Mom continues to insist on going home, how do I respond?

I’m sorry that you have a difficult mom.

You say that you don’t have a problem taking her out places. It seems like it is causing anxiety for you to take her on outing. You are anticipating that she will ask to go see her home.

What about visiting her in her assisted living only? Unless you can take her out to a nearby restaurant for a quick bite, it might be better to visit her at her place.

With her dementia, I wouldn't take her anywhere. She could forget where she's living now, and refuse to go back in.

I'd visit her there.

Every time that she gets into a loop asking and asking to take her out, you can just tell her that you will be back when she stops asking.

Just like a toddler, just because they want something, doesn't mean that it is safe to let them do it.

Unfortunately, because of our LO's dementia, we are forced to play the part of The Toddler's Parent.

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

And to me.

And to so many of us, here.

Your mother now has dementia.
You cannot possibly cater to the needs, wants and whims of someone with dementia; no one has that kind of inexhaustible strength.

I would remove the home from being a "reality" that exists, into the realm of a memory of the time that was by bring with you when you visit a beautiful scrapbook, pictures and a pot of paste. Perhaps even some pictures to cut out and use for collage if that isn't too difficult. Talk about the wonderful memories.

As to leaving, I wouldn't leave her center a whole lot. She is seeing you as her rescuer, the one she can convince to do this or that. Now to go see the home, then to GO home. So I would say no to outside touring. Spend your time with her in her new home. Perhaps later consider lunch out. But no touring. You can make up any excuse you like or simply say "No". You can say it makes you a bit sad and teary to see the old home so you aren't going to be driving by it. You can say anything you want.

The real point her for you to grasp is that this is one of the most common things that any elder in care says to their loved ones. And it needs to be finally understood that this simply isn't going to happen.

You mother has lived a long life. And that life is now drawing to a close. There are many losses involved and all are hard. I can attest to that at 81. She has in her lifetime many times been unhappy, missed a happier time or memory, lost something or someONE, and had to adjust. Don't feel responsible for her happiness. This is not a happy time. That isn't your fault. And there's nothing you can do about that. If you remain confused and worried about all this she WILL pick up on it much as a child or a pet does; it WILL cause more disturbance.

So first get this all set in YOUR mind. And then stick to it. This is something to grieve. It is WORTH grieving, as are all the losses of aging.

I wouldn't take her out anywhere, period.

Get a mini cake, pie, special dessert or similar treat and bring it with you when you visit. When she starts the want to go over routine ("to get some things"), tell her you will bring them next visit and promptly leave.

Is mother medicated for anxiety and depression? If not, now is the time to speak to her doctor about it. My mother was on max dose of Wellbutrin as her dementia advanced, and ,50 mgs Ativan as needed. And she still acted miserable with me the vast majority of the time.

When she started carrying on, I'd tell my mother I was leaving because there was nothing I could do for her and it wasn't my fault she was in the condition she was in. I suggest you do the same. And stop catering to her every whim, too. Stop with the drives and this and that. Bring her an ice cream and leave it at that. Do NOT take her home, period.

When the DOCTOR says you can go home, then we'll talk about it mom. Until then, there's nothing I can do for you,

Some people w/o experience in these situations will come along and try to guilt you into taking her home. Don't do it. Get her appropriately medicated and calmed down, and then plan your visits for right before a mealtime....so you can get her settled in and then amscray.

My mother saved all her angst for me. When I wasn't around, she was doing fine, participating in activities and schmoozing it up with the others. As soon as she saw me, her face drooped and the complaining began. To hear her tell it, she was being starved and ignored.....at 190 lbs and looking clean and fresh. It's an act and the goal is to make you feel terrible, make no mistake. Call the staff to see how she's REALLY doing.

Take care of YOURSELF too. Mom is safe and properly cared for now. Dementia is a no win situation for all concerned, in reality. Don't beat yourself up for something you have no control over.

I feel your pain, I went thru it for almost 3 yrs with my mother until God mercifully took her at 95. That's when I finally felt relieved, tbh.

