My husband and I moved to the east coast from California to be with my 87 year old mother after my dad died suddenly. We’ve been living together for 3 years. financially it’s been a blessing for us and we don’t have to worry about my mom’s care. She’s in great shape and we’ve always had a wonderful relationship. Over time though, I’m noticing that things are changing and most upsetting is my lack of patience with her. We used to be able to talk for hours, now I can barely stand 15 minutes. We disagree on issues a lot more now which is surprising to me and pretty much everything that drove her crazy about her mother is repeating with us. I realize things will change as we both age but asking the group for general advice about patience (how to develop it) for a person who has been so easy in the past
Everyone needs breathing space. Why are you living with her if she is in good health?
Be honest with yourself. Are you tired of living with her? Do you miss being in your own home? Do you miss the west coast? I feel these questions are more important than wanting to become more patient. There could be reasons why you are growing more impatient.
Care to elaborate on how you feel?
Best wishes to you and your family.
Why did you move? Why didn’t your mother move to be near you ? Many people move to be near parents and it’s not good for them. They uproot their lives , jobs , lose friends . The person that needs help should be the one that moves , if possible . You say you don’t have to worry about Mom’s care. What does that mean ? Perhaps too much togetherness is the issue. Despite living with your mother’s constant company you could very well be lonely for friendships with people your own age . Maybe it’s time to no longer live together . Can Mom live on her own , or hire help in , or Mom sell her house to you and she go to assisted living ? Or mom sell the house to some else and you find a place to live?
What kind of things drove her crazy about her mom that are now repeating themselves?
At 87, I can't help but wonder if she is starting with some cognitive decline. It happens to just about everyone, if they live long enough. My mom, at 80, has mild/moderate dementia (depending on the moment).
I used to enjoy chatting with my mom but now it is quite difficult. It went from her repeating the same stupid stories over and over again to now not being able to hold up her end of the convo. Some days I'm able to prattle on and say stuff about my kids and grandkids, hubby, etc. Some days, I just don't have it in me.
The patience part comes from accepting that they are declining and can't help the way they behave and converse (or not). You've been blessed to have an easy mom for so very long - doesn't make it any easier as they shift into a new stage of the aging process.
What kind of issues are you disagreeing on? I would try not to engage in any kind of argumentativeness with her. Let it go, unless it is super important or a safety issue and even then, it may be best to tread lightly.
You might need some time apart. If she can safely be alone, get out of the house alone more. Encourage her to get involved in the senior center or something similar. Hire a "cleaning lady" that can come over and do light cleaning and visit with your mom while you get out of the house.
Best of luck.
You said you and your mother disagree on a lot more issues now than before. So, you irritate each other more. Perhaps, you can try
--ignoring her comments,
--not taking them personally
--asking yourself: Does this matter ___ months/years from now? If not, let her win.
--frequently reminding yourself the things that she and you agree on.
--frequently reminding yourself the good things and benefits of living with her.
--asking yourself: Will I regret this after she dies?
I cared for my mother. Our relationship was never very good. But, the list you provided is great, and almost word for word what I was thinking to myself during the time I was caring for her. Got me through a lot.
Ignore the comments-just how she's always talked to me.
Don't take it personally. I made a very nice life for myself when I left home and am in a good enough place to care for her too.
We would agree about watching old movies and music.
The benefit of Mom living with me during those 19 months is she got to see more of her kids their children.
Will I regret this after she dies. So important. One of my mother's friend told me this and to think about critical decisions carefully and think of the impact in the future and after she dies. Would those decisions be ok and would I be ok with them. Yep. I honestly do not have any regrets in that regard.
