My MIL lives in a remote area in Northern Lower Michigan. She widowed about 10 years ago and since has a reclusive lonesome lifestyle, but says she loves it and is unwilling to admit that her health and age make her home and location too much to handle. We live about 4 hours south of her, so occasional trips to visit are possible, but frequent trips are not. There is no other family closer.
Recently she got lost driving to the store after dark. The Neighbor had to come rescue her after she stopped at a random house and asked for help. I have no idea why she left to drive after dark - which she normally never does. She is elusive on the details, and we believe drinking may be the issue.
We have contacted her doctor to inform her of the concerns, and are trying to ask a neighbor about getting more details, but due to the politics of the family/area we cant reliably ask the neighbor to help. Honestly I have no idea how to best proceed. Any thought's or suggestions would help.
I went there to find out what was really going on.
he was not going to quit driving, and I understood the problem since there was NO bus service and taxis didn’t like coming all the way out to their area.. (pre Uber).
I found an friend of a family friend who would drive. I set up a schedule for routine pickup and drop off at set days and times...so Grocery shopping, doctor appointments, library and mall visits could be covered. I arranged the bill payment to be via $200 per month deposited to her account, and then she would send me detail billing and I would cover whatever else needed to be taken care of. (Just easier for them to have a fixed cost.)
Dad would not stop driving. At least Mom was not in the car. But, then one day...I just scrambled the distributor cables. Car would not start. Talked this over with a family friend...made a plan to call the friend pretending it was a tow company. Told my dad the tow company would be out to take it to garage. I made up excuses why it was taking so long...meanwhile, Dad was using the ride service I had set up.
Well, when the insurance bill arrived.... he refused to pay and and just sold the car. He found out how convenient the ride service was, so he gave up driving.
I hope with the cold winter and given she is in a remote area this has been resolved.
I always hate to hear on the news about someone with dementia that gets "lost" and is not found until it is to late.
I would love to find out if there has been a resolution to this situation
Do you chat on the phone well? Could you have a *are you ok?* chat about her life, how things are, get a feel for if there is a drinking problem. "You know Mom, I got a scare that time got lost. Were you ok? Is there anything worrying you? You know I'm here". Pave the way for her to ask for help. You know her personality - if that approach would work?
On a different tack: I got lost driving my old car to my mechanic years ago. 20 min drive but 50 mins & still circling around side roads. Stopped to get street directory out of boot (olden days, pre gps) & wow! Car was full of fumes! Got to mechanic with all 4 windows down. Mechanic said exhust was going straight into car - causing confusion.
Just a thought - how old is her car? Has it had a service lately?
Then contact the doctor to give them your address for correspondence. Change her banking address to your home... Are you or spouse on the account? If not, put it on while she has some wit about it.
And remember: This is very important: Everyone wants to "Go home". My elders said it, and I saw it on a PBS show just the other day... Go Home, is a normal ritual saying among the elderly, especially with dementia and ALZ... It is okay. Make sure they have music, and happiness around them from time to time. Do take them home with you to spend the afternoon... Do take them out for a picnic if the weather is cooperating... Nice Park, picnic bench, and a basket of munchies or sandwiches,.... Make your meetings happy...
How lonely is that? Get her into a place with some activity, near you. Lose the car..
Don't contact the doctor, just move her. It doesn't mean you cannot take her to your home for family visits...Its almost the holidays, what was her favorite Thanksgiving plate or desert that she made? Get family involved, and enjoy this time with her, safe, near you, where she doesn't need to feel she has to drive...
Just move her? Ha. How exactly?
This is the first time you know she has been driving in the dark, because she got lost.
My mom lived in a rural area where she had to drive to get anywhere, we had to move her when she had too many accidents. I lived 8 hours north of her and my brother lived several states away. We went to her house and told her she had to choose who she wanted to live near, but she couldn't stay where she was, it was not safe. Was she upset? Oh yes very much so!!!
We had a situation here, where an elderly lady was having memory issues, but her sons felt she was safe to drive as she only drove locally. One day she set out for the store and didn't return home, a massive search was then put on to locate her. Somehow she have driven over 20 miles from her home and got stuck in blackberry bushes in a very rural area. It was days before they discovered her car and her body was inside. I had thought often, when I hear stories like yours, how scared she must have been, no food or water and how long did it take for her to die. Her sons thought she was safe, even with memory issues, because SHE ONLY DROVE LOCALLY TO THE STORE.
Family members don't want to take some ones license away, how will they get groceries or to appointments, of course the family member is way too busy to take them.
Think about your situation, should the person be driving????
- although she lives in a very rural area, she is still a danger to OTHERS as a compromised driver. You can probably email the MI DMV anonymously to request she be called in for a driving test. I've done this for 4 seniors in my family in MN and FL.
