5-14 that I homeschool. My husband has given me the ultimatum to find a job that pays equal to his and I can go work and he'll stay home. I haven't worked outside the home in 14 years, and my children are my passion. I was so looking forward to homeschooling my youngest child and only daughter. Now I have to give that up, go insane caring for someone I'm coming to absolutely hate, or forcing my husband into a decision he'll resent me for the rest of our marriage. I feel trapped in hell.
This is one more thought about the next few days. If things improve, MIL may behave better herself, and you may drop your own stress level too. It is easy for things to creep back – the drink because she’s thirsty, DH’s special request, and more and more. It might be worth re-reading my post about boundaries, so that you are very very clear about when ‘creep’ stops. You don’t want to go back to where you were – never again. Yours, Margaret
That is really really hard!
All I can think of is each 'creep', each new issue, do what you have to. But note it, don't ignore it. Speak to DH about it later (when calm) & redraw your new boundary clearly around it so he is prepared for the next one.
That's where I found myself. I had backed out on 'on call' duty but then found myself being 'on call' support for the NEXT caregiver. No Again!
So, what’s your part? NOTHING! Not a thing! I promise he won’t be able to look at things in the same light.
I have done this, it worked! Not with a mother in law. Not with a husband. It was with my mom and my sibling that thought that I was embellishing how difficult caregiving was.
So, I let him take over. He later apologized to me and said that my words were replaying over and over in his head.
This is HIS mother, HIS choice and HIS responsibility.
Let him injure himself in any way necessary to take care of her. YOU'VE already done that.
YOU, my dear, are DONE.
I'm extremely fearful that they're just waiting and biding their time in hopes I'll relent and go back to doing the job again. I don't know if that's true, it's just how I feel. I dread the morning my husband over sleeps and insists I change his mom so he won't be late for work.
They are working on other options for help for her. I have my opinion on what that should be, but I'm leaving it to them as long as I'm not part of the equation. I won't force him to remove her from the house altogether. I expect my husband to get burned out very quickly even though he's still not shouldering the full responsibility like I was. There is a lot more to it than he ever took into account since I have been doing it the whole time. I wonder if his mother will see it and do something about it for him that she was unwilling or indifferent to do for me.
You have made the first and hardest steps. I certainly remember the PRESSURE of family expectations on me - & it was not from a spouse & the care recipitent was not actually living with me.. but that was sending blood pressure up, my heart racing to unsafe levels.
I am very happy your DH has supported your boundaries. By attending therapy he is showing his respect to you also. I hope he will make further changes ie that she move out of your home.
When looking back on this hard patch that you are working through together, may it bring you closer in the future.
I think, as hard as it was & still is, maybe you had to go through it to really know. Now it's his turn. When he does place his Mother into care, he will KNOW it was because he had to.
Keep updating if it helps & please try any relaxation that helps to get that bp down.
All the best 🤗.
We read on this site of therapists who never seem to do much for their patients in terms of pushing them to make changes. Discussing feelings is all well and good, but please consider someone to help you make (and carry through on) some very big decisions. "Lasting out the summer"? You've hurt your back once already. Please consider making changes sooner rather than later. I am concerned that your will injure yourself physically that will result in lifelong problems!
One other thing: "My husband is unwilling to properly clean his mother's vaginal area when soiled, and is uncomfortable with her nakedness, " -- read things like this a lot on this site. And then there is the blanket excusal of siblings for not being involved in caregiving because they "just can't stand to see Mama or Daddy like that." That is such nonsense. Men can deal with body fluids, and NO ONE likes to see their parents in decline.
You can stand on the boundaries with DH because you have written them down on your list, with the reasons. MIL won’t like it, and neither will DH, but it’s hard for either of them to justify why it’s you that needs to do it. And quite frankly, if her condition deteriorates, who cares? You are past caring, and DH doesn’t care enough to help.
You can present both her and DH with the option of NH, or her doing more for herself, or DH stepping up to the job. Then offer to take her on a tour of NHs she might like better than the previous ones, or better than coping when you stick to the boundaries.
Sometimes 'a plan' can help you avoid (or at least postpone) the final meltdown!