I’ve spent so long reflecting on why it’s so different now. Obviously it’s different because she’s lost her partner—I lived across the country for 28 years—but we always had some ease with each other that seems to be lost now. It feels so sad and unexpected
When he was in the hospital and home with helpers I noticed that they had been trained to politely indicate that they had HEARD ("Oh, really?" "Well." "unh-huh.") and that was enough, they continued with their work as though nothing was happening. It's tougher when it involves getting him to do something, like remove pants he has had an accident in (he insists that "it's not much" and doesn't care that he's dripping excrement as he walks -- and yes, he does wear pull-ups). Somehow the nurses' neutral tone worked better than mine, which always seems to have an unspoken element of "Oh no! Not AGAIN!" in it. People here have suggested dealing with it as with a child. Like you I am not good with children and now I am not good with a 93-year-old child. But practicing neutrality and giving up on the idea of recapturing the relationship of the past have helped me. I really have no choice and possibly neither do you. I have started thinking of my husband as "the patient." And in truth -- the person who is living in his body is NO LONGER a person I really know.
Part of what you have described is something I have too -- it's like constant mourning. Unlike a sudden death, his condition is just a tiny bit of death every day...he is disappearing. Being in constant mourning for my marriage and my husband is psychologically and emotionally exhausting. But that seems to be what many of us are having to endure.
It's like a boyfriend/girlfriend who got along great before they moved in together.
You get involved in activities that will get you away from the house.
If nothing else that will give you time away from each other and involvement in other people. And it will give you something to talk about over dinner.
If mom is able there are programs at Senior Centers.
If mom is well cognitively there are Volunteer opportunities. If not there are Adult Day programs that would give her something to do in a safe environment.
When an "argument" starts WALK AWAY. Go start a load of laundry, start dinner anything to defuse.
If she follows you, go to the bathroom.
Wear earbuds or headphones so you can listen to music or audio book.
It is often said that 2 (adult) women should not be in the same household. The fact that this is "her" house she may feel like you have taken over.
You just described my mother and myself.
She is repeating every behavior of which she complained about her own mother!
😐
As my mom's memory issues continued to progress I had a difficult time with patience because I kept trying to be logical with her when she could no longer understand logic. She recently told me in a moment of clarity that she understood my frustration but that she was hurt by some of those conversations. That was tough for me to hear because it wasn't my intent but it happened none the less.
So, I've learned to put logic aside and I try to meet her in her reality. I agree to illogical things as long as they are not dangerous. I don't correct the mistakes in her stories or memories anymore. Basically, I stopped fighting her reality.
Since I live a few states away from her it's a bit easier in some ways. When I am with her and need space I invent an errand, change the subject, or sometimes I don't respond and just let her keep talking. Not sure if this will help with patience but it helps me with my sanity.
Be sure that you both are getting spiritual and emotional support from each of your community faith leaders of choice or a community chaplain. I put this first as it will provide a cumulative relationship building opportunity for each of you individually to have someone to vent to and get support , or perhaps together at times to help sort out new or changing boundaries that are needed, old or new grief ( about life past or present losses, changes) decisions etc.
Be sure also that you both are seeing your PCP regularly and sharing these challenges. As your mother ages and, perhaps she begins to sense aging more, more limitations on what she is able to do or serious diagnosis she may become angry, in denial etc etc ( grieving) and, that is often directed at the one living in the home, the
" primary caregiver". She may even forget or choose to not acknowledge the help that you are and, solely look at the situation as she is doing you the favor by " letting" you live with her. Or, you may have health changes that need more attention and therefore render patience more limited.
" Aging in place" as one term calls it still carries many challenges.
Also be sure that your mother's PCP has provided a " level of care assessment" for her so that you can have a licensed social worker or case manager referred to you to help navigate support systems that may be available to help with your mother's care ( or yours); this may help you have more time for self care and much needed breaks.
Remember too that regardless of love, human nature is for the most part fearful of aging and dying. And, as someone else once said, ' there is no house big enough for two families ( women)'. Some food for thought as you plow ahead and look for support in what will most likely be an on going journey of yes love but also changing communication needs and boundary settings.
Be sure also that you have all POA, etc documents in place and signed by your mother so that you can make decisions for her if as needed.
