Is my wife safe to drive alone?

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Is my wife safe to drive alone?

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My wife, 76, had a superior memory all her life but it has declined over the past 4-5 years and is now out in the open between us. She recognizes the decline but sees it as something she can overcome by exercising her brain (to which she refers regularly).

Her main symptoms are loss of short-term and long-term memory. She doesn't remember any of the trips we have taken, has lost familiarity with the streets and stores in the town where we have lived for over 50 years (though she is relearning gradually), uses generic words for specific ones (she might call a kitchen cabinet a closet) and asks me to repeat the date and time of my doctor's appointment 3 or 4 times.

Our two daughters are adamant that she should not be driving for safety reasons, even with me as a passenger. She has gotten lost a couple of times, cell phone to the rescue. Otherwise she is a very careful driver, always has been. We went out recently so she could practice (which she insists is the key to solving her problem of navigation) and she handled the car well but had me confirm which way to turn before reaching every intersection. This was a drive to each of several friends' homes.

She has a mild form of epilepsy (never any blackouts, just momentary "tingles"), is on medication and has been episode free for 3 years. When it was first diagnosed she was prohibited from driving until she was episode free for 3 months and hated this restriction. To have that restriction in place again would be devastating as, again, she thinks she just needs to practice more (to know her way around).

How will I know when she is unsafe to be driving? Again, the girls think it's pretty much now. She has been diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment but not dementia so would there be a legal liability if she got in an accident?

Care Decisions Cognitive Decline Driving

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For many reasons, this is a call that the doctor who diagnosed her MCI should make (and should have made when the diagnosis was given).

If she has to confirm which way to turn at each intersection, is there any question in your mind? How would she react in a sudden emergency?

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Your daughters are correct.
Her ability to drive cautiously will not help if an accident happens to her. Her diminished capacity will ensure she will not be able to perform any rapid decision making if an accident starts to unfold. She’s getting lost and has to call for help. What if she misplaces her cellphone or ends up in a ditch where there’s no reception? You’re placing a great deal of faith in someone who has cognitive impairment to make sound judgement calls.
Talk to her physician to have him tell her to stop driving if you can’t have that conversation with her.

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Driving is not a RIGHT it's a PRIVILEGE and most of us will age out of that privilege.

IMHO, if your wife requires a 'back seat driver' to guide her along the roads, she has no business behind the wheel. So much of driving is snap decision making, no time for lollygagging about turning right or left or 'where am I'?

We just sold my MIL's care which is 24 years old. Had only 64,000 miles on it, but she hadn't had it out of the garage once in the last 5 years.

Upon expecting it, she did not have a single fender, bumper or mirror that hasn't been scraped or full on hit. Dh was aware, after the fact, that she had been blindly smacking into things and probably sidewiping other drivers right and left for years.

Luckily she never hit a PERSON.

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Congratulations on 54 yrs of marriage. Your last sentence is the big tip off to your wife's memory issues. Mild cognitive impairment can be a precursor to dementia. Her driving seems to be a concern along with her difficulty finding the correct words to use. Getting lost on familiar streets is a reason to monitor her driving closely. How does she do otherwise? Do traffic lights confuse her? Does she drive erratically, use turn signals, understand traffic signs. I think your daughters have a legitimate concern that you should discuss with your wife. It's always hard to tell someone they shouldn't be driving because driving represents freedom and independence. We don't want to be dependent on someone just to go the store or drs visit.

Back to MCI. This impairment may lead to dementia or may never get worse. It differs from dementia in that MCI doesn't affect one's daily activities and it may continue for years. Many people with MCI and even early dementia symptoms continue to live a productive life. I'm not sure if there would be a legal liability if she got into an accident, but if her condition is documented on her med records, the insurance company may refuse to pay because of her lack of judgment. A serious talk with the family and her PCP should be arranged.

