We have my long-widowed, 90 yrs Mother in Law on an extended holiday with us to give my husband's brother a break. I love her, and have always got on well with her, and although we live in different country have always had her for month long holidays and gone to stay with her every second month or so for a week at a time.
I am 66 and my husband is 67 and we also care full time for my 89 year old father who lives next door, since Mum went into a local nursing home. Dad is relatively still fit and active, but I do all the shopping with him and cook his meals, and he usually stays for the evening with us watching Netflix etc.
My MIL is now almost blind and wears 2 hearing aids. She is frail and can no longer read, sew, knit etc., or follow her favourite TV programmes.
We sit with her for every meal and tea breaks, and often sit watching TV during the day to keep her company. Every evening we all sit watching TV but she gets bored in between and constantly asks where me or my husband (or daughter who lives nearby) is. If we discuss the TV programme, she says she can't see or hear it, and looks fed up if chat about it.
She wants us to sit down all day chatting to her, and if we go to the bathroom or to ring someone, she comes looking for us if we are away longer than expected.. She comments if we look at our phones or if I go into the next room to my computer (I'm an author! Have taken a year out from writing as I have too many family commitments).
She is always disappointed if we are doing something else, or working in the garden etc. I have given her little safe jobs like washing cups etc., and wiping down worktops, brushing the floor, and simple ironing, but she often comes looking for us to check she is doing it right.
My husband takes her for a walk to the church every day. We also take her out shopping for groceries, but she finds walking around the shops makes her breathless, so sometimes she sits in the car.
We have friends visit or take her with us to their houses, but if we have a conversation she can't join in on due to her hearing or perhaps about colleagues at work, she makes it very obvious that she feels left out. She either sighs loudly or stares ahead, looking crestfallen. All our friends have noticed it. She also comments that our daughter doesn't come often enough or stay long enough, even though she is in full time work and has two little children. She also gets irritated if the focus is on the children, and she doesn't feel included. It's fine if they sit and talk to her.
If me or my husband are out or drop down to my daughter's at night, she will tell whoever is with her that she won't go to bed until she's said goodnight to us. She also wants us to go to bed the same time as her.
Background info: She lived on her own for the last 20 years with no company in the evenings, and was relatively happy with television and phone calls. Last Xmas she took ill, and moved in with my younger brother-in-law and his wife, but they are drained and now thinking she needs full time nursing care.
There are times she will say she is only in the way if I am doing emails etc., which makes me feel guilty.
She eats very little, and I try to think of things she likes plus buying her favourite cakes, sweets etc, but she either doesn't comment on things or gives a muted comment/thanks, which leaves you thinking you never get it right.
Her memory is also starting to go, but I don't think it's dementia causing this, as she has always liked people giving her their full attention, and resented me going out with friends for lunch etc.
Has anyone else experience of this with elderly relatives?
Any ideas that might help or activities that could occupy her?
Can she budget for an Assisted Living facility?
It's possible that she can only really follow the one on one conversations with her and she's missing a lot of the general chit chat, the double whammy of hearing and vision loss means she's missing the visual cues we all subconsciously use to help us hear better.
You are not obligated to be her constant entertainment. She probably has memory loss and this is why she can't be occupied by any one thing for very long, as well as her vision and hearing loss, which is working against any benefits of social interaction.
Does she have the option for adult day care? Or can a companion aid be hired for part or all of her days? You will find yourselves orbiting around her more and more since she will become less and less able to be occupied with any activity for long. I have a 99-yr old aunt with mod/adv dementia and we have her fold a large stack of kitchen towels. This keeps her busy for about 15 minutes or so, and due to her memory loss we give her this task more than once a day. It helps her to burn mental and physical energy so she sleeps very well at night without medication, as well as her afternoon nap. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your hearts as you work to provide care that works for everyone.
Local Senior Center that has activities that she can participate in.
If she can afford it a "Respite" stay in a nearby Assisted Living might be an option. Many times a facility will do a few weeks of respite with the hope that when the time comes you choose their facility. But a facility comunity will have more activities that she can get involved in.
the draw back to that is depending on hwere you are they may have quarantine protocol in place and she would have to be away from the active community for possibly as long as 2 weeks.
I don't do needy. This would drive me up a wall. At 90 there is some decline. I live with a hearing impaired man and they miss out on so much. My DH was sitting reading a book in the living room yesterday when my Gson walked in. He didn't even hear him. It makes their world so small when they can't hear well. It isolates them. Think about it, she is sitting there unable to even hear u moving around. My DH turns on the TV just for some noise. And then her eyesight is going.
I would first have a 2 way monitor put in the room where she is most of the time. You having the other one to carry from room to room. I would look into maybe TV ears where she can put up the volume on her headset but the TV can be left on a volume level comfortable for the rest of the family.
See if there is a Senior Center near you. This would be free. It would give her some socialization. Growing old is no fun.
There are lap knitting looms that are easy to use. You can make scarves and hats with it using bulky yarn she would see easier. Then she could donate the scarves and hats.
When we had my father and brother-in-law over for Thanksgiving they would keep each other occupied (ages 80 & 91) so we could work on dinner. Now that my father is gone I wonder how we will keep BIL occupied.