- putting tracker on her car seems like a good idea? But may be too much work from so far away and you already know she gets lost and is driving at night, so...maybe time to do something that keeps everyone safe.
- be prepared for the recalcitrant attitude. If no one has PoA for her make an attempt to assign someone (so go with blank paperwork in hand). If she refuses to grant it to anyone trustworthy, you can try to explain what will happen if she doesn't have these legal protections in place. You made need to decide about pursuing guardianship over her. This is another whole discussion unto itself. You can call social services and report her as a vulnerable adult and they can pursue guardianship, which means your family will have no say or control over what facility she is placed in.
Good luck, wishing you success in getting the best for your MIL going forward.
Others have given many good suggestions - such as making a more extended visit to her house. Take a good survey of what is going on. See if she might have many unpaid bills lying around, still in their envelopes, for example and unopened mail or unread newspapers. (That was the first clue that something was VERY wrong with my father - because the man had been meticulous about finances previously.) Is there a lot of outdated or spoiled food in her refrigerator? Is she taking care of her pets? Inability to do those things can be a sign of inability to live alone.
What could be done in the meantime is to hire a home aide a couple of hours daily under the guise of "assisting her with household tasks" - and have that person provide you with reports of your mother's behavior, cognitive status, ability to manage things, etc.
I also agree with the suggestions of putting a GPS tracking device on her vehicle and also on her cell phone (if she has one).
Lots of good advice given here about your situation. This will take some boots on the ground. You need to see what is going on, is it dementia or alcohol or both? Do you need to move mom near you?
I lived 12 hours away from my folks when dad started developing dementia. I put a GPS device on his car and watched his every move for 2 years. When he started wandering and getting lost I stepped in and ended the driving. Mom was already in assited living at this point and dad joined her a few days later. It was a kicking screaming mess but it’s what I had to do to keep them safe.
My situation was pleasantly unique because my mom wanted to move into a senior living place. She was extremely lonely living by herself, had some clarity that she was mentally failing and wanted to be some place safe. I placed her in independent living because she demanded I give her a chance to live an unstigmatized lifestyle. She lived that way until she couldn’t. The senior place was well aware of my mom’s decline so it wasn’t a secret.
If your MIL can use a cell phone, god bless her. She probably isn’t in dire need of extreme action yet. Cell phones are still rather recent additions in this world so people with dementia usually forget how to use them early in their decline.
I really hope your MIL just has cataracts. My very best to you and your family.
1) A visit, to do a first-hand assessment, needs to happen. concurrent with that visit, I would schedule an appt with her doc near the end of the visit. The docs assessment may very well require a referral for further assessment from a specialist...or at least that was our experience with our mom.
2) Start doing some research on devices to assist your MIL...a smart phone would likely have gotten her home, a smart watch can detect a fall, etc.
3) If not already in place, contact an attorney and get all the legal documents in place for you/your wife to be able to help your MIL when it becomes necessary.
Elderly care is now a big business. There are so many opportunities, but there are also a ton of obstacles. I am 3.5-4 hours away from my mom. My sisters provide primary care and I go down once a month for a week or so to give them a break. It is not easy when they are not close by.
Prayers and peace to you and yours that you'll find workable solutions for your MIL.
Good suggestions here.
I agree that if at all possible someone needs to go and spend some time there with her on a “visit”. Assess the situation properly. Of course there is the possibility that she may do much better with someone in the house keeping her company. But it might make her realise her vulnerability and be more willing to move somewhere less remote like a retirement village or AL.
after dark and see how She manages. If however You discover Your Mom is
drinking and driving then take the keys of the motor car away with You and
decide then on relocating Mom.
Unfortunately many moves happen when a catastrophic event happens.
She falls, and 2 things possible she can call 911 or you or she remains on the floor and when she is found it is to late to help.
She gets lost, 2 things possible a neighbor helps or she freezes in a field.
Is it possible to install cameras in the house so you can monitor her? A GPS tracking on her phone and car so you can locate her if necessary? The best option would be to remove the car. She should not be driving if Alcohol is involved and or some form of dementia.
If she will not move you have 3 options.
1.) Leave things the way they are and hope for the best
2.) Get a Caregiver that will come in. How long would depend on what she needs. Could be a few hours now but know it will become a 24/7/365 job at some point.
3.) Begin Guardianship procedures so that you can force the move
I warned the daughter not to leave her alone..she did..because she says her mom refused to move from her home. Well--now she's dead.
One day she will fall, maybe even break a hip or something and she will have no means of help, and just lay there and suffer. It happens all the time.
It's probably better if you get her and have her live with you until you can organize nursing home placement..or decide to keep her.
If she refuses, you better call 911 and have her Baker Acted. She is NOT SAFE by herself. Do NOT let her be by herself.
You better act fast. Her life depends on it. Falls happen REALLY fast.
Memory Care or at the least Assisted Living