Speaking with an " elder law" attorney is usually advised so that you all can be aware of the rights, accountability, expectations and systems from that important perspective also.
Peace.
Mom has to have a life away from you as well.
Otherwise living together will be impossible. You're fortunate that you had a good relationship with her before and you got along. That helps.
You must learn to establish boundaries with her. When she brings up a topic that you know will result in upset, tell her that you refuse to discuss that topic and let that be the end of it.
If she gets persistent, walk away and ignore her.
This is how many of us have to handle our elderly loved ones who have grown to become needy, instigating, bullies.
Ignore her and do not engage in any conversations with her that lead to upset or fighting.
What a disparaging comment to make.
Elder family members brain chemistry changes . . . their cells die which changes their behavior... they become afraid... they react impulsively.
It is important to develop compassion.
One day you will be there, too.
Develop compassion and kindness.
You will feel much better and release your pent up anger.
May you gain the awareness to understand that compassion and boundaries are not exclusive. They are intrinsically inclusive.
Google / read Teepa Snow's website.
Learn how the brain changes and what happens.
Realize that the relationship you had is no longer there.
This realization hurts.
It is understandable you will feel frustrated which is really sadness and grief losing the mother you have known.
I would suggest that, along with developing compassion - and putting yourself in her shoes - easing your triggers, that you take breaks as you need to - even if a minute to an hour to a day to a few days.
You are needing to learn a new way of communication / interacting / interaction with your mom. Be sure to get the support you need during this transitioning time.
If you feel you need your own space, research ind living or assisted living housing for your mom.
Be nice to yourself. Pamper yourself. You are doing A LOT for your mom and it is equally important to take care of yourself at the same time.
Gena / Touch Matters
Perhaps you can help her get involved with people who can appreciate her and relate to her..................at the senior center.
The truth is, human beings need autonomy and thrive best when they have it. When they can make their own decisions and choices, select their own friends to hang out with, or what flavor ice cream to order from the menu today along with what outfit to wear down to dinner. When the environment is exactly the same day in and day out, everyone runs out of patience as boredom sets in and we dwell on what's wrong and annoying rather than anything else. If I had to face living with my mother for the 7 years she lived in Assisted Living and Memory Care, I have no doubt we'd have been thoroughly miserable together. How do you develop patience for someone who drives you crazy? Or compassion for someone who has no major issues to begin with? By telling yourself you'll "miss her when she's gone" or by playing the Guilt Card on yourself to toe the line?? 😑 Thats no way to live.
I vote for moving mom into her own AL apartment where she can have her own life and you can take yours back. Become an interesting visitor instead of a boring roommate and your relationship will likely change for the better.
“we children”. That’s it in a nutshell . They think we are still children and have to abide by their wishes. Some elderly parents expect us to assist them to live their lives on their terms , giving them a false sense of independence . Meanwhile , giving up our own autonomy , our friends, marriages , homes, possibly jobs and financial security.
I got fed up and ignored her requests and lived my way in my home. Mom decided she couldn’t live with me and my “ habits “ and she moved back to her home for a year before ending up in AL.
So part A is recognizing who you are. Living with someone is different from having lunch. It is difficult to live with roommates, with our families, and that is no matter age added in the equation or not. You are you. That's that.
You recognize this as a problem. That's part B in the solution. What you see as a problem for yourself you can, with determination, fix. Deep breath in and let it go.
You should also say to mom, some day, out of the blue "Woman, I hope you know I LOVE YOU. I may often have my mouth going before I realize it, and I recognize it's a fault. I hate that I do it and I am trying to fix it. But I just want you to know, whatever my failings, they aren't failings of love".
Your Mom will remember that. My own daughter has heart on the sleeve and mouth going most of the time. I have learned to love it about her, and those few times I DO get a tad hurt I just grin, hug her, and tell her "I love you; now try to be sweet" and we giggle together. We live states apart, but when I spend a month there are times our personalities grate on one another. I call that NORMAL. Just be sure she knows you love her, and learn to laugh about yourselves.