Living with my aging, ill health mother to help her. I can't take her histrionics any longer. Am I a terrible person if I move out?

You don't owe your mom anything. It's not your responsibility to take care of her or fix her problems. I can see why it's difficult to be around her you should read a bit about narcissistic or histrionic personality disorder (very similar). Your mom seems to be creating her own reality with her lies, playing victim or hero, & anything else she can do to get attention (negative or otherwise). She probably sucks the life out of anyone new, but after a few weeks or months this new person turns out to be an enemy. The utter truth of the matter is she is doing all this in an effort to control/manipulate you. You must feel like walking on eggshells & any false move is going to set her off into some degree of rage. My mom exhibits all of these behaviors (and more) but also has dementia. But the dementia (at least for me) is entirely secondary to the years of repeating the same profile of her shenanigans. Narcissists/histrionics are very predictable because their "toolbox" has only a few tools: they are effective & used to control others. BUT, and this is the clincher: they get worse as they get older. They're just not as good at it as when they were younger. It's called decompensating and usually includes the person having spent a majority of their life being covert and sneaky about trying to ruin other people's lives and generally make everyone unhappy, to overt -- totally out there and compulsive without much effort at trying to hide the lies and manipulation as well as they once did. They get louder and meaner as time goes on, and they attempt to dump mass quantities of guilt and shame on their LOs. Guilt is for what you have/haven't done, and shame is for who you are. This is a personality disorder of the Cluster B type -- the same category as antisocial personality disorder, and the all time favorite -- serial killers. These people have no empathy for anyone. It's all me, me, me. So, after all this, what are your options? She'll never change because she views herself as perfect. They reject professional help in many ways because they fear being found out, and they know more than the professionals do anyway. Your mom needs you to be there to beat up on emotionally. You are both an actor in the play and the play itself. It makes her feel good to be in control of you and others. They feed off your vulnerabilities and knowing exactly the right buttons to push. She will never, ever stop. You might even get an apology at some point (which is pure manipulation and is not heartfelt at all). Your choices are stay and be abused, or leave and have your own life. That's about it. Choosing to stay means you accept the way she is because you have absolutely no way to have any positive influence on her life or the way she acts. In other words, you can't change her. She has no motivation to change or improve because she's got you as a well trained whipping post. Maybe there's a few other relatives she's the same way with. Choosing to leave is, in my opinion, the only way to deal with such people -- which is not at all. We are products of our society and it tells us we are schmucks for leaving Mommy in her time of need and this makes the guilt overwhelming. Guilt is just another emotion tho, & a painful one that they keep in constant play to further manipulate you. All the lies. They start looking really stupid when they get older and these fantastic lies spew forth & they can't keep their stories straight. No human can bare a mother like ours, unless we have some emotional/mental disorder ourselves, such as codependency. I bet you have few friends. She likes to keep you isolated for herself. I say to hell with people like this. I tell myself something of this nature over and over: Now is the time I do not TOLERATE anything less than what I deserve. Say it, mean it, practice it. Nobody should have to tolerate abuse. Make your happy plan & start today, A shared past does not a relationship make.

If your Mother has only weeks to live - I'd say breathe deep & see it through. But if we are talking years or decades...

Advice from a counselor I met: firstly, listen to calming music in the evenings or powerwalk - whatever it is that helps you unwind (but preferably not 2 bottles of wine).

Secondary, take a little break. A full day away, a weekend. This will help to get a bit of perspective.

You may have been sucked into living HER life with her.... while your life slowly withers...

It takes time to disconnect from her life & reconnect to your own. I think it's called *detaching with love*. It doesn't mean abandoning your Mother, just redrawing the boundaries. It may mean finding replacement services for things you were doing. A win/win. She gets help. You get a life.

Please accept that your mother isn’t going to change, and the only one capable of making changes here is you. And caring for yourself is every bit as valid and important as caring for others. You can help mom find a better plan for the things she needs help with, a life alert button for falls, a helper for household tasks, etc. But ultimately it’s on her to allow into her life what she needs. If she doesn’t, that’s not your fault. It’s never terrible to guard your health

Statistics show that a good number of caregivers die before the person they are caring for. So your feeling of dying earlier are not out of the realm of possibility.
Now to the questions for you....
What care does your mom need? Would she be alight living on her own? What are her option to live safely?
If she can safely live on her own then yes find a place of your own and move out.
If she can not safely live on her own then you / she would have to find a caregiver that would help her unless you could convince her to move into Assisted Living (Independent Living if she can safely care for herself)
If she refuses to move then you move out and wait for some catastrophic occurrence that will force a move to AL after a bout of rehab.
Stop taking her to the ER if she calls you and it is an "emergency" she should call 911.
Start setting boundaries.
Give her 1 day a week where you help her with what she needs done.
If she calls any other time tell her, mom we will take care of it on XXXday.
If you are on the phone and she starts an argument say. "mom I am not going to get into this" and hang up. If you are at the house and she starts say.. "mom I am not going to get into this" and get your purse and coat and leave. If you are in the car either turn around and bring her home or if that is not possible put earbuds in.