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I wanted to reply to "driving represents freedom and independence." There seems to be a new trend among some young people to deliberately not drive. This really surprised me when a neighbor's grand kids (both boys) showed no interest in cars or getting their driver's license. They saw Uber, Lyft, buses, bicycles and commuter trains as better options. When I worked in downtown LA, I never drove. Took the bus and had no worry or expense of storing a car over the workday. The thing is, you can be very independent this way, but you must do a little work to figure our how public transportation works, bus schedules, etc. etc. That is where the frustration hits inexperienced bus riders. Once they have the knowledge, they can be entirely independent. But you have to explore options.

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I agree with your daughters. Your wife is not safe to drive. I also agree that driving is a privilege - that's why the full term is "driver privileges and penalties". Driving involves a lot more than staying within the lines i.e. the white and yellow lines.

When my FIL started showing signs of cognitive decline/dementia, he was still driving. One day he suddenly turned into the wrong lane thinking it was the left turn lane. I was in the car with him, told him he was in the wrong lane, he became flustered, and nearly pulled out into oncoming traffic! I had to shout "STOP!"

Another real risk is her inability to proactively avoid an accident. And cognitive decline/dementia can result in pedal confusion where the driver steps on the gas instead of the brakes.

If your wife is in an accident and it is discovered that she has dementia you both can lose everything depending on how bad the accident is. When your car insurance company discovers that she has dementia, they can decline to cover her after an accident. You will be on the hook personally for any and all damages and a personal injury attorney will make your lives a living hell while the case drags through court. Is it worth it?

Clearly your wife is not making good decisions anymore. She does not need more practice behind the wheel but rather to stop getting behind the wheel. If she won't stop then you must stop her. If she wants to exercise her brain, get her puzzles, books on tape, a new hobby, etc.

Please call your daughters, who are thinking clearly, and tell them you agree with them about getting your wife off the road. At least you will have support from your daughters. Good luck.

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Would having that restriction in place again be as devastating as entering the path of a truck or overlooking a child on a bicycle? Nothing makes you so incompetent and distracted a driver as not knowing where you're going. Your wife has to make her own decision on this, but it seems to me that a bright lady with her heart in the right place should find this particular decision a no-brainer. No driving. Get ubers.

If I were your wife I think I'd be going back to my neurologist and asking for a review. Are you sure she has been completely open with you about what has been found to date?

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Thank you for your candor. I got 13 replies, all with basically the same answer so that helps. As for your last question, I was with her when she was evaluated with MCI a couple of years ago so, yes, I'm in the loop.

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No your wife is not safe to drive!!! Please don't wait until she kills someone, before you decide that she shouldn't be driving. Putting up with her being unhappy over not being able to drive anymore, is much better than losing everything you have in a lawsuit, because she killed someone, and you knew she had these mental deficiencies. From what you have described with your wife's mental decline, I am guessing that she is way past just having mild cognitive impairment, and it has now moved into one of the dementias or Alzheimer's. Probably time to have her reevaluated. Best wishes.

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Funkygrandma59, As you know, it isn't just killing someone, if you injure someone, and they sue, you can lose everything. If you are sued and the attorneys subpoena your medical records that show cognizant difficulty, they have a fantastic case against you.

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She’s already not safe to drive. And deep down, you know it too.

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As others have said here, no, she is not safe to drive. Take a drive with her without you prompting her in any way. No telling her to watch out, turn here or there. Just observe and then think about what you've observed. When we had to stop my FIL from driving at age 86, he was much as your wife. Uncertain which way to go, driving very slowly and carefully, getting lost. Forgetting where he parked the car and insisting it had been stolen. We finally were able to find a neurologist office with a driving simulator that would measure his reaction times, follow his eye movements, etc. At the end of the simulation the doctor sat him down and told him he had scored a 98--he was ecstatic and my husband, who was with him was in shock--UNTIL they told him that that was a 98% probablility that the next time he drove he could/would be involved in an accident. They then listed out his deficiencies--his hand eye coordination, his slow response time, his over reaction to things around him, his depth perception, his inability to do more than one thing at a time. They told him that they knew he was a kind and compassionate man, and asked him how he would feel if his driving severely injured his wife, or maybe a young mom with children in the car. He said he wouldn't like it. They told him that they could not force him to give up driving, but that if he chose to continue, they would have to report him to the state as physically unable and that he would become uninsurable. He didn't comment, but on the way home, he told my husband and BIL that they should sell the car. We were very grateful. This process took about 6 mos to get him to the point of accepting. We had purchased a NUBI/electronic device to put in is car under the steering wheel that had GPS and also monitored speed, and hard braking. Insurance companies and parents with new drivers use them. It would alert my husband whenever they got in the car and he would be able to monitor their route, speed, etc. He saw them get lost and go in circles many times. That was what pushed him to push for the neurologist as his dad was not willing to discuss it with us or with his PC doctor.
Perhaps speak to your wife about how she would feel if her slowness and confusion caused her to have an accident and hurt a young family. Maybe her compassion and kindness will override her desire to keep driving. Unfortunately she will not regain those things she has lost. They will continue to go downhill. It's the nature of the beast called dementia. :-(