You need to change the subject. Example: So mom how was your ice cream good huh? Made me feel better, I loved my ice cream, oh you know the best ice cream shop I have ever been too is... do you remember when I was a kid and we went for ice cream and ABC and then we did XYZ. XYZ was my favorite place I played this game and then I lost but then I won this...
My favorite game is ...
And just continue to change the subject.
Never, never, never take her to the house she will cry, throw a fit whatever and then you will feel bad.
When you visit her take a photo album of her relatives, reminisce about the good ol' days. Let her tell you stories of those days. Eventually you will not be able to take her for a ride or ice cream however enjoy while you can and let me repeat DO NOT TAKE HER CLOSE TO THE OLD HOUSE.
Prayers for you and yours!

Before my mom was in a Memory Care Community, she lived in the same home for 52 years. The last year she became anxious and nervous and when she had visitors (whether me or my son and his family or church friends) she would always say, "you need to take me home". At first, we tried "convincing" her this was her home, showed her photos, the old piano, her room, her stuff. She was still convinced it was someone else's home. She has been in memory care (where she is safe 24/7 and I have reclaimed my sanity and life) for about six months, and when I go see her, usually the first thing she says is, "are you here to take me home?" I truly believe "home" is not a physical place, they way we think of "going home", but more a place of nostalgia, safety and long ago memories of the past with "momma and daddy".
I have limited my visits with her because when it is time for me to go, she gets upset, so I've had to be quite creative (I have to get back to work, I have an appointment to get to, etc.) and I have relied extensively on "therapeutic fibs". At first, I felt horrible not being truthful, but truth is relative. The real truth versus her imagined truth. So we do and say whatever we need to make her feel comfortable and less anxious. I do take her to the dentist and certain doctor appointments that cannot be addressed in the community (they don't like the word 'facility') and upon returning, she wants to know where we are, what is this place, etc. I tell her she is having dinner with her friend Sandy (another resident who is not as progressed in her memory issues as mom). When she asks if I'm staying for dinner, I say, "no" BUT... I'll be back later to pick you up and take you home. Five minutes (or less) after I leave, she has forgotten that I was even there.
I beat myself up for awhile before making the decision for memory care, but I had to put her safety and security ahead of my emotional turmoil. Now that she is there, I am feeling myself again, my husband and I can do things together without having to worry about falls, wandering, telephone calls every five minutes, and so on.
I now ask myself, "Why didn't we do this sooner?" The signs were there, but I felt I was not doing my "job" as her daughter if I wasn't able to keep her home and allow her to "age in home"... but it became more of a risk for her and a mental and emotional nightmare for me. She did live on her own, but I had companions come during the day and a couple of evenings a week (on the nights we didn't go over to have dinner with her and visit). I had handrails installed in the hallways, cameras throughout the home and outside, the bathroom remodeled with safety grab bars and the tub converted to a low curb, step in shower. But in the end, it all boiled down to her safety. When it was obvious that all that had been done to make her home safe, but it still wasn't enough, we had to make that difficult decision. So my takeaway is this... You HAVE to consider your life as well, You have to put safety over emotional martyrdom, It's ok to tell them what they "need" to hear to remain calm and happy (or at least not anxious). Just hold her hand even for a brief moment, don't forget to say, "I love you, mom (or dad)". Dementia has taken the person you once knew as a vibrant, intelligent, thriving person away. They can't help it. They hallucinate, hear things, believe things and mash together things from the past and things that may have happened recently. It is the progression of the disease. Sorry for the long post, but it has also been therapeutic for me and I hope that some of my insights may help someone.

My dad would ask me that every day around the same time over and over after he came to live with me. I’d have to go through the whole story about how he fell down his stairs and laid there for 3 days and almost died. Then he’d insist he could go up and down stairs fine, so I’d have him go over to my staircase with his walker and he’d stand there and of course couldn’t even figure out how to. So the final answer to that question became “it’s not safe for you there anymore.” I just had to repeat it over and over. It’s was hard and painful but there is no other way.

what if you told her you’re not going to visit her anymore if she keeps being nasty to you? And then do it. Stay away a little longer each time.

I’m going to preface this with saying that she sounds like a very difficult woman. However, I can’t imagine living in a place and never getting out. It would be so depressing. I notice a big improvement in my mom when we go out for the day, sometimes a drive or a meal, sometimes ice cream or a garden shop.

