Is my wife safe to drive alone?

I have a different perspective on this. I am the one with dementia. I have been driving short distances to buy groceries, etc. I have always been a good driver and observe the laws. However. I am also aware that I am easily distracted. Last week, I when I returned home I could not remember where the button was on the car to open the garage. After I sat there for a while my mind cleared and I figured it out, BUT I am giving up driving because what if I have one of those moments WHILE I am driving. It frightens me to think what could happen. The hubs agrees that he needs to be the sole driver now.

How wonderful you and your wife have loving partners in life. I agree with others here, and your daughters, that she should not be driving anymore. It is not only dangerous for her, but others. My FIL was 87, and I had personally and frightfully experienced his erratic driving and urged my husband and his siblings to take the keys before he killed someone. I used every tactic I could think of, up to greed and said if he caused an accident his entire estate would go to the victim. Nothing worked because they didn't want to take away his independence. He finally drove into a ditch, flipped the car upside down and broke his neck. Thank God it was a one car accident. He died about a year later from complications from the broken neck. I hate to be so fierce and graphic, but that is what can happen.

think Not !!! She’s endangering herself and everyone else on the road!!!!!
get a driving test done !!!!
surprised doctors haven’t suggested. I think you’re too close to see situation rationally!!!!
horrible to lose independence but much worse if she causes accident.
you’re at fault because you know she’s impaired.

The simple answer is no - she's not safe to be driving. I went through the same thing with my 68 year old wife. She has Parkinson's and Parkinson's Psychosis which is a cognitive disorder. She get's confused quite often plus has muscle control issues. I made the tough decision to take her driving privileges away, which wasn't easy. She was furious with me but she got over it and later realized that it was the right thing to do. You can't take the chance that she could possible kill herself and/or someone else. With driving privileges you have to stay on the safe side. Loss of independence is tough on everyone and our initial reaction is to rebel, but eventually we all come to our senses and realize that it's for the best.

Gonna have to agree with your daughters on this one.  No, it is not safe for her drive.  When you have cognitive impairment, practicing won't help.  She is not some inexperienced driver that can improve with practice.  She is 76 and has some sort of brain impairment.  It is going to be more work for everyone around her to drive her everywhere or take on the tasks that she normally handles, but it is not safe to let your wife drive.  Many of the healthy brain facilities that diagnose conditions like these also have simulated driving tests that they can give.  My mom failed it twice, so that was our argument for telling her she can no longer drive.  You might check into that... to make your case and ease some of your guilt on the matter.

If you’re still reading replies here, the answer seems obvious, but I suspect you knew it all along. Your quandary isn’t how to decide. Nor is it how to tell your wife. It’s how you will live with her anger at you. It’s how to get through the weeks/months between now and when somebody else makes this decision for you. If your wife has her own car, it’s time for it to go “in the shop.” The brakes need work? The alignment is off? Be inventive. Start driving your wife where she needs to go — or stay home with her. Covid is raging in your area? Your daughters are coming to see her....instead of her visit to them? Say and do what’s needed between now and when it’s determined by health experts that your wife can no longer drive.

My husband was also driving with some known short term memory issues. He had “bumped” a cement block in a parking lot & made a hole in the fender of his car shortly after he bought it. The end of his driving came when he took our daughters car, drove over 300 miles into another state and drove it into a ditch. He totaled the car, was diagnosed with a UTI at the ER which only added to his confusion. The officer I spoke with said he had been following him & that he had almost caused 2 accidents. He actually thought he was drunk until he spoke with him. We ended up obtaining a lawyer in OR as he had been ticketed for reckless driving. Two court appearances and a fine. His car is in another location & I need to sell it. He gets really angry sometimes about not being able to drive, but thats just to bad. This could have been so much worse. Please just tell your wife she’s no longer safe to drive. Hide the keys if you need to

She is so lucky to have you! You will be sure she stays social and gets where she needs to be.

She should not be driving the car alone anymore. So far, she has been lucky and able to contact someone if she is lost. Explain to her that it would be too easy to get herself into a scary situation - the wrong person approaches to try to 'help' and takes advantage of her. If you still feel safe being the rider while she's driving, then go for it, however, remember there could come a time that she forgets which pedal is stop and which one is go. A brief moment of 'forgetting what she knows about driving' could risk her life and/or someone else's. Play on that part of it when talking to her - what if she harmed someone else, how badly she would feel.

My grandmother, many moons ago, got lost going to her friends house. She got help to get turned around into the right direction, but she took the car home and said that was enough. A neighbor also witnessed her pulling out of the subdivision into the oncoming path of a loaded log truck. It scared her that she put others in danger. She, thankfully, hung the keys up and said no more. We were lucky that it was her decision.