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Thank you for your thoughtfulness taking so much time to reply. I had a talk with her last night and will pursue this with her doctor. I've also located a driver evaluation service in Wheaton, IL that I might look into, mainly to get someone to provide more authoritative feedback than I or our daughters can give.

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My opinion is that no, she isn't safe to drive. I experienced this with my brother. He lived in another end of our state and I hadn't seen him. I understood some issues which he described as "the phone" and problems with it (which the phone company denied". Then the next call was from the Hospital where he was after an accident. He had severe head injuries. It was during all that he was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's Dementia.
If your wife has mild epilepsy and she is "getting lost" your next call may be what mine was.

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...or perhaps from the police instead, telling you that your wife was killed in an accident, along with a family in the car she hit.

(5)

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Hello geoffoto, Was she recently diagnosed? It may be time for another evaluation. It seems she is getting worse and I certainly would not let her drive, dangerous for her and other drivers on the road. Good luck.

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geofffoto responded to Countrymouse with "I was with her when she was evaluated with MCI a couple of years ago..." I hope we learn of an update very soon!

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Getting old and diagnosed with cognitive impairment really sucks. You know what sucks even more? Your wife killing herself and others while out driving and "exercising her brain" when you and I and everyone else on earth know that's a load of malarkey. She should have stopped driving long ago, and her keys need to disappear immediately. Better to upset her than to cry at her and others funerals. You know it, too, so please do the right thing.

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She is not safe now. Sorry but practicing is not going to help her regain her navigation skills.

If she causes an accident she has liability whether or not she has been diagnosed with dementia, just like anyone else would.

What happens when she gets lost and forgets how to use her cell phone? Do you have a find my phone tracker on her phone? What if she forgets the phone at home?

Yes it is devastating, but it is part of aging.

Have the two of you got all your paperwork, Wills, POAs etc up to date? I strongly advise attending to this. She also needs a full workup with your family doctor.

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Thank you for your reply! Everyone who replied agrees with you. Yes, we do have our Will, POA and Advanced Directive in place. Your last suggestion may be our next step. Thanks again.

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It is not safe for your wife to be driving a car.
She has been diagnosed with cognitive impairment. She also has dementia if she doesn't remember having traveled on vacations with you and you have repeat things three and four times to her.
She also has epilepsy.
Yet, you're asking if it's safe for her to drive? It's as safe as giving a toddler a gas can and a book of matches.
She cannot be allowed to drive anymore. Letting her drive (even if you're in the car) is risking her safety as well as your own.
You are also risking the safety of every other person and pedestrian on the road.
Humoring your wife by enabling her fantasy of believing she's still completely independent and capable of driving is selfish and dangerous. Your wife's happiness is not worth other people's safety and lives.
You can do the driving if you're still able. Use Ubers. Get her a companion who will take her out and help her run errands by doing the driving.

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Thanks for your frankness. :-)

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As you already know, no she is not safe to drive, and yes, there would be legal liability if she was in an accident whether she had a diagnosis of cognitive impairment or not. The choice to drive means the choice to take responsibility for any accidents that might happen.