Been there with my mom. You have to stop spoiling and giving into her requests. Please don't stop visiting her. It will be detrimental to her. Dementia brings out the worst in everyone. Try to encourage the facility to keep your mom busy by putting her in differrent activities. She needs to adapt to her environment. It takes time. Your mom was independent and now feels she has no control.

My mother is in assisted-living right now. I did try to bring her to my home several times to take care of her myself and it was beyond impossible. No one can be awake 24 hours a day seven days a week. I about lost my mind. She is also very delusional and would hide things constantly. Also would deny any of it and would accuse every man that seen of raping her. I do not know how many times I had to deal with the police because of her accusations. I could go on and on about her crazy psychotic delusions. Even though she is now in assisted-living, I still have the guilt and worry. I know that I should not feel that way, but I do. I wish I could stop the constant worrying. I think it’s from years of programming that I was born to be her caretaker.

I and all of us dealing with this horrible disease can relate to all you say. Reading these responses has also helped me realize that we are all in this horrible sinking ship together. Please don’t let that ship sink you as it’s done me for the last 10 years. I have aged tremendously this past 10 years, trying to take care of her and others in the past. My daughter was murdered. My brother was killed by a train, and my father was also killed by his younger than me wife. All of the stress, my own physical problems, surgeries that have permanently damaged me, and now dealing with her is going to be the end of me. I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it this far. I have no one to help me at all. All of my close family has been killed.

Even though I already know all of these things about this awful disease, reading others replies still helps.

I also need to post it on my refrigerator, my bathroom mirror, and even my bedroom wall to remind me to stop feeling so guilty and stop worrying. There is nothing that we can do to make them happy.

My mother has always been a narcissist and nothing you could ever do even before she had dementia would make her happy. She was never satisfied. I have spent my entire life, taking care of my mother in so many ways. I am not exaggerating either. I feel like I was born to be her slave. She is the most difficult and most complaining person I have ever known in my entire life. She is 83 years old and I am 65. I have terrible health issues myself. My mother has destroyed my mental health. I actually considered “ending it” myself just to get away from her. I am not kidding about that either. My fear is that I’m going to end up like her and that terrifies me because I have all of her health issues on top of my own. It’s like I have inherited all of her problems. As far as physical and mental.

Thankfully, I feel I have more common sense and compassion than that woman has ever had in her life. Just as others have said she is fine until she sees me. As soon as she sees me the complaining starts and she says she wants to die and this is not worth living. Of course I do agree with her on that. Then she says I need to stay with her all day every day. Obviously I cannot do that. No matter what you do for her it’s not enough. She goes to the bathroom every five minutes. I am not kidding. She refuses to let anyone give her a bath, so I do it as often as I can. She gets frequent UTIs.

I actually had moved 1000 miles away to get away from her trying to have some time to grieve for my daughter, She would call constantly and tell me I needed to come back, then two years later she got dementia so I was forced to be drawled back into her net. I am angry, resentful, and feel guilty for feeling this way I am all she has. There is no other person to help her. It’s hard to even go see her. I do feel terrible for her, but there is nothing that anyone can do for these people who have dementia. I seriously think that I am losing my own mind.

So please like everyone has said you need to take care of yourself there is nothing you can do for your mother. I am hoping that somehow I can get out of this drowning mess that I’m in before I die. Her grandmother lived to be 99. 🤯

Mary1159….I am so sorry that my previous comment was so long. I can relate to how you feel. My mother also criticized me constantly. I think I need counseling, too, I do not know how old you are, but I am 65 and feel like I am 100. It’s easy to say don’t feel guilty, but those feelings just rush into your head. I think we want to do the right thing so bad and we don’t know how, so we feel so helpless. It is very easy and understandable to be resentful of someone who’s made you feel like crap all your life and you’re trying desperately to make them happy and to do the right thing. We need to wave the white flag and take care of ourselves. I truly wish you some peace and happiness for the rest of your days. I’m still trying so hard. God bless you.

This seems very normal to me with the disease progression. My dad had to go into a rest home a little over two years ago because he has ALZ along with NPH (normal pressure hydrocephalus). He would scream he wants to go home, and mom and I felt awful leaving. It was and still is very hard for me. I feel guilty I can't do more (I live 1,000 miles away).