You make no mention of any mental issues, which tells me SHE can figure out her own @#$% care and living arrangement. SHE can get online and make phone calls on her own behalf. She needs a "Come to Jesus" meeting and be told your priorities are your children, yourself and your husband.
Second, I'm appalled your husband has taken the easy road and blows off HIS WIFE'S mental, emotional, and physical pain to your detriment AND to your children's detriment in favor of his mother.
The day will come when you're so mentally and/or emotionally burned out you'll break down. The day will come when total exhaustion will come and you'll collapse or you'll hurt yourself caring for her and may end up hospitalized.
You wrote in an earlier response, "My husband hates nursing homes and views them as prisons for old people." Too bad. His hatred does not mean he gets to force his mother on you. If he hates NHs that badly, then he can prove it by caring for his mother himself. It's time to lay down the law.
You wrote: "My husband is unwilling to properly clean his mother's vaginal area when soiled, ..." So, if you magical get a job that pays equally to yours, he'll magically clean his mother every day? Tell him to start practicing now so you can advise him.
When he's home, take the kids for treat, if you're up for it. Let him deal with mother. She and her boy need to start immediately to find her a nursing home. Feelings about NHs are irrelevant. A NH is not just what YOU need, but really is what's best FOR HER, people around her who can care for her and who have been trained to take care of her.
He's a military reservist? Tell him you'll call his first sergeant or commander for advice on your situation. You should already have phone numbers for his unit. That's fair for a family member to seek out the military community for advice and assistance. (I was Air Force for 24 years and was a first sergeant.)
If he doesn't work to take care of HIS mother and she refuses to help HERSELF, and THEY refuse to move her elsewhere, then you have no choice but to seek out a divorce lawyer--for your own sake.
On a side note: I worry about what your children are seeing, hearing, and experiencing at their mother's pain and their father's actions. They deserve better too.
Best wishes to you, Kyashi. You matter. Keep leaning on us and please let us know how you are. *hug*
Maybe it’s more about the husband. He’s the one who invited his mommy!
If he invited her, he should care for her.
Ultimately, he should find suitable placement for her.
With her health issues, facility care is best. Her care requires a full staff.
There are situations where home care works out well but when the need for care increases to this extent, she needs to be with a professional staff in a facility where she has 24/7 care.
It isn’t fair to expect one person to do a job.
Plus, his mom is not her responsibility at all!
The OP has four children! She works overtime caring for her children!
I have someone with late stage PD and it will be a cold day in hell before I clean her vaginal area really do anything besides cook or get groceries. According to lawyer, APS and doctors, I do not have to. She is self neglecting and I do not have to play the game. She will go days with only a diaper pulled up because she chooses not to call her other son, DIL or the agency for help and refuses a facility. Therefore, self neglect.
You should learn about self neglect in your state and have a friend call APS.
But I get you regarding self-neglect.
My relative can be sitting in wet/dirty clothing, smell offensive... hard to tell if doesn't notice , doesn't care or can't care. Even if prompted may have little or no motivation to fix. (Eg has refused shower after incontinence).
Unfortunately this apathy is part of my relative's condition, - apathy for household cleanliness, hygiene & grooming. This does not make it my job to do when I visit. She has home help aides, which are amazing!
I too was told to report as self-neglect if found to be getting out of hand.
Rather than hit him over the head with a hammer, I decided to write down what I did all day the next day. I started at 6 a.m. (not even counting the 3 a.m. feeding), and wrote down what I did and the time I did it until 3 pm when the colicky crying would start.
I didn't do one single thing uninterrupted for more than three minutes, including showering, eating, or going to the bathroom, and even all that stopped when the baby started crying. No wonder dinner wasn't ready.
My husband also traveled frequently for work, and I did all the yardwork in addition to caring for the house and baby. He considered himself to be a pretty helpful father, too, but the reality was he wasn't around for the majority of the day and it was an issue.
I suggest you do the same for your husband and be sure to include what tasks you didn't get done in addition to what you did do. Have it ready for the therapist, and maybe make a copy for MIL, too, so she fully understands what you're dealing with. Chronicle multiple days if you can -- it helps your case even more.