Being familiar with the directions to a place or "it's just a short trip" are no excuse. You can kill someone backing out of your driveway just as easily as you can kill someone driving at 70 mph on the highway. My mother, who had macular degeneration, didn't have a problem with driving the two blocks from home to her church where she worked, but there were also two schools between her and her destination. There was no way we were going to allow that, and fortunately, she gave up driving without too much fuss.

Please appeal to your wife's sense of right and wrong in getting her to give up driving. Life brings us changes all along the way, and some are no fun, but we plug on doing what we can. This is just another change to adapt to, not the end of the world.

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Thanks so much for your perspective. I had a talk with her last night. Step one.

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Medications for epilepsy need to be adjusted now and then.
She should agree to have her driving restricted until her doctor clears her, like before. If her brain is still working right, she will understand the reasoning for this.

She can take a senior's driving class and be tested. I think that the auto club has some or can refer you to some classes.

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Using your doctor's diagnosis and referral you can contact your local Transportation Dept/DL issuer and have them send a letter revoking her ability to drive and suspending her DL permanently. With this official documentation then you or your Dr. can go over it with her or not. THEN? Take ALL keys and sometimes selling the auto works well too.
SAFETY IS THE SELL HERE TO HER. ITS BECAUSE YOU CARE.

Kind regards

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Dont worry about what your daughter's think.

You know your wife better than they do.

I believe You abd your wife will both know when the time comes.

As long as she's a good driver, don't worry about her getting lost. Just always have tge address down so if sge gets lost, she can always use her phone.

And taking certain meds and using your brain is better than not letting her drive.

There are even memory games ya'll can play to help stimulate the brain and don't forget about crossword puzzles.

Anoway, who doesn't get lost driving?

She drives safe and it makes her happy to keep driving, that is what matters.

Prayers

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I disagree (as I think most here would say). Sometimes it takes someone from outside ourselves to objectively see things. I believe his daughters have a clearer perspective, more objective perspective, than he does. But it is obvious that he values the advice of his daughters and is willing to give serious consideration to their words and was willing to come here to confirm.

I know my husband better than anyone else does, and when he is told to stop driving, I am the one that will have hell to pay. Not my kids, not his doctors. So of course I am avoiding what I know will eventually have to happen. But the fact of the matter is, it will have to happen

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My husband also started with MCI. He also was aware what was happening to his brain. When it came to driving, as things progressed, he was basically going to Dunkin’ Donuts. I asked him what would happen if he pulled into the parking lot, has his foot on the brake, and didn’t remember what to do next. He thought for a minute and said I won’t drive anymore, I don’t want to hurt anyone. I was very lucky, but you might have the same luck with your wife. She seems to be aware of what’s happening to her brain. Best wishes.

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If you are asking the question about driving safety, you already KNOW the answer is NO IT IS NOT SAFE TO DRIVE. End of worrying about safety problem and getting lost.

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My guess is sadly that if you're thinking/wondering about it, the time is now. My dad is 103 now and driving. ANd by all accounts has always been a good and safe driver. A month or so ago he had an accident on a mall parking lot where he had taken himself to go walking due to the winter cold and ice. I tried to piece together the details some of which were shared with me by an officer who came to the scene. Per dad everyone was making a federal case out of a little fender bender. The officer's version was a bit different. But mind you this did not stop the insurance company from letting him get a loaner while the car is in for repairs. Per the officer (and I have no idea how accurate this is, especially when a neighbor who knows cars and repairs saw the damages and to the other car as well and questions the description) dad hit another car and continued to still drive, sort of pushing the other (occupied) vehicle. What concerns me most is his seeming to have a lack of capacity to realize how dangerous this could have been, how he or others could have been injured. IF god forbid we were sued, we could lose the house....it's just too big a risk. I imagine the insurance could not be renewed or the price escalate as well. Reaction times are also a concern. A few years back dad had frequent visits to a particular MD for cataract follow up. I drove him. He continued to be perturbed because at the freeway off ramp I stayed in a middle lane to get a green light to turn right and then quickly get into the required left turn lane. HE wanted me in the RIGHT lane to turn right on red, which would have then required me to cross oncoming traffic to get in that left lane, a more dangerous move I was avoiding deliberately. That's the sort of thinking that concerns me. I'd be cautious. wishing you the best...