Unfortunately, it was advised to not take him out to go somewhere because getting him back would be near impossible. I wanted badly to bring him to a family's house when he was more mobile for holidays or for a drive but because he was so out of his mind, I was fearful I wouldn't get him back in the car or worse, I was worried he would try to jump out of the moving car.

This disease is AWFUL. It's the worst thing to have to see your loved one decline month after month, year after year. If you think your mom can handle going out, by all means, take her out for a fun afternoon and reminisce. That is really good for the soul and helps you to keep creating new memories. I would, however, advise you to not bring her to her old home. You may not get her out and it would be more traumatic on the both of you to have to go through that. Best wishes to you and your mom on her journey.

Mary I feel your pain. Same thing is happening with me and my mom. I am exhausted when I leave the facility. She gets mad easily at me and I am afraid to even take her out of facility at this point. All of this is so incredibly overwhelming. If you ever want to just chat PM me on Facebook BethAnn sheen

My wife is 75 and wants to go home almost every day. It is not a physical building, it is a place in her mind where she had family and friends and felt safe. With this horrible disease and Covid, she has become isolated from friends and much of her family are deceased. We have tried diversions like hobbies or games, as distractions and currently are telling her that home is being remodeled, so her father has asked her to stay with me here (our home of 30 years). Lately, I've added that the electricity is off, so there are no lights or AC. Since her memory is damaged, I usually can say this every day but ocassional embellishments seem to help (dusty, dirty, paint smell, all clothes, toothbrush, and meds have been moved here, etc.). Our children also reinforce this. Did you ever ask what she wants from the house? You can say that it's boxed up but you will try to get it for her. She may or may not remember that you are willing to help, but it will give her comfort. If you still have what she wants, fantastic. Win, win.

You need to learn to set boundaries.
As you know legally how to proceed - and good that you went to her attorney - then you do what you need to do.

She may or may not cognitively understand "we need to rent out your apartment to pay your bills." I would tell her this once - perhaps twice and then stop. Period. Do not argue or explain.

And, when she wants a 'side trip' when you take her out, say "No, I need to get home ... I have an appt." Do not argue.

You are in charge.
You are doing this for her.
She won't understand and she WILL react as she does. When she starts in, leave. Tell her you have to go now. Do not keep this 'conversation' or listening to her going. Say "I understand how you feel." Acknowledge her words and then change the subject. Or leave.

The key is ... you have to keep yourself emotionally and psychologically together. Do not allow her to exhaust you (any more than you may get / be... it is hard) Put yourself first... learn how to renew yourself (meditate, gardening, lunch w friends, listen to music ... whatever you need to do to renew yourself is essential). Glad you cut down on visiting.

Perhaps try to find volunteers to visit her. Sometimes you can find through college depts (social work, geriatrics, counseling) or volunteer organizations.
- Mom may benefit from others - being alone or feeling alone / lonely. It is worth a try.
- Get her out and among other residents. She may HATE this... do it anyway. Stay with her the first few times... a volunteer could encourage socializing, too.

Discuss medication if you feel it might help. The facility nurse / administrator / dept manager could help you decide how to proceed.

Gena / Touch Matters

My 95 y.o. mother has been in Assisted living for 2 months now. She hates everything about it, even though we put her in the best, most beautiful place! No matter where she has stayed, she complains about every meal. Even when she was still home, and we were bringing her meals to her, she had nothing good to say about it. Now, as soon as I walk in, it's never Oh, HI, how are you? It's Look at this sh*t they expect me to eat! I spend about 3 hours with her over the week, and its exhausting. I had to disconnect after this last weekend. I decided that next time I go, if all she does is greet me with a complaint, I am turning back around and walking out.

For starters, you have to get your mind around the fact that your mother does not have a 'home' (as in her own house anymore). Her home is the AL facility she lives in now. A lot of times it's hard for adult kids or spouses to deal with the fact that their childhood homes or the homes they shared with their spouse no longer exists.

You say that after 8 months she's still not adjusting to AL. How do you know this? Have you talked to the staff? Or sent someone she doesn't know in to observe her?

I was a supervisor in a high-end AL facility. I saw with my own eyes residents who did very well and actually enjoyed life in the AL. There was always some activity or another going on.