I found this useful-see if anything seems familiar:
http://www.dementiacarestrategies.com/12_pt_Understanding_the_Dementia_Experience.pdf
and these:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5QMeQpkPhA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIkTO4d8YyI
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=coiZbpyvTNg
NC has programs for training people who are vision impaired to adapt better to their surroundings. I suspect though she may not be very motivated to learn - a thought though.
Greaton777 has great ideas.
You sound like your hands are already very full caretaking. Care for yourself so you don’t burn out.
Meanwhile be truthful with your MIL, which is not as harsh as it sounds. She *doesn't* want to be in the way. She doesn't want to put anybody out. Take her word for it. If she rabbits on when you have something else to do, kiss her and ask her to tell you all about it later - then go right ahead and ignore her. If she seems uncomfortable in company it's a pity, but it's not a problem. You are correctly including her, anything else would be patronising at best, and it's for her to adapt herself if she wants to enjoy it.
In short, carry on as normal and be confident that you're doing the right thing - including MIL in real family life as it is lived. Be cheerful and affectionate to her, but don't tread on eggshells and don't worry overmuch about whether she's loving every minute.
A Nursing Home is the absolute pits, the last place to go when you have no other choices.
They are all understaffed and residents are over medicated.
Call fie a Family Talk with her and let her know the Ground Rules and nicely let her know that she is not the only person in the home and everyone have things they want to do and things they have to do.
That if she can'r come to an understanding that other arrangements would have to be made.
Then live your life and include her but include everyone which means sometimes that means her staying home by herself or with a friend or Sitter.
Also means just because she can't see or hear well and doesn't want to watch TV doesn't mean that ir'a going to stop you from doing it.
And that as grown Adults, you will go to bed or stay up all night if that's what you want to do.
Maybe you cab get some very large Puzzles for her to work on or Lg paint by #'s.
You may get new Audio Books for her to listen to.
Let her use Ear Phones to hear the TV better.
Get her a new pair of glasses and sir closer to the TV.
Sounds like your brother in law is right, and you're now getting a small taste of what he deals with full time all the time: Your mother in law needs Assisted Living. If not now, soon. As others have said, if you wait until she is full-on Alzheimers/Dementia, she won't know what's going on anyway, so she'll be unable to integrate or prosper in the new setting as well as she could if she makes the transition earlier, before she totally loses her mind.
Try getting her involved with a local senior center to spend an afternoon several days per week, where she can slowly come to appreciate the benefits of hanging out in such settings -- people her own age with whom she can socialize, make friends, and do activities they all mutually enjoy. This way, when it comes time to have the serious discussion with her about moving into Assisted Living full time, it won't seem so frightening for her.
Lot's of other great suggestions here too, so there's no need for me to repeat them. Good luck and Godspeed!
She will remember when her favorite program was a radio broadcast.
Get her a set of audio amplifiers and a tech device that she can use to listen to these and audio books.
One thing that I have learned personally and read here, personality traits get amplified with dementia. Needy, must be center of attention, always like this, now looses her social graces to hide her irritation that the babies get the attention. Sign of dementia.
Inability to know if what she is doing is correct, sign of dementia.
This is one of the saddest ways for a person to die, educating yourselves to understand what is happening will help you deal with the behaviors and help you plan a future course of care.
Teepa snow videos are great, there are also other great videos on the internet.
Because you and BIL live in different countries, knowing which one MIL has benefits in is vitally important, because care can be cost prohibitive if there are no social services available because of residency status and prior work/tax payment history.
Best of luck finding her the best care for her needs.
I am going to try AUDIO BOOKS again with her
Also - going to encourage her to try simple knitting with her, as she used to love it.
SOME MORE INFO TO EXPLAIN THE SITUATION FURTHER:
1. My dear MIL has never had an interest in radio or music, and I have tried Youtube videos of old singers she knew like Jim Reeves etc., but she gets bored after a few songs, and starts moving around and going to her bedroom for tissues or mints etc.
2. There are currently no daycare or respite services running due to Covid.
3. I do get her involved with small chores, but at certain times, she does not want to do them.
4. Her conversation is very limited, and due to family disputes back in UK, she is deliberately not talking about anything linked to families apart from the small group in Ireland.
5. Her and my father are completely different personalities. He is gregarious, but also happy in his own company. He reads constantly. and up on World Politics, and watches Netflix, Youtube channels, which my MIL finds boring. They spend every night in our house having dinner and then we watch Downton Abbey etc., but again, she makes it obvious she is bored by sighing, coughing or making repetitive movements.
6. She is only interested in talking about my young grandchildren, repeatedly wondering when they might call in, and asking when they go to school and creche etc. She prefers the younger one (3) who will sit beside her and watch TV, and refers to the older one (6) as a handful because he likes telling us things.
7. She is already on medication for anxiety.
8. My husband takes her for a short walk to our local church every day, and we also take her out in the car to shops although she finds the supermarkets overwhelming. Sometimes she comes into the shop and other times she sits in the car.
9. If I take my father to the Dr or shopping etc., she will say she thought we had got lost as we took so long.
10. One comment suggested reminding my MIL of her own earlier, busy life with children and working etc. She actually looked after her own elderly parents when she was an overnight Geriatric nurse, and was quite straightforward about her work and young children coming first (she was a single parent), and her parents were the main childminders. She kept her own social life separate from them, and had plenty of help from family who took her parents for weeks/months at a time. She obviously cannot relate to that now, and only sees her own situation. Currently, my husband and I are hoping for help to get an overnight away on our own, which we used to do regularly.