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"Per dad everyone was making a federal case out of a little fender bender."
and
"...a neighbor who knows cars and repairs saw the damages and to the other car as well and questions the description)..."

I hear that! Before the early dementia (perhaps it had already begun, but it would have been VERY mild), mom called about an accident and wanted the car moved to the place she liked for repairs. She told me she "brushed the pole." Two of us went to see this, and OMG, if THAT is brushing the pole, I would hate to see what happens when you HIT it!!!! Only the wiring was holding the bumper, grill, etc on, the hood was bent, the quarter panel pushed back, preventing opening the passenger door, etc... Who knows what else was damaged! Over $6,000!! I was also amazed that the insurance paid it and let her keep driving. She was more like 90 at that time (geez, your dad, 103 and driving!!!)

The repairman came out when we were gaping at the car and told me how not too long ago he replaced the whole "nose" of the car after another accident. My stupid YB never told me about accidents she'd had!! If he had, I would have reconsidered taking her to the RMV to renew her license. In her case, she was making a left turn out of a hearing aid place (the audiologist told her MANY times don't turn left, go right, and turn around at the lights just up the road!!) When she thought it was safe, she started out, then saw someone else coming and tried to "goose" it (BAD judgement) - with an 8-cyl and a 90 yo at the wheel, juicy recipe for disaster!

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You sound like a kind person and a thoughtful husband. Don't let that stop you from considering safety above all else. I was enabling my husband to continue driving well past the point of safety - directing him for all turns and stop lights, etc. One day, we almost had a bad accident going off the road, with our baby great granddaughter in the back seat in her carseat. I was heartsick as I realized how foolish I had been to try to spare his feelings. With his doctor's support, we explained that it was no longer safe for him to drive. I'll be praying for both you and your wife as you work through this difficult time.

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This is a tough call to make. Dad was 96+ and the last year, I know for a fact he drove better than the general population. I mean he drove himself to the grocery store until he finally just let me do the driving because he could relax & enjoy the ride instead. Anyway, the brothers wanted to take his DL away and close out his driving privileges. I really couldn't support that unlss it was something he chose. Why ? Every time I was passenger he obeyed the laws, stopped like he was supposed to at the stop signs, reacted to traffic light changes as good as anyone 1/2 his age. Never exceeded the speed limit and maintained his lane like a boss. He even used turn signals, which we all know most don't. He never tailgated anyone. I looked at the brothers and told them, if anyone was going to lose their license, it would be the motorist that rear ends him. I think the last 9 months, he probably might've been able to only drive around familiar roads/areas. But I looked at his license & driving as a backup. I mean since I lived with him, what if I needed to be taken to the doctor/hospital as an emergency. He drove whenever we took the dog in for grooming once a month. I sat in the back & made sure the dog was OK for the trip. They both passed away 21 days apart from each other eventually. Short of driving himself to the ICU for that last emergency, well, the day before he could've driven anywhere else as well as a lot of other motorists that there is no question that they retain their DL. Some feel that the risk of a heart attack or whatever else might be cause to pull driving privileges. Then again, there are motorists 1/2 his age that could just as easily have had a stroke or heart attack.

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As long as he was driving safely, then that was fine. However, is it possible the brothers saw something you didn't--either because your father made some mistake with them but not when with you, or you simply didn't recognize a deficiency in your father's driving that the brothers did?

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The answer is a resounding and fearful NO! Sounds harsh I know, but if she is getting lost now it is a sign that she should not be driving. This will not "improve" over time or with "practice". Has she been re-diagnosed by a doctor, recently regarding her memory. This is the place to start, Find out if the doctors feel driving is a problem. Then ask them to talk with her also. How well they handle the car is important, however, this is not the real issue. Getting lost is the problem. Once you have gotten the doctors advise, if the recommendation is "no driving", then enlist your daughters, talk with "Mom" as a group/unit about the problem and the recommendations.

Understanding you will most likely get kickback and resistance. Hold firm to what is best and keep on loving no matter what.

Loving prayers for you and your family. Getting older is harder than anyone ever realizes until we get there - and we all will.