Maybe its u and Mom who need a good sit down. Tell her you cannot be at her beck and call. That when her son is around she needs to rely on him. You have 4 kids and a home to care for and kids are ur priority. Seems you and therapist are on the right page. The therapist needs to firm that MIL will not walk again and she needs to learn how to get around in a wheelchair, doing things for herself. I may also request she try and lose some weight. Sitting around she is not burning calories. I would not have junk food around.
Not sure how you are going to get thru to DH. Those trained in the Military are taught to "suck it up" and just do what has to be done. Women don't have the upper body strength of men. In the NH your MIL was probably a 2 person assist.
The house...if MIL needs a NH within the next five years, the house must sell for Market value. Those proceeds will need to go for her care. She cannot give it away or gift it. The proceeds should go to her care by hiring an aide. You should not be saddled with the bulk of her care.
It's a good idea to seek out a therapist for an objective, qualified, third party opinion about what's really going on in your marriage. About what's right and wrong, and what you've been subjected to and expected to put up with. He or she will shed light on the whole situation and allow YOU to see things for what they truly are. Then you make up your mind about how you'd like to proceed.
Whether your DH accompanies you to the therapy sessions or not will also shed light on whether or not he's willing to work on HIMSELF and his issues here. We ALL have issues that need work. If he doesn't see that, there's another huge red flag for you to acknowledge.
You have rights; as a mother, as a wife, and as a human being. Make sure DH doesn't scare you into thinking you have no rights and you'll lose your children, your house and more if you choose to leave this marriage. This is when you call a divorce lawyer if the threats come to fruition. Or 911 if the threats become physical. HE stands to lose a lot here and fear can show its ugly head in many ways.
Wishing you the best of luck exercising YOUR rights here and taking your life back now.
There are times that we can become blinded by our emotions.
Good for you for deciding to see a therapist!
Therapy is a safe place with a professional that has an objective point of view that will help guide you in the proper direction.
I saw a therapist and it greatly helped.
Please know that your feelings are the norm. You are not wrong for feeling like you do.
Somehow, your husband got sucked into feeling responsible for his mom.
You responded to my post saying that you believe that underneath he is a good man. I truly hope for your sake, you are correct.
You deserve a husband that loves and respects you and your children.
He needs help figuring out the situation and I truly hope that he will participate in therapy with you.
I know that you will present therapy to him with love and that you have his best interests at heart.
This is an extremely common situation. You aren’t alone. It also happens the other way around where the husband is in your shoes.
My own husband was in your shoes. My mom lived with us for many years.
Sometimes, as in my case there are extenuating circumstances how it comes to be but the longer it lingers on, the harder it becomes to continue caregiving and also to detach.
The inevitable usually occurs, we burn out! Our marriage and family life takes a big hit!
So, I feel that you are one step ahead by recognizing that this situation needs to have an end in sight.
You are not abandoning his mom. You are looking for a viable solution for all of you.
I understand that you feel guilty about the situation but you truly don’t have a reason to feel any guilt.
You aren’t doing anything wrong. It’s just that the circumstances make you feel badly.
Once you have a plan in place, your mind will be at ease and you will be able to take comfort in her receiving the proper care.
We live and learn how to deal with life’s challenges. Nothing happens overnight.
It is sad that some of us don’t learn lessons from others and we have to learn the hard way.
Let’s just hope that your husband figures it out soon.
I wish you peace during this difficult time in your life.
I will be thinking of you.
Take care.
Please keep in touch here! We learn from each other.
Your biggest issue isn't your MIL. Your biggest issue is the a**hole you're married to.
Your husband doesn't view you as an equal partner in this relationship. He puts little to no value on the things you do to keep the household running, much less taking care of his mother. He is issuing you ultimatums, for God's sake! That is NOT someone who values you at all!
I don't foresee his attitude changing, even once mom is gone, do you? And are you willing to put up with this - all while your children are witnessing this as how a marital relationship works? What would you tell your daughter, were she grown and came to you with this sort of scenario? I know what I would tell my daughter...
Find a place for you and your kids and go seek the advice of a divorce attorney, especially if his answer for counseling is "no".
I've known plenty of men who were/are in the military, and they DO NOT treat their spouses like this.