The second one of their family members called or showed up, the change in them was like flipping a switch. They'd go from being content and having a good day right to the demanding and begging to go home. Then the crying, the misery, the negativity, and the orneriness would follow. The minute their family member was out the door or the phone was hung up, they went right back to their content, good day.

You maybe should give yourself a few weeks off from visiting. Call once or twice a week instead.

Would it be possible to hire a companion for your mother a few hours a week? Someone who can take her out and spend some time with her? She might like it.

Whenever she brings up the going home, ignore it. Refuse to engage in any conversation about taking her back home. She is home. The AL is her home.

Time to bring out the therapeutic fibs. When your Mom asks to go home, just make up an excuse "the city is repaving the street" or whatever you think your Mom would believe. As for going out, tell her "the car is acting up".


I used such fibs with my Mom (97 yrs old) when she was in a nursing home. She wanted to visit her parents, so I told her "they are visiting the old country" to which she smiles and said that is nice.

As others have said, stop taking your mother out. It isn't making her happy, while it's definitely making you miserable and stressed. It isn't doing anyone any good.

You said that your mother can be horrible to you, and that she has frequently put you down, long before her dementia took over. Stop being your mum's (emotional and mental) punching bag!

I love my mum and, unlike many of the accounts I read here, cognitive decline has (for the most part)turned my mum into a sweet old lady.
Yet I have always loved her, even when she was a bit of a cow; I actually like that she had a hardness to her. But, I was truly hurt at the times she was thoughtless and unfeeling towards me. I protect and care for her, when she hadn't always done the same for me.
Now, I have stored up those memories and use them to help harden me, so that I don't feel as guilty as I used to, when I can't do everything for my mum and I can't make her life any better.

I suggest that you do the same.
We're not miracle workers - there should be no guilt and no dreading unreasonable demands.
You deserve to live your own life in peace.

I’m not sure about the others but I tell my LO the truth and remind her how it went down. I know it’s rehashing all the facts but she forgot. Nothing else to do but explain how it went down. She seems receptive and then I give her the meds to help with the memory and all that.

My situation is in at least some ways similar to what you are describing.

Well, I made the mistake and fell for it and did take him back to his house. We still have his house, with things in it, have not got around to start to clear things out.

FOr those following my posts, they already know that my dad had been incessantly bugging me about moving back home. However finally in the past 2 months or so, he is realizing /getting resigned to the fact that he will be living in a facility from now on. HOwever, he was bugging me to "take him back one time to get some clothes and things he wants to bring to the AL". The aunts and uncles were then calling me and saying "just take him one time", since he was bugging them and telling them I wont take him. It seemed that getting clothes, a few things and photos seemed reasonable. My dad said it would "just take an hour". Well, we were there for 4 hours and it was hard to get him back out! He went through clothes, shelves, old things, started to go through old photo albums (I said, "why not bring some back with you and go through them at your leisure?" He replied " no they belong here and I want to come here once in a while to look at them"). Then he asked " Do you ever think I'll be able to move back here?"> I answered "no". Then later he said "I will one day figure out a way to move back here".

In hindsight it was a mistake and it set him back for a couple of weeks from the progress. He wanted to go again and look through more stuff within "1-2 weeks" but I have not done that and he has dropped it for now. I wont take him back any time soon. So that's the cautionary tale.

So, as others have advised, you can take her out for lunch etc if you want, but don't go anywhere near the house, or she will recognize that you are close and want to go. Perhaps just go places in the opposite direction!

My mom always asked to go home every time I saw her.It would break my heart.Her house was in foreclosure and her husband had died. As her disease progressed she called me by her sisters name and wanted me to walk her home from school. I can only tell you to stop trying so hard and please do not feel guilty.You cannot know what your mom is thinking and it may be way off from what you are thinking.I am sorry this is hard😒

One suggestion from my dementia caregivers support group: Don't carry a purse, just your keys and wallet in pockets. When she starts up, say nothing except: "I'm going to the bathroom." Walk out and don't go back until your next visit. It worked for several of us.

Mary1159: An individual with dementia will state that they want to go home, but they are not referring to a brick and mortar structure at all due to the disease. Come up with any fibs.