At this point it sounds like you have no choice but to move out, and start taking care of yourself, before you become one of the statistics where the caregiver dies before the one being cared for. You don't owe your mom anything. You've done more than enough, and only you can decide when enough is enough.

And from what you describe, mom probably needs to be living in a facility where there will be someone to care for her 24/7, as she doesn't need to be living alone. So it's time to find your mom a new place to live in a facility, where she can drive the people there crazy, and time for you to move back to your home, where you can start to heal, and start living your life again. It'll be a win win situation for you both. God bless.

If it were me I would move out. 6 years is a long time and no way to know how much longer this could go on. Your life matters just as much as your moms.

I kind of stopped at "she doesn't have dementia". Your mother is 73, 5 years younger than me. She will likely live another two decades. Yes, of course you move out. That is what grown children do. They move out and move on with their own lives. You supply your mother with emergency phone numbers.
You honestly have two choices. Sacrifice your life to this sad woman, or have a life. Neither are easy choices and only you can make them. Do understand that there are people in our country living this life every single day who never had a child to sacrifice their lives on the altar. You will grieve the fact that this is the life you Mother has, and has had for some time, but it is time now to live the only life you will ever have any control over whatsoever, your own. I am so sorry, as this will be painful to do, but as you have noted, others have made this decision for themselves. If you leave you may be able to discuss SOME support with your brother. However, be aware he may not want to be pulled into what will be nothing but a mess during your mother's lifetime.
You have a difficult decision; I would suggest help and support of a psychologist or other therapist (Social Workers are often good when they counsel on life passges, and you may even get extra pointers of phone numbers for your Mom to access as/if she wishes).
Let your Mom know that this is a plan now for you (should you decide) and give her a 1 or 2 month window in which you can both explore options for her should she choose to do that. Good luck. Call Adult Protective Services in your area and tell them that you are doing it now in hope of numbers for support so that you don't have to call them in future about an adult at risk who is a lone. Tell them you HAVE TO MOVE. It isn't necessary to discuss with them all the whys and wherefores. And of course tell them that your mother does not have dementia.

Wow, your mother has the exact same personality as my gallerist. I depend on my gallerist for my career and she actually does have a good gallery. But before saying anything at all to her, I run it through my mind to find if there is any possible way it might insult her. She is always right, no matter the situation. I don't live with my gallerist, though, or talk to her every day. Living with this sort of behavior has to be awful! You do not depend on your mom for anything, so don't be there for her to depend on either. Stay in touch with her, help her from afar, but move closer to your work. There are transportation possibilities she could look into to get to appointments. She can have one of those emergency buttons if she falls. She could even hire someone to pick up the trash bag for her. Help her set up any assistance she might need, but please don't stay there.

You know your mom better than others. Don’t feel any guilt over wanting to leave. You are equally as important to your mom. Do what you have to do to live your best life.

You are aware that you cannot control her actions. You are wise in desiring to make positive changes in your life.

Allow the chips to fall where they may. Many on this site have been in your shoes. Stick around. Read the posts that will help you sort this mess out. Take their words to heart.

Wishing you all the best in this difficult and challenging situation. Take care.

Listen..........true story: one time when my father was in the hospital with a broken hip & my narcissistic mother could NOT bear that all the attention was on HIM instead of her, she insisted I take her to the ER for BLACK & BLUES on her arms. So, while dad was upstairs being surgically repaired, mom was downstairs in the ER! Know what the ER doc said to her? "What are you doing here for black & blues Josephine? You are on blood thinners & should know better." HA! Except the joke was on ME, as the only child and the one to bear the brunt of ALL of her ongoing & never ending histrionics. I'm 63 years old now, so for the past 60 years I've been enduring this BS.

My mother does the exact same thing as yours and behaves (or misbehaves, I should say) herself exactly as yours does. Every single thing is a huge exaggeration and God forbid ANYONE say ANYTHING to her that she can possibly misconstrue...............heaven help us all!!!!!!!

One time, her and dad went to Sam's Club where she proceeded to OPEN up a full bag of some kind of snack to 'try a sample'. Well, the security guard cornered her and told her she was STEALING and had to pay for the bag she opened. Let me tell you.............THAT story of the Big Bad Security Guard Who Did Such A Horrible Horrible Thing To HER was told and re-told for YEARS! SHE did nothing wrong! SHE was taking a SAMPLE which is her RIGHT TO DO in any store she sees fit. Betcha can relate, huh? :(

Your mother is strong like bull, in reality. She has PLENTY of strength to take the garbage bag out of the can, but why should she when she has YOU to do it FOR her? Others should be her servants! That is their lot in life while she sits on her throne and has grapes peeled for her and fed into her precious mouth! Don't buy into the nonsense anymore. If she's really THAT weak, it's time to move into Assisted Living mother, and to pay others to do for you, because I'm DONE. Period.