I sure do hope you can get yourself out of this situation.
My DIL did this to me when his dad was failing. "Family comes first" he'd state, then take off on a 2 week trip and never call me once. I still had 3 daughters at home, 2 with emotional issues that were sucking me dry--and DH who couldn't figure out why I wasn't on board with moving dad in with us. DH never so much as wiped down a counter or did a load of laundry for FIL.
Sadly, to this day (and it's be 17 years) he still thinks of me as selfish and uncaring. Even though I care for his dad til the day he died. Singlehandedly cleaned out his condo, got his rental property ready to sell AND took care of DH post shoulder surgery.
Where were the other sibs? Sitting around waiting for checks to be dispersed as funds came in and things sold.
I did HUNDREDS of hours of work and was paid $0. BIL wouldn't allow it. And DH, as executor, was too big a pansy to stand up to him.
I NEVER felt guilt, but I sure felt ANGER. And we've never really worked it out. I'm glad you're getting care and therapy. DH would never go for that.
Your MIL is younger than 65, isn't she? No Medicare yet? So this "care plan"-- you as slave labor--could go on for decades.
You and DH need to make an appointment to see an Eldercare attorney with MIL to make a plan. Her house must be sold at Fair Market Value if Medicaid might get involved in paying for her care.
If DH sees you as an extension of himself, I want you to read the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.
He sees you as "under his command" not an equal partner. He may be a good man, but he isn't treating you fairly.
Consider this. Start billing MIL $25. per hour of care. Your time is worth that.
Typical military mindset ("improvise, adapt, overcome"). I know - I was in the Navy, my ex-husband was also in the Navy, and my now-husband was in the Army. Well, that works while you're in uniform - basically because you have no other choice - but not so much in a situation like this.
You're between a rock and a hard spot, and it's no wonder you feel trapped. You stated that your husband is a Reservist - do you have any access to Ombudsman services (or other resources) at his command? If so, they might be able to help somehow, including counseling.
My personal take: Remind your husband that in the military, it's all about "unit cohesion," which means that if everyone in the unit doesn't do his or her part, the mission is in danger of failure. That military concept applies to your marriage, too. You have four kids to nurture and educate, and a household to run. He can step up to the plate and take care of his mother by ensuring that she's properly cared for by skilled professionals.
Good luck, and God bless.
I have to laugh about him insisting you get a job that pays as much as his after you have been out of the workforce for 14 years. He knows you can't call his bluff. It also was a warning sign to me...my 1st husband often complained that I didn't make enough money for him to stay home with the kids....I made more than he did. And I know his plan was if he stayed home he'd drop the kids off at this mom's often so he could go and play.
Any way for him to stay home for just a few days and do everything you have to do so he can really see what a problem this is?
you wrote:
“Any way for him to stay home for just a few days and do everything you have to do so he can really see what a problem this is?”
he already knows it’s a problem, that’s why he makes sure she does it and not him. he makes himself unavailable. escapes.
"They both basically want to hoard her money for as long as possible for I don't know what."
Her plan is YOU. Hoarding her money is going to happen, and you will remain the slave (yes, you are a slave).
You can't change them,. so are you going to change YOU? Or are you going to continue to just complain, yet put up with the current situation?
"I hurt my back today dealing with her, and I'm at the end of my rope. I cannot do it anymore. I just can't."
Yet you still do keep doing it.
Please formulate a plan to get out of this situation.
I also would like to say that it may be helpful to speak to your mother in law’s doctor and get contact information for a social worker. They can also help with planning for future care.
We did this with helping us to navigate my parents care.
I contacted Council on Aging for my mom. They were very helpful too.
As far as hands on care. It was very limited in my area. You can sign up for meals on wheels if you like.
Home health is a plus. They did physical and occupational therapy for my parents. Plus, an aide for bathing.
I know people who have contacted nursing schools to see if students are available to help and have hired students.
Students are always looking for a job.
My husband's going to absolutely refuse a social worker's assistance because he fears they will forcibly remove her and bar him from seeing her to get at her money like in the movie 'I Care a Lot'.
They both basically want to hoard her money for as long as possible for I don't know what.