It's almost like you wrote my identical story and scenario! I can only provide sympathy, since I'm newly into having put my narcissist mom in memory care. But already, with the helpful advice of many in this forum, I've decided that it's ok to stay away more (for our mental health) and not even go see Mom. The trained staff at the facility will take good care of her needs. They weren't emotionally abused by her and are impervious to her attempts to manipulate. Your actual loyalty is to your hubby and marriage. Not to Mom. And yes, I'd highly recommend getting the advice of a good counselor, to help dispel any guilt on your part. Sympathy and good luck.

Thank you so much for posting this, Mary1159! This is my first time on the site and I'm so glad I found it!

I am experiencing the same as you and others, with my 95yo mom. She's been living alone since her husband passed in 2016, in a much too large house and few friends, no relatives to help her. I live out of state and desperately tried to get her to move closer to me or at least into a smaller facility/preferably a type of assisted living facility, but she dug her heels in and wouldn't budge.

Fast forward to last November when she fell in her home (found out this was the 4th or 5th fall of the year) and she ended up in the hospital with 8 broken ribs and a punctured lung. Fortunately, I was visiting and called 911. She fell in her bedroom after losing her balance and I woke up to her screaming. In the hospital she was delirious from the pain/pain meds and experienced horrible hospital delirium. Said horrible things to me (only child), wild stories, etc. Her doctor referred her to a rehab center a month later. She was in rehab until March this year, didn't get a lot accomplished. Hasn't walked on her own since she fell. She's now in the Long-Term section of the facility and has turned into a real bear.

Dementia has set in hard, most likely due to the fall. She also hit her head. She is telling tall tales and insisting I take her home or she will "disown me, make me regret it, you'll be sorry, as soon as I have pen to paper, you're out of the will, I'm revoking the POA", etc. She has no other family to help her. Her half-sister won't come visit or help in any way. I've asked. She lives out of state, as well.

I've been out to visit a lot since her fall. I missed all the holidays, husband's birthday, staying out here with her 4 of last 6 months. I've finally decided I too, need to stop feeling guilty and start taking better care of myself and MY life. My mother harasses me about her going home every visit. She's verbally abusive. We've butted heads a lot. Two strong personalities. She never forgave me for moving away, although I left home at 18 and never lived in the same place as her again. She worked and moved around but felt I always should've lived closer to her. Yet, she wouldn't sell this house and move closer to me. Refused every suggestion I gave her. Meals on Wheels, Life Alert, Assisted Living, etc.

Anyway, apologies for the long post. I guess writing all of this down is cathartic. I hope you and everyone else here with this problem have more better days than not, with your loved ones. I sincerely empathize with you all. This is a horrible disease and so difficult to watch a once vibrant, intelligent person turn into someone you don't recognize. As much as my mom and I butted heads over the years, I sure do miss her. Best of luck to us all!

Nope, can go there Mom. Sorry.

You just told my story! Brother included! I totally understand what you’re dealing with. I am very sorry and know how consuming this is. I find it so helpful to read these questions and I love the responses good or bad. Often, I don’t feel so alone anymore. I am my mom and step dad‘s POA and they believe that my brother and I kidnapped them and brought them to their new assisted-living home eight months ago.
They actually chose their unit after looking at several other assisted-living situations. I am currently dealing with taking care of all of the things they let go over there he years. It’s a great big mess.
I have been advised by an adult protective service investigator who had met with my mom after an alleged allegation of abuse by my stepdad, that I should become the guardian. She let me know that anytime, if the right person came along, they could advise her to take me off as POA, and go back home. I am in the state of Washington. If I were the guardian, I would have more power. However, this is the last thing I would ever want to do as it is very costly and time-consuming, and from what I’ve heard, involves going to court along with your parent.
she also advised me to get an advocate who could help by taking my parents to their medical appointments, shopping, checking up on them, etc. I am pondering this idea.
All I can do each day is hope and pray that things go the way they should as I know they are where they need to be to stay safe.
Like you, My mom is also very angry at me because she wants to go home. She does tell me this now every time I see her and she does it in a very hateful way. Yesterday when I told her I would talk to her tomorrow, she told me “don’t bother”. Well today, I didn’t bother. And what a weight it was off my shoulders it was!
I hate to say it, but I am ready for this to be over. What ever that might mean.😪 😭