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...assuming we're "fortunate" enough to live that long! As my mother used to say, "this business of getting old is certainly no fun!"

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Mild cognitive impairment is dementia. She just has not reached the point of being mentally incompetent. Since your wife needs a lot of coaching when she drives, I would suggest it is time for you to do all the driving. If she gets into an accident, she - and maybe you - are legally liable. Remember all those stories of a senior driver who stepped on the gas instead of the brake and ran over people? It appears your wife could easily be one of those drivers. Please consult her doctor and a lawyer who specializes in elder law if your need more expert opinions.

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Your wife needing coaching to drive is a sure sign that she should not drive alone. Depending on the nature of the coaching it may be a sign that she should not drive at all. If the coaching is of the type that helps avoids accidents and collision that is a definite sign that she should not be driving.

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That is absolutely correct. If there needs to be another person in the car to "coach", then it also makes sense that this other person should be the one doing the actual driving.

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If you believe it is unsafe it probably is. The uncertainty is likely coming from your feelings for your mom. The question is it safe is your gut piecing together all the ways it can be unsafe for your mom and other drivers. My mom, then 79, had an accident and hit a passenger car at an intersection where there was a blinking light. Make plans to transition your mom off the road especially since she already has the cog impairment. There's no way of knowing when her decline will worsen and it could happen while she's driving.

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I would recommend asking her doctor and quite sure they will tell her and you she not to drive anymore. It may be disappointing but better than her having an accident and hurt someone and herself. Financially it could be a liability if she did have an accident affecting both of you. I went thru this with my husband and consulted an attorney and they advised me to discuss with the doctor and have him tell my husband with me present. I do all the driving now and to keep him engaged when we go somewhere I ask him to give
me directions so it is not so drastic. It has been a smooth transition and I sold his car with his approval immediately so he would not be reminded. We agreed to use some of the money to go away for a trip. I hope this helps.

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That was a splendid idea--going on the trip as sort of a "reward" for your husband's willingness to do the right thing.

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Your daughters are most likely never going to get in a car with their mom again. Follow their lead!

I know a few people that you couldn’t pay me a million dollars to take a ride with!

It can’t be repeated too often that safety comes first, safety for your wife, any passengers and others sharing the road with her.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT AGISM! It’s a SAFETY issue. Please don’t bring up teens. We aren’t discussing teens. We are discussing the ELDERLY driving!

I personally feel that each state needs to do more driving tests after a specific age.

I would be the first one to vote for it in my state. I would not argue about complying with more testing. Why? I would NEVER want to be responsible for someone’s death!

No one should have so much pride that they would not agree to further testing to determine if they are capable drivers.

I thank God everyday that my parents were gracious about giving up the car keys. It made it much easier for me. I didn’t have to fight with them. I commend them for not wanting to endanger others or themselves.

I feel the same way about myself when I am no longer capable of driving, please don’t hesitate to take my keys away! Better yet, I will do as my parents did and give my keys and car to you.

My mom gave my car to my brother when she could no longer drive. Sell it or give it away.

When my mom said that she was giving her car to my brother I told her that it was a brilliant idea!

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Typo, My mom gave HER car, not my car. I swear my autocorrect is hexed! LOL

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She is not safe to drive alone ... Nor is she safe to drive with you as a passenger.
If you do not want to be "the bad guy" have her doctor tell her that she can no longer drive.
I told my Husband that the medication he was on said he could not drive. He did not have a problem with that and I think he just forgot that he used to drive.
What happens if she is out driving and gets lost and either has no cell phone coverage, phone is dead or she does not remember to use it.?

"Legal liability" or not what about other aspects of an accident..
She could be killed or severely injured. She could kill or severely injure someone else. Not to mention damage to property.

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I like the idea that it's the medication he's on that says he cannot drive. Put the reason on something where it's not personal, but rather that's just how it is. If driver needs such and such medication and side effect is that he cannot drive, then so be it. He needs the medication more than he needs to drive. I'm glad this approach worked out OK for you. I think it would certainly be worth a try for others as well.

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