After having the chat with her, go for a ride with you driving. Then go to driver's side each time after that to get her used to being the passenger. I've heard it said if you do something 10 times in a row, you are creating a habit. This won't be easy for her to give up because she is trying so hard to exercise her brain, but it is certainly safer.

Not sure how lawsuits work in your state, but I would bet another party would jump on the fact (if they knew) that her mental condition has been documented by a doctor. What assets could be lost in your state if sued? Could be big loss. I've always told my family if I am killed or severely injured in a car wreck, to go after the other driver's phone records and see if there was the possibility of distraction by phone, texts, other messages they were replying to. I get so sick of having people swerving into other lanes (with head down/phone held at steering wheel level, etc), driving slow/then fast - they think they are multi-taskers, but they are really nothing more than serious risk takers. Priority is the road.

I write from the patients perspective. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ 4.5 yrs ago. After my Neuro Psych Exam, I had an appointment with myNeuro Dr. I was 57 when I was diagnosed. I brought up the subject of driving, she'd done the physical work up before reading the Neuro-Psych report. She said physically and based on the Neuro-Psych Report it didn't indicate that I was not safe to drive. We agreed at each follow up appointment she'd test me and talk about driving. At my Jan 2020 appt she told me I was still fine to drive. On the first Saturday in March, I told my DW, I was stopping driving, I didn't feel comfortable behind the wheel. I had only one moving violation in 45 yrs of driving and that was 30 yrs ago, last accident was 25yrs ago, when hit from behind by and unlicensed driver.
Yes, I am completely dependent on my DW, and adult children for transportation. I am the first patient my Neuro Dr. has had the patient stop driving of their own volition, in her 20 yrs of private practice. Not once have I said, I'd like to be able to drive, I know I'm not safe out their anymore, and neither are you, if I were driving.
I'd like to encourage those of you facing this very difficult subject with your LO to bring up the driving discussion and arrange for your LO and you to have an appointment with their doctor and discuss whether they are capable of still driving. To those that are just beginning to face the driving issue, bring it up earlier rather than later when it can be very contentious. Good luck to all.

Now. She needs to stop now. What happens when she gets lost and forgets her phone number? Or how to use a phone?

Sorry posted twice.

JF, sorry about your diagnosis. Very good advice.

I'll never forget the time my Dad and I were doing yard work along the road behind our property when a woman drove by and asked us for directions. It quickly became apparent that she was more than simply lost because she had difficulty remembering my directions, which were quite simple. I told her to take a left at the first stop sign, then a left at the next stop sign then a left at the second light. She drove off and took a left at the first driveway. She backed down the driveway and I ran over to her and said to her why don't you pull over and I will help you find your home and family. I called 911 and explained the situation. I learned that the police had been looking for her for two hours and her family was distraught. A police officer soon arrived and we kept her company until her daughter and SIL arrived.

Now, a couple of comments about this story.
1. She got lost is a very safe community on roads with extremely low traffic volumes. What if this was not the case? Who would she have encountered and how patient would other drivers have been?
2. I am a trained professional in memory care and recognized the cognitive decline and confusion before she drove up the neighbor's driveway. I offered to lead her to her destination, but she insisted she was fine and declined. Her pride interfered with her own safety and I was dumb to listen to her.
3. Her confusion on location prevented her from being a safe driver. How many times have we encountered a lost driver and had to make evasive moves because the lost driver so caught up in their location search made an unexpected stop or acceleration or turn. Now imagine a person with cognitive decline trying to figure out where in the world they are? The lady who came by our house had been a resident of the town for more than 50 years and she was miles off track.
4. I see regularly in the news stories about elderly family members missing. They left in their car and haven't been seen. Some stories have happy endings and some don't. I remember one particular story of a women's body and car being found two months later because she had driven off an embankment in a rural area nowhere near her home.
5. AAA and insurance companies offer and often require driving classes for our elderly community, and this includes drivers with perfect records. Study after study has shown that the older the person is, the slower the reaction time. A younger person is going to recognize a dangerous driving situation much more quickly and respond to the situation much more quickly than an elderly driver. Add in cognition challenges and the risk of an accident increases even more.
6. Giving up driving is perhaps the hardest decision our seniors have to make. It represents a true loss of independence and a serious reality check on their age and physical decline. Often our parents/spouses do not want to recognize this as it is a clear step towards mortality. Who can blame our seniors for not wanting to face this. Admitting my spouse is declining means admitting am declining. This is the juncture where pride brings about serious consequences to the community, not just our seniors.
7. By driving a car, a person with cognition challenges endangers everyone, including themselves, their passengers, the little boy down the road, the neighbor's dog and every other car on the road. How would your LO feel if he/she hit the little boy who lived down the road because they accelerator pedal was mistaken for the brake pedal when the ball came rolling across the street?