Move out. Now. While you still have your mind intact. While your blood pressure is still in this stratosphere and you're not on 100 medications to save your life. Because she can easily outlive YOU. My mother will be 94 soon and is doing fine; fat and healthy, although to hear HER tell it, it's one histrionic drama story after another. She lives in a Memory Care ALF (since 2014) even though there's NOTHING wrong with her at ALL (moderate dementia) and all the others are 'stupid morons', not HER. This week alone (and it's only Wednesday morning), her arm is KILLLLLLLLLLLLING her from 'almost falling on the floor' and her va-jay-jay is BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRNING so badly and also KILLLLLLLLLLING her so they had to take a urine specimen (that was another whole tirade of a story), she didn't sleep at ALLLLLLLLLLL on Monday night and her legs need to be CUT OFFFFFFFFFFFFFF because of the HORRRRRRRRRRIBLE pain they're causing. Do you feel my pain? But hey, at least she lives in another location and is someone else's problem for 23.5 hours a day! Even they at the ALF know about her tendency to 'exaggerate' and tell 'stories' so they take what she says with a grain of salt. AKA: The boy who cried wolf syndrome.

Don't be a statistic. Many of us care givers wind up dying BEFORE the elder we're caring for because of the histrionics you mention. Take care of YOU now, you've done enough. MORE than enough. Don't buy into ANY of the guilt trips that others may try to lay onto you. Just slough them off and DO NOT lay them on YOURSELF, please. You are doing nothing wrong here, as I am not. THESE WOMEN are the ones who are mentally unbalanced, not US. Repeat that phrase over and over again until you believe it in your heart. Then you can move on with your life and allow yourself to flourish.

What's actually wrong with her health?

Anything?

Oo.

And when did you move in? You say only that you've been staying with her, so I assume it's not the full six year stretch.

Would she allow aides to come in? I certainly would move out (6 years isn't exactly a "stay"!) Given what you've listed for conditions, she should have someone there, but it shouldn't be you. Obviously you don't want to leave her alone, just in case, but the situation is NOT good for you.

If you don't feel you can discuss this with her, gather information about various companies that provide in-home care-givers and leave that with her. If she needs help with personal care (bathing, etc), she might be able to get a little Medicare paid assistance (the nurse who came before the aides to assess/test mom told me that being housebound and accepting personal care would qualify for Medicare paid assistance - not 24/7, but anything helps!)

Find yourself a place, and plan your move. If possible, consult with her doctor's office - perhaps they can help find someone to discuss her living conditions (aka needs help) or can recommend/order her to someplace for evaluation. If you don't have POAs, they can't discuss her condition(s) with you, but you can discuss the issues YOU see with them. NOTE: don't let them guilt you into staying!

Unless there are exceptionally heavy things in the trash, not being able to lift the trash bag sounds pretty serious - my trash bags are not heavy (until I mingle everything into the BIG bag, too many cat food cans, which I just found out I can put in the metal pile! YAY!) Is she really that weak, or is that part of the charades?

"...because I have actually told my father that with her and my brother both (he's also extremely narcissistic, but that's a whole 'nother story) it's as if they've put me in some stage production/play and have cast me as "the bad guy". "

Do your father and brother tell you to move out, as both of them did? Will you consider moving out and leaving her to her own devices? I take it she is still mentally competent (not deemed incompetent). What kinds of caregiving do you have to do for her?

Your mom should wear one of those life-alert devices. After all, unless you are medically trained, what is the point in calling you for medical help? Call 911!! Since she is competent, she is responsible for making reasonable efforts to help herself if she decides to live alone. Her choices are hers, yours are yours.

Burned out please don’t leave your mom. She didn’t leave you when you were growing up. Though she suffers from depression perhaps you should seek some medical help for her. Sounds like she is a touch of dramatic but also has a touch of anxiety that go along with that. Just because you’re taking care of her doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take care of yourself. Suck it up and help yourself with an positive attitude that could possibly rub off on her. Buy your mom some flower this weekend.

I don't think a Lifeaid (or similar) fall alert device is selfish at all. Sounds like common sense to me.

A cleaning service too.

My relative also said 'I don't want a cleaner, a stranger in my home etc". But they had lost insight the place NEEDED cleaning.

I found the cleaners not only cleaned, but tidied, ensuring trip hazard free floors. Plus a social chat.

Even better, some home help staff are also trained aides & provide personal care. Each decline in function, a little more help has been snuck in... It is working well.

Something to keep in mind?