I'll try to run the nurse student idea by him. We live close to a college that trains nurses. That's where my MIL went to college, ironically enough, to become a nurse.
In life, as a parent, your (and your husband's) FIRST priority is your minor children. Next, your spouse.
Your elderly parent comes last in this equation.
What decision is your husband going to resent you for? Getting his mom the care she needs?
Start by calling your local Area Agency on Aging and getting a "needs assessment". This will tell you whether she can be placed in Assisted Living or is medically in need of a nursing home.
Next, what are her resources? Social Security? Pension? Savings? Will she qualify for Medicaid?
You may start to feel less trapped if you look at this as a puzzle to be solved and not a battle of wills.
Does someone have Power of attorney for her?. Right now, I would get some caregiver hours lined up from a home health care agency. Call MIL's doctor and ask if s/he can order some Physical therapy and a bath aide.
She has not disclosed her full financial situation to me. My husband and I share power of attorney, which is pretty useless since he's always gone or working and it takes both of us being present to do anything.
She is on home health which gives her a weekly bath and PT. She believes she'll be able to walk again. I don't. Her physical therapist doesn't seem to agree with her and focuses on her learning how to get in and out of her wheelchair on her own. We have a lift to get her into it right now. I don't feel comfortable or safe assisting her into the wheelchair. PT seems like a waste of time to me because the therapist is focusing on things my MIL doesn't like to do, and therefore won't. But that's her choice. She's planning on doing Home Health for as long as insurance will pay for it. She's reevaluated in May for more PT.
Some stories just bring out the lioness you know?
I can't 'see' from here of course or 'hear' his side but wow do I get vibes of 'Me Man Me Breadwinning Hero'.
Now I believe YOU caring lady actually birthed these children, nurture them & even home school them. This is worth ONE SQUILLION TRILLION DOLLARS. He probably won't get that until he is 80 yrs old (like a career focused Uncle).
Obtain a marriage councillor asap. Today. He wants to throw ultimatations around does he? Here's two..
1. Turn up at X time for the first of MANY marriage counselling appointments - or have no marriage.
2. Move your Mother into care immediately - or get ready to do 24/7 solo.
Basically the same deal. He will need to work WITH you, for a solution that suits your whole family & not expect survitude.
I am so sorry that you are in this situation.
MS is a tough disease. She won’t improve. It will only become worse.
Your children come first. They take first priority when it comes to caregiving. They deserve your love and care.
I would be angry with my husband if he made demands from me to care for my MIL with MS.
If he doesn’t want to do it, then she needs to go to a facility or she can hire a caregiver.
Can she afford a caregiver? Don’t pay for it yourself. You have four children and yourselves to be concerned about.
I can’t believe that he said for you to find a job so he can stay home! He’s a bully. He is trying to intimidate you.
I know that you want to be home with your family but I guarantee if he had to do your job he would not last a week without crying!
Your MIL isn’t even appreciative of your help. Doesn’t that bother him?
Give him an ultimatum! Kick his mom out or you will file for divorce.
How does she treat her grandchildren?
I am so sorry that you hurt your back.
You have gone above and beyond for them. Everyone has a breaking point! You sound like you are past your limit! I don’t blame you one bit for the way you feel.
Call a caregiver agency. Send the bill to him. Pack your bags and go on vacation! You’re homeschooling. You can do it.
I have a niece that visits me while being homeschooled. She brings her laptop and her violin. I love when she visits!
Homeschooling 4 children is a full time job. Maybe MORE than a full time job. I assume these 4 kids didn't get born without some help from your husband, and that he supports the idea of homeschooling.
Caregiving for a physically disabled elder is a job for MORE than one person. She needs cleaning, food prep, laundry, repositioning, med setup and administration, medical exams and physical therapy, at the least. She either needs aides in the home or a facility. Paid for with HER resources, not yours and husband's.
Is DH going to homeschool the kids while you are at work?
I am sorely tempted to tell you to take a 2 week vacation without the kids and let hubby figure out how to manage this by himself.
Find yourself a therapist. You need support to stand up to this bully.
Great minds...
Always knew that you were one of the smartest posters on this site!
You were thinking vacation, as was I, and I told her to do it! When I read your response I smiled 😊.