The kindest thing you can do for a LO with memory loss is to prevent him or her from driving. Please do not let you LO's pride rule the day. This is literally a safety issue. If there is any question about a person with memory loss driving, you know deep down that it is time to stop driving.

How to stop a LO from driving when memory challenges no longer make it safe? Here are some suggestions.
1. Always grab the car keys and driver's seat first. Tell your LO you are really in the mood to drive and you know they won't mind. Then thank them for letting you drive.. Your LO will have difficulty remembering this conversation each time you drive. This will gradually get your LO out of the habit of driving.
2. Peer pressure goes a long way, so talk to some of your LO's peers. These are their friends who are the same age or older, so enlist their help. A close friend of your LO can call up LO and bring up as part of the conversation the risks of driving with a diagnosis of memory impairment. The friend can talk about how the person with memory loss will most likely be blamed even if the other driver caused the accident. And more importantly, if the person with memory loss is blamed, depending on the seriousness of the accident, the liability could lead to financial ruin for the family. Does LO want to risk family being destitute?
3. Meanwhile,, set up an appointment with your LO's doctor and tell the doctor the purpose of the appointment is that your LO's driving is no longer safe and you
need help showing your LO that it is time to stop driving.
4. Have a trusted advisor talk to LO about the pros and cons of continuing to drive.
5. if the above steps don't work, hide the keys. No keys, no car. When LO asks for keys, distract LO and "forget" to get the keys.
6. Remove the car from the premises and tell LO it is in the shop for repairs or, if you repair the car yourself, remove a part disabling the car and tell LO you are waiting for a part to come in.
7. Distraction is the key. Come up in advance with several ways to distract your LO when he/she wants to drive.
I hope this helps.

First of all, discuss this with the doctor who tends to her. And have her evaluated by the Motor Vehicle Division. I have the feeling she should NOT be allowed to drive because of obvious memory problems, and never alone. But what can YOU do if she drives and does something bad? Nothing. I would not take the chance given what you describe.

There are many more, infinitely safer ways for your wife to exercise her brain. Work with a neuropsychologist or other rehabilitation professional to set up programs to mitigate the impact of her decline. One of the best things she can do is to learn to play a musical instrument. Diffusion tensor imaging shows that this lights up the brain more than most therapies. As for continuing to drive, your wife may have a drivers license but that does not give her the right to endanger others. You don't have dementia, right? You should consider it your responsiblity if you enable her.

Geof, I see that you are pursuing the end of her driving. Good job.

Obviously she is concerned about losing abilities by not working them. So I recommend that you have one of your grandchildren set you guys up with a video game that has driving. This can help exercise her brain and quite frankly, provide you both with some good entertainment and learning. All while safe and sound in your own home.

My dad could spend hours playing golf on my playstation.

Best of luck to both of you during this new season of life.

Perhaps you need to figure out what you will say to the family of the person who she injures or kills if she has another 'tingle.'

Imho, your daughters have the correct assessment; their mother should NOT be behind the wheel of a motor vehicle.

Get her an a driving assessment ASAP. Your doctor should be able to refer you to a therapy hospital for the assessment. If she shouldn't be driving, they will tell you and pass on a report to her doctor and maybe even the DMV. I understand that you or your daughters will be needed to take her places and it will be an adjustment. You will NOT always be able to have the availability to take her where and when she wants to go. That will be an adjustment that she will have to get used to. When an elderly person has to stop driving, they have to adjust to the new life just like you do. You won't be cutting her off from going out, but as her caregiver, you will need to pay attention to your own needs as well. It can be a difficult time, but , in time, you can figure out how to make it work. There is an app in some areas called "Grandparents Uber and Gogo Grandparent." If your wife is still able to adequately use her cell phone, it may be a way to allow her some independence.

I think what you have described of your wife getting lost while driving is the answer to your question. Driving requires many complex systems in the brain. There is no way she will get better. She will get worse sooner or later. I like the saying that a good driver knows when it is time to stop driving. I hope I will know when to stop. I am on my own and I like to drive but I don't drive when I need to take medication or am recovering from an illness, or very tired. It seems your wife may not be able to evaluate her condition. You will not be able to tell for sure until she has an accident. Then you might blame yourself for letting her drive.
For some old folks I know, driving is part of feeling like yourself and not facing the fact that you are losing some of your functions. Some old folks refuse to admit they are going deaf or need glasses. It is part of getting old. Better to face the facts and make adjustments. You need to tell her she should not drive anymore. You need to stop her. But she is very lucky because she has you to drive her. And I can see that you love her and that is wonderful.

The minute you refuse to be a passenger in a car that a person with dementia is driving, it is no longer a safe experience for anyone else either.

Disclaimer: Provided one's own cognitive abilities are not declining.

NeedHelp & disgustedtoo,
Something weird is going. I write a message and it disappears and reappears after I rewrite it. I get words inserted that I did not type and some are misspelled that I have typed correctly. I can't log in correctly, I need to put my password in each time. Too busy for this and hope someone fixes it soon. I thought it was my new computer Who do we call or email?

Your wife's symptoms sound exactly like my own mother's at the beginning. My father had her diagnosed with dementia, but didn't take to a neurologist to learn about the specific type, just told me it is not Alzheimer's dementia.
Through a LOT of reading, I have concluded she has FTD, frontotemporal degeneration. It affected her memory and language first. She did what your wife is trying to do, "exercising her brain," with rituals of puzzles and games online. I don't think it really slowed anything down. She also started using generic words in place of specific ones, then gradually sank into complete aphasia.
It took a lot to convince my dad that she wasn't safe driving. My sibs and I were all very worried she would cause an accident. I had to have my dad ride in the car with me while she drove and pointed out all the unsafe choices she made in the 3 mile round trip to the store. At first he argued that "her driving choices aren't THAT bad," but he reluctantly agreed to hide the keys. She was very upset, of course. Later I learned that he secretly gave them to her when she complained enough because he didn't want to drive her himself. I think he was too close to the situation to have good judgment. We were very lucky she had no accidents before she finally stopped remembering how to drive.
Several years later, Dad totaled his car and another person's car and could have killed someone by running a red light he "didn't notice." Now he doesn't drive, either. All people over 60 should probably plan for having someone else tell them when they are unsafe to drive.
Please believe your daughters. They probably notice things you don't notice because you are used to living with your wife and the way she drives. You probably know the fable about the frog that eventually boils alive because it doesn't notice the water gradually getting hotter.

This thread from the original post through the comments led to me having a conversation with my Mum. Mum is 86 and still driving a standard. We live about 3 miles apart in the same community.

Mum's house is about 2 miles from downtown and other services, whereas I am 4 blocks from a grocery store, a 7 minute walk to the doctor's office etc.

This winter Mum has realized that she her night vision is going, especially when it is raining.

I told her that if I do not think she is safe driving, that I will make sure she can no longer drive. She replied that where she lives a car is needed (no transit). To which I responded, then perhaps she needs to think about living right in town where services are walking distance. She knows she can get grocery delivery, taxis etc.

Mum knows I am serious and she is starting to think albeit reluctantly about selling and moving closer to town. She has an older dog, who is lovely and an elderly cat and wants to make sure they can move with her. She also spends time every day in her garden and would need some green space. She would be renting

I agree with your daughters, if she is asking you to make sure the direction she should turn or if she can't remember the streets in the town she lived in for 50+ years..........time to disable the car, hide the keys or whatever.  Tell her that it is getting to dangerous for her to be on the road with other bad drivers (don't put the blame on her).........because what would happen IF she did go out, forgot where going, ended up someplace that was not safe, forgot her cellphone, etc OR worse yet.....went down a one-way road in the wrong direction and hit someone head on.....killing others and/or her.  that is something that you would have to live with for a long time.  It is NOT worth it........just explain that you will be her chauffer from now on and enjoy the ride.  wishing you luck.........next time her drivers license comes up for renewal.......either do not renew, get doctor to tell her she can't drive........and just get her an ID.

I would say from your description she should NOT be driving. Do whatever you need to do to stop her before she harms herself or someone else. Have you seen Amber Alerts for elderly persons? They go to the store and forget how to get home. Get lost. It’s a very frightening thing when the get lost and they panic. In Ohio a few years ago 2 women went shopping. Got confused and ended up missing for weeks. Police found them in the car, off the freeway behind large sign in snow They said they must have gotten confused(as they had in the past) and pulled off the road waiting for help. They had no phones. A horrible way to pass away for the victims and family.
I had to take my mothers keys, she was 89 yrs old and I am STILL hearing about it. She just turned 95!! It was not easy to do but far better than living with a tragedy.
GOOD LUCK.

I am in the same boat as you. I tried to get the doctors to take the lead on this. But all they kept saying was, in 6 months we can re-evaluate. Or he can drive if you're with him. There is no way I want him at the wheel and neither does anyone else in the family. I'm terrified of the consequences. I have hidden the key, told him he can't drive and after 18 months of doctors who won't write an order saying definitively that he can't drive, I have finally taken the bull by the horns to say that I am selling the car and working with him to see the bright side of how that will